Are we ok?

[janey62]

I've been struggling... . last night and this morning have been hard.  I had contact with him yesterday and it was unpleasant and upsetting... .

I've been trying very hard this morning to get myself back on an even keel and thinking a lot.

I read something someone on here said in another thread about 'sex was good' and last night I was browsing a free online dating site  , as a way to try to feel better, you know, looking and seeing who was out there.  It got me thinking, are we quick fix junkies?

Come with me now into some gross generalisations and indulge me please  (speaking for myself of course)

In the world of 'healthy' people, they meet, date, get to know each other gradually, maybe sleep together when they feel ready, think about their future, maybe after a year or two they move in.  They maintain outside friendships and separate interests as well as sharing some. They take the necessary time to assess their mutual suitability and don't rush things.  There is a honeymoon period, they have strong feelings for each other and may idealise each other a bit, but on the whole they remain separate and don't get enmeshed.  They certainly don't get married after two weeks!  Partly because they know that would be too soon and also because they know their respective friends and family would frown upon such rash behaviour... . with good reason!

Unlike us... .

We meet (our BPD people), often sleep together straight away, often stay together from the first day/moment  of meeting and are inseparable.  We eat, sleep and dream each other, obsess, idealise, build huge unrealistic fantasies, don't actually take a minute to think about whether this is just attraction without any suitability whatsoever, become blinded to the ragingly obvious red flags and gush endlessly about how perfect our new love is!  We don't want to be cautious or put in the work or indeed actually get to know who this person is! 

Why?  Because maybe we're quick fix junkies who crave excitement (for whatever reason), we want it now, we are satisfied with the surface appearance and don't want to take the time to investigate what's underneath... .   We're idealisers too; we see someone who is interested in us and we ignore the blindingly obvious, that no-one can feel that strongly about someone they've just met unless they're not looking very closely.  On my first date with exuBPDbf we walked and talked then stopped at a pub for lunch.  I ate a bagette and chips and had a soft drink, he ate nothing and drank 3 pints of bitter!  I am an addictions counsellor!     s were flying but I ignored them.  I actually thought he was too good for me and that I would be very lucky to have him.  I found his uber interest in me flattering and exciting.  He told me about his ex, what a b**ch she was and how she wouldn't let him see his son, how she broke his nose with a frying pan, how she fleeced him financially and moved to another country.  How he had a breakdown and was off sick from work still a year later because of it.  I felt indignant for him and immediately disliked her (I now know what she suffered); he forgot to mention the restraining order she had to take out on him for harassment (abusive phone calls, stalking and threatening texts).

Lets face it, sensible people don't usually throw themselves under a moving train... . I did.

I know this is beginning to sound like I'm beating myself up here, and I am a bit, but I'm also tying to make sense of my actions, which now with hindsight seem so bafflingly absurd!  I also know that I've consistently repeated this mistake in my life, though not to such devastating effect until now.

Any thoughts?

Janey xx

[Learning_curve74]

Great post, janey62! What you wrote really spells out over of the patterns that I've had in my life. Only once did I feel that I had a relationship grow organically, other times it was very "head over heels" and "love at first sight" which sounds romantic but as we can see is actually not quite so healthy when red flags get ignored.

As is often mentioned on the boards, a relationship takes two people, and many of us ignored red flags or had other issues. This is not to say that our pwBPD shouldn't be responsible for their actions, only that we also should be responsible for our actions. I believe that most of us were passionate, loving, caring, and compassionate. I can only speak for myself but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that other members were quickly enmeshed and idealised their pwBPD in certain ways as well.

I realized that my pwBPD is a wounded person who looked to me to make her whole, and I am also a wounded person who looked to her to make me whole as well. Once can only ever support another on their journey of healing and self-discovery, not take the steps for them. That is one of the things I've learned.

[Learning_curve74]

I realized that I didn't answer the thread title, "are we ok?"

To answer that question, we have to define what "ok" means. And to me, I think that I should be compassionate enough to be ok with who I am at this moment. That doesn't mean that I don't strive to be healthier or better than I am now, just that I am compassionate enough and kind enough to myself to not beat myself up. Let's face it, at some level we have to believe in something to be willing to put in the work to improve it.

