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Author Topic: Working to control my own addiction to Drama  (Read 308 times)
growing_wings
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« on: February 07, 2014, 05:58:40 AM »

Hello all L6,

I have been working with my T about my own addition to Drama and i want to share my experience so far.

Part of my childhood (few years) was lived in a highly volatile environment, where fear was present, as a result, as with any kid, i adapted to survive this environment and got used to, i normalized it. ALthough I am proud of what i have achieved so far with my life considering some areas of my upbringing, i was not aware that growing in a drama filled environment made me see this "normal" and as a "home", so when i grew up and became an independent adult, i unconsciously looked to continue living with Drama... . as it was familiar with me.

I know recognize the attitudes my mother had (there