Really struggling today

[Phoenix2014]

Hello,

I'm having a very hopeless feeling day in BPD world. My dBPDH has been in treatment for almost a year now. Things have gotten much better and have been feeling really hopeful. But he had a horrible rage yesterday. I tried to follow through on boundary setting... . left for a half hour, turned off my phone for that time. This is a method we've agreed on with his therapist when he is being verbally abusive. It's worked quite a few times in a row and I was feeling fantastic about it. But in that half hour break yesterday, he did major damage to the house, smashed my work computer, and spent a good chunk of our savings.  In 30 minutes! By the time I got back to the house, he was even more enraged. He threatened all sorts of violence. And I couldn't bring myself to follow through with leaving again, which is what I know I'm supposed to do. I was so afraid. He eventually calmed down, after 6+ more hours of verbal abuse. And this morning the anger was right there again.

He has not worked in quite a few years, so he is reliant on me financially. We moved across the country from all of our family and friends recently, and he has no friends in this entire state, so he is reliant on me emotionally. He has no means to take care of himself as an adult, which leaves me feeling extremely trapped.

What's scaring me the most is that I'm getting to a point where I don't care what the reason is behind his behavior. I have been so enmeshed in his illness for so many years, taking on all of his emotions and problems.  And I'm getting to a point where I don't care that he's ill.  I care about regaining some form of life and being away from all of the abuse and drama.  I'm afraid I'm just going to snap and leave, and he will almost definitely end up committing suicide.

[Seneca]

phoenix, i am so sorry you had to endure that yesterday. in my opinion, when you got home and he had trashed the house, you would have been justified calling the police and then filing a restraining order. anybody who can do that to things, is a person with enough anger to do that to a person i think. you definitely should not have to live in an unsafe environment.

i understand your weariness, and i am sure we all relate to it. the truth is, you have done a great job supporting him in his recovery, but it is NOT your job. it is your choice. and it is a choice you can change at any time. you were saddled with it, and his life is not in your hands - it is in his. he bears the responsibility for his feelings and actions, not you. have you read "the bridge"? read it through... . perhaps it'll show you that there is something you haven't considered, which you do not deserve to feel guilt over:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

first and foremost - protect yourself. keep your boundaries. if there is anything physical or threatening toward you (even words, like "i'm going to kill you", i recommend calling for help. if it turns out to be an isolated mistake and he gets back with the program, perhaps you'll be able to reinforce the boundaries and try again. but if it becomes an extended dysregulation and you feel you cannot work with him anymore, then maybe it will be time to move on. only you can decide that. 

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Phoenix,

I'm in the same boat. Same thing happened to my comp and later I was told that I was "partly responsible for it".

The threats have been constant and destabilizing. Got a text from uBPDw that I have been ungrateful and she regretted she ever was with me and basically all my fault. No remorse or sense of responsibility. That is how the story is and how it unfolds I don't know. I'm a mess, but one thing I keep telling myself that whatever happens to hang in there and don't give up on our self, at least. Hope we hang in there and be true to ourselves.

[NewWays]

Phoenix2014... .

I am sorry for your "very bad day"  Many of us as nons, have had the feeling that hope is something that seems very hard to see or just seems to fade as we travel our path with our BPD spouse.

Many of the Ambassadors, Advisors and Moderators here can really help you gain even more perspective on your situation and options for you.

Do not forget about making sure you focus on YOU!

As my marriage to my dBPDw ends, I too experienced some of the things you outlined in your post and explained/rationalized them that I feared them but mentally rationalized like they were the norm or "expected" until... . like you, I experienced a violent and explosive rage one night and after my wife landed several right hooks to my face, hurled a dozen CDs in jewel cases at my head and threw the digital cordless phone and charger that hit the corner of my right eye socket... . the overnight bleeding of a ruptured blood vessel in my eye and the most severe pain at the corner area of my eye socket... . all slapped me into a much needed reality mode the next day when I visited my doctor.

It hit me like a brick wall when my personal Physician advised me that the reason most of white area of my right eye had turned to a blood red purple was due to the bleeding of the ruptured blood vessel and that the severe pain and swelling of the corner eye socket was caused by a fragmented fracture of the corner of my eye socket as a result of the phone and phone/charger striking my eye socket.

My Physician geve me no choice and since we had discussed the year before stresses from our marriage struggles, he told me that what I was presentting to him was the exact items he presents to his medical students for physical abuse.  He gave me no choice and called a medical school best friend PsyD who I saw the next day.

It was the best thing that could of happened for me and my ability to "Look in the mirror"... . you have to take care of yourself since the daily FOG and chaos of living with a spouse with BPD traits can sometimes cloud the reality of who your spouse is, what they are challenged with and most important... . the same look at you and your options and the realities that you need to really understand for you.

Do not ignore yourself... . I wish you peace and safety as you travel your path with the challenges of BPD.

God Bless You... .

NewWays

[Soulsisters]

Oh dear Phoenix.

I am so sorry you are so afraid.  That truly is hard. 

Does he suddenly act like nothing happened a few hours later? 

What do you want to do?  Ask yourself about yourself.  You need to hold on to your esteem before you lose it.  It is a bhit to get back. 

Think of your own needs and wants.  Please be good to you.

Be strong.  I am sorry that happened to you

[maxsterling]

He has not worked in quite a few years, so he is reliant on me financially. We moved across the country from all of our family and friends recently, and he has no friends in this entire state, so he is reliant on me emotionally. He has no means to take care of himself as an adult, which leaves me feeling extremely trapped.

I'm afraid I'm just going to snap and leave, and he will almost definitely end up committing suicide.

This is exactly the situation I am feeling.  I'm sorry to hear you are going through it too.  I'm not sure exactly what my fear is.  She is becoming more and more attached and dependent on me.  She has no close friends in town, and seems to have painted all of them black.  I think I fear the next time she rages.  I don't fear the rage as much as I fear the reaction.  I think I will have no choice but to tell her to leave in order to protect myself.  And I am 99% sure she will either attempt suicide or go back to drugs.  It's a very painful position to be in, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  By far the ost difficult thing I have faced in my life. 

We are here for you on this board - about all I can say is that if you decide to leave him, and he does something destructive, it's not your fault.  You have a right to leave.  You have a right to save your own life.