I think I've reached my limit

[Kifazes]

My life has been turned upside down since a few months. Nothing BPD related.

And it's like since all of that happened, I got free of my BPDbf's spell on me.

It's like I finally realized I need to keep my own sanity and safety for the things in life that really matter. Like the court thing I'm going through with my ex about the kids.

And since all of this ___ came down on me, it's like I didn't have 'time' anymore for my BPDbf's crazyness. I just don't have the space in my head anymore to put in more guilt feelings, talk hours about unreasonable and dellusional issues with the BPDbf.

I'm getting detached. For real this time.

In the past I still found the time to 'be there' for my BPDbf when he was having one of his (many) days of sadness, raging, push-pull, ... .

This time I'm fully disconnected when he gets into that stage of BPD again.

A few days ago, I was writing here on the board that he was blaming me for him wanting to kill himself. A day later he was acting all sweet and lovely. Today he was giving me the silent treatment. And the only thing I could think of was how nice it would be if I was living on my own, didn't had to follow crazy-borderline-rules, living my life like I wanted to live it, and having time for myself and my own thoughts and problems.

I've never been to this point. And I must say, it's liberating. I don't dread him coming home from work anymore, cause there's nothing he can do to change my mood.

I need to be happy, I need it. I can't affort to go down his spiral of depressiveness (is that a word?), cause when I break down, there's no one that will catch me. If I'm having a nervrous breakdown, he won't take more on him than normal, and wouldn't take me serious.

And because of that, me needing to be happy and needing to have space in my head, has gotten me detached... .


I just needed to write it down, cause this is the happiest I have been in years :-)

[Southern_Belle]

Best of luck to you!

I think I might be getting there myself. 

[beachtalks]

Your mental place is my goal 

[Seneca]

guuuurl... .  

there is a thread on here entitled "what was your last straw" or something similar... . THAT is it. when it is the last straw, you know it. it could be a look, or a phrase, or an explosion... . it could be anything. but it's like... . one drop of water too many, and the dam breaks. the curtain is lifted and you can see there was no wizard - it was just a man and a bunch of gimmicky tricks. the truth - i am being drug through hell, i can't make a difference here, i am tired of this s%^t, i'm done. and whether you detach immediately or in a year or what, you won't come back from this state of mind of being able to see the full picture, and rejecting it.

[Kifazes]

Thank you all for replying.

I did respond in the thread of the last straw :-)

But I didn't knew I would keep feeling the same. I thought that when he would be a sweet man again, I'd fall for it.

In the past, I had many times made up my mind when he was in a rage, but when the rage was passed, I'd stay again... . This time is different. He can't hurt me.

I even took on more hours at work, because I want to be away from home as much as possible. Just to get more peace.

Although it doesn't bother me anymore what he thinks of me, or what he says to me. He will not respect my boundaries. So when I'm away from home, I know I won't be disturbed by him.

When I know he's home from workk, and I'm still at work. I even shut down my phone. I don't want to answer his questions as to why I didn't pick up or something, or why I'm not at home already.

I'm loving the freedom it gives me!

I know though, that I won't be out pretty soon. I would love to, but we have a house together, and we still have to live in it for 2 years or pay a fine to the bank. And really, I don't have any money.

Since all of my savings I had, went to the house (ofcourse he kept his savings to himself).

So I need more hours at work, I'm getting them, and I'm loving them. And every extra money I make, goes to my personal bank account, to save for my own place :-)

You can't believe how exciting that is! Being able to dream over a place of my own, however hard and difficult it will be financially.

it's freedom and peace at its finest! Only because of that, I feel I WANT to live again, and start enjoying life again :-)

I hope you all may feel what I feel, and feel that it is good ^^

[Cloudy Days]

I am going through a lot of things right now too, some really emotional stuff that I really just end up falling apart anyways because I need to. I think it is opening my eyes to the amount of support my husband is capable of. Not only is there Zero support from him but he has been making sure that he steps up his madness so I can handle the other stuff even less. I don't think I have gotten to the last straw but I am so close to it, I can see it and I know it's going to happen, I've been on the edge for a long time.

I hope that someday I can get to a point where I don't care about what he does or says. I think going through other troubles in life can wake you up from the fog. When life gets hard you need someone in your corner routing for you. In my case my husband is plotting against me to make sure I fail. It just makes you realize that this stress is not worth it.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

This happens to me all the time, in fact this morning. Not sure why I just realized that this is their coping mechanism, if they can't handle their stuff they try their best to make sure we don't too. It's very tough  to not care what somebody so close to you says, so that didn't work very well for me. So I am telling myself that we shouldn't let them cause us to fail because that is something that we can work on Easy to say but it's up to us, if we fail in our other troubles, we take responsibility and they definitely won't even though they had in some way caused it.

I am going through a lot of things right now too, some really emotional stuff that I really just end up falling apart anyways because I need to. I think it is opening my eyes to the amount of support my husband is capable of. Not only is there Zero support from him but he has been making sure that he steps up his madness so I can handle the other stuff even less. I don't think I have gotten to the last straw but I am so close to it, I can see it and I know it's going to happen, I've been on the edge for a long time.

I hope that someday I can get to a point where I don't care about what he does or says. I think going through other troubles in life can wake you up from the fog. When life gets hard you need someone in your corner routing for you. In my case my husband is plotting against me to make sure I fail. It just makes you realize that this stress is not worth it.