Moving out of the house?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My Lawyer wants me to stay, The GAL has suggested I consider moving out because the conflict is unhealthy for the kids. I requested the court appoint the GAL to determine custody.

Do I stay or go? My wife has been treating kids like gold since the divorce heated up and has focused all her hatred toward me exclusively, so I am not worried about their safety short term

[Imreadytodate]

My Lawyer wants me to stay, The GAL has suggested I consider moving out because the conflict is unhealthy for the kids. I requested the court appoint the GAL to determine custody.

Do I stay or go? My wife has been treating kids like gold since the divorce heated up and has focused all her hatred toward me exclusively, so I am not worried about their safety short term

[ForeverDad]

Are you seeking a custody evaluation?  Typically that's what is used to make recommendations to the court concerning custody.  While a GAL is representing the interests of the children, often the GAL is a lawyer or has more of a legal than a mental health background.

Let's turn the question around.  Is the GAL recommending you take the children with you if you leave?  Perhaps the better question is why the GAL seems to be giving the mother the preference for custody and parenting.

Personally, I hate the unwritten presumption that ends up favoring one gender over the other.  The courts can claim to be gender neutral but all the terms and decisions are based on factors that subtly favor in one way or another (1) those of the female gender or (2) appease the unreasonable problem parent.

My story... . We separated when I called 911 after my then-spouse had been threatening my life.  (After a few months it went to trial and despite her admitting to what was on the recording, the judge ruled her not guilty since she didn't have a weapon in her hands and case law in my state states threats of DV are conditions on whether there is "imminent" danger.)  After she got out on Monday she promptly rushed to family court.  In 30 minutes she got temporary custody and a majority parenting time schedule.  It took me 8 years to gradually get a reasonable order.  I can't imagine that if I had been the misbehaving disordered parent and I had gotten temp custody that it would have taken my ex 8 years to fix it.

[Imreadytodate]

The GAL suggested I leave not the mother.

[Imreadytodate]

This GAL is a Therapist, psychologist not a lawyer but he has significant experience as a GAL

[momtara]

This worries me because already, she is assuming you should be the one to move out, and by moving out, it MAY look worse in determining custody for you, from what I have heard here.  I'm not a lawyer or anything, and I don't know what kind of proof you have of her behavior, so here are some thoughts.

The fact that you asked for a GAL shows you care about the kids enough to bring in an expert.  But now she is making a recommendation based simply on marital conflict, and that's not really fair because if you don't follow it, she might be unfavorable toward you.  But if you DO follow it, it puts you at a disadvantage.

Are you seeking the majority of custody, or 50/50, or what?

Is your lawyer a good lawyer?  Maybe he can send the GAL a carefully worded letter saying that you encouraged the appointing of a GAL, and have appreciated her advice, but the reason you are getting a divorce is because of your concerns with ex's psychological problems, and you don't think that leaving the children right now is the right move (for whatever reasons you want to say)... . I am NOT a lawyer or evaluator so this is just a suggestion from me as a laywoman.  I didn't have a GAL in my situation.  In some ways, I wish I had asked for a psych eval, but that's another story.

I think you have to tread delicately.  

Have you been the kids' primary caregiver in the past, or has she?  :)o you have any prior complaints?  These things may come into play in terms of who gets more custody and who should move out if you make your case.  Some people go to court to have the other party move out.

I think it is common for one party to move out as a divorce escalates, and often it's the guy, but maybe in your case it's not the right move - depending on your situation, which I know nothing else about and I haven't read your past posts.

I'm sure it isn't great for your kids to be in a house with parents divorcing and fighting.  So you will have to, I guess, think about it some more.  

As an idea, you can also post your question on avvo.com and get some free legal advice, but dont' say you have a lawyer, because they are hesitant to help if they know you already have one.  Be vague about stuff, just in case your wife ever happens to see your post, and post that you're from a different town or part of the state from where you are.

[marbleloser]

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Your lawyer is right.It's the worst mistake you can make. Find a room,change the lock,and make it your own to sleep in.

Get a digital recorder and keep it running all of the time your stbx is in the home or around you.

Do not listen to the GAL! ONLY move out once your lawyer gives you the go ahead.

[marbleloser]

The "discreet" recorder will help capture the "real mom" and it can be used in case she escalates and tries the domestic abuse card.

[momtara]

yeah, she might falsely accuse you of domestic violence if you stay, so do carry a small voice recorder, and make sure it works and has battery power.  get a backup if you can.  they're like $60-$80 each and it's worth it.