How much do you help your adult child with BPD?

[qcarolr]

Peace in steel town, thanks for sharing your story here. It is good to hear from the the step-dad's perspective.

My wife gives her money here and there, we try to get dd into treatment, but she won't have any part of it. Dd has very little to do with me. If she calls here, she doesn't want to talk to me, she wants the phone passed over to mom so she can ask for money.

This has been the same pattern for a long long time in my home. It is hard for me when I know my Dd27 is living homeless, on the street or couch surfing. She too gets a lot stolen or maybe sold. We are trying to resist giving her anything when she gets out of jail this time. No cell phone, no money, no rides. I can drop off stuff that we are sorting to put in storage as we re-purpose her room. It takes monumental support for me to accomplish these things as it feels like giving up on her.

I am realizing that my dh, who seems so cold at times, is just coping in his own ways with the pain he feels with our DD27. I tend to over-react and he tends to withdraw. We are working to meet in the middle, and learn to give our marriage priority. From the first night when DD came to our home at 3 weeks she has been the center of my universe. It takes such work to shift these stubborn patterns. Yet, things are better between dh and I even as DD27 has slipped deeper into her abyss.

Knowing we are truly gd's parents, we have had custody since she was a baby, and letting go of expectations that DD will ever be in a consistent, supportive relationship with her daughter, has helped to shift these patterns. We get lots of support for this from a great child/family T that is primarily there for gd. She is supporting us in not allowing DD in our home at all.

  I have read some of the books, and the biggest things seem to be boundaries and changing how to interact with the other person, and maybe that will change how they interact with you.         

Yep, this is the backbone of what seems to work for many parents on this forum. Each family has to figure out the details that work best in their particular situation. And I try to remember this is a cyclical disorder. Even with treatment, which my DD so far refuses, some cycling will always be there during times of stress.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peace in steel town]

Dear qcarolr, thank you for sharing. It would appear that you are 9 years ahead of us, as dd just announced today that she is pregnant. Not sure how far along. We can see it coming, that the boyfriend will disappear, and that we will have to do more than our share. Ironic, when the news broke today, mom was critical, I was supportive, even though dd and I don't get along right now, and her boyfriend hates me. 

[MammaMia]

Peaceinsteel

Oh boy ... .    Could this be the time to treat her as an adult, with respect, of course, as she has requested?  Not funny, I agree.  Will she be able to care for a baby?

Life just got really complicated.  I am sorry.

[qcarolr]

Peace in Steel Town,

There is also a second child, my gs6. Before DD every got pregnant again we told her we could not get this involved with another child. We were, and are, at our limit financially, emotionally, etc. So we limited our contact. This was a different dad, they got married, lots of neglect, he was in foster care at 5 months. After a year of weekly visits, including my bringing gd monthly, he was free for adoption. The foster parents adopted him. I have very limited contact, mostly watching on the mom's facebook page.

Now is a good time to really consider you and your wife's particular life goals. My take on her being critical, as a grandma I carry most of the details and management needed for a child. It is a very complex choice and deserves lots of consideration. There are many grandparents on this board and about as many different ways of coping. It sure makes holding to boundaries with the grown up child harder to enforce when we cannot know the full impact on the little ones. And there are many that are able to parent their kids.

If you want to bounce some ideas around, may I suggest you start a thread on this topic.

qcr

[peace in steel town]

Dear qcarolr, your story does not get happier the more you tell of it. Neither does ours. Yesterday, I was tickled pink that I would be a grampa . I'm not happy she's pregnant, but if you have lemons, make lemonade. Today, his family wants the baby either aborted, or given up for adoption. He has been playing house with her for a year, and now he's hiding behind his mom's apron, hoping this will go away. Dd refuses to abort the baby. Big decisions, big problems. Tomorrow, I will try to get her into a home for teen moms, as I deliver there, they know me. No money, but a safe place for her and the baby. My wife and I do not really have a plan yet, but no enabling. Her decisions got her into this mess, and she needs to own that.     

[qcarolr]

peace in steel town,

Will she agree to this? I am a big supporter of the woman's right to choose, with or without the father's support. It will be good for her to get counseling and support to make her choices. There is time for this if she lives in a supportive environment.

She will need her family support in whatever choice she makes.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Peaceinsteel

I am sorry you all are going through this.  It is going to be your daughter's decision.  I suspect there will be some long, hard days ahead.  Why oh why do these young guys think they have no responsibility when a pregnancy occurs?  Your daughter did not get pregnant by herself.

Peace.

