First dysregulation in awhile

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Things had been going better.  There has been extreme negative moodiness the past few months, but no full blown dysregulation.  But I could see this one coming.  I notice she gets in a bad mood if she knows I will be doing anything without her.  It may be working on the house, a doctor appointment, an out of town work trip, or in this case, me wanting to watch the super bowl.  I was going to go to a friends' house or a bar to watch it.  She was having a friend come over because she doesn't like football.  But a few days prior she told me she wanted to change plans and watch with me.  I told her "no".  First, she NEEDS to have her own friends and social life.  Second, she makes mean comments when I watch football because she does not like it.  third, I need time to myself.

The mood started in the morning.  First, she laid in bed looking up engagement rings on the internet.  Then she printed out a page to show me, and told me to just keep it "just in case".  She was a little upset that I wasn't fully interested in that conversation topic.  it got worse when she was in the shower.  She came out telling me how she felt short of breath in the shower and that she thinks something is seriously wrong with her.  This turned into that she needs to see a doctor and needs to buy health insurance because the Medicaid hasn't approved her yet.  And this turned into that I am to blame because I won't marry her so that she can get on my health insurance.  I replied by saying that financially, we would be better off if she got Medicaid.  That is true, but I realize now that is probably a JADE, and I should have said, "I will not marry you just so you can get health insurance - that is your responsibility to take care of yourself."  that would have set a boundary, and brought out a rage, but at least she would know how I feel.

things slowly escalated throughout the day, with her wanting me to entertain her, her telling me that she is in a bad mood, her explaining that noting works in her life, and that she feels like she is just waiting and waiting.  She's waiting for me, says it feels like our relationship isn't progressing.  She feels like she is waiting for services, waiting for health care.  Then later she told me she has a lot of "regret".  She said "I was really mean to you when I first came here".  I replied, "yes you were," to which she actually said "I'm sorry".  I thought this was progress!

But an hour or so later, about an hour before game time, the wheels fell off.  The tears, the blaming, the invalidation.  She just loves to talk about what I am feeling:  "you don't even think about marriage!"  Umm, yes I do, all the time.  Anyway, it got uglier than it has been in a long time, her talking about wanting to die, her invalidating and verbally abusing me.   At one point she said, "You don't even want to think about having a baby.  You won't even have sex with me without a condom!"  Ouch.  guess what?  I'm not sure if I want to have sex with her at all now.

I think I handled myself better this time.  She asked why I am not giving her hope.  I replied that it is not mine to give, and there is nothing I can say to give her hope.  I told her I can't giver her concrete days when we will get married or have a kid.  And she blamed me for her bad mood and her depression.  I told her that I would love to discuss those things with her but only when she is prepared to discuss them calmly.  At one point she was just being so invalidating, I told her I was going to just leave the conversation.  She screamed "I don't want to talk to you anymore,"  and then threw a book that was on the coffee table on the floor.  I went outside, prepared to leave for my friends' house, and then she came out side and said she wanted me to come back in.  So, I did (I shouldn't have - I should have kept that boundary), but she was calmer, and we talked for another 10 minutes or so.  Then her friend came, and I left.

When I got home, she was in the bathtub, and she was quite sad.  She said she was sorry.  I think she was more sorry for scaring me with the negative talk, because then she started off my saying she did not want a ring or an expensive wedding, just wanted to be with me.  So I guess she was not apologizing for her hurtful words.   And I was good to not accept any blame this time for things I did not cause.  I did not instinctively apologize for anything in return, as I have done in the past.

I don't know where this leaves me this morning, but I feel it is time to do something. 

[maxsterling]

Things had been going better.  There has been extreme negative moodiness the past few months, but no full blown dysregulation.  But I could see this one coming.  I notice she gets in a bad mood if she knows I will be doing anything without her.  It may be working on the house, a doctor appointment, an out of town work trip, or in this case, me wanting to watch the super bowl.  I was going to go to a friends' house or a bar to watch it.  She was having a friend come over because she doesn't like football.  But a few days prior she told me she wanted to change plans and watch with me.  I told her "no".  First, she NEEDS to have her own friends and social life.  Second, she makes mean comments when I watch football because she does not like it.  third, I need time to myself.

