what's wrong with me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday was another day where I felt there was no way the status quo of the relationship could last.  I had my mind made up to start being more open with her about the way I felt, and not worrying about her threatening suicide or raging.   Of course, I will be respectful, but I thought and thought and thought about how to do this.  I decided that when she asks me those "I need validation" questions that I need to be more brutally honest, and let her know I am worried, and to set boundaries and say such negative language hurts me.  I've thought this through in my mind, prepared myself for potential outbursts, thought about escape possibilities in the case of a full blown rage... .

All day yesterday I felt frustrated, knowing I would come home and the house would be a mess, the dishes piled in the sink, the garbage overflowing, and I would have to do it all, and then have no time to do anything else.  It's not that I want her to cook and clean for me - I just want her to take care of herself and help me out with the shared responsibilities.  And I was ready to bring this up to her somehow.  It's frustrating, and really starting to get to me. 

And then yesterday she had a pretty good day where she was actually out of the house for most of it.  But before bed, the self hatred talk resumed.  She has clothes that are now too small for her that are stacked on the bedroom floor.  And laundry she did yesterday that needed folding.  Frankly, I don't care so long as she doesn't come down on me for the same thing (like she used to).  And then she said, "Are you annoyed with me sometimes?"  I asked her to elaborate, "for leaving piles of clothes and being messy."

Here, I had a perfect opening.  And what did I say? "No, but I do get frustrated and worried." 

What's wrong with me?  I really should have used that opportunity to try and set a boundary.  I'm not sure why I didn't.  Maybe because I really am frustrated and not annoyed.  Or maybe because I would feel like I am telling her something she already knows?

I actually feel quite bad for her.  it's so hard to watch her be so unhappy, when so much good is happening.    Maybe I am just not ready to get tough right now.

[maxsterling]

Yesterday was another day where I felt there was no way the status quo of the relationship could last.  I had my mind made up to start being more open with her about the way I felt, and not worrying about her threatening suicide or raging.   Of course, I will be respectful, but I thought and thought and thought about how to do this.  I decided that when she asks me those "I need validation" questions that I need to be more brutally honest, and let her know I am worried, and to set boundaries and say such negative language hurts me.  I've thought this through in my mind, prepared myself for potential outbursts, thought about escape possibilities in the case of a full blown rage... .

All day yesterday I felt frustrated, knowing I would come home and the house would be a mess, the dishes piled in the sink, the garbage overflowing, and I would have to do it all, and then have no time to do anything else.  It's not that I want her to cook and clean for me - I just want her to take care of herself and help me out with the shared responsibilities.  And I was ready to bring this up to her somehow.  It's frustrating, and really starting to get to me. 

And then yesterday she had a pretty good day where she was actually out of the house for most of it.  But before bed, the self hatred talk resumed.  She has clothes that are now too small for her that are stacked on the bedroom floor.  And laundry she did yesterday that needed folding.  Frankly, I don't care so long as she doesn't come down on me for the same thing (like she used to).  And then she said, "Are you annoyed with me sometimes?"  I asked her to elaborate, "for leaving piles of clothes and being messy."

Here, I had a perfect opening.  And what did I say? "No, but I do get frustrated and worried." 

What's wrong with me?  I really should have used that opportunity to try and set a boundary.  I'm not sure why I didn't.  Maybe because I really am frustrated and not annoyed.  Or maybe because I would feel like I am telling her something she already knows?

I actually feel quite bad for her.  it's so hard to watch her be so unhappy, when so much good is happening.    Maybe I am just not ready to get tough right now.

[Waddams]

I found it helpful with uBPDxgf and even now with uBi/BPDxw to learn to focus on the behaviors and not the person.  Instead of "Yes I'm annoyed with you" it's "I'm annoyed with <<and phrase it as an object that is clearly differentiated from her>>".  For example, "the clothes on the floor annoy me.".  "The mess in the kitchen annoys me."  "I'd like to have more time to unwind each night after work and have quality time with you instead of constantly doing all the chores on my own.  The high workload annoys me."

Now, usually, there was a leap in their minds that went "I did that/left that there/made that mess and then didn't clean up after myself... . so he must be annoyed with me." and there was some kind of typical BPD reaction.  But I wouldn't rise and take the bait, and instead just keep focusing on the object instead.  "No, I don't feel anything bad towards you.  I just am tired and would like this mess to be cleaned up and not accumulate so much either before it's cleaned up."  Eventually, sometimes days/weeks/months later, the defensiveness stops and an improvement is made.  Particularly when you tie the change to how it will benefit them and it's demonstrated and proven as time moves forward.

[Clearmind]

I actually feel quite bad for her.  it's so hard to watch her be so unhappy, when so much good is happening.    Maybe I am just not ready to get tough right now.

Feeling bad for her is showing pity. She is an adult and shared responsibility is part of being married, being a couple and living together.

Have you discussed household chores etc, using S.E.T?

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth