A Christmas miracle, now nothing comments anyone?

[Parents! Get help here!]

It's been quite some time since I have been to this site.  I did indeed have a Christmas miracle.  I buy my undiagnosed son age 40,   presents for  birthday and Christmas every year,  even though we have no contact and have not had for the past 2 years. His decision,  not mine.

This year for Christmas,  I tried something a little different.  I brought his present to his dads house for him to open on Christmas eve.  The plan was that I was to call my daughter and tell her when I was in the subdivision and she would  meet me outside to retrieve the present.  As I arrived she was there,  but my BPD son as well.  As I walked up the drive he met me hugged me very tightly,  telling me that it was alright.  Things are ok,  I of course cried and told him how much I loved and missed him.

He asked me to come in and I refused,  saying it was his Christmas with his father and stepmother.  He asked many times,  but I really could not.  He asked if we'd be home on Christmas day, and I said yes.  I thought surely he'd come by,  but he did not.  He then texted me thanking me  for the present and that he hoped I have a good Christmas.

It is the end of Jan and I have heard nothing,  not a single word.  I have not contacted him either.  I want so badly to,  but I am afraid to do the wrong thing.  We are having a bad winter storm and I would like to know if he is ok,  I dare not call,  but I'd like to text him to ask if he's ok. 

I am afraid that he will ignore the text which would hurt me,  or he would write something hurtful back and hurt me even more.

I bought him a medal for him to wear for safety,  he is a policeman.  I wrote a thoughtful message inside the package telling him, I pray for his safety,  but again am afraid to send it.  I don't want him thinking I am interrupting his life,  or thinking I just can't be without him, or bothering him,  or bugging him,  or just plain trying too hard.   I have prayed for the right answer,  but I still have not come to a decision.

Any ideas or suggestions... . ?

[angeldust1]

It's been quite some time since I have been to this site.  I did indeed have a Christmas miracle.  I buy my undiagnosed son age 40,   presents for  birthday and Christmas every year,  even though we have no contact and have not had for the past 2 years. His decision,  not mine.

This year for Christmas,  I tried something a little different.  I brought his present to his dads house for him to open on Christmas eve.  The plan was that I was to call my daughter and tell her when I was in the subdivision and she would  meet me outside to retrieve the present.  As I arrived she was there,  but my BPD son as well.  As I walked up the drive he met me hugged me very tightly,  telling me that it was alright.  Things are ok,  I of course cried and told him how much I loved and missed him.

He asked me to come in and I refused,  saying it was his Christmas with his father and stepmother.  He asked many times,  but I really could not.  He asked if we'd be home on Christmas day, and I said yes.  I thought surely he'd come by,  but he did not.  He then texted me thanking me  for the present and that he hoped I have a good Christmas.

It is the end of Jan and I have heard nothing,  not a single word.  I have not contacted him either.  I want so badly to,  but I am afraid to do the wrong thing.  We are having a bad winter storm and I would like to know if he is ok,  I dare not call,  but I'd like to text him to ask if he's ok. 

I am afraid that he will ignore the text which would hurt me,  or he would write something hurtful back and hurt me even more.

I bought him a medal for him to wear for safety,  he is a policeman.  I wrote a thoughtful message inside the package telling him, I pray for his safety,  but again am afraid to send it.  I don't want him thinking I am interrupting his life,  or thinking I just can't be without him, or bothering him,  or bugging him,  or just plain trying too hard.   I have prayed for the right answer,  but I still have not come to a decision.

Any ideas or suggestions... . ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

I wonder if he felt rejected by you when you wouldn't come in? It would seem as if he opened a door to communication, so I would think you could at least text him and see if he answers- if he hasn't contacted you there isn't much to lose. he could either continue not answering , or respond.

Thanks for giving me hope though, I have been no contact with my daughter , 27, for 7 months, and I have been wondering if , after we have been "painted black" they would come back to us. Sounds like your son is on his way back if he hugged you.

