Should I ask him what's going on?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I almost know the answer to that one because normally it's what I do... . but anyways the current situation:

Last week BPDh communicated through letters to me that he's made some revelations and decisions which include:

• "We don't love each other anymore"



• "There is too much in your past for me to get over"



• "I think you're hypocritical and stubborn"



• "It's obvious that you have some issues"



• "I still want you to know that you deserve all the things I couldn't give you"



• "You think I'm disgusting and a huge disappointment"



• "I don't want to leave"



• "I want to know if you want me to leave now or what."

By "now or what" he means now or after the baby's born (I'm 10 weeks with our second). After he wrote me these letters, there was a night he came upstairs where I was in bed and made it pretty clear he wanted to have sex. I'm pretty much tired of the emotional rollercoaster and it actually hurts me worse when after he says things like in the letter he acts like that. I'd rather it just be misery all the time, I think. Anyways, he was clearly upset that I wouldnt and slept on the couch. Then early this week I had my first T appt where he thinks I just wanted to go talk about my ex-boyfriend (who committed suicide a couple years ago). Since I didn't open up to him right away about what I spoke to the T about (my marriage), I've been getting the silent treatment. He asked me through text message yesterday if I did or planned on talking about my ex, to which I replied, "I talked about you and I."

Another text from yesterday informed me that he doesn't feel like I want him (he tells me this almost daily) and my actions could change that but I think it's "better to stay in a loveless marriage than love and want someone who actually loves you more than anyone has."

Again, silent treatment at home last night. He slept on the couch. I just want to ask him if he's waiting for me to tell him to "leave now or what" but I'm pretty sure it'll just lead into a six hour fight and I don't have that in me to give. Any advice?

[lauren50]

I almost know the answer to that one because normally it's what I do... . but anyways the current situation:

Last week BPDh communicated through letters to me that he's made some revelations and decisions which include:

• "We don't love each other anymore"



• "There is too much in your past for me to get over"



• "I think you're hypocritical and stubborn"



• "It's obvious that you have some issues"



• "I still want you to know that you deserve all the things I couldn't give you"



• "You think I'm disgusting and a huge disappointment"



• "I don't want to leave"



• "I want to know if you want me to leave now or what."

By "now or what" he means now or after the baby's born (I'm 10 weeks with our second). After he wrote me these letters, there was a night he came upstairs where I was in bed and made it pretty clear he wanted to have sex. I'm pretty much tired of the emotional rollercoaster and it actually hurts me worse when after he says things like in the letter he acts like that. I'd rather it just be misery all the time, I think. Anyways, he was clearly upset that I wouldnt and slept on the couch. Then early this week I had my first T appt where he thinks I just wanted to go talk about my ex-boyfriend (who committed suicide a couple years ago). Since I didn't open up to him right away about what I spoke to the T about (my marriage), I've been getting the silent treatment. He asked me through text message yesterday if I did or planned on talking about my ex, to which I replied, "I talked about you and I."

Another text from yesterday informed me that he doesn't feel like I want him (he tells me this almost daily) and my actions could change that but I think it's "better to stay in a loveless marriage than love and want someone who actually loves you more than anyone has."

Again, silent treatment at home last night. He slept on the couch. I just want to ask him if he's waiting for me to tell him to "leave now or what" but I'm pretty sure it'll just lead into a six hour fight and I don't have that in me to give. Any advice?

[elemental]

Let it go.

He is trying to instigate drama with you. Ignore because it won't lead to anything but what appears to be circular arguing ( 6 hour argument you are not up for).

Did you happen to check out the lessons on the staying board? I can see you are on this board, but the lessons can help you manage some of these issues and help you see a clearer way forward.

You can learn to validate his feelings, not as your truth or as facts, but as how he is feeling. Learning these skills can really help. They helped me a lot.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for articulating this, I can relate to the description of your husband's behavior. Has he always been like this?

[lauren50]

zencat: Thanks, I've been trying to keep myself from making anything worse. I have looked at some of the lessons on the staying board. For the most part, when I respond with the techniques I've learned here, he tells me I'm just telling him what he wants to hear. It seems like it's a lose-lose situation. But I'm here, trying to learn more.

unicorn: Looking back, he's always had these sorts of behaviors but I didn't always see it and he wasn't always so straight-forward with it.

[unicorn2014]

So lauren50 have you decided what you're going to do about it?

[lauren50]

So lauren50 have you decided what you're going to do about it?

This weekend I found out that was what he was waiting for, for me to tell him to stay for now or leave. Well, I didn't really have much of an answer and he just ended up raging. Finally, he told me he wanted to go to my T session this week with me. It seemed like a bad idea but I ran it by on the forums here and I think I'm going to stick with my gut-- if he wants to go to T himself and work towards finding a marriage counseler, that's great, maybe I could stay if that were the case, but unfortunately, I think he only wanted to go to find out what I've been talking to my T about. We'll see on that soon... . :/

[unicorn2014]

Lauren 50, yes my pwBPD comes with me to therapy when he's in town. He says it's to support me and to provide my therapist with an objective view of himself. He's not in therapy himself. I told him that was a condition of our moving forward in our relationship. He has a really negative view of therapy for himself.