Is this for real?

[arn131arn]

My exBPD fiancee filed a bogus restraining order on me on Jan 14th.  My hearing for this is on Jan 29th.  I am wondering, if the court believes her (I also plead guilty to two bogus DV charges over a year ago), does this mean that this will be for the rest of my life?

We have an (8) year old son together.  I have been NC with her for the past 6 weeks.  She is saying that I threw a newsaper in my replacement's lawn with vulgar words on it (I have proof I was out of town when this occured).  Not worried about it too much, I know she can't prove it because I know I di NOT do this.

I am worried about my son's future baseball games, his school functions, birthday parties, and other interests he may have that I would like to go to. 

My question is, after a certain period of time, do we eventually have to have contact with one another to CO-PARENT our child?  If I remain NC and can prove to the judge that I have not contacted her at all, can this be overturned?  Or is something likfe this permanant?

God I hate her guts!   Sorry, but she is so vindictvie bc my son'e b-day is next week... . guess another thing I can't participate in.  She has completely alienated me from him the past 5 months

thanks,

Arn and I'm hurting

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, with a "history" of abuse, this hearing may be an uphill struggle to get the court officials to seriously listen to you.

However, all is NOT lost.  Do you have any documentation (texts, phone calls, witnesses, friends who know the truth about your both, etc) that you can use in your defense?

I recall one book, it might have been Bill Eddy's Splitting handbook, saying it is better to proclaim your innocence and still get an adverse judgement versus pleading out and admitting guilt to something.  Why?  If you admit to guilt then you can't be very convincing to deny it later.  On the other hand if you claim you're not guilty than you can always make that claim even if the judge ruled differently.

If you haven't read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder then now is the time to get it.  It is inexpensive, available at some book stores, www.HighConflictInstitute and other sites.  Amazon has both the paperback and digital version you can download and read immediately.  Sounds like something you need to read today!

Is this a family court case or a civil/municipal court case that can be a misdemeanor or felony?  Keep in mind that if you're not willing to plead guilty this week, then it's likely you can get a continuance and then have more time to seek legal or other professional assistance.  (I recall that when my ex was arrested, she had at least a couple continuances before they finally gave up on getting her to accept a plea deal and moved forward with her trial.  Arrest in November, trial in March.)

So how do you explain your past pleadings to the judge?  State that back then you thought the relationship had a future and you would have plead guilty to anything to sacrifice yourself for her.  But now she is your ex-fiancee and you finally realize there is danger to you if you remain in contact with her.  Tell the judge you accept now that it is OVER and you will keep your distance.  However, you do have a child with her and there has to be some limited contact.  (Maybe ask the judge for advice on how to manage co-parenting with someone who is willing to file restraining orders because she is in an angry mood?  Mention this latest instance is probably so you can't be with your son on his upcoming birthday?)

(2 hours a week visitation is all she gives me).

Time to stop and think.  Who is in control?  Obviously your ex is.  How to change that?  Go to domestic or family court, state your ex is unreasonably limiting your parenting time and file the proper forms seeking at least standard visitation if not more because she is obstructing your parenting.  Be prepared that she will use the past DV plea deals against you.  Yes, this was her strategy to keep you feeling helpless and hopeless.  But if you plan well you can handle those objections and still get the court to order far more than 2 hours a week for you.

Interesting thing about DV cases.  They do make you look bad but... . generally don't affect the parenting time the court gives you.  Why?  DV is an adult behavior.  Unless she can convince the judge that you are abusive, neglectful or dangerous then most likely she can't stop your from eventually getting at least standard visitation.  Courts generally don't see poor parenting behaviors as impacting

What is 'standard' visitation?  For children under 3 it's short alternate weekends and 2 or 3 visits in between.  After the child is three years old then it is alternate weekends .  Yes, overnights!  Check out your local

However, one huge problem you have is that you only get a couple hours per week with your son.  That 'history' of very minimal time might go against you since courts generally don't like to 'upset' the children by changing a schedule that seems to be working.  On the other hand, her only allowing you two hours a week will not make the judge pleased with your ex.  Judge will want real reasons WHY your time is so limited.  The judge may largely ignore the claim of adult misbehaviors she makes.  Judge ought to focus on your parenting behaviors.  Since she allows you two hours at a time unsupervised then that effectively means she does not consider you "unsafe" or "dangerous".  If she allows you unsupervised time with your son, even if just a few hours at a time, she can't walk into court and demand supervised time since all this time she has been allowing unsupervised time.

