Hi IsItHerOrIsItMe,
When we were in counseling (before I knew about BPD) the counselor talked about how the strongest relationships are those where each have their own interests that they can share along with some mutual interests... . that never took hold and so even though by any standards we spend way more time together than most couples even a walk to the bar with her brother can start a fight... .
Quite right, most of the relationships here are too close considering there is one party in it who does not have a clear idea what their own emotions are and another party too eager to bend over backwards. The path out of this mess is marked by boundaries that are established. It is a stony path.
So I know I can't convince her of anything, but when it all starts I'm looking for a non-confrontational SET example, with the truth statement that makes sense to someone who sees poker (or anything really) as wanting to spend time with other women.
you don't want to convince her but you want her to believe and accept your message . It is not possible. I suggest you know that you can't convince her but you are struggling to accept that fact and adjust accordingly.
You can use SET and state what you believe are the facts. But you have no control over her accepting your view of the world. None. Accepting that she sees things differently and is unhappy about it may well be the only option you have.
But then do facts really matter? Does it matter what your wife believes? I would suggest it is not as important and there are other aspects that equally need attention namely her level of emotional excitation. You may not be able to get her to like it but keeping her on "dislike" and avoiding "upset, yelling, freaking out and acting destructively" is a major achievement. Think about it - your wife is jealous - and frankly she has every right to be so. Her emotions - she can feel whatever she wants.
So instead of trying to focus on facts lets focus on emotions. What emotions are in play and need validation:
- jealousy
- insecurity
- change/different/never done before
- loss of control
How could such a statement look like:
- When hearing that I could think you believe we play strip poker. <a bit risky depending on her mood. Be prepared to hear it back months later and take it with humor.>
- Yeah, not done this for a long time. Sure is a different weekend for a change. Feels a bit odd.
- You almost sound like I'm running after these women.
Essentially what you are dealing with is establishing some boundary between your private life and hers. This is going to be resented and there is a low level extinction burst ongoing. You can only manage the fallout of such events - one usually can not avoid them. Keeping calm yourself, validating her, sticking to a simple story and keeping your course will likely get you somehow through it. The establishment of this boundary alone or repeats thereof will change the relationship dynamic quite a lot in many subtle ways - mostly for the better - you'll sense it when you get there another day.
Until then - enjoy your game