Good luck.

[crazedncrazymom]

I know you've been hurt and are worried about being hurt again.  It's a tough position to be in.  I think in your heart you know what you want to do.  You've been buying your son gifts for years and leaving them for him.  Finally he comes out and hugs you, which has to be your dream.  It must have seemed so surreal.  I know I would have been shocked and surprised too!

The fact is... . he made the first move.  Now what are you going to do?  I say text him and ask how he is with all this weather.  Can't hurt anymore than you already are right?

[angeldust1]

Thanks for your replies,

Co-jo,  I can so,  relate to your estranged child and no contact.  He has done this on and off for almost 25 years. ( you would think I'd get used to it).  The day his father and I split up,  it started,  and has not really let up since.  The difference now... . is that I know what I am dealing with,  and it makes it somewhat easier,  and I do not feel so alone,  in that,  it is a disorder,  and not just a son being cruel to his mother who would give up her life for him. His father is a diagnosed bi-polar and I feel he is also BPD. ( we split up when he became physically violent,  and wouldn't not give up his teen age girlfriend) 

So there again I never know how I would have been greeted,  and the last thing I wanted was to be rejected,  inside their home.  My daughter feels ( who is extremely functional, level headed and nothing like her brother) thinks it was the right thing to do.  She too,  feels too much contact will precipitate more heartache.  He just can't be crowed or he will come out fighting,  and that is the last thing I would want.

As some of you know,   there is never the "Right thing to do" you are damned of you do damned if you don't!  Hard place to be in,  but it's where we are.

As far as going in,  I don't really feel it was my place because it wasn't his house,  but his fathers.  and on my way to my husbands Christmas party with his family and we had part of the food,  which they were waiting on,  and I expressed that to him.   

I thought he would have come the next day if he wanted to see me,   and visited me then,  but of course with this disorder there are nothing but surprises, (letdowns) would be a better word.  I will just continue on,  I suppose,  and if the right time comes,  I will text him.  I will send the medal and see if I get a response.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, angeldust1  

I'm really sorry for all the sadness you are having with your son... . I actually have dealt with this kind of thing (oddly enough!) not with my dBPDson36, but my non-son34 because of his uBPDwife who was demanding no contact for all sorts of illogical (to us) reasons, and my non-son, her husband, would go along with her in order to preserve their marriage. I understood that he needed to support his wife in order to keep their relationship happy, and I saw that sometimes his perception of the situations that would cause her to demand no contact would eventually match hers. Fleas, indeed  

This problem actually lasted for almost 10 years... . the 10 years of their relationship before I came here and learned about BPD, and then read all I could and found a way to make things better. As of now, the no contact ended last summer (soon after I learned the mindset, attitude & communication tools and techniques on this site), and things are still humming along nicely. The truth is, she didn't change the way she saw me and treated me, until I changed the way I saw her and treated her. I won't go back to the way it used to be, even if she ever dysregulates again and demands no contact again; I'm a different person now and I like it  

Here are the links to the information that changed me the most (besides learning and using the communication TOOLS to the right-hand side of this page):

Radical Acceptance for family members

BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

During this time of no (or limited) contact with your son, you might want to check out those links above, and all of the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right side margin of this page. Even if you've read them all before, re-reading them will quite possibly bring new insights and Aha! moments to you (at least that is what multiple readings have accomplished for me   ).

I do believe you did have your Christmas Miracle, and actually I don't see that the fact of that has changed at all... . I'm very happy for you that you've established contact with your son again, and I agree with co.jo and crazedncrazymom that things are looking up and you have reason to be happy and positive... . Using the fact of the Breakthrough you had at Christmas, and being thankful for any Tiny Little Changes in your relationship with him that you can remember and cherish to keep you going, I think that re-reading the links you've read before (and any you haven't read yet that I've linked to above), can keep things moving in the right direction with your son. You have made much progress since before Christmas, and you should be so proud of that    What do you think?