The mood started in the morning.  First, she laid in bed looking up engagement rings on the internet.  Then she printed out a page to show me, and told me to just keep it "just in case".  She was a little upset that I wasn't fully interested in that conversation topic.  it got worse when she was in the shower.  She came out telling me how she felt short of breath in the shower and that she thinks something is seriously wrong with her.  This turned into that she needs to see a doctor and needs to buy health insurance because the Medicaid hasn't approved her yet.  And this turned into that I am to blame because I won't marry her so that she can get on my health insurance.  I replied by saying that financially, we would be better off if she got Medicaid.  That is true, but I realize now that is probably a JADE, and I should have said, "I will not marry you just so you can get health insurance - that is your responsibility to take care of yourself."  that would have set a boundary, and brought out a rage, but at least she would know how I feel.

things slowly escalated throughout the day, with her wanting me to entertain her, her telling me that she is in a bad mood, her explaining that noting works in her life, and that she feels like she is just waiting and waiting.  She's waiting for me, says it feels like our relationship isn't progressing.  She feels like she is waiting for services, waiting for health care.  Then later she told me she has a lot of "regret".  She said "I was really mean to you when I first came here".  I replied, "yes you were," to which she actually said "I'm sorry".  I thought this was progress!

But an hour or so later, about an hour before game time, the wheels fell off.  The tears, the blaming, the invalidation.  She just loves to talk about what I am feeling:  "you don't even think about marriage!"  Umm, yes I do, all the time.  Anyway, it got uglier than it has been in a long time, her talking about wanting to die, her invalidating and verbally abusing me.   At one point she said, "You don't even want to think about having a baby.  You won't even have sex with me without a condom!"  Ouch.  guess what?  I'm not sure if I want to have sex with her at all now.

I think I handled myself better this time.  She asked why I am not giving her hope.  I replied that it is not mine to give, and there is nothing I can say to give her hope.  I told her I can't giver her concrete days when we will get married or have a kid.  And she blamed me for her bad mood and her depression.  I told her that I would love to discuss those things with her but only when she is prepared to discuss them calmly.  At one point she was just being so invalidating, I told her I was going to just leave the conversation.  She screamed "I don't want to talk to you anymore,"  and then threw a book that was on the coffee table on the floor.  I went outside, prepared to leave for my friends' house, and then she came out side and said she wanted me to come back in.  So, I did (I shouldn't have - I should have kept that boundary), but she was calmer, and we talked for another 10 minutes or so.  Then her friend came, and I left.

When I got home, she was in the bathtub, and she was quite sad.  She said she was sorry.  I think she was more sorry for scaring me with the negative talk, because then she started off my saying she did not want a ring or an expensive wedding, just wanted to be with me.  So I guess she was not apologizing for her hurtful words.   And I was good to not accept any blame this time for things I did not cause.  I did not instinctively apologize for anything in return, as I have done in the past.

I don't know where this leaves me this morning, but I feel it is time to do something. 

[tiredndown]

Been there, Done that,  Lost myself in the process, took YEARS to get myself back.

My initial thoughts? RUN out of that relationship. I am 13+ years in with two wonderful children and I have come to that conclusion. I have told my son many times, Do not stay with ANYONE that tries to make you feel bad about yourself. YOU WILL START TO BELIEVE IT

You are with an emotional CHILD that you are not capable of fixing.

[Love Is Not Enough]

She just loves to talk about what I am feeling:  "you don't even think about marriage!"  Umm, yes I do, all the time.  Anyway, it got uglier than it has been in a long time, her talking about wanting to die, her invalidating and verbally abusing me.   At one point she said, "You don't even want to think about having a baby.  You won't even have sex with me without a condom!"  Ouch.  guess what?  I'm not sure if I want to have sex with her at all now.

Are you psychic? I think you just predicted my future! 

All kidding aside though, I think you handled it pretty well. Her just wanting you in the end is always their fallback though. Better to have something than nothing at all.  Of course you already know a ring and a baby would be but a drop in her bottomless bucket. You said it is time for something. Do you think you could take a break for a bit or go visit a friend that lives elsewhere? Might give you some space to gain some clarity.

[maxsterling]

LoveIs -

I'm at work today - I can barely concentrate.  I'm thinking of taking a sick day this week, and just spending the day out doing "me" stuff, and not telling her about it.  I wish I could tell her I just need time on my own for a few days, but knowing her, she will blow up and my emotional gas tank is already too empty to deal with that right now.  So, here I am, feeling like I need to lie to get some peace.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Don't beat yourself up about the lie. Unfortunately they do not leave us many options. As long as you are not doing anything directly harmful to the relationship then give yourself permission to take some YOU time.

[popeye6031]

Hey Maxsterling,

Sorry to hear about your current situation.

Funny, I am going through something similar this very day.  My fiancee is going on about how I will never marry her and do not want to marry her.

I told her truthfully that I am not prepared to get married unless our problems were sorted out.

