Ever watch you BPD devolve via text or email right in front of you.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So this morning my wife sends a text. I am not able to get to it while I was working... . So ever have that moment when you know if you don't reply its goingto get bad?... . Well I have had enough and I wanted to see what happens if I do not give in and reply at her demand... .

I could see and follow her delolving with each text she sent begging for a reply. I also saw this iin person once when I decided inthe car I was not going to talk to her if she contiued to yell. WOW is that a pitiful and sorrowful sight. I actually started to feel bad for her. I had never seen a grown up turn into a child like that before my eyes. Rages and acting out but this was a new level.

Its hard to watch. :'(

[Cipher13]

So this morning my wife sends a text. I am not able to get to it while I was working... . So ever have that moment when you know if you don't reply its goingto get bad?... . Well I have had enough and I wanted to see what happens if I do not give in and reply at her demand... .

I could see and follow her delolving with each text she sent begging for a reply. I also saw this iin person once when I decided inthe car I was not going to talk to her if she contiued to yell. WOW is that a pitiful and sorrowful sight. I actually started to feel bad for her. I had never seen a grown up turn into a child like that before my eyes. Rages and acting out but this was a new level.

Its hard to watch. :'(

[Seneca]

Yup, all the time. 

[Wrongturn1]

I'm sure it has been/will be quite a meltdown from her.  The reason they melt down if they do not receive an immediate reply seems to be that BPDs tend to interpret neutral feedback as negative feedback, so if you are slow to respond via text, or even have a blank expression on your face when you speak with her in person, she will interpret that as negative and invalidating.  Keep us posted on how things go today.

[maxsterling]

Well, in a way, you are my hero, because you are doing what I need to do.  Here is how I think it works in their brain.

She has a low self image and hates herself, thinks she is too fat, too ugly, and too damaged.  That means if she doesn't love herself, she doesn't understand how anyone else (meaning me) can. So, she assumes that deep down, I don't love her, and that means I will eventually leave her.  Her mind is made up.  That affects her behavior, so her time is consumed by looking for evidence that I really don't love her or want to be with someone else.  Any action I take she tries to interpret, and it gets interpreted through her already negative filter.  It could be not responding to a text message in a timely manner.  It could be me taking too long in the shower.  It could be me wanting to spend time with a friend.  To her, all of those feed into her idea that I don't like her and want to leave her.  The latest (last night) is that I don't want her to watch the superbowl with me.  It's true.  Why?  Well, she constantly makes comments about how she hates football.  And she said she had other plans during the game time.   And last night she said that she now wants to watch the game with me.  And because I am not wild about that idea, she assumes it is because I don't like her or want to be with her.  So now she has that in her mind, and last night when we were watching TV, I was paying attention to the TV and not looking at her, and she remarked, "you aren't interested in me."

[Cipher13]

Home run max. (Or touchdown! being that its superbowl week)

I tend to be a person that if watching tv and I am sucked into something at the moment has my complete attention. I can feel her finger tapping me on the shoulder and I will get to what she wants but I am focused on the TV for that few seconds. She thinks I'm ignoring. Truth is she is just next in line and its not her turn for my complete attention. Don't get em wrong if it were important then my attentions would change quicker. But she only wants me to look at a picture of a puppy on her phone.

That starts an argument faster than forgetting to fill up a water bottle for her lunch in the morning.


I get they can't process or handle a lot of normal or what we cal normal stuff but this whole  needing to matain some sort of continuous contact is too much. She has gotten me to make sure I have my cell phone with me every where I go... . I mean everywhere. If I have to use  the bathroom and she isn't home I grab the phone and bring it with me. Sad or scary thing is I didn't know I was doing this until I saw a youtube video that described a similar situation. I was like "Holy cow. I do that to. Thats not good."

[AllisG]

So this morning my wife sends a text. I am not able to get to it while I was working... . So ever have that moment when you know if you don't reply its goingto get bad?... . Well I have had enough and I wanted to see what happens if I do not give in and reply at her demand... .

