Need advice on how to explain this to my pre-teen children

[dreamofpeace]

Hi. I recently posted in the new members forum. I am getting ready to end all contact with a pwBPD that I have been dating for about 9 months. I have a lot of fear and afraid of how obsessed this man is towards me and towards my children. He has spent a lot of time with them. They seemed to really like him too. I don't want to scare them or have them feeling afraid, but I need to figure out the best way to make it clear that they are not to go anywhere with him, etc. I wondered if anyone had some advice around this... . The guilt over involving my kids is probably going to be the toughest part for me to get over in this situation. Thanks for listening!

[Matt]

How old are they?

Just brainstorming... .

Consider talking first with the oldest child alone, so you can hear her concerns with no interruptions from the other kids.  Say it very simply and clearly, and don't go too far.  "Bill and I have been seeing each other for a while now, and he spent some time with you and the other kids.  But we won't be spending more time together - I decided that will be best - and he won't be here doing stuff with you and the other kids either.  If you see him sometime, you can wave and say hi, but don't go anywhere with him - he's not part of our family so you need to stay with whoever you're with and not go with someone else.  OK?  Can you remember that?"

See what she says - answer her questions - and then leave it alone.

Then do the same with each of the kids - quick, simple statement, and listen to their questions, and answer them, and then move on.

Usually I find the kids don't ask a lot of questions and they're usually very practical things, not too tough to answer.

[livednlearned]

"BF was mean to me and I didn't like that. I told him to stop and he couldn't, so I told him I couldn't be friends anymore."

"Nothing is going to change for us. We are a family and we're going to keep doing what we always do. But he won't be doing things with us anymore. If he ever asks you to go with him anywhere, you can tell him, 'My mom says no."

I agree with Matt -- keep it simple, and focus on them and what they care about. Telling them that he was mean to you and you asserted yourself is a great message to send your kids. They are going to model what you do in the years to come, and you'll be giving them permission to assert themselves when someone is being mean. And then reassure them that standing up to a bully does not interfere with who you are as a family.

If he starts to escalate and you are worried about him making a scene in front of the kids, you could tell them that he is acting very badly, and if he doesn't stop, you are going to call the police.

[Matt]

LnL and I are both using examples, but what's critical, I think, is to say your truth - what you believe is real - because that's what counts here (assuming your perceptions are usually pretty good and you're not prone to seeing things far from reality).

What I mean is, your own judgments about this guy, and the situation, are going to be based on way more experience than your kids, and more knowledge than any other adult has about this situation.  So if - as LnL's example says - if he really was mean to you, that's pretty important to deal with.

What is your truth?

What do the kids need to know?

What will each kid be able to understand?

How will each kid be affected?