I must say that when we got engaged, things got worse.  The abuse, sense of entitlement, accusations, demands and the need to know my every move all got more intense.

I was pressurised into the engagement, I will not be into marriage.

Do things at your own pace, do not be bullied into big decisions.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Max,

Been facing the same thing and honestly I'm a mess at work. My suggestion is to let your supervisor know of the situation, if that's possible, so that there isn't any misunderstanding about your absence. It's tough but don't give up. I have thought of throwing in the towel many times, but told myself to hang in there because our mind is making things even worse than it is. A time out is always good. If I may say, stay away from harmful substances (like alcohol) cause that will make it worse. I had tried taking long walks, focusing on the surroundings, food steps, breathing, and it did help keeping my mind away from negative thoughts at least for that moment.

LoveIs -

I'm at work today - I can barely concentrate.  I'm thinking of taking a sick day this week, and just spending the day out doing "me" stuff, and not telling her about it.  I wish I could tell her I just need time on my own for a few days, but knowing her, she will blow up and my emotional gas tank is already too empty to deal with that right now.  So, here I am, feeling like I need to lie to get some peace.

[ugghh]

Max

I was married for 25 years to a similar woman - separated starting divorce now.  The fact that you feel the need to take a day off to do "me" stuff is a huge red flag.  My stbx nagged me for years about incomplete projects, yet every time I would start working she would pull the waif act about needing time together.  Or even worse she would refuse to support by doing the basics such feeding the kids dinner.  So I would be constantly interrupted.

In one breath she would say "go do something for yourself or with your friends" but whenever I did she would find some excuse start calling me within an hour of when I left.

My stbx also loved telling me what I was feeling. She even claimed she was as well trained as a professional counselor because she had her masters in teaching and had therefore had a few classes. . Even as we have separated she continues to tell me how angry and bitter i am.  I don't bother telling her how peaceful my life has become.

For what it's worth, i would submit that if you feel the need to  take action, jumping in deeper may not be the best option.

[tiredndown]

I was married for 25 years to a similar woman - separated starting divorce now.  The fact that you feel the need to take a day off to do "me" stuff is a huge red flag.

^ This is what you need to read. I can tell you from experience things will only get worse after you are married, and even worse after you have children. My suggestion would be to read the divorce \ alimony laws in your state before continuing this relationship.

[maxsterling]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. 

Yesterday afternoon I went to T.  And sitting and talking to T helped clarify things.  T reminded me once again to look at myself and take care of myself, and reminded me that this relationship is not giving me the things I want or need.  It's not giving me emotional support.  It's making me feel on edge, and making me unhappy.  I left thinking that this is inevitably the beginning of the end.  That I need to start doing for myself and not worrying about her.  that I need to start working towards exit plans.  That I need to start setting firm boundaries about things like marriage and sex and having a child, and let her rage or make threats against herself if she wants to.  I need to start thinking about what gives me immediate relief and not about what it means long-term.  I really have no other choice.  I left the T office thinking that I need to go home that night and at least try and set/enforce one small boundary to let me know that I can do it.  But then I decided I should wait a night and focus on myself unless something comes up.  And then I realized telling her that I am going to do something by myself is setting a small boundary.

She spent the day with her AA sponsor - about 5 hours.  And when I came home, she was watching TV.  The dishes still weren't done, the house was still a mess, and the trash hadn't been taken out, and it was 6:30, and she had not taken steps to eat dinner for herself or even decide what to eat.  I assumed this would be the typical situation, where she immediately asks what we should eat for dinner and apologizes for the kitchen being a mess.  And I was prepared to say, "I know you have a difficult time feeling motivated, but I would have more time to spend with you if you could just take care of some of these tasks."

But she didn't act so helpless and miserable.  She was in a better mood.  She helped make dinner and didn't complain about it. And as dinner was cooking she said to me that what really matters to her is being with me, and that she needs to let go of things like marriage and having a child.  I sat mostly quiet and didn't respond, mainly because I didn't know what to think or whether to trust it, but also I didn't want to risk any relative peace I would have that night. 

After that, I felt better, and I did my own things last night.  But this morning, I am not sure what to think, and somehow expect within a week or two she will be back to talking about children or marriage.  I'm guessing she and her sponsor talked about this, with her sponsor telling it to her straight that she risks losing me if she keeps up with these obsessions.   There was one change this morning - she was on the phone with the food stamp office, and she didn't somehow make me involved in that process, and when she got a little frustrated, she came close to saying "I feel like shooting myself" but instead caught herself and said "I feel like pulling my hair out."  Much better.

[tiredndown]

AND you are still considering marriage to this women? Why?