Running Away Is Not A Solution

[qcarolr]

Dh and I chose to let the PO for DD27 know her location. I called and left a message this morning.

If DD calls when she is being booked into jail, this is all I plan to say. RUNNING AWAY IS NOT A SOLUTION. For now, these are enough words.

Later we will decide what support we are willing to give her while she is in jail.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Verbena]

I was just about to throw in my two cents on the comment from your other thread about not knowing whether you should call her PO or not regarding her location.  You did the right thing.  Yes, it might have been better if the police found her without your input so your DD can't put the blame on you, but I'm guessing you're used to being blamed for her behavior anyway.

I can't even wrap my head around the thought of below-zero temperatures because I've never experienced anything even close to that.  She was safer in a warm motel room given such extreme weather, but still in a dangerous situation with the drug use.  The sooner she is in jail, the safer she will be from herself and from the shady people she surrounds herself with. 

I pray this period of time with her locked up will give you the respite you need. 

[crazedncrazymom]

What a brave woman you are!  I really do think you made the right decision.  At least you won't have to worry about where she is now.  Take care of yourself!

-crazed

[Thursday]

Calling the PO must have been very hard.

Doing the right thing is often very hard.

 

BTW- you are just so dear with your worry about her stuff and I'm so glad you chose to not worry about all of that. A definite step in the right direction.

I hope your DD gets some help through all of this. I also hope your family can finally get some space to heal. Amazing things have happened between my DH and me since SD has moved out... . we are in such a better place without the daily escalation, uncertainty and all of the conflicts- me/him, him/her, me/her, her/the world.


thursday

[qcarolr]

No peace yet. Not sure the PO got my message. Do not think DD has any idea yet about this.

I have not replied this week to DD request via text for a computer or tablet (she got tablet for Christmas, said it was stolen, we got insurance replacement, then she needed money for food so we paid her for the tablet and suspended it's service). I was at doctor appointment this morning with phone on vibrate. She called every minute for 45 minutes when I  got to my car and chose to answer.

She wants the tablet and cigarettes. I reminded her that we had exchanged texts last week about why she was not getting it back. I had already paid her for it with cash. She denied ever getting money from me! That I need to talk to her in person. I agreed I was avoiding talking with her because she kept asking for the same thing, and my answer of NO was not going to change. I said we had been providing support for her while she was in her program. And now she was not doing anything - she walked away from the ARC program. She said she was doing them and they were not going to work for her... . As she got louder, I said I could not talk to her about this and was putting my phone back on silent. So I hung up and did that.

So get home from errands and see text from dh's boss to call him ASAP.  :)D has been calling his cell and the front desk of the retirement community where he works.    She has done this before where I have worked - is not in mental place to hear any logic or reasoning or have any concept of other peoples needs or rights, etc.  I had to put a block in her number at my work -well all the numbers at work. This was in 2009.

Dh told her he would stop by to help her after he gets off work. I asked him what his plan was with this. We are not giving her any money, etc -- right? He did not know. At least she had stopped calling him after he said that.

This is so hard and painful. We have been through many times. I am feeling my heart harden toward her today for self-protection. Just last week there was the day when i assured her i loved her with my whole heart always. And I still do - but my protective parental blocks are going up.

I cannot be distracted by DD's stuff today when gd gets home from school in an hour. We have appt. with her pdoc today. I am asking about increasing her med. for evening. She has been physically assaulting me nightly when it is time to go to bed. I am bruised and sore. I have to put physical space between us once dh and I get her to her room, reassure that I love with my whole heart, and sit in a chair outside her open door silent until she settles. This has been taking about an hour.

This also triggers my protective parental blocks.

That running away fantasy is looking good today. I will try to contact my T again for some support.

I know others here experience these same struggles. We do survive them. It is hard to keep hope when all I can see is going NC with DD. Even if she ends up in jail.

