I want to die from pain from BPD spouse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have very little social engagement outside of the office--no real friends to speak of; but, I sure feel like I now have a lot of cyber friends.

yes this site was a great solace when i was in the wreckage - and i still am but maybe my head is above the wreckage now. i admire the posters who have been here longterm, that shows dedication to helping others.

[maxen]

I have very little social engagement outside of the office--no real friends to speak of; but, I sure feel like I now have a lot of cyber friends.

yes this site was a great solace when i was in the wreckage - and i still am but maybe my head is above the wreckage now. i admire the posters who have been here longterm, that shows dedication to helping others.

[hurthusband]

Thanks for all your help.

Saturday night went quite well.  We had dinner and talked, and went to bed.  No real incidences.  She didnt feel well so we skipped doing movie or anything, but that was fine.

Yesterday though...

  We woke up and everything was fine.  We were talking and getting along, then she asked me ":)o you want to have a child with me.  I know you have my two kids and they love you like a father, but I am 33 and we are running out of time"

What came to mind is that I do not know if each day one of us might kill ourselves, or if we can make it another day together, and she wants to know if we should have a child?  Our finances are in shambles right now on top of it all.

I tell her I love her more than anything, and I tell her "If things were in a better place sure, but I feel we need to work on our relationship first and get things in a better place.  I do not want to bring another child into this world and then us fall apart or it be too much on top of everything else.  I worry about the father I can be too. It has nothing to do with the type of parent I think you can be"

She says that she can only do one thing and parent, and I do not even believe in her to do that.  That I am constantly putting her down and making her feel low and incompetent.  Now that I should move out.

I do not feel that at all.  I feel she has so many good qualities, she just talks like I am a horrible person and our relationship is shot.  I do not want to put a child into that and make things harder between us.

Am I wrong?

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?  I will love the child no doubt, but I cannot say if either of us can make it alive another month much less stay together another month. 

I know a child isnt going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

What do i do?

[P.F.Change]

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?  I will love the child no doubt, but I cannot say if either of us can make it alive another month much less stay together another month. 

I know a child isnt going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

What do i do?

This is a very personal decision that none of us can make for you, hurthusband. It sounds like you are under immense stress right now, and it can be very difficult to make a quality decision under that much pressure. You have time to sort out what you want to do. There is nothing that has to be decided right away.

Since you seem to be wanting to work through some of the challenges you are facing in your relationship with your wife, I would encourage you to post on the [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner board. There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. Our senior members on that board are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. I think you will find the support you are looking for there.

I am glad you seem to be feeling a little better. Please do look out for yourself and keep in touch with your doctor. You have the hotline number we have given you as well. Your safety must come first.

PF

[hurthusband]

she just told me i ruined her life, and she wish she never married me.  That I forced her to do things that ruined her life... .


I want to work things out, but I do not think it is even possible anymore. 

[maxen]

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?  I will love the child no doubt, but I cannot say if either of us can make it alive another month much less stay together another month.  

I know a child isnt going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

What do i do?

p.f. change is right, hh, nobody here can make that decision, but at the least you should wait until you see better where your marriage and your own emotions are. however, having a child "so she feels worthwhile" isn't imho the right motivation. if she has BPD, nothing will leave her feeling worthwhile. speaking for myself, as the time approached to start a family i got colder and colder feet until i decided not to go through with it. my heart is broken and i know my stbxw is still very hurt, but i've been told by everyone to whom i mentioned it that that was the right decision. some have said that quite emphatically. please take time to take stock before going into something as life-changing as childrearing.

[hurthusband]

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?  I will love the child no doubt, but I cannot say if either of us can make it alive another month much less stay together another month.  

I know a child isnt going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

What do i do?

p.f. change is right, hh, nobody here can make that decision, but at the least you should wait until you see better where your marriage and your own emotions are. however, having a child "so she feels worthwhile" isn't imho the right motivation. if she has BPD, nothing will leave her feeling worthwhile. speaking for myself, as the time approached to start a family i got colder and colder feet until i decided not to go through with it. my heart is broken and i know my stbxw is still very hurt, but i've been told by everyone to whom i mentioned it that that was the right decision. some have said that quite emphatically. please take time to take stock before going into something as life-changing as childrearing.

in my heart, I know it is not the right time to do it.  everything rational says so, but she hates me so much for not having one... maybe I am being overly cautious.  My mind quesions everything now

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi hurthusband,

The answer to that is no, you should not have a child so she feels worthwhile.  That's a lot of responsibility and a lot to saddle on a baby.  Babies are HARD work.  I would say to her that you want to work on yourselves and your relationship before you bring a baby into the picture.  Children make even good relationships complicated and often times destroy bad relationships. 

