Can I still save my marriage?

[hurthusband]

My wife blames me for her having an abortion.  She got pregnant about 5 days after she went into her first physically violent outburst on me and the worst things have ever been.  We found out 6 weeks later about it.  She asked me what to do.  I said that it is her choice that I would support anyway, and I would be there, and love her and the child.  She insisted on my input.  I told her that we were hanging on by a thread.  She had already talked about divorce, and our financial situation was not good and we already had two kids (well my step kids) one of which I view as my own.  I mean they are both my own, but one doesnt know his real dad.  We went ahead with the abortion which was traumatic due to the doctor stopping mid surgery and literally verbally assaulting my wife cause she grimaced in pain.

Since that time, my life went from a BPD story to a level 9 circle of Hell.  Physical, mental, verbal abuse constantly.  Complete fear of being at work or home cause at anytime she will call telling me how I have ruined her life.  It has been 9 months

She just graduated college with an art degree and does not want to do art nor teach now.  She now blames my mother and myself for encouraging her to do art since she hated English that she was studying at the time but loved art

She blames my mother and I for the house we live in cause a real estate agent my mother suggested (my mother is in the real estated) and we ended up getting a house, and getting one at last minute but with hiccups and our neighbors have been nightmares with the house having constant trouble.

She blames me cause she drives a 6 year old car with 100k miles (she drives over 20k miles a year)

I want to do better for us, but its only my income and her healthcare alone for BPD is $27k a year WITH insurance.  Is it my fault?

She wants another kid now, when she has no clue what she wants for her future, but she wants more.  She basically demands I get a raise or else, or find another job, but I am making close to 6 figures which isnt bad money. 

I do not know what to do... . she says I make her feel inadquate, but I do not feel she is at all.  I feel she is supremely talented and say it.  Last night she felt inadequate cause she slept whole day while it was my only day off and i did all the kids homework, cleaned house, cook, and did laundry, but I never got upset... I was just trying to help out

she doesnt want to be married to me, but she says she has no where to go, so she is going to basically stay and take it out on my constantly...  

What do i do?  Do I have a child even though it looks like we are doomed according to her and secretly I feel?  Do I quit my current job and go get another which may or maynot make as much because she feels I cannot get a raise anytime soon... it means I lose my business i started and it means I lose my family business that I will inherit...

I do not know what to do.  She says these things that I think and feel or say and I do not mean anything like that.  I feel insane.  I want the adrenaline in my heart to stop.  I want to stop feeling period

[Love Is Not Enough]

What do i do?  Do I have a child even though it looks like we are doomed according to her and secretly I feel? 

Absolutely NOT! Do not bring another innocent person into this situation. You are in a terrible place right now and I really feel for you. She is most likely upset with her decision and projecting her self-hatred onto you. She is in pain does not know what to do with it. So the most logical thing she can come up with is to have another child, but this will not fill the emptiness or stop the pain. The two children she has now do not fill this emptiness and the reality is that a 1000 more would not fill it.

I know how you feel right now and it is horrible. The stress is unbearable for anyone and you have to find a way to take care of yourself. Everything you have asked about involves meeting her needs. What about you and your needs? You have to stop worrying about her demands and accusations. If you know in your heart that you are doing the best that you can, then that is all that matters. You have to set boundaries for the abuse and remove yourself if she does not comply. This is the only way to ever get them to change their behavior. Stop arguing with her and her endless circular logic. You will never get anywhere with it. Everything in the world is NOT your fault! Take care of yourself by setting boundaries. Enforcing those boundaries will make you feel better. It has improved my situation greatly. Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon!

[hergestridge]

I guess you're kind of blinded by the fact that she's acting as if it's OK.

It's not OK. She doesn't take responsibilty for her situation at all.

My wife did exactly the same thing. I thought that when she asked me to marry her and have her baby she was serious about our relationship and was going to give it her all. But that was just me assuming. She never said that.

She said that couldn't stand me, thought that I abused her, that she wanted to marry me and have a kid.

THAT's what she was saying at the time. It doesn't make sense, but she things she say don't make sense.

If there is anything she can possibly blame you for in the future, she will.

I was VERY hesitant to have a baby. Luckily, I ended up being a very able parent, and she handed over a lot of responsibility to me. Perhaps you won't be so lucky. What if she decides she hates you runs away with the kid? And let me tell you one thing - you're going to LOVE the kid and cry rivers when you're away from the kid.

Don't experiment with babies. Please don't.

I lie sleepless every night thinking of my daughter growing up with a BPD mother. It's not going to be fun.