I am just venting here, and starting to ramble in my mind to no benefit. Will check back later.

qcr

[mggt]

Dear qcr, You are doing the right thing for dd I know how much this hurts but you have to protect your emotional self and gd dh.  I will continue praying for all of you  not sure what else to say accept you are a wonderful mom and grandmom dont ever doubt that for one second   

[Thursday]

Q-

Please remember that she is cycling down and at the deepest of this.  She is not only at the peak of her obnoxiousness, she is off the charts of anxiety and fear and dysfunction and using all of her maladaptions to cope. Oh noo.

Your instinct for self-preservation is very intact- we can all understand how you DO NEED to protect yourself from her fury. There have been times in the last six months when you enjoyed her... . she is in there somewhere. Lean on your faith. 

Sorry for the dark times you are having.

I worry about your dh seeing her in person. Mmm.  :'(

thursday

Contact the PO in the morning. Hope gd's pdoc can help you.

[peaceplease]

qcr,

Oh my, oh my!    I am so sorry for all that you are going through.   My heart truly goes out to you!

I hope that gd's pdoc can help you.  You have done all that you can for your dd.  She continued to make horrible choices.  It is so heartbreaking for her, for you, and for your whole family! 

You have done the right thing in contacting the PO.  I know how difficult that was for you, and I am so sorry for the pain you are in.

You continue to be in my prayers. 

peace

[pessim-optimist]

You are doing the right thing, qcr... .  

It is not easy to navigate through the minefields of dd's dysregulations. You are right to protect yourself. There will be times to connect and show love again.

Hoping dh's visit of dd was not a bad idea... . (did he give in to her battering phone-calls at work, or did he genuinely want to see her... . )

[qcarolr]

Thank you all for the many reminders about the panic, fear, and dysregulation DD is consumed with. She is doing the best she can, and is reaching out for me to rescue her. I cannot in all realms. She will have to melt down with her PO this time, or someone else. I have to keep confident she will survive this as she has in the past.

Dh did not go by the motel on his way home. He wanted to check in with me first. He called and got not answer. We will contact her in the morning. She got a letter, maybe her 'stolen' ID is inside. I know the guy it is from - he works and has an apartment. Friend of her exbf that pressed the harassment charges. Not good for her to be around him. Oh well. I will let dh make any contact tomorrow. We have to be in town for his eye appointment.

Contacted the motel about another 3 days. The PO still wants to 'connect with DD'. She does not have time until Monday. How can I express to her that DD will have none of that - she is continuing to slip off the charts. She needs to be in jail or inpatient somewhere - though we would have to pay some kind of daily fee her medicaid would not cover. Anyway, the general manager at motel will not allow DD to stay past her paid time on Saturday. So the 4th motel to vacate her after 2 weeks. We are done. I told her this in our brief call this morning, even before calling the motel.  Most likely she got this message today from management and this triggered intensity of her contact today.

I can understand she is consumed by panic. I have limited heart connection to this today.

Luckily Dh's boss has an adult daughter with similar issues. He shares with Dh some of this. He was standing at reception when DD called there, so told receptionist to block her number. She knew how to do this already.

GD and I had a really good meeting with pdoc. He is keeping her on monthly checkin with him. We can stop to get her blood pressure checked every two weeks when we see T. Increased the clonodine a little to see if that helps her get to sleep earlier.

It was good for gd to sit and listen to me share honestly about her abusive behaviors, and ask for new ways to handle this. I tried to include gd in  conversation, acknowledging this was partly her story and partly my story. The pdoc talked to her about how hard it was to hear this, but it was needed to help him get the medicines right. He is a very conservative pdoc with meds.

So he thinks the Adderall, that is working so awesome for her thinking and attention everywhere, is also pushing her moods. He said if this is the case it will most likely continue to accelerate, not get better with time. So he is watching closely. If things get too bad I can stop it at anytime and see if this helps. So we may be looking at more meds - mood stabilizers. Or different stimulant. At least gd seems to get that these help her and she takes them willingly.