[peace in steel town]

So, dd is excited to go to the home for teen moms, in her own words, ASAP. She is going there on a tour next Thursday, to see if she will fit in. Currently, there are no openings, but that may change in a few weeks. It will be a challenge for her, as they have rules, a curfew, and are expected to do chores, and she has been kicked out of a shelter before for not following rules. A friends daughter went to a similar home, and lasted one day, after getting in a fight with another girl over a sandwich. We invited the young couple over, to toast the new family member, and he didn't show. Apparently, he didn't want to get lectured, and he's afraid of me. Baffling, his mom and his aunt allowed the two of them to share a bed and bedroom for the past six months, and now are surprised that dd is pregnant! As far as dd being able to take care of a baby, we have our doubts, and may have to adopt the child down the road. Now, for my big concern. Dd has been committing welfare fraud since day one, having never handed in a rent receipt, and none to show at tax time. Once the dollar value gets over 5000, it's considered fraud over 5000, and she could go to jail. So, in the midst of the pregnancy drama, she could wind up going to jail, too. I talked to the police, and he said that they are behind in processing claims, due to case load, so this may be a ticking time bomb. Dd just dismisses my concern.   

[qcarolr]

peace in steel town,

The legal stuff is a hard one, and will take a lot of courage for you to let her experience the full force of any consequences. Can you research your areas about how rehabilitation oriented the legal system is? In our district most offenders serve a short jail time and then go into probation the usually includes counseling, community service, etc.  My DD has been given many 2nd chances, 3rd chances.

There is also a lot of community support around teen pregnancies with parenting classes, food for mom and child (WIC is a federal program - check it out. Stands for Women, Infant and Children food program), etc... She can get this even as your dependent child. Our county social services office was a good resource for what was available.

My DD had her first child a month after her 19th birthday and her second 2 years later.

Hang in there.

qcr

[radioguitarguy]

Hi KellyGirl... .

As you know, everyday we ask that same question... . Are we enabling or supporting? I wish there was a definitive answer but there's not. Each post we read about on the boards regarding our children and/or adult children is unique unto itself, which is why this is so very hard for all of us. My son, who's coming up on 30 in June, was given a dual diagnosis in his early 20's. During those years, he spent a week in jail and various short stays in psychiatric hospitals along with one suicide attempt. His anxiety is through the roof, which like all of our kids, is holding him back. He stopped taking his anti-anxiety meds because coupled with his methadone, it turned him into a walking zombie. He now handles his anxiety with THC and it works better than anything he's ever been prescribed. He's had so many jobs, I've lost count but for the last 9 months, he's been working a motor route delivering newspapers, which brings me around to the "buying him a car" situation.

For the last 5 or 6 years, he's had various beater cars that we've bought for him and they all end up in the car graveyard. Well... . over the last 3 weeks, the engine blew on his car and the transmission went on my minivan. Soo because he uses his car to deliver papers, and he's been on methadone for 3 years without a relapse, I felt he was moving in the right direction. So I suggested, and he agreed, that he should find out if he could buy a late model used car to bolster his, not so good, credit score. As it turned out we chose to come up with a $1,000 down payment along with co-signing the loan on a 2010 Hyundai Sonata priced at $9,190 which I didn't want to do because of his track record. He now has a $200 a month car payment for the next 60 months. I've always been "a glass Half full" kinda guy and burned many times because of it.

If my 30 year old didn't have a car, he'd be sitting around smoking cigarettes. Because a job gives him a sense of self worth, I thought I'd give him a chance to prove himself yet again. He makes around $250 a week and needs to hand over $100 a week to me for his car payment and insurance. He's been taking baby steps and I've decided I'm not giving up on him now. I just pray to God he's able to manage his responsibilities. He said to me the other day, ":)ad, there's a bunch of stuff about being a grownup that really sucks!" Words to ponder.

We all do what we think is right for our kids in the situation we're currently in. I wish you all the best KG with your daughter and always know that we are all here for you when you need us!

RGG

[cfh]

RGG

It's been a long time since I've been on this board but I checked in and saw your post.  I have a 29 year old that I just spent a week with (he doesn't live with us right now) and I asked him outright... . are we helping you or enabling you? We also help with his rent while he is trying to find work.

Where he lives he needs a car to find work.  Without a car he can't accept any job that comes his way.  It's such a catch 22.

So we bought him a used car and gave him a 6 month timeframe.  If he can find a job and stay employed he can keep the car.  If not we are going to have to pull the plug.

And I don't really know for sure if we can pull the plug... . we are so tortured about what to do.

I totally understand what you are going through.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

cfh

Good move with the car.  Do you also pay your son's living expenses?   

Did your BPDs ever answer your question about enabling vs supporting him?  Just curious.

[radioguitarguy]

CFH

I am soo on board with your statement, "And I don't really know IF we can pull the plug." I talk tough to myself but when it comes time to make that decision, you just don't know if they are able to pull it together to make it work. I don't know about yours, but our 29 year old has intense anxiety. When I begin to think about what might happen if he doesn't have that "car" or place to stay coupled with his anxiety, I see him living on the streets in the cold and it reduces me to a big wet puddle. Are our BPD adult children playing us, CFH? I ask myself that question at least once a day. 90% of the time my answer is absolutely NOT. Your thoughts CFH?

RGG

[kellygirl601]

We did get a cheap car and hopefully this will hold out for awhile.  Honestly if she didn't have a car, it would make life hell for her dad and I.