In this restraining order case, try to get the judge to EXCLUDE your son from it.  Remember, that's what she's probably trying to do to you.  ((You may just have to have your own parties and events with your son in the years to come.  And if you file in court for a court order for parenting time then you'd also get alternating holidays every year, the court's holiday schedule and not her scraps and crumbs.)  Just brainstorming... . If she doesn't withdraw the complaint then ask the judge how you can protect yourself from false allegations in the future?

By the way, be very, very careful not to share your court strategies with ex or she will take that knowledge and try to sabotage you.  So far she's been winning because of your inaction.  By using carefully prepared strategies, eventually you can sidestep her obstructions and get at least minimal time from the court that is far more than you would ever get from her.

[whirlpoollife]

In my case it did not help but , FD I welcome your opinion on this, would a GAL help in this case?

[ForeverDad]

Well, arn, you have two issues here, separate and unrelated as far as the court might view it, at least at this point in time.

First, if you havesn't sought to go to family court to obtain an enforceable parenting schedule, then the court might simply ignore your parenting situation.  It deals with only the cases presented to it.  This is where you have to decide when and how to stand up and seek that.  We can help with that, so can a local family law attorney familiar with your local court and the state law.  You will surely get far more time with your child than your ex allows.  With a court order it won't matter what your ex wants or thinks, though of course she will try to obstruct it in every way she can, that's the nature of the BPD beast.

Second, the ex has claimed some sort of DV.  Admitting guilt in hopes it just "goes away" is a self-defeating strategy when dealing with oppositional pwBPD.  We can understand how it happened the first time or two, but now that you've identified the pattern of obstruction you have to start protecting yourself and reclaiming your parenthood.  Since claims of DV are about adult behaviors, court may be unwilling to conclude your parenting should be restricted for that reason, but you can't count on it.

Your ex may never be cooperative no matter what you do or don't do, little can be done about it.  Yes, maybe better communication skills so she won't be triggered as much might help a little, but fact is that mostly you can't control her actions, reactions and overreactions.  Just be the best father you can be, stand up for yourself and your parenting with good firm boundaries and seek court intervention as necessary.  It will be a hard learning process at first, but over time it will be easier to handle.

A lawyer for your child (GAL or Guardian ad Litem) might be necessary but likely one would never be assigned until you seek to get a parenting schedule ordered by the court.  Besides seeking a lawyer for your child, the court can also order a psych eval of the parents or custody evaluation.  All of them are good things since they would reveal that ex is obstructive and you're (hopefully) reasonably normal.  As I wrote above, all family courts have standard parenting schedules, ex would hate them since NONE of them would view 2 hours a week as a reasonable standard for a reasonably normal parent.  Overnights with your child is NORMAL.  Two, three or four days on alternate weekends is NORMAL.  Shorter visits in between the alternate weekends, either evening visits or overnights, is NORMAL.  No overnights and a couple hours a week is NOT NORMAL.  Got it?  Of course, right now your priority is to defuse the current case since a poor outcome there would make seeking more parenting a more difficult goal to attain.

BTW... . Just pondering here in case my experience helps... . My ex filed harassment claims against me, happens to a lot of us here.  My lawyer warned me that she could get up to 5 years of 'protection' if left up to a judge to decide, all she would need to do is claim to be 'fearful'.  So, what to do?  We ended up settling but only after she agreed to these terms:

• The order would continue only for a limited number of months.



