my boyfriend wont skype with me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I dont know who knows my story but for one thing Im starting to realize all of ours are pretty simuilar.

                                        I had a pretty nice converation with mine to day, after I ignored him for about a day and a half. I really started to get the feeling that he would have never pulled some of the things he did on me if he ever thought Id do the same to him. Like blocking and  silent treatments.  I tried to talk with him about taking resposibilty for his side of things in our fight, and all I got back was this snide answer where he felt he wouldnt want to waist his time. It really hurt me and so I decided the next time he writes me Im going to sit him out.  He wanted to know how I was and I ignored it a day and a night and half morning.   It was wierd because right after that he puts this banner on his page and  coudnt help ut to think it was manipulation.  

  https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/p403x403/417548_10151079541303293_1428041838_n.jpg

I dont know if this will come through or not.    We had a nice talk and finally I asked him if he would skype with me and he said no,  he said he still needed to heal,  and that he was a mess.   It still bothers me to this day , is he that soft? Is he that much of a <edited for language>?  excuse my french, I mean:  "Oh Brother!"   The main on slaught of the fight was on me! It seems to me I should be in emotional traction.  I did not hurt him to the exstent that he wants to think. Most of it is all in his mind. Its pathedic... .  He s pathedic.  I was nice to him anyways and told him to take all the time he needed.

                     I just kind of thought,  here he is telling me hes a mess. Is he admitting something?  He just admitted hes a mess.  He acts like I rolled over him with one of those cement flatteners,  and the truth is he was abusive! to me. and all I was doing was defending myself.  I dont mean to sound mean,  but What a baby! play acting his little show...   Hes got problems.   I have to accept this and  I am more and more everyday.  Its lonely... .  I have to be very gentle with him now, like now hes my little precious bird...  I can except that this is the was he is,  but Im not sure I can accept having him as boyfriend for the rest of life. Ill never get my needs met and I most likely will allways fel disssatified and lonely.  

[goingtostopthis]

I dont know who knows my story but for one thing Im starting to realize all of ours are pretty simuilar.

                                        I had a pretty nice converation with mine to day, after I ignored him for about a day and a half. I really started to get the feeling that he would have never pulled some of the things he did on me if he ever thought Id do the same to him. Like blocking and  silent treatments.  I tried to talk with him about taking resposibilty for his side of things in our fight, and all I got back was this snide answer where he felt he wouldnt want to waist his time. It really hurt me and so I decided the next time he writes me Im going to sit him out.  He wanted to know how I was and I ignored it a day and a night and half morning.   It was wierd because right after that he puts this banner on his page and  coudnt help ut to think it was manipulation.  

  https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/p403x403/417548_10151079541303293_1428041838_n.jpg

I dont know if this will come through or not.    We had a nice talk and finally I asked him if he would skype with me and he said no,  he said he still needed to heal,  and that he was a mess.   It still bothers me to this day , is he that soft? Is he that much of a <edited for language>?  excuse my french, I mean:  "Oh Brother!"   The main on slaught of the fight was on me! It seems to me I should be in emotional traction.  I did not hurt him to the exstent that he wants to think. Most of it is all in his mind. Its pathedic... .  He s pathedic.  I was nice to him anyways and told him to take all the time he needed.

                     I just kind of thought,  here he is telling me hes a mess. Is he admitting something?  He just admitted hes a mess.  He acts like I rolled over him with one of those cement flatteners,  and the truth is he was abusive! to me. and all I was doing was defending myself.  I dont mean to sound mean,  but What a baby! play acting his little show...   Hes got problems.   I have to accept this and  I am more and more everyday.  Its lonely... .  I have to be very gentle with him now, like now hes my little precious bird...  I can except that this is the was he is,  but Im not sure I can accept having him as boyfriend for the rest of life. Ill never get my needs met and I most likely will allways fel disssatified and lonely.  

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi goingtostopthis and 

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and hurt.  I remember having those fights with my husband in our early days.  He would say something nasty to me, I'd say something nasty back and he would swear revenge.  Then I would say you can't get revenge on me for getting revenge on you.  That just makes you wrong again. Then we'd have an hour long screaming match about who was getting revenge on who.  It was so crazy and surreal.  I never knew which direction was up. 

I understand how hard it is to be hurting and not ever get the satisfaction and healing power of an apology.  To have to take care of the person who hurt you is really hard.