I could see and follow her delolving with each text she sent begging for a reply. I also saw this iin person once when I decided inthe car I was not going to talk to her if she contiued to yell. WOW is that a pitiful and sorrowful sight. I actually started to feel bad for her. I had never seen a grown up turn into a child like that before my eyes. Rages and acting out but this was a new level.

Its hard to watch. :'(

Every.Single.Day

[AllisG]

This actually happened this evening. 

He was working late.  I went to my mom's for a dinner with their old friends that went late into the evening.

He text me at one point that he loved me and I responded that I loved him too.  My battery was low so I put my phone on the charger in my parents' office, and I missed a text.  When I finally did reply I got a major guilt trip. Total meltdown.  He feels he's not important and now says I can contact him when I'm finished spending time with the 'important people in my life'

[unicorn2014]

I get they can't process or handle a lot of normal or what we cal normal stuff but this whole  needing to matain some sort of continuous contact is too much. She has gotten me to make sure I have my cell phone with me every where I go... . I mean everywhere. If I have to use  the bathroom and she isn't home I grab the phone and bring it with me. Sad or scary thing is I didn't know I was doing this until I saw a youtube video that described a similar situation. I was like "Holy cow. I do that to. Thats not good."

I'm interested in this video, do you have a link? This is very helpful info. Thank you.

[unicorn2014]

Wow, thanks for this. Yes I've seen this. I've learned to start reviewing the texts after it happened and my goal for myself the next time it happens is not respond to the first abusive text. I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff!

[Clearmind]

Yep, replying when not convenient for you is OK.

What can you do Cipher13? What tools are available to you to handle this situation?

[Cipher13]

Clearmind

I am not following? I have been sesarching for everythign realted to BPD inthe way of information to understand it. However my struggle is not with understanding. I think I am good at that part. The part that I struggle is indealing with her. In every sense of the word. I give in to everything almost. I avoid anything that would be in conflict with her and how she is feeling or will feel. She is near hell bent on leaving where we live and have us move to a new state.  She has been looking for jobs and houses. Jobs pay about what we make now and houses are 40 to 50% more.  I told here I'm not moving to just leave to be poor someplace else.

I don't wan tot leave at all. Yet I have backed down and she keeps asking me if I'm on board. Truthfully no I'm not at all. I keep hoping for somethign to make this fail or allow us to stay here. I know in the end I should be that thing. I can't find thestrength to do it. I know it will create a huge issue. She even said it will.

[Waddams]

So Cipher - is it possible that your biggest problem at this point has gotten to be yourself?

What I mean is are you still focusing your mental energies on trying to understand her so you can somehow influence a change in her?  As opposed to focusing on influencing a change in yourself?

I keep hoping for somethign to make this fail or allow us to stay here.

Hoping for something to rescue you from your own predicament and allow you to avoid a confrontation with her?  That conflict avoidance is the exact thing that keeps you stuck where you are.

I can't find thestrength to do it. I know it will create a huge issue. She even said it will.

So she's basically said "Cipher, don't you make trouble for me or I'll make you sorry you did."  She can only do that if you let her.  You always have the option to LEAVE.  She can't do it if you aren't around her.

She isn't going to change.  Why should she?  She's in charge.  Why should she give that up?  The only person you can change is you.  You can change your circumstances and let her react how she will.  You have to let go of trying to influence her.  You have to accept her for who she is, who she is not, and accept that she will behave as she does.  Then you set up your own boundaries to protect yourself from her disordered behavior. 

I'm sure there are many fine and wonderful things about her.  You wouldn't be with her if there were not.  But if aspects of her are hurting you, you have a responsibility to yourself to protect yourself too.  Loving someone doesn't mean you have to let them hurt you.  Nobody else is going to protect you from her, and she's not going to protect you from her.  Only can do it, and it won't happen until you find the strength to do it within yourself.  A funny thing will happen when you do.  You'll realize you could have done it all along.

[Cipher13]

What I mean is are you still focusing your mental energies on trying to understand her so you can somehow influence a change in her?  As opposed to focusing on influencing a change in yourself?

To answer you a resounding YES!

You must be the litt voice in my head. Its saying alot of the very same things. Then the other voice " You can't do this to her and leave her. She will destroy you or at least attempt it." 