So yeah... . I'm ok AND getting better. 

[janey62]

That's the answer I was hoping for, I'm glad you're ok and getting better!  I think I'm ok too and learning and getting better.  I do think it's important to get out of the victim role in order to get stronger though and to do that we will have to ask ourselves some tough questions.

I met someone a while ago, in the three month break in my r/s with BPD person.  I liked him and we got on well, but I stopped seeing him and went back to my ex.  My difficulty was and has been in the past, that there wasn't a lot of excitement... . it didn't feel dangerous enough.  He is a person who is self aware, wise, a 15 years sober recovering alcoholic who has a lot of creative interests and is very spiritual and wasn't rushing into anything with me.

The fact that he didn't express undying love for me by our second date was an off putter too!   

Food for thought... .

Janey xx

[kay62105]

Hi Janey62. Great post! The thing I love most about this site is finding a post or another person to where when I read what they write I have this Eureka moment of "That's me! I could of wrote that!" Then it's a double edged sword because I hate that others have gone through or are going through what I have or am experiencing.

Everything you wrote was so perfect and well written.  Great food for thought! So many questions you asked are answers I want to find for myself. 

Unfortunately, I'm still working on if I should stay with him or not.  If I can, how I'm going to leave, how to not feel so bad, dealing with the daily problems... . That pretty much consumes me and is enough to think about for now but I hope to get to the point where I look inward more and find out why I fall they way I do and make the decisions I make that has also affected my whole life/relationship life.

It's taken being in a relationship with someone with BPD for me to realize that a lot of it is me too and the way I am, that If things weren't a little off within me then I could probably have the things I yearn for like marriage, kids, a house, trust, honestly, etc. because I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved and I know I've always picked wrong, jumped in, disregarded red flags and threw myself under the train thinking I alone could stop the momentum, ha! 

I think a reason I stay is because I have no idea how to not pick the one who doesn't confess undying love for me next time and I'm scared I'll just pick worse.  It's an easy net for me to catch myself on because I'm losing myself more than ever and can't imagine at most times how I wouldn't be more observant and cautious going further/moving on.  It's just scary being so blinsided by my BPDbf thinking I knew him and who he was just to be proven so wrong and bring me back full circle to thinking about why I thought I knew him so well so fast.  Makes me think everyone will turn that way.  I just need to convince myself that it would be better to be alone for a while then where I am at now.  Much easier said than done.

[Perfidy]

We have three questions to ask ourselves that determine our okness. Am I hurting myself? No. Am I hurting anyone else? No. Do I want to hurt myself or anyone else? No. As long as the answer to all three of those questions is no you're ok. You ok?

[seeking balance]

Great insight Janey!

Lets face it, sensible people don't usually throw themselves under a moving train... . I did.

True true - my ex even told me she was a train wreck when we met!  I, however, chose to see the phd, kid-loving, family-wanting person... . we see what we want sometimes.

Recently, I went out with someone similar to my ex and said I thought we should stick to the friend zone - said all those same things (family, kids, good job, etc) but when I watched actions - lord knows I was not going down that path again... . sensible people see what is real; children see the land of Disney.

Thanks for this post!

SB

[myself]

Healthy vs. Needy, good post, food for thought.

I had been divorced and spent time alone, in therapy, working on myself for myself. Hoping to eventually meet someone and settle down but I wasn't rushing it. Looking back, I jumped into the r/s with the ex I speak of here. I was lonely. It was exciting. She was everything I was looking for, on the surface. Not just beauty but all the things she told me about inside herself. It took awhile, but the things she hadn't told me came out, took chaotic control of the r/s, and did a lot of damage to me personally. Because I was acting out of need, not from health. I had thought I was ok, but I wasn't.

Detaching now, I'm still not ok, but getting closer. I took a few steps backwards, but they were important mistakes as I am learning from them. I am confident I will do much better the next time I may have the chance to share my life with someone in such intimate ways. I'll make sure of it.