She actually told me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I mentioned this in another post, but thought it needed a thread of it's own... .

I can't remember how my GF and I got on this subject, possibly talking about someone else, but we were talking about relationship in general.  And she mentioned how that once you are in a relationship, there is more stress, because "you are constantly worrying about whether the other person will dump you."

Wow. 

I've never, ever worried about that.  Yeah, breakups suck, and are sad, and I sometimes wish they didn't happen. But, during the times when the relationship has been going well, I can't recall ever thinking, "WOW - she may dump me - what do I do to stop that?"  Sure, there have been times when there is an event in a relationship, and I scramble to let her know that I still care and want to be with her.  But if she chooses another path, it hurts, and I am sad, but I respect her choice and don't fight to win her over again and don't panic. 

I guess that is what goes on in her mind, and in a pwBPD's mind. 

[maxsterling]

I mentioned this in another post, but thought it needed a thread of it's own... .

I can't remember how my GF and I got on this subject, possibly talking about someone else, but we were talking about relationship in general.  And she mentioned how that once you are in a relationship, there is more stress, because "you are constantly worrying about whether the other person will dump you."

Wow. 

I've never, ever worried about that.  Yeah, breakups suck, and are sad, and I sometimes wish they didn't happen. But, during the times when the relationship has been going well, I can't recall ever thinking, "WOW - she may dump me - what do I do to stop that?"  Sure, there have been times when there is an event in a relationship, and I scramble to let her know that I still care and want to be with her.  But if she chooses another path, it hurts, and I am sad, but I respect her choice and don't fight to win her over again and don't panic. 

I guess that is what goes on in her mind, and in a pwBPD's mind. 

[Cipher13]

My wife hasn't come out and said the same thing but I wonder if thats how she feels to.  Now I can't imagine being in a relationship and constantly thinking I am going to be dumped. But thats how they tend to feel. My wife live in constant fear I am going to leave. She even keeps my passport in her purse. 

Now on the other hand I am now thinking I want out but thats because of 12 years of this not getting any better not just because.

[Cloudy Days]

I've noticed this with my husband too. He's always very concerned that I am going to leave him. However I know that 9 years into our relationship he has done a lot that would deserve me leaving. He's told me outright that he thinks I am going to leave him and often and he asks me not to leave him. "No matter what I say, Please never leave me". He also tells me often that he wants a divorce 

My husband's line to me along the same lines was, "you know it's so much harder being in a relationship with someone because then I have to worry about you cheating on me every day". I tried to explain to him, that it isn't something that he has to worry about but you know how that goes.

[AllisG]

My bf is like that too.

Every argument, every disagreement no matter how small and insignificant he says:

So now what?  You're going to break up with me?

Or some variation of that.  If I'm five minutes late he assumes it's because I don't love him and don't want to spend time with him. 

He makes me promise every day that we'll be together forever. Lately I've felt like it's been a lie, that I won't be with him forever. 

[Cipher13]

He's told me outright that he thinks I am going to leave him and often and he asks me not to leave him. "No matter what I say, Please never leave me". He also tells me often that he wants a divorce 

My wife tells me sometimes "I know you don't love me and want o be with me. The sooner you admit that the sooner we can move on." 

If I'm five minutes late he assumes it's because I don't love him and don't want to spend time with him.

Same here. Or I was cheating. Becasue in that unaccounted 5 mins I met a strange woman and convinced her that I am the man of her dreams. She even went so far one tim eto accuse me of it in the 10 mins it took me to get out of the shower and dressed while she was in the next room of the house. Said I smelled like I have the sent of a strange woman. I just got out of the shower!

[maxsterling]

Cipher - my dBPDgf is always sniffing me and smelling things.  I wonder if this is part of it. 

