only a dream

[AllisG]

Monday night my bf overheard me on the phone telling a friend about a sexy dream I had about a male celebrity.  That's all I said... . I had a sex dream about Ryan Gosling.

Huge mistake.

He hasn't let up on me since.

Believe me I've tried SET, validating, validating, validating.

He feels:

It's inappropriate to discuss dreams; they should be private.

I am in love with Ryan Gosling.

I am repulsed by him (SO) and no longer sexually attracted to him.

I never think about him, if I did I'd only have dreams of him.

Since I seemed happy when I told my friend I must have enjoyed it.

Then he keeps asking who else I have dreams about, who else do I love, who else do I want to sleep with?

Also making sarcastic remarks about it.  He literally refuses to talk about anything else.  And my favorite: putting words in my mouth and twisting my words.

After two days of this I told him I was done and I would not discuss it any further.  He kept on so I haven't responded to him for a few hours. 

He won't stop this until I agree that having a dream about another man is wrong, and that it was wrong for me to tell my friend about the dream.

It's so difficult to do this, or something similar. 

I wanted to scream at him, "this is so ridiculous.  It's sick!  Don't you see how f**ked up this is?  It was a dream, I cannot control my dreams!  You're sick!"

But I can't, and I know he doesn't see, he can't see how sick this.  I just don't know if I can stick it out for the long run.

[maxsterling]

Being held responsible for what happens in your dream - and being held responsible for what you did in the pwBPD dream is not uncommon.  I think there was a thread about it awhile back.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but we are here for you.

A few weeks ago, I was out with my GF, and we most randomly ran into my ex in a very out of the way place.  My GF obsessed about it for days and would ask weird questions.  I was trying to not think about my ex, but she kept brining her up!  I finally told her that I don't want to discuss my ex, to which my girlfriend replied something about her freaking out and I don't care about her freaking out.  Umm.  I didn't plan on running into my ex.  It was over and done with in 10 minutes.  I was freaked out, too, and yet I am supposed to comfort her emotions?

Here is what I think is going on in his brain:  I'm guessing he's had crushes on actresses before, and I am guessing he has had conversations with his buddies about some woman somewhere being attractive, and desiring her.  Why? Because he is human.  And I am guessing he has had more dating partners than you, and probably gotten involved with some of them quickly, had one night stands, or ended relationships quickly.  Why?  Because he has BPD.  So, when he overhears you talk about another man, you become him.  he doesn't understand how you can have a simple conversation without you completely wanting to be with this actor.  He's projecting his behavior onto you, because he does not understand how a non-BPD thinks.

My GF does this all the time.  A day after we ran into my ex, she asked "did she try to contact you yet?"  Huh?  She asks because that is something she would likely do.  they don't understand that their thoughts are abnormal, and that all people don't act that way.  The other day she was talking about how being in a relationship is more stressful, because "you are constantly worrying about the other person leaving you."  Huh?  I don't worry about that at all.  pwBPD assume everybody sleeps around or has a constant desire to cheat, because that is what they do. 

[AllisG]

Is it not exhausting?

Why stay?

It sounds all too familiar.

My SO has a problem with any male, especially exes. 

My ex has a very common name, and I tense up whenever my SO sees or hears it.  He has a meltdown.

Somehow this is my  too.  If a character in a movie has the same name as an ex my SO will make snide remarks or laugh whenever the character comes on screen.  As though that character is my ex.  After the movie he'll interrogate me about my feelings for the character and speed venom at me for how terrible I am for still loving my ex. 

It's like this every day now. 

[maxsterling]

Yep, very exhausting.  It feels like I am constantly needing to prepare myself.  I know I can't live like this forever.  I need to start telling her honestly how I feel when she says stuff like that.   

"sweety, I know you want to be with me forever, and I want to be with you forever, too.  But when I hear language like that, I feel like you don't trust me, and mutual trust is very important in a healthy relationship."

Why stay?  Not sure.  I do love and care about her, but this is just getting too much. 

[AllisG]

You don't know?  Thanks, , I thought you could shed some light on why I do.  Is love enough when it is killing me?

We are on day four and he's STILL on about the dream.