How are you feeling today?  Any better?  Have you had a chance to look at our Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner board yet?

-crazed

[ForeverDad]

Should I have a child so she feels worthwhile?

I know a child isn't going to fix things, but she seems convinced.

This is a very personal decision that none of us can make for you, hurthusband. It sounds like you are under immense stress right now, and it can be very difficult to make a quality decision under that much pressure. You have time to sort out what you want to do. There is nothing that has to be decided right away.

As PF wrote, There is nothing that has to be decided right away.  I would add, especially having a child.  That is a Forever connection yet the legal issues during the first two decades to adulthood would probably be daunting and even more exhausting than you've already experienced.

I've been there, done that.  I had been married for over a decade.  When we finally figured it was time to allow a pregnancy, she never got pregnant.  So,thinking if she had a child she would be happier, seeing life though a child's eyes, I worked with her though a fertility clinic.  She quickly got pregnant soon after an HSG procedure.

After his birth my ex seemed not to be able to love us both, over the next couple years she pushed more and more out of her life and when no more family and friends were left I was the last to be shoved out.  In a way, she saw it as her and her child against the world.

This may not be your exact future if you have a child or children, but it is a likely pattern before you.

My conclusion, shared by many, is that Having Children does not solve problems, it only complicates them (due to many concerns not the least of which are the legal custody/parenting issues).  And it risks bringing an innocent new life into a potential world of high conflict.  And it risks still not fixing the current problems in the relationship.

So my suggestion is that while you're trying to decide whether the marriage even has a future, admittedly very iffy at the moment, put off any decision whether to have a child or children.  Now simply is not a good time.  Now is the time to get educated about these topics, learn skills and determine what your options are, not reducing your options.

in my heart, I know it is not the right time to do it.  everything rational says so, but she hates me so much for not having one... maybe I am being overly cautious.  My mind questions everything now

Are you sure she would love you if you do have children?  Or isn't it far more likely she would just proceed to find a myriad other things to still hate you for?

Been there, done that.  My ex too was so emotionally overwhelming and illogically convincing that I was in a constant state of confusion and inaction.  I found it so very hard to be objective and see my situation as others did.  Can you do that?  Can you imagine you're talking to a friend who has your exact same situation?  And he asks you what he should do?  What advice would you give him?  Hmm?  Ponder that.

She has other children, right?  How are their lives around her?  Bliss or chaotic?  Full of peace and calm or conflict and stress?  Do you really want to add more children into that situation?

I would say to her that you want to work on yourselves and your relationship before you bring a baby into the picture.  Children make even good relationships complicated and often times destroy bad relationships.

[gary seven]

she just told me i ruined her life, and she wish she never married me.  That I forced her to do things that ruined her life... .


I want to work things out, but I do not think it is even possible anymore. 

Hurt:

You have your answer, as many of us have learned the hard way , but find solace on this board.  Your weekend was so-so, and then it went to awful again, through no fault of your own.

Your need a therapist to help you see that you are not the disordered one.  In general, you can't call these folks "crazy," because no one would believe the impossible suffering they can cause a person like you, like me, like us to endure and absorb.

I got started late in life with kids, and I don't know what I would do without them.  They are all in elementary school.  My spouse has had this condition her whole life, I have only been along for the last decade or so, and my focus has been to save the kids.  Can't change the fact she is their Mom, ever.  Now it is time for me to save me.

In my opinion, and you need to think carefully in terms of your beliefs, her thinking that "having a child would solve all the problems between us" is a mistake.  I love my kids dearly, but I have  paid a price after the first child was born that only can be understood here by people like us. 

Keep posting, believe me, it's therapeutic.

[hurthusband]

Am I insane?

She says everything I do is crap?  I know I try my hardest...

She seems to believe it so whole heartedly.  She hates me.  I do not know what to believe?  What if I am the problem?

Why cant I just take her verbal abuse and not try and defend my actions or make things work, or do better?

Am I really doing all i can?  I think I am, but what if I am not?

I cannot even work, not just from depression, but because she constantly calls and is angry with me

Please Dear Lord help me... this is emotional torture

[MammaMia]

Hurthusband

You are forgetting one very important fact... . your wife is mentally ill.  She is looking for a reason to demean you and anything will do.  If you had said "yes", the result may have been exactly the same.