I had an ex that used to smell my deodorant, claim it was the perfume of another woman, and had this elaborate story about how I had another girlfriend I was visiting during the day.  This went on and on.  But she didn't really get upset.  I'd tell her I had nobody else, and she thought I was lying because she saw the other woman in a "vision".  And then she would give me a hard time for not cheating on her    Anyway, eventually I decided to quit wearing deodorant so that she would knock it off.

[Cipher13]

Man these relationships really make us do stuff I never would have thought.

[Cloudy Days]

Oh, the smelling thing... . He actually smelled my breast yesterday and said it smelled like soap we didn't own.

My husband also told me while we were on vacation, that he thought I met some guys in the hotel lobby (while I was checking in getting our room keys) and was mocking him to these guys while he was waiting in the car. There wasn't even anyone in the hotel lobby, we had to go find a different hotel anyways though. What gets me so mad about these kinds of things, is that I am not even a social person. Talking to a group of guys is not something I would have ever been comfortable doing ever.

I think that they really believe that they are so screwed up that no one could possibly be faithful to them because they aren't worth being faithful to (in their minds). So if you are with them then you must be with someone else too. At least this is the pattern I have seen with my husband.

[maxsterling]

I definitely understand that, Cloudy Days.  The accusations aren't just absurd and annoying, they are insulting when they are accusing you of doing something that is so out of character for you.  I'm not someone who has ever cheated and hasn't "slept around", so getting those kind of accusations hurts.  In fact, most of my teens and early 20s, I was rather shy, and worked hard to be more outgoing, and I feel a little regret sometimes about not being more outgoing when I was younger.  Being accused of flirting or even being asked if I slept with female friends of mine is like throwing salt in an old wound. 

[Cipher13]

What gets me so mad about these kinds of things, is that I am not even a social person. Talking to a group of guys is not something I would have ever been comfortable doing ever.

I am liek this also. I a shy person that almost never initiates any conversation with stangers unless I am asking fo rdirections or have a question. Especially if female. You would think by listening to my wife that I am a player that can flurt like no other. The oposite is the case. I am not nor have ever been that type of going person. The fact is she knows this and was an issue with her for a long time while we were dating. She broke up with me weekly almost becasue I wasn't outgoing enough. Now ist like any female that walks by... . I must be having sex with her.

[rj47]

BPDw admitted yesterday that her biggest fear in life has been that I will leave. For 30-years she mercilessly beat me with the "your not worthy" message. About two years ago I started working less and turned into a fitness and health food junkie of sorts (it was either that or illegal drugs, SSRIs and alcohol). She started accusing me of looking better for the younger women I was (supposedly) playing with on the side. I had no idea how a healthy change to my lifestyle could affect her abandonment issues. She claimed it was ego and vanity at work. But, in hindsight it probably was motivated by fear.

I just posted elsewhere that she recently increased her womanizing accusations every few days as a result of her infidelity six months ago with an utterly inappropriate guy that she is at a loss to rationalize (other than I drove her to it). As she puts it; now I have an excuse to start having sex with those young women. It was her second bite at that apple of temptation (she claims the first time didn't count as they never had physical contact) and I do have good reason to cheat... . but I won't.

They sometimes can rationalize that their bad behavior has consequences. Apparently, I am worthy after all and she's worried that another woman will get "the best of me" after all her suffering now that I've turned into a decent man. Maybe I'm a little wiser and long suffering at 56, but I'm no different than before her affair.

So, after 30-years together (and two sessions with a T that I forced) she admits she's terrified that I will leave. It makes sense that the frequency and depth of the episodes have increased. Her fear escalated dramatically after the affair based on her expectation that she has it coming.

BUT, WE KNEW THAT ABOUT THEM ALREADY... . RIGHT?

The wealth of resources into what drives them is here and everywhere we else we look. There are so many tools at our disposal that we could spend years learning to employ them... . but generally don't. Yet its "nons" that mostly spend years being manipulated by the BPD. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was one of those people for almost 30 years.