[Waddams]

You must be the litt voice in my head. Its saying alot of the very same things. Then the other voice " You can't do this to her and leave her. She will destroy you or at least attempt it."

Is she really that powerful?  Consider this in a practical kind of way vs. emotional.  My uBPDxgf tried to create all kinds of drama when her and I broke up.  And she had tried to intimidate me leading up to that.  Various versions of "If you don't comply, I'll do this, that or the other to you" sort of things.  And she tried.  She tried to do everything she threatened and tried to convince me that she had the power to actually do.  However, she fell flat on her face, and couldn't actually do any of it.  She really thought she could hurt me at work, get my custody taken away, get family and friends to turn against me, etc. 

She tried to start trouble at work.  The company promptly told her to get lost or she'd face legal consequences for harassing and/or trespassing at the company's work place.

She tried to ally with my ex-wife to help my ex-wife take away my 50/50 custody.  That went absolutely nowhere.  Eventually my ex-wife told her to go away and stay away.

She called my friends, family, etc. on the phone, sent emails, FB messages, all kinds of drama.  Every one of them blocked her, and it created a rather large wave of support for me when they all realized what she was trying to do.

She also couldn't feed or take care of her own kids.  I sent a brief msg to her XH that the boys were in trouble, or soon would be, because their mom was spending all the unemployment she got on booze and xanax, and the boys would be starving if they weren't already.  I know they got the free PB&J sandwich at school lunch for the daily food for a while,and nothing else.  XH had his local mother swing by uBPDxgf's apartment, found deplorable conditions.  DFCS showed up, promptly took the boys away, they were put into her XH's custody on the opposite side of the country.  She was so focused on her campaign against me and drinking and what not that she literally couldn't function and take care of her kids.  Her extinction burst at me literally destroyed her own life.

In the end, she had no power over anyone, except herself.  Just like the rest of us.  And the power she exercised over herself destroyed her and nobody else.

Getting the strength to leave means accepting drama is coming, and not knowing how you will get through it.  It means accepting major uncertainty in your life for the immediate future.  But once you do it, and start the journey, you realize it's okay and you'll be okay.  You just take it one day at a time, one hour or minute at a time sometimes, and you realize you have the ability to get through everything that is happening and you'll be okay.

[Love Is Not Enough]

" You can't do this to her and leave her. She will destroy you or at least attempt it."

She has already tried her hardest and you are still here. What else can she do to you?

Whatever she does to you WILL pass and one day you will have YOUR life back.

Like Waddams pointed out, whatever she does will likely backfire in her own face when people figure out what she is doing.

You have to listen to the little   on your shoulder sometimes 

[Cipher13]

I woke up again inthe middle of the night with my mind racing. Happens alot. I'm not always sleeping the best.  I was thinking about telling her I need to have my family back in my life.  I serriously think this is what might cause this relationship to end. If it ends I want ot to be over somethign that can be considered positive rather than somethign I wouldn't be proud of later on.

I would rather just high tail it and run. But i have no palce to run to and I will have to live with the fact that I chickened out. I can't find any reason why I shouldn't do this with every reason why I should.  So that brings me to my question... . How? "Just do it!" Right?

Then if or better yet when it gets heated how do I leave the toxic situation? "Just leave" Right? Not looking forward to that. Maybe I should talk to the police first in advance... . I hope to get over being embarased first. Not sure how I can get the time to do that though. She controls about ever aspect of my life.   "Just do it"... .

[tiredndown]

Remember this... . Abuse THRIVES in private. Call your family, but I wouldn't suggest telling her what you are about to do. Take your time and create game plan and stick to it.

The ONLY way things will change is if YOU change them, DO NOT sit and wait for her to get better, she will suck the life out of you... . It takes two people to be in a healthy relationship. Get yourself healthy again and leave.

You are NOT chickening out, you are leaving an UNHEALTHY relationship. Healthy people don't make you feel this way, healthy people don't control you and YOU are not qualified and under no oblication to help her. You should not need to 'fix' your partner.

Follow this advice Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

I woke up again inthe middle of the night with my mind racing. Happens alot. I'm not always sleeping the best.  I was thinking about telling her I need to have my family back in my life.  I serriously think this is what might cause this relationship to end. If it ends I want ot to be over somethign that can be considered positive rather than somethign I wouldn't be proud of later on.