Tonight went really well. Still 9:45 before she settled in her room. She spent 30 minutes brushing her teeth trying to get a brown spot off. She asked for a sticker on her allowance calendar for no yelling tonight. I gave her a nice one - "You Rock". i sure needed this today. So much joy!

Have been thinking all evening about what  I am supposed to be learning today. In my meditations this morning the message was that I am on a very steep path. To slow down. There is a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship. Losing my focus I grasp for other things than the Light, Life, Joy and Peace that flows from my God.

To teach me patience? That I have no power over the outcomes? To let tomorrow go as it will be what it will be and I am strong enough to manage what does come? The waiting, that is the hardest right now. Seems like so much lost time for treatment all the delays. Yet, maybe it is not yet the time for DD to be in jail or whatever is to come for her. Maybe she has to be homeless a bit? At least the deep freeze is supposed to lift by Saturday. Maybe she will find others to share a place with for a bit.

So I am in a more mindful place as I go to bed early. Very discouraged and deep sadness.

qcr

PS. I think the business I work for is in deep financial trouble pushed by cold weather, hiring new mechanic at too high of pay rate, and pressure for boss's spouse to pay more of the household bills. Complicated story there with one party giving bad disease to the other with lots of anger and pain surrounding that r/s. I will try to hang on until the doors may have to close. I want to walk away and know I will stay. Am setting more stringent boundaries about attempts to get me more involved in their personal r/s. I have done their personal bills as part of my bookkeeping job for several years. I resigned from this yesterday after the "True Confessions" session my boss laid on me and everyone else in this small auto repair shop. Just what I need right now!

[qcarolr]

First the good news.

Gd is doing better with med increase and our short talk with the pdoc about 1. how good she is doing in school 2. Her resistance to going to be, coming to dinner, doing homework, etc. her violent behaviors toward me. She is writing me notes with her angry feelings, drawings included, instead of yelling at me or hitting me. She has some self-control back seems.

My boss has taken on the responsibility to keep his business afloat - he is actually digging into the numbers, meeting with the others in his small business, and accepting the limits on my time and job description.

So I know I can set boundaries and take care of my needs.

DD is another story. The past three days all run together. Thinking there is a warrant since Monday, then the PO saying she still wants to meet with DD when I spoke to her on Thursday about the end of her week at the motel. We decided to tell PO where she was staying. So we believed there was no warrant and DD could still meet with PO if we gave her another few days at motel. Then office said - no she cannot stay. Then DD says will they told me it is OK. So we stop yesterday morning to check into all this, took DD to breakfast and parked in motel lot and DD said "Freeze!".  There were 3 police cars cruising around the lot. They parked right next across from us. DD recognized on of the officers (they all know who she is from her homeless days). I just wanted to open the door and say - "here she is". But knew someone would get hurt. DD is adamant about not going to jail, yet will not comply with probation!

So dh drove out of lot to big box store. DD asked if I had told where she was. And I said yes -- she needed to face what she needs to do and stop running away. I ended up getting out of truck and walking around block. She scares me, and dh told her this. This was all a new experience for him, sadly not for me. She very very intense. I have to agree - she feels betrayed because it was a betrayal to tell PO where she was after hiding it for 10 days. Then we drove her back to motel - after I talked to PO and DD talked to PO. They wanted her to turn herself in - maybe would try detox again then in to jail. I only heard DD's side of conversation. PO was confronting her about the evidence from Detox and why she was kicked out. DD tried to deny. I had also told her what I had heard on the calls she made from detox - threats she made to staff while she was on phone with me. I am sure she felt ganged up on. We felt held hostage for over an hour until she finally got out of truck at the motel so we could drive away. Got home about 1/2 hour before gd got home from school on bus.

