Is there alawys abuse in a relationship with a pwBPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know the definition of emotional abuse varies, and I know what is abuse to one person isn't abuse to another.  Some dismiss things as "normal" relationship squabbling, and some look at things as isolated abusive incidents in relation to stress or bad moods rather than an overall pattern.

But it is seeming to me that emotional manipulation is part of the package when it comes to pwBPD.  Same with using guilt trips, jealousy issues, projecting, blaming.  And all of that could be considered abusive. 

If the basic symptoms of BPD can be considered emotionally abusive, then are all relationships with pwBPD going to have some level of emotional abuse? 

I think thinking about this is part of my decision making process.  Clearly, earlier in this relationship she was abusing me - big time.  Physical abuse on a few occasions, name calling, sarcasm, blaming, criticism and manipulation.  But, it has lessened, either due to her treatment or my understanding and use of the skills I learned here.  There hasn't been physical abuse, name calling, or sarcasm in a few months.  There is still some minor blaming, but it is more indirect, and definitely still emotional manipulation.  From the months past, I am still on guard, and now the little things I still notice as if they are "warnings" that the larger abuse is still under the surface. 

Will this ever go away?  Right now, she is severely depressed and ultra-dependent on me.  Something makes me worry that if she starts feeling better about herself, the stronger abusive behavior may return.  And even if she gets on the right meds or goes through enough DBT, I still worry that the little abusive things will continue, simply because the behavior is ingrained in her brain.  Should I chose to stay in this relationship, is this something I will always have to contend with?

[maxsterling]

I know the definition of emotional abuse varies, and I know what is abuse to one person isn't abuse to another.  Some dismiss things as "normal" relationship squabbling, and some look at things as isolated abusive incidents in relation to stress or bad moods rather than an overall pattern.

But it is seeming to me that emotional manipulation is part of the package when it comes to pwBPD.  Same with using guilt trips, jealousy issues, projecting, blaming.  And all of that could be considered abusive. 

If the basic symptoms of BPD can be considered emotionally abusive, then are all relationships with pwBPD going to have some level of emotional abuse? 

I think thinking about this is part of my decision making process.  Clearly, earlier in this relationship she was abusing me - big time.  Physical abuse on a few occasions, name calling, sarcasm, blaming, criticism and manipulation.  But, it has lessened, either due to her treatment or my understanding and use of the skills I learned here.  There hasn't been physical abuse, name calling, or sarcasm in a few months.  There is still some minor blaming, but it is more indirect, and definitely still emotional manipulation.  From the months past, I am still on guard, and now the little things I still notice as if they are "warnings" that the larger abuse is still under the surface. 

Will this ever go away?  Right now, she is severely depressed and ultra-dependent on me.  Something makes me worry that if she starts feeling better about herself, the stronger abusive behavior may return.  And even if she gets on the right meds or goes through enough DBT, I still worry that the little abusive things will continue, simply because the behavior is ingrained in her brain.  Should I chose to stay in this relationship, is this something I will always have to contend with?

[Seneca]

yes, she will always emotionally abuse you. you do not have to be a "victim" of it if you refuse to accept it, call her on it every time , and take measures to protect yourself. but the dynamic will always be there.

i've seen so many posts from you Max. I cannot judge your situation because I am not you, you have your own life and experiences that color your judgement and motivate your choices. But, as others have said, if i knew then what I know now, I would run from him. I cannot express to you what years of this treatment does to your self esteem, your hope, your beliefs, your perceptions of the opposite sex. It is ruinous. You have no children with this woman. You may FEEL responsible for her, but you are not. No matter how mentally ill she is, or broke, or hopeless - she is not your wife or your child... . you have no obligation to care for her if it is going to rob you of your sense of well being, safety, security, happiness, or purpose. Believe me, I would much rather cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life due to loneliness, than to allow myself to be treated this way for another moment.

What clinched it for me is, if I knew my daughter was in a relationship like mine, what would I tell her to do? I know you don't have a child, but perhaps there is a close niece or nephew, or younger sibling you can put in that role. I don't know about you, but I would feel like a failure as a mother if my child grew up and thought "this is all I am worth", and allowed herself to be ground into dust under someone's boot as I have.

here is a description about emotional abuse. do you find yourself in these statements? www.psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

[beachtalks]

Thanks to both of you for your posts.  I am currently "assessing" my marriage. 

I am wondering in my own relationship, do I really want to trade in the entire world and my entire life to pleasing my BPDpartner--which I've never been able to successfully accomplish anyway?  From what I've already experienced, I could spend my entire life with this man, trying to make him happy to my best abilities, and he might just give me the middle finger on my death bed someday... . because I was never able to properly please him. 

In fact, I KNOW I will never be able to please him.   

The thought of getting that middle finger after years of caretaking is blowing my mind right now. 

[AllisG]

Thanks for this post.

[Seneca]

Thanks to both of you for your posts.  I am currently "assessing" my marriage. 

I am wondering in my own relationship, do I really want to trade in the entire world and my entire life to pleasing my BPDpartner--which I've never been able to successfully accomplish anyway?  From what I've already experienced, I could spend my entire life with this man, trying to make him happy to my best abilities, and he might just give me the middle finger on my death bed someday... . because I was never able to properly please him. 

In fact, I KNOW I will never be able to please him.   

The thought of getting that middle finger after years of caretaking is blowing my mind right now. 

Thats the other one for me too, beach. My deathbed. I'll look back at those years i spent trying to heal someone with the force of my love, having utterly failed because it was an impossible task, never having experienced real reciprocal empathetic compassionate relationship with them in return. What could be sadder than all that wasted time?

[introuvable]

this is EXACTLY what i am struggling with right now. exactly.