For 29-1/2 years I never once threatened to leave. Now I keep several changes of clothing in the trunk of my car. I'm forcefully engaging her rather than run unless her fists show; which is when I head for the car. She'll threaten to kill herself or destroy the house if I leave... . but I'm done. She almost always flips to reconciling, looking for sympathy and eventual apology for the behavior.

I hate the emotional manipulation, but am also sorry I didn't exploit the abandonment fear long ago. Isn't it deception of a different kind when we employ coping mechanisms for calming the beast in them? I love her. But, the tragedy is that after 29-years of enduring a darkness that I could not manage; I may have to abandon her if she does not make substantive and lasting progress at conquering her demons.

[Wrongturn1]

Apparently, I am worthy after all and she's worried that another woman will get "the best of me" after all her suffering now that I've turned into a decent man.

Bingo.  My uBPDw oftentimes worries that she's dying of cancer, the plague, etc., then flies into a fit of jealousy, thinking of what a great husband I will be for my next wife after she's gone.    And she's wrong on every level here.  She's not dying (unless she commits suicide, which she talks about occasionally); and if she were gone, there is no way I would ever get married again.    

[maxsterling]

Wrongturn - that reminds me of something similar my girlfriend says.  She says all her ex boyfriends married and had children with the woman they dated immediately after her.  And she thinks I am going to do the same.  Not a chance.  If/when this relationship ends, I am going to be scared to death to get into another serious relationship again.  I certainly won't give up my living space again for a long time, and by the time I feel I can trust a partner again to be stable, and will be willing to move in together or marry, I'll be in my min 40s.  And I don't want to be parenting a high school kid when I am 60.  the week after this relationship is over, I'm heading to the vasectomy clinic.  heck, I may even do that now because I am 99.9% sure I don't want to have a child with an unstable BPD woman.

[rj47]

Wrongturn. She's advised several times that a reason for staying alive is to deny the next woman all the best she knows I could give to the right person but that she deserves... . as if I had no choice in the matter. The disconnect they employ to deny and redefine reality to fit their emotional state is utterly baffling. I've been devoted and in love with her for 30-years. Always will be, even from a distance if that's where it goes.

Maxsterling.  I suspect your GF could be telling the truth about ex's for the simple reason that the next "normal" person they enter into relationship with appears to be a just and caring goddess in comparison. And, they have been conditioned well to deny themselves, never offend and do almost anything to please this beautiful creature that accepts them as is.

I had a friend for several years that was also married and in an open relationship. They knew us both well and watched me interact with my wife on many occasions; complimenting, encouraging and protecting her (she's uncomfortable in social situations). My friend would express dismay at the lengths I engaged in providing for my wife and willingness to endure her open criticisms. She was the first ever to remark at how nervous was around my wife after getting to know me one on one. It was the closest friendship I ever had outside the r/s with my wife. I ended the friendship with her when she began to press for intimacy and floated the idea of a possible future together. She wanted to "rescue me" suggesting any woman that got to know me would give the best she was capable of. She would joke that my wife had trained me well. In hindsight, it was not funny but she was probably right.

I think many long-term non-BPD SO's are capable of great love and compassion (maybe more so than most people) based on the lengths some of us are willing to go to please our SO's. It doesn't mean we don't have baggage of our own. Assuming we leave the drama and the accumulated baggage behind; I expect it might help to make us amazing partners in the future. I also think that our BPD-SOs know that much more than we do.

[SimplySeattle]

Yes. They have a strange perception problem. Mine would be suspicious if I went for the unshaven look and drove to town while she was at work. I also saw her going through my car while I was in the gas station paying for gas. She was looking up constantly see to see when I was going to come out while at the same time feeling under the seat, the side of the seat, and looking in the glove box. If I talked with other women at church, she would make sure to come up next to me and hold my arm.

She also told me that she never wanted me to leave and wanted assurance that we would always be together. The strange thing is when I would go home after the weekend, she would not reach out and call me or check up on me. It was out of sight, out of mind.