I would rather just high tail it and run. But i have no palce to run to and I will have to live with the fact that I chickened out. I can't find any reason why I shouldn't do this with every reason why I should.  So that brings me to my question... . How? "Just do it!" Right?

Then if or better yet when it gets heated how do I leave the toxic situation? "Just leave" Right? Not looking forward to that. Maybe I should talk to the police first in advance... . I hope to get over being embarased first. Not sure how I can get the time to do that though. She controls about ever aspect of my life.   "Just do it"... .

[lauren50]

Two of the events-that-happened-that-"prove"-I-don't-love-him involve me not responding to him. The one time was while I was at a bar visiting with a friend who lives across the country and I seldom see. Because I didn't answer, I must have been with god-knows-who doing god-knows-what. The other time was while I was visiting the same friend in her town, across the country. I didn't have service on my phone and frankly, didn't care to go out of my way to contact him, so I didn't. That's proof I don't love him, I guess. More like, proof I was tired of his crap and wanted to have a good time with my friend. I should have known better though, because it's been a couple years since the one event and almost a year since the other and I still hear about it on a regular basis.

[Grey Kitty]

I was thinking about telling her I need to have my family back in my life.

Putting your family back into your life absolutely is the right thing for you to do.

I agree with tiredndown--Telling her you will do this isn't going to help you.

When she finds out/notices/complains/whatever about your time/contact with your family, then you tell her.

All you need to say is that they are important to you, and you will be (seeing them, talking to them, whatever you chose, etc.) and it is not up for discussion with her.

If she persists in arguing/fighting/etc, just disengage. You don't have to convince her to agree with anything. Only that you have chosen to do this.

 "Just do it"... .

You said it!

Good luck!

 GK

[Cipher13]

I agree with tiredndown--Telling her you will do this isn't going to help you.

When she finds out/notices/complains/whatever about your time/contact with your family, then you tell her.

So I should just plan on it without saying anything then whe she says something I bring it up? How does that work any better than telling her?  So how do I respond to this?

I dont care. I hate my life and your the biggest reason why. . Then your behavior over the last year of going to your parents town without telling me your rude and hurtful words and actions that ensued on numerous occasions since that time and you expect me to believe that you love me? You are ignorant to even think I would. You tell me to tell you what I need from you to feel connected with you so I do and you DON'T do it for any length of time! I am sick of you and dealing with this. No amount of counseling will help this situation at all. You have ruined my life and continue to add stress to an already horrible situation that I am in everyday.

So many voices in my head are telling me to say the following "Since I ruine your life I will leave your life and everything will be so much better for you."  Then exit her life.

[tiredndown]

Cipher13 Check this out... . Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[Cipher13]

I resonded with Do you really think that if I am removed from your life that everything will be better? I don’t feel that way.   I then get back "And I really think your full of it. Counseling will not help it is a proven fact that you have not nor will ever do anything that the counselor tells you to do. I have no idea if I would be happier without you. I hate you and all that you have don to me. I hate how you talk to me and treat me. I hate how you would rather me go to sylvan everyday in misery and then treat me just as poorly when I get home. I hate you

Then i replay with I think counseling will help. I am on board with doing what it takes. Are you willing to do the same?

Her "I really don't know the answer to that.  I don't believe that you are "on board for doing what it takes".  I don't believe that you will do anything at all.  You say you will and then it will be how it always is where you do it for just a period of time and then we are back to the same old crap…you not doing what you say you will. I don't feel like I should have to do anything.  I am not the one who has done anything wrong to you.  I haven't disrespected you by doing behavior that caused anything.  I haven't caused any of this.  This is what you have created and what you have done and keep doing to me.  I am sick of dealing with this and what you have done to me.

So i responded with just "I love you"

Her "What the hell is that?  I write that entire thing and that is what you say to me…Whatever.

[tiredndown]

Yeah, I know exactly how those conversations go. Do you have children? If not Time to move on.

