Special Needs Child brainwashed by BPD ex-spouse

[sydneybob1]

It's so hard to write things like this sometimes.

I've always had a close relationship with my son. Being a special needs child (Aspergers Syndrome), I was his primary carer from birth through to his early years in high school. During that time I worked full-time (the only reason why we could afford to pay for my ex's suicide attempts which totalled 5 in two years) but still cleaned and ironed his school clothes, cooked his meals, made his lunch, made sure all his notes were signed and dealt with, helped him complete his homework especially spelling and diaries (those of you who have had special needs kids know how the muscle tone is low and the handwriting quality can often lag the actual age by as much as 5-6 years. I took him to Occupational Therapy). He loved me and often wanted to spend as much time with me as he could. We shared many interests including taking care of animals.

After a nasty split with my ex over her BPD in 2008, she began to insert herself into Ben's education situation. While under most circumstances I would welcome the help, she completely changed the way he was studying and his grades declined. I couldn't get her to understand that my son needed a specific structure to work with, and that motivation and tapping into what interested him was the way to get him to work harder. She was never on the same page as me and refused to take any advice from anyone, including her parents.

Apart from behavioural changes due to adolescence, my ex promised my son that he could have all sorts of toys if he spent time with her instead of with me and then threatened to withhold them if he wanted to have time with me. He was not strong enough to stand up to her (I was the only one- you have to stand up to bullies). Then she made him unavailable to me (without cause) so I had no input into how he was doing or what his study structure was (and claiming that he was living with her full-time meant that she could veto any meeting with the school on his grades or study discipline).

Having had a great mum (a teacher) who emphasized the importance of studying hard and having a good education (which led me to a tertiary and graduate degree), this was an important area to me as I knew he needed to get a good job and learn to handle responsibility when he grew up. Unfortunately, my ex barely passed the HSC and had very poor attention span and study habits, so school was not a big priority. As a result, my son has struggled at school, both scholastically and making friends.

Now I don't get to see him and get no reports as to how he is doing as she has done everything she can to keep me in the dark. As mentioned in a New Member post, I finally moved from the city to the country to heal and to take a good paying job and focus on a wonderful relationship with a loving and understanding partner. But my son has become a stranger and it has caused me more sleepless nights than you can possibly imagine. I feel that somehow I am a bad person (which is what my ex wants) and that somehow I drove him away- fortunately these thoughts are occurring less often. But he said to me on so many occasions when he was growing up, "I like coming in to sleep with you and Molly (our dog) because you make me feel safe". I would like to find that boy again but I have to be patient.

I guess the moral is that if there is a split with a BPD spouse, it is often very difficult to be on the same page re parenting as the "borderline" will be scattered, self-focused and resistant to constructive criticism or even suggestions. My son has been used as a pawn in some sick game and I will always be angry that he has been subjected to that type of pressure and trauma.

I hope that my son will be ok and that he will look me up as I think about him 24/7.

Thanks for letting me share.

sydneybob1

[momtara]

Hi.  I am so sorry to hear this and glad you are posting here.  You clearly are a nice person and a good dad.  The asperger's makes the situation harder - obviously your son can be manipulated.

Wish I had some advice, but I have a different situation.  I just want to know if there's something legally you can do to make sure you have time with him and that she's not messing up his education.

Also, ever read Buzz Bissger's book about his son Zach with asperger's?  Might be nice for stress relief.

[sydneybob1]

Thanks so much, Momtara!

I like to think I am a good person and I relish the opportunity to provide a good positive example to kids at a time when they are learning quickly but are still vulnerable to bad influences. It's sad to think that I used to coach 200 kids in swimming (and I knew all 200 names, their strengths and weaknesses, and how to motivate them) yet the one I wanted to "coach" most was unavailable to me because I was dealing with someone who simply couldn't reason.

As a logical person, it frustrated me to no end that I couldn't even have a discussion about anything without her trying to talk over me. It got so bad that she refused to even make herself visible to me when I came to pick my son up- it's like she knew that if I saw her I would in fact "see through her" for what she was.

As for asserting my rights, yes, fathers who are not barred from access due to legal or other factors have a right to access. But as my son is now 16 (and a very confused and angry 16 I would guess), it may be too late at this point for me to make much difference in terms of what will happen in the next two years as he preps for his HSC. He may have to learn the hard way that you have to apply yourself if you want a good result. But he simply doesn't get that influence with his mum and although I have reached out to him many, many times by text and phone (his mum won't give me his email address- that's how vindictive she is), I have gotten no response. So I may have to wait until he comes "out of the jungle" to re-establish communication. And how many years will I have lost at that point that I will never get back?

I could post you a diary I sent him at Christmas which was loving and informative with good photos of my animals and a request to keep in touch- you might even weep when you read it. And yet not one word of reply. She might have intercepted it and thrown it in the bin. It breaks my heart sometimes.

Keep in touch, Momtara. Every communication lets me know I am not alone.

Thanks,

sydneybob1