Gifts to friends and family

[btechpc]

Something has really been bothering me the last couple of days, so I gotta vent it here and see if anyone else has had the same experience with this.

When my gf and I got together it was about 3 months later that it was my birthday. She didn't get me a card, gift or even make me a cake. Her excuse was that she didn't know what to get me. The relationship was new so I'm like whatever, kind of shook it off.

Fast forward 6 months to about Christmas. At this point I am supporting her financially as she is unemployed, paying her rent and giving her spending money (there is a thread with my whole backstory here as well) She goes crazy with the gifts, spending a ton of money showering gifts on her family (who treat her like crap) and buys me an obscene amount of stuff (like a room full!) but I shrug it off as her overcompensating due to her never having a good Christmas (so she says) and I just let her go with this.

So last week I pay off her credit card (for the millionth time) and suddenly it's racked up again. So instead of confronting her I do a little snooping. Turns out she bought her best friend a bracelet at Tiffany and Co. Her friend is a girl and they have had sex (including threesomes) in the past. They always call each other babe, say I love you and kinda just go over the top with it all. She lives on the other side of the country, so I'm kind of like whatever about it but I'm worried that she's being like this with this girl, almost like that's her fallback in the past. I've never met her before, but she sounds like she might have BPD too.

The short of it all is I guess that I'm hurt she is spending my money on her friends and family, even after I have Asked her soo many times to stop the spending. And it also hurts me that I never got a gift from her I didn't pay for, but if she gets money she's always spending it on herself or her friends and family like I'm dirt.

Is this common?

[Tyrwhitt]

It sounds as though you need to set boundaries, she is basically taking the p! I would consider lowering the limit on her card and say you have some financial things you personally have to deal with and need to make cutbacks. Resistance is likely to follow, but stand firm.

As for her buying you gifts, her actions may imply you're past her idealisation phase. That's a tough one, if so, the balance shifts to you give, she takes. Exhausting in the long term.

[Boisnix79]

BT, it sounds like along with many more of us here, you are struggling to set boundaries that are strong enough to hold under her pressure. I've found by reading here and by trial and error, that only boundaries that are enforceable and actionable are effective.

Also Whitt is right that you are now going to be giving non-stop, and a certain amount of what youre taling about is going to be common place in this type of relationship dynamic. You may think what you can do to protect yourself, and your finances, from a person with little respect for your boundaries (a child).

[unicorn2014]

That sounds very dubious and I'd weigh more on the leaving side. You're not her husband, you don't have to pay her rent or support her financially.

[btechpc]

I have such an issue setting boundaries, I try but always fail. Like what is wrong with me? I feel like a weak minded idiot that I can't grow a pair and stick to it.

[unicorn2014]

Don't beat yourself up. It's very hard to get out of a relationship with a person with BPD. Mine tried to commit suicide when I said I was reevaluating the relationship.

[empathic]

Sounds familiar. I've spent so much time and money on thinking up and buying gifts for her. Researching courses in different areas that I could surprise her with etc. Yet on many occasions I have ended up with nothing at all for my birthday and Christmas.

I couldn't really believe it at first, like - how can this be? Like the Christmas when I had three gifts for her, and she hadn't bought a single one for me. After I gave her the gifts she gave me a hand-written note saying that she'd buy me a gym card. A week later one of her friends had her birthday and my wife had gotten her a really nice gift. One birthday she'd grabbed some DVDs at the local supermarket for me, none of which I liked (which she should have known).

I'm suspecting that in her mind she thinks spending money on me is a "waste", especially if she thinks that I'm unsure about our r/s.

[GreenMango]

I have such an issue setting boundaries, I try but always fail. Like what is wrong with me? I feel like a weak minded idiot that I can't grow a pair and stick to it.

What's the part of boundaries you are struggling with?

[waverider]

Most likely trying to buy approval. She already has yours so doesn't need to buy it.

First step is to stop bank rolling her gifts.