[Cipher13]

I have read that along with many other articles and watched many a video. Also several books. Been to some counseling. No kids thank the stars. We never staying in 1 place long enough to ever settle some place. I can't bring a kidn into this I woul dhate myslef for it. I am putting together my exit plan. Begining it today with a new bank account.

[GaGrl]

Her "I really don't know the answer to that.  I don't believe that you are "on board for doing what it takes".  I don't believe that you will do anything at all.  You say you will and then it will be how it always is where you do it for just a period of time and then we are back to the same old crap…you not doing what you say you will. I don't feel like I should have to do anything.  I am not the one who has done anything wrong to you.  I haven't disrespected you by doing behavior that caused anything.  I haven't caused any of this.  This is what you have created and what you have done and keep doing to me.  I am sick of dealing with this and what you have done to me.

This is a pretty amazing combination of projection (the first part) and classic PD thinking ( the last half).

When someone with a PD tells you the truth (the last half), believe what that person is saying.  She believes she has done nothing wrong.  She believes she has shown you no disrespct.  She believes she has caused none of "this." She believes YOU have created the situation you are in.  She states she hates you and she is sick of dealing with "this."

You might look at the Legal board for some very solid advice on how to line up your exit.  The bank account is a great place to start.  Do NOT let her see any documents from that set-up.  Keep it all in your office -- that appears to be a safe place.  Use your office address for everything, or set up a mail box at a UPS Store.  Start moving important papers (birth certificate, passport, SSN card, finanical records, car titles, etc.) to your office, even if it's one at a time.

You know she will change ther tune when she think you are relly leaving.  You might want to print what she texted, and paste it on your computer screen as a reminder of her Truth.

[guitarguy09]

I agree with tiredndown--Telling her you will do this isn't going to help you.

When she finds out/notices/complains/whatever about your time/contact with your family, then you tell her.

So I should just plan on it without saying anything then whe she says something I bring it up? How does that work any better than telling her?  So how do I respond to this?

I dont care. I hate my life and your the biggest reason why. . Then your behavior over the last year of going to your parents town without telling me your rude and hurtful words and actions that ensued on numerous occasions since that time and you expect me to believe that you love me? You are ignorant to even think I would. You tell me to tell you what I need from you to feel connected with you so I do and you DON'T do it for any length of time! I am sick of you and dealing with this. No amount of counseling will help this situation at all. You have ruined my life and continue to add stress to an already horrible situation that I am in everyday.

So many voices in my head are telling me to say the following "Since I ruine your life I will leave your life and everything will be so much better for you."  Then exit her life.

I can totally relate to seeing something like that from my uBPDw. On days where we have disagreements, the blame falls on me for not doing something that she wants me to (even though I have explained why I don't think it's good). I usually try not to respond to texts or conversations that are abusive in nature. I have found that it's usually not possible to avoid having an argument. So I stick to my best defense: hearing circus music inside my head while she yells and screams, and just responding as little as possible or not at all.

For your situation, if you are in a place where you can leave, it might just be the best thing. It doesn't sound like you are happy where you are.

[Waddams]

Might be worth a vacation day when she's at work to clean out all your important stuff.  and get copies of joint account statements, etc.  copies of her pay stubs to verify her income later.

On the legal board we can go through the items with you that are standardly needed.  If you don't get them before you go, good luck getting them from her later.

[Cipher13]

Start moving important papers (birth certificate, passport, SSN card, finanical records, car titles, etc.) to your office, even if it's one at a time.

You know she will change ther tune when she think you are relly leaving.  You might want to print what she texted, and paste it on your computer screen as a reminder of her Truth.

I have some things already at work. However my passport is in her purse. Not becasue I thought it was the safest place. But so she can keep tabs on it. The second I got it she took possesion of it.  As far as texts I try to lock the bad ones but its hard to save them all. However becasue I have asked her to email while at work I same them. Thats were this rant came from.

She has been very consitant in telling me that she believes nothing I say. No matter what unless she can physically see it. Thank you for the advice.

[Cipher13]

Waddams

Everything is online. Her paystubs our bank account. Why do I need ot verify her income? She is begging to quit her job.

[Surnia]

The thing with the passport is tough, like many things in your life, Cipher13. I am wondering if this is legal, keeping someone else's documents?