Today she called/texted every 60 seconds starting at 8:30 am. I silenced my phone. Dh silenced his phone. She was melting down emotionally. She wanted money, her tablet (which I had paid her for - she refused to accept this since the money got stolen and that is why she had not left town already), for us to help her get out of town. I only talked to her once to repeat "Running away is not a solution". Her answer consistently was "I would rather die than go to jail again". So I finally called for a wellness check about 12:30. She left before they got to the door of her room. The officer that called back said he knows DD and the hangouts and will keep a watch for her. We called to motel to lock out her room. They called back just now with the wrecked state of the room, they cannot clean it and make repairs today. We are being charged for another day and damages. I am going in tonight to do what I can. Dh has to be at work 7am tomorrow.

Also have others that were staying in room wanting their stuff. Motel will not take responsibility for allowing anyone into room other than a registered guest. So I said to ask for a list of what they want with contact info. We will follow up on that part.

I am sad, yet not shocked. Dd has been off all meds for about 2 weeks. This is the point when she usually melts. I pray that she will be safe and get found sooner than later. Hopeful she will stay away from our house - that has never been an issue before.

It was about as bad as I could never have imagined.

Also got letter from her lawyer about filing for her appeal SSI. Wonder if all this will be for or against her in getting disability determination. She has been trying since she was 18.

Gotta go. Thanks for listening. Your prayers for all of us are appreciated.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

qcr,

My prayers and thoughts go out to you today.

When you first talked about your dilemma of whether to tell the PO about dd's whereabouts, and deciding on doing it on Friday, I thought - telling them Friday afternoon would not be best, because then there's the weekend when they would not do anything and so much can happen over the weekend.

Then, you posted that you did tell the PO earlier this week, so there was hope that things would go smoothly. I really do not understand the reasoning of the PO after all that has happened with dd... .  

I am very sorry that you are caught up in all this... . Tomorrow will be another day. 

[qcarolr]

I am doing OK. At peace being totally 'the evil one' in her lengthy, irrational ranting texts. I responded to only one of them to let her know her stuff was out of the motel and the room closed. Gd had the little stuffies saved for her, and said thanks. This was followed by two more raving crazy texts.

She feels totally betrayed by me that I let PO know her location. I did not lie about that. I am going to be honest for any.

I keep seeing myself in the fiery furnace, yet not getting burned. I am in a new place withing myself. DD cannot harm me here emotionally. I know she got herself into this when she raged her way out of detox and the TFT program. She knew when she left there that jail was her only option. I think the PO was telling her 60 days today followed by more probation.

I will wash her clothes so they don't mold - they seem damp. I think she tried to hand wash them - this she did tell me yesterday. Then offer to drop them somewhere for her next week. Unless she wants them wet. Will have to be when on of us is here with gd. She cannot come to the house as she wants. Not without a police standby which won't happen with the warrant.

I am not sure if this board is the best place for me right now. I have no interest in supporting DD at this time. I have shifted in to total self/family protection mode.

qcr

[lever.]

I have been reading your posts and thinking of you and your family. I have not commented as I am new and don't know what to say to you in this horrible situation. There are others far better equipped to support you.

I would like you to know that your posts are helping people all over the world as an example of how to preserve your own mental stability whilst offering the maximum support possible to an adult child with BPD.

Just reading them has helped me to reflect on the line between supporting and enabling and on how nurturing our own spiritual life can help us respond in a calm and compassionate way whatever is being thrown at us.

I hope your daughter is soon found.

[Being Mindful]

qc,

This board, this place is exactly where you belong. Keep coming here for support. We all care. Being Mindful

[swampped]

Dear qcr:  Of course you belong here!  Where else would you go, and what would we do without your presence and support for all of us?  You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always, and those of many of your friends here.  Sending you       and please know we are praying for all of you.   Swampped

[pessim-optimist]

I am not sure if this board is the best place for me right now. I have no interest in supporting DD at this time. I have shifted in to total self/family protection mode.

qcr, I know you read the Bible. Many times you can see God 'divorcing' the Israelites. Often you read of Him leaving them to be attacked and exploited by other nations. YET - He says that He carved them into the palm of His hand and that His covenant with them is eternal... .