Things have not improved a whole lot.  :'(  She is still living in a house with friends but they found out the landlord is not paying the mortgage and the house is in foreclosure.  I don't know where she will live when this is over but it is clear she can not live with us.  While on SSI they are considered disabled, however if she does work, she can keep a percentage.  What she needs is a case manager to oversee her.  My social worker friend gives me all these ideas but she is 21 so I cant do anything.  She is currently going to therapy through the county and when I suggested the case manager she said do I think she's stupid, she's told them that.  She recently told me that her therapist sent her to this "drug group" for group therapy.  I was stunned since I didn't know that was an issue.  Wonderful, one more thing.  I'm furious with her for this.  When I asked her what kind of drug group she flipped out saying I was trying to get her to tell me what kind of drug she was on, which I was.  I think that's a logical question. So MANY kids here are on heroin, its an epidemic and I am worried about that.  She said the group is not for addicts... .

Now I'm worried sick about giving her the monthly money to pay for rent and food etc.  God only knows what she is doing with it.  I feel so trapped and I don't want to be around her. 

[jellibeans]

kellygirl

I would be very concerned about whay your dd was doing with money that was suppose to go to rent and food. Is there a way to pay the landlord directly? Drop off groceries? I recently fond out my dd was smoking and I rarely give her money now. If I do I ask for the change and a recipe. Heroin ! jesus... . I won't give her a dime.

ps if the house is in foreclosure who do they pay rent to?

[kellygirl601]

She's been paying rent to the room mate that the lease is under.  Someone from the bank was at the property trying to find the owner.  The bank said the property is in foreclosure and told them not to pay the landlord anything, but to keep it in an account in case the landlord gets it out of foreclosure and sues them for back rent.  I don't believe she is on heroin.  I do think she drinks to much while out with friends.  It was bad when she was home, but at least I could see her daily and judge what was going on.  Now I don't know and I guess there's not much I can do. I get so upset because I feel she is just ruining herself.  Now it's tattoos.  It's always something. I'm not totally anti tattoo, but keep it nice, you know?  These are horrible and they just look so bad.  I just don't know how I am ever going to be able to be happy.

[jellibeans]

kellygirl

I think truly accepting your dd with all her flaws is the only way to be happy... . I don't like tattoos but it is her body and she is free to do with it what she wants. I try to be less judgemental and a bit detached... .

[kellygirl601]

Yes, I know that is true.  I just can't do it.  I work with at-risk teens and I see some of these kids come in here and I don't want that for my daughter.  She did not have to be that way.  It's like she already has strikes against her, but she just makes it worse.  I've tried the acceptance thing.  I just get tired of being embarrassed.  Not because she has mental illness, but because of the way she presents herself.  We tend not to do anything as a family because we never know how she will show up.  I don't want my parents to see her because they would be so worried and upset, and rightfully so.

[qcarolr]

kellygirl601

I so get the embarrassment with family. Most of my extended family isolated from us long ago. They could not tolerate how DD27 treated us and did not know how to reply. They did not want to hear or see my sadness and depression about it. Some did not agree with our attitudes and actions (or non-actions) with her. Some have dealt with relatives with addictions, but not BPD.

DD's rejection of the many treatment resources available to her for many years has been so hard for me. I really have not yet given up that she will pursue therapy now to get out from under her legal consequences. All I can do is gently encourage her and do my best to step back and let her fail if that is the path that she continues to go down.

Radical Acceptance is very different than feeling a need to accept the behaviors of my DD. It is about taking care of myself in the moment and discerning what is in my control and what I have little or no impact on. There is a good workshop on this "Tools: Radical Acceptance for Families".

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

If you have not visited this workshop it might give you a new perspective. Maybe it can help you figure out the money part that you CAN control - ie. pay it only directly to the landlord. It has taken my dh and I a long time to let go of thinking we can control how our DD spends any money we give her. If we want to help with rent, cell phone, food, etc. we pay the landlord (not the friend with the lease); we pay the cell phone company; we buy a grocery store prepaid card; etc. DD is at a place right now where she is able to appreciate whatever help we offer. This has not always been the case.

On the lease - it might be wise to check into finding a free legal aide office for help with tenant rights in her location. There are ways to protect yourself from being sued later. It is important to get info for her city. A search for 'legal aide' should help find this resource.

On the therapy issue, what kind of drugs she has used, etc. Your DD is an adult and these are in her control to share with you. The more I have been able to resist asking specific questions, and finding the courage to respect my DD's privacy, the more she has openly shared with me. This too is part of Radical Acceptance and the principles of VALIDATION. The TOOL at the right 'Validate the Valid' has been helpful with me. I do a refresher on this tool often.

How your parents would react to your D, if she chooses to contact them, is really up to them. They are also adults and able to make their own choices about contact with their granddaughter. They might surprise you. Especially if you are better able to separate who you are from who your D is.

This is all extremely hard work for we parents. And it takes time and TLC's (Tiny Little Steps). Be kind to yourself.

qcr