He can't get over that I dreamed of another man.  Now he's started bashing Ryan Gosling. 

Then he says he had a dream about me.  This means, of course, that he thinks of me.  Which, of course, means I don't think of him or I'd dream about him and no one else. 

I know what it means:  I'll never be able to watch another movie starring Ryan Gosling again unless it is in secret.

He really wants us to live together.  He asked me this morning if that was a sure thing.  I told him:  Baby, I love you and I want this to be forever too. But we have to get you well.  I can't live like this.

Needless to say it didn't go over well. 

He's decided he's not going to initiate contact with me.  I told him "okay, that's your decision."

Needless to say it didn't go over well.  I think he wanted me to argue, beg, and talk him out of it.

I didn't... . so it's back to me not loving him, and texting me about my insidious dream every five minutes.

sigh

[maxsterling]

I advise not to live with him.  Hold firm on that boundary.  I didn't ask my GF to move in with me, I offered to give her a place to stay while she was relocating to my city.  At the time, I said that I think it would be best for our brand new relationship if the living arrangements were temporary.  But, that was before I knew about any kind of BPD, when she portrayed herself as an independent-minded person like myself who needed her own space.  A few weeks in, and she was complaining that we needed a hit_ and hit of mine was no good, and I needed to do hit to make her feel at home (fill anything into the blanks).  Looking back, I think she had no intention of leaving, and she now says that she was hoping I would ask her to move in.

But I can tell you, living with a BPD complicates the hell out of things.  I'm pretty sure I would not be in this relationship now if we did not live together.  Living together makes it much harder for me to make up my mind.  In a perfect world, I think I would tell her that I love her and care about her, but that I think she needs to take time away from me to figure her own issues out.  Because really, living with me is probably preventing her from facing herself.  I am her drug.

AllisG - it sounds like you have a perfect opportunity now to make up your mind, or at least set a firm boundary. I don't think this nonsense about the dream will end anytime soon, and even when it does there will be something else.   

[momtara]

"putting words in my mouth" and "twisting my words"

So odd!  My husband used the exact same language on me all the time!  It's scary how similar some of them are. 

I think the 'good' personality can't comprehend what the 'bad' raging personality does, so they don't always remember their own words, or at least, can't come to terms right away.  (Deep inside, they know they said it but they can't stand it.)

After these circular conversations, my husband would usually drop it after about 3 days.  But I guess they don't all do that.

[AllisG]

It is scary how similar they are.

Reading the boards I am amazed, I'm screaming at my phone, "wow!  That is so him! To a T."

Also yes, when you meet them... . they are amazing!  How did I get so lucky to find this wonderful man?

Quickly things go down hill.  Now I'm getting the life sucked out of me. 

[lemon flower]

Here is what I think is going on in his brain:  I'm guessing he's had crushes on actresses before, and I am guessing he has had conversations with his buddies about some woman somewhere being attractive, and desiring her.  Why? Because he is human.  And I am guessing he has had more dating partners than you, and probably gotten involved with some of them quickly, had one night stands, or ended relationships quickly.  Why?  Because he has BPD.  So, when he overhears you talk about another man, you become him.  he doesn't understand how you can have a simple conversation without you completely wanting to be with this actor.  He's projecting his behavior onto you, because he does not understand how a non-BPD thinks.

pwBPD assume everybody sleeps around or has a constant desire to cheat, because that is what they do. 

exactly ! it's projection... . I hadn't realised that before, thanks for a new insight :-)  if I only mention a guy, it could be an ex-friend, my teacher, a friend of his,... . the only thing he thinks is that I'm after them, as if everyone who is male would be good enough for me to replace him... .

his biggest fear is that I would have sex with his brother, so according to this new point of view it means that he's having these thoughts about my sister    the BPD-world, better than any soap series... .

[momtara]

other favorite expressions:

that's a guilt trip!

you have no right to accuse me of... .

hmmm, have to think of some others.

[unicorn2014]

Wow Allis, I can relate to this too. I've also been held responsible for my dreams by my dBPDSO. If you're at a point where you can leave the relationship, take advantage of it! Its not going to change unless your BPDSO gets treatment.