DD is your child forever. YET the fact that you have no interest in supporting her at this time, might be very very appropriate.  For your own sanity and safety, and also for her own long-term good.

We are here to support YOU through this hard time. 

On the other hand, if reading here is too triggering for you right now, and you just need a break from even thinking about it, then that is another thing... . If you need a break, we will be here when you come back.

Let us know. 

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the encouragement to keep coming back. I have given that suggestion many many times in the past few years here at bpdfamily.

I am not sure if this board is the best place for me right now. I have no interest in supporting DD at this time. I have shifted in to total self/family protection mode.

qcr, I know you read the Bible. Many times you can see God 'divorcing' the Israelites. Often you read of Him leaving them to be attacked and exploited by other nations. YET - He says that He carved them into the palm of His hand and that His covenant with them is eternal... .

DD is your child forever. YET the fact that you have no interest in supporting her at this time, might be very very appropriate.  For your own sanity and safety, and also for her own long-term good.

This is a good reminder. I have gained a new strength, and yes peace, through my faith in the past month. I believe the support from my women friends has allowed me to make some really hard choices - again. The difference this time is this quiet sense of peace that I find in my heart. I feel no anger, resentment, guilt... .  I am surprisingly not too distressed today.

God gives us a great guide for parenting in His story related in the Bible. The unconditional love, wisdom, knowledge and understanding there underlies nearly every other resource I have studied in the past couple of years.  I did not get this the other 50 years of my life even though I have been reading the Bible since I was about 5 in one way or another.

I have never known this level of peace. At least for today. This moment of today.

Update: two sheriff deputies stopped by my house looking for DD today. Gd was a little freaked out at first, but said later she was not afraid. I had to word my story to them with her young ears there in the background. Briefly related my experiences with her the past couple weeks, that she was srtuggling with mental illness issues more than anything. Answered their questions about her dx's, meds (none for at least 2 weeks), substance preferences, etc.  Told them she is not very mentally stable right now. She is most likely with others from the homeless community; most likely couch hopping. Gave them her cell number. They said she has FOUR WARRANTS -- all related to probation violations. OK, that makes sense to me as I write here. There are four case files open for her - DWAI/pot, Harassment, Harassment, No Contact Violations.

Does DD realize how much worse she is making this for herself by running and hiding? Most likely no. My perception is she is in panic mode totally now -- no connection to any executive thinking. I overheard her say this to the PO on phone Friday. "When I am in panic mode, I have no impulse control" were her exact words. She knows herself well. This makes it so hard sometimes to discern how much of her defiant behaviors have characteristics of manipulation and deliberation, and how much is lack of ability and control.

So I pray for her to be safe. I pray for her to be found by officers with some compassion for her fear and lack of impulse control. Some do have good training for diffusing situations with mental health components. Others shoot first and ask questions of survivors later. That is one of my greatest fears for her. She is the prey, and is a fighter when confronted in her fear and distress.

Please pray for her safety.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Friday I was NOT at peace about anything. I was very angry that DD would not turn herself in. I felt great guilt and shame that I was not able to maintain my own self-control in the face her treatment of me as the evil witch (her actual words are not allowed on this site).

Yet in some twisted way her endless calling (every 30 seconds for hours - my phone on silent) on Thursday and Friday, then endless tirades at me via texts all afternoon yesterday (I answered only once, then silenced my phone -- deleted them all this morning) had a positive impact on my sense of self. They are all lies. They are all her projection of her totally overwhelming panic inducing emotions onto me. I can take it today -- I can let being the evil one pass right through me. Because I now know the truth within myself -- that I am a good person, good mom, good grandma, good wife. Her blasts of all these roles I own are lies. And I can hear them and not own them.

I am grateful for my peace today.

qcr

[Thursday]

I can let being the evil one pass right through me. Because I now know the truth within myself -- that I am a good person, good mom, good grandma, good wife. Her blasts of all these roles I own are lies. And I can hear them and not own them.