The link is very interesting and has a really good point.  Stop pointing fingers and take responsibility.  I don't guess it matters who he has directed his message.  We all can probably take a look at ourselves. 

Have either of you had counseling?  Does he have a diagnosis/medication?  What kind of support system do you have?  I know how hard it is to deal with what you are going through.

Here are some links you may find helpful:


BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

We have a lot of members who can empathize with your situation.  Keep reading and learning.

-crazed

[goingtostopthis]

Crazed,    Thank you for your answer.

                      I have been doing more reading and have found some books which describe exactly how I have been feeling.  I think what worries me is that I trust his motives.  I get this feeling and it could be tottally ungrounded,  but I get this feeling that he doesnt want to Skype with me yet because he still wants me to feel responsible for his plight. And this is his way of longating this blame on me to make me feel as bad about myself as possible. He never came out and said it but I think he may as well have.  "I still need to heal.  Im a mess."    and Im not ready to skype because of you.  It makes me wonder if he's even really suffering at all. He isnt having any problem putting up pictures and articles on his facebook page, mean while chatting through the comments with his friends. all cheery and all. ? Im torn between  having sympathy for him because of his PD  or wondering if he isnt just being manipulatively mean?  Milking this thing of making me feel bad as long as he can.   It really hurts me.   Im afraid he really "is" a sick cookie. 

[unicorn2014]

Its never good to have sympathy for someone with a personality disorder. Educate yourself about it and decide what you want to do. It won't get better if he doesn't get treatment so you have to be the better person.

[goingtostopthis]

Well, I was wondering about that. I mean if they have a condition that they cant help then my first response has been to have sympathy for him and wanting to help him.   I made a huge mistake,  or maybe it wasnt,   I contacted his mother and told her how he has been acting and how this was not like him at all!  I told her he was depressed and was saying things like I wished I hadnt woken up this morning. I also told her that he was being abusive to me and was irrational by accusing me of things that have never happened.

                            She wrote back a one liner saying:  it seems like its the other way around.   Meaning his story had more credit to her then mine.   I thought I was in the twilight zone.   How could she not see this?  She's in her 80's so there you go and not all there herself.    I asked her not to tell him I wrote,  well   I think she did.   Its over now,its got to be.  I past a boundary where I shouldnt have gone. It did matter if it was my last chance to ever getting him help.

                       I did write him one last thing expressing my feelings about the false things he was saying about me. It was pretty good.  It was pretty strong. It was about him becoming a very small person because he would not admit the real truth of the situation between us. when for some reason I cant explain, I know he knows he hasnt been telling the truth. He isnt doing it for some sense of having control. I dont it really going to occur to him until maybe weeks from now what it was he really did.  He ended our relationship.      Hes so swept up in his head right now and only wants to see the effects of the hurt he can dish out with out really comprehending the reality of what hes really done.

[goingtostopthis]

This has all ready happened about 5 times.   I dont think I can take it happening again.  It funny because this is how he talks to me.   Hes tottally projected himself and this problem he has onto me.  and is treating me like I might very well treat him because what hes doing is in tolerable.  And he says this to me,   What you are doing is intolerable! I ask him , what am I doing,?  and this is where I get he vague answers that make no sense.  I think its useless, Hes in the UK and Im in the US.  In many respects I say Thank God! for that. Its just so sad because we really did become close and shared an awful lot of love with each other. I miss him,  and keep wishing that maybe by some chance he'll get help, get himself together and apologize to me like never before.  You know or maybe someday he'll just snap out of it,because he has before and sincerely love me again.   I know I cant count on it.  But I do know that going no contact is the best thing I can do for him a mainly  for myself if there is to be any chance for me moving on or him maybe by chance wanting to patch up the mess he made with me and make amends.  What ever the way, things will never be the same.   

[SweetCharlotte]

What ever the way, things will never be the same.   

Whatever you decide to do (I know it is a complex situation), I have to say that things can be the same, or better, actually. If you determine it's best for you to work it out with him, your r/s can become much better once you get over this sort of conflict.

I had a similar problem involving my uBPDh's projection, Skype, and Facebook (we are long-distance but same country). Put these three together and you have the Bermuda Triangle! Through it all, he maintained that he still loved me, and that enabled me to see beyond the trouble he was having at the time. It was a hard time for me, but we are past it and are able to use Skype and FB and "manage" his projection . . . at least until the next godawful crisis.