You need face-to-face, one-on-one support.  

Please get in touch with your therapist and see if he/she can help resolve these issues for you.  You keep saying you want to work things out with your dBPDw but it does not appear that she is cooperating.  It is her way or the highway.  Her vitriol towards you is a weapon meant to hurt and it is working.

Do not let her wear you down.  Can you take a break from the situation?  Even a day or two may help.

[an0ught]

  hurthusband,

Am I insane?

No, insane is harsh, black and white. But then you are not really feeling healthy either by your own account. A lot of our members are struggling with depression and stress related issues like anxiety or even PTSD.

Dealing with this continuous drama takes a toll  . But there are ways to cope more efficiently and get better. Check out the LESSONS on the staying board. They are a good starting point.

Am I really doing all i can?  I think I am, but what if I am not?

You certainly try and go to your limits. And no, you are not doing all you can. You are doing more!

Which is not really something to be proud off (but puts in good company to us co-dependents on this board  ) - overextending ourselves backfires as it burns us out.

Establishing what we can do and then sticking to our limits is key to stabilizing ourselves and the relationship. The staying board which you have already found can help you figuring out where to draw a line, how to hold it and how to deal with the inevitable fallout. It is tough to make these changes but then you know there need to be changes.

Hang in there  

,

a0

[ForeverDad]

She says everything I do is crap?  I know I try my hardest.

If your boss said that, yet never fired you, how soon would you be looking for another job?

If your friend(s) said that, how long would you hang out with them?

The point?  You have perspective and objectivity with at-arms-length relationships, but the relationship that is the closest to you is so much harder to deal with.

What if I am the problem?

Hmm... . Do you have ANY issues or conflict with other people?  Any?  Yes she does, right.  Well, that's your answer.  You both have issues, no one is perfect, but her

You've been in communication with a large number of members here, we've by necessity become very informed and perceptive due to our past or current relationships with disordered spouses or relatives.  Collectively we're no dummies.  We're not very gullible either.  Notice that no one, not one here, has pointed fingers at you as the one predominately at fault.  (To the contrary, your 'fault' seems to be that you enable her to cause more pain and suffering.)  So... . though we are remote, trust us, stop questioning your own reality, that's playing into her hands, that's keeping you off balance.

Why cant I just take her verbal abuse and not try and defend my actions or make things work, or do better?

You'd have to be like her in order to withstand unfazed what's she's done and is doing.  And you really don't want to be like an abuser, right?

And eventually you'll realize that defending yourself to someone who isn't listening doesn't make a difference to her.  Sadly, a person with BPD or some other acting-out PD seems drawn to the conflict, even feeds on it.  Did you stop to think that she prefers it this way, her dictating and setting ever-changing terms and conditions and you in effect appeasing while trying to comply with the ever-changing rules and demands?

Please Dear Lord help me... this is emotional torture

Yes it is, isn't it?  Sometimes we use a phrase here - Emotional Terrorist.  Fits, doesn't it?  Distance and time will help.  Besides support, distance and time.

[sydneybob1]

hurthusband, I have been there. You would be amazed how many of us have been there. Husbands are being impacted by spouses with BPD to a much greater degree in the past ten years than they ever were before. I know what it feels like- you work hard, earn good money, support someone who can't process things in a logical way, she hates herself and lashes out at you and God forbid children see this or, worse, are impacted. I've had to deal with five suicide attempts in two years where my ex has said it's my fault.

It's easy to feel worthless and unloved. But that is only the opinion of a person who has serious issues that aren't being dealt with. You must remember that you are a good person- if you don't already know this, just think about all the times you were there for her and others. There is a core of solid goodness in you that can't be dissolved, no matter what she might say. Believe in yourself- it is possible. Avoid toxic encounters- instead, get together with people who appreciate you for who you are. And there are plenty out there.

You are not, I repeat not, to blame for her condition or for getting together with her in the first place. You just didn't know how bad it could be. This is where you come to find out that there are people who can help, whether through providing information or emotional support. You can always reach out- it's not bad or silly to ask for help- that's what they told us all those years ago in school. You can't do it alone- that's a fallacy. So you need some emotional support. You got it, hurthusband. Just keep the faith- it will get better. This comes from someone who hasn't seen his son in three years due to my ex's gameplaying with custody. And I pay every month and don't get to see my son. But I know things will turn around. Believe in karma- it will come around.

Everyone on this page supports you, hurthusband. You have a big extended family to fall back on.

sydneybob1