This sounds like EXACTLY where you need to be. I'm glad to hear you sounding so strong.



Thursday

[peaceplease]

Just a quick line to let you know that you and dd are in my prayers.

peace

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, qcarolr... . I am really sorry for all of this that has been happening in your life with your daughter, but you are doing a great job detaching as you need to, and taking care of yourself, your granddaughter and your marriage. You have been left no choice, and your daughter will sadly need to suffer the consequences of her actions. You need to save yourself and your family right now... .

And I also believe you are right where you belong, emotionally, and on this Board. It's the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board, and that's what you are doing. And sometimes we need to detach from them and their troubles to save ourselves, our sanity, and our families. I will continue to pray for you and yours 

[crumblingdad]

QCR - agree with previous posters that this board is exactly appropriate a place for you to be.  As I've read your posts a question has come to my mind numerous times - I wonder if she has detached with love "enough."  It's certainly a question not being in the situation I can answer and one only you can answer.  However, the peace you've just recently found for yourself as you took that extra step of detachment sounds like a peace you desperately needed.

So I'll remind you of this during this very difficult time:

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you're not going to cure it.

Maybe your DD needs more natural consequences to understand.  I know one thing, you shouldn't have to be paying for motel rooms then spending your precious time paying for damages and cleaning them and worrying about stranger's getting what belongings back.

It's ok to detach with love and you've done far beyond what most people would ever do as a mom.   My thoughts are with you as always and please do what YOU need to do for YOU to stay healthy.  You can't do anything for anyone when you're not taking care of yourself and our children's greatest support comes from us when we are at our strongest.

[Thursday]

Qcarolr-

crumblingdad has said something that bears quoting-

You can't do anything for anyone when you're not taking care of yourself and our children's greatest support comes from us when we are at our strongest.

Besides the "airplane" analogy (taking the oxygen mask for yourself first) the above quote reminds me that indeed- we are not at our strongest when we are buried under a crapheap of symptoms, behaviors, problems, fears, etc.

What you have experienced thus far is that your daughter has real issues but her personality disorder is working against her being able to find a way to be in the world. And you've tried and tried but haven't been able to reach the part of her that can find her way.

She needs a change. If she were able to be pleasant to you and your husband, to keep everyone safe you would and could keep doing for her, helping her, covering her deficits and giving her a hand. However, this isn't the way it is. As you try to help her, she makes it hard and then harder for you. There are assuredly, things she could do for herself but she isn't giving it a go to ensure any success.

If you could have fixed your daughter she would already be fixed. She stays stuck because it works for her. You have been there letting this work for her.

She has to be made aware that there is a limit, an end, and she has to figure out what she really wants for herself. What you have done until now hasn't made enough of a case for her changing.

And so, you MUST LET GO, to give her a chance to figure it out for herself. Because  if she doesn't, this is the hard, hard life you and your husband are choosing for yourselves. She will drain you. And she will leave your grand daughter with far less than she deserves.

And we can be here to remind you to be ok with yourself, to remind you that it is a hard leap of faith.

And we know you aren't giving up on your daughter, you are giving her a chance.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

I will carry this deep sadness and know that I am at peace with all that dh and I have chosen to do for our DD.

There is a story on this board about the man on the bridge - holding onto a rope trying to save the poor soul dangling at the other end over the water that will not do anything to save herself. Many times I have tried to throw that rope away from my grasp. Even thinking that I had done so. But always it came back and I grabbed it again.  My end of the rope in no longer in sight. It is night and dark. Only stars. And I know that DD is not alone - it is not I that needs to be there for her.

She is strong willed, strong spirited and stubborn. She will survive in the way she chooses. At some point this will all catch up with her.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Or at some point what will catch up with her might be the discovery that she needs to find her own help by helping herself and perhaps will.

Let your higher power and hers take the rope so you can work on yourself for now and have faith that things will change for the better while you do that.

Thinking of you both and will continue to pray for you, your daughter and your family to be healthy.