• It was a type of settlement that was final could not be extended or renewed.  If she wanted more time she would have to start a new case to prove a need for one.



• I admitted no guilt.



• We agreed court made "no finding of guilt". (a legal phrase to protect me in case she ever claimed I was guilty)



• Our child was excluded from the settlement since family court had jurisdiction of parenting issues including parenting time and how child exchanges were to be made.

[momtara]

Definitely fight it.  Sounds like you have proof she was lying this time.  Smart move.  Don't let down your guard.  As others will tell you here, anything can become permanent, so start right off the bat fighting (in a calm way) for what's right. 

[ForeverDad]

We have an (8) year old son together.  I have been NC with her for the past 6 weeks.  She is saying that I threw a newspaper in my replacement's lawn with vulgar words on it (I have proof I was out of town when this occurred).  Not worried about it too much, I know she can't prove it because I know I did NOT do this.

Definitely fight it.  Sounds like you have proof she was lying this time.  Smart move.  Don't let down your guard.  As others will tell you here, anything can become permanent, so start right off the bat fighting (in a calm way) for what's right.

I didn't notice before that you have proof you weren't around.  And you now have an attorney.  Based on that it's very possible the entire case will get dismissed.  Even if it is continued to another date, your attorney should ask the judge to immediately exclude your son from the case, since (1) the claimed actions have nothing to do with parenting and (2) it was timed so you would miss an event with your son.

You now recognize her pattern of obstruction and her need to control, dictate and dominate.  Appeasement didn't work, it just allowed things to get even worse.  Now is the time to belatedly set firm boundaries.  She won't let you do that so you'll need the resources of family court to be the ones to make parenting orders that will hopefully limit how much she can obstruct.

[sfbayjed]

Your Ex and mine must be related.  Not all hope is lost.  I plead to a bogus DV charge years ago and now have majority custody. I have been through a similar thing

In hindsight, I think it is important right now to try to relax. yeah, I know, not easy.

Try to take some time to just think and consider a few things.

You are not the person she is painting you to be. It doesn't matter how many people believe her right now, people will start to figure it out after awhile and the ones that never do, you don't really want in your life anyway. Because, how could they not figure it out?

you are not the only one, with a bogus DV conviction, and bogus RO's.  If you didn't do it, you didn't do it. It is hard, a bogus DV charge is embarrassing, and you didnt do it, it is easy to be resentful.   You hating her only gives her more power, however. She wants you to hate her. What you want to be is indifferent to her.

In my state, with a recent dv charge, there is a presumption against you having custody, it is only a presumption, with a solid argument showing the truth, it can be overcome. You should find out how a DV conviction affects custody in your state.  You should get a lawyer if you can. It is unfortunate that we non-BPDs find ourselves in these situations. The laws are designed as if, someone with a conviction really did it.

RO you should fight it, they last 3 or 5 years, I think, but the record never goes away. The criminal DV you can get expunged after awhile, if your state has an expungment law.  But the RO's are on public record forever.  IN my state an RO against you by your children s mother is the same as a recent DV conviction as far as a presumption against custody.   

it is not a 100 yard dash, it is a marathon. Like it or not, these are the cards you have right now.  

You are the only stable parent the kids have. They are going to need you. DOnt be the person she is painting you to be. Be the person you are, try to always put what is best for the kids first. She is a train wreck and you are no longer on board.

document as much as you can. Get your son in therapy if you can. A childs therapist can get a good insight into the family dynamics and if you ever have a custody evaluation the evaluater will talk to the therapist.  Get yourself into therapy to.

You dont need to win.  You need to walk the line, stay out of trouble and be the best dad you can be and wait for her to lose.

She has won the battle through lies and distortions, but not the war. It is how you act from now on that is going to determine how things work out, how healthy the kids will be able to be, ect.  It may not be easy at first, you may have limited time at first because of the DV conviction. Hopefully not, but you are going to have to do the best with what you have to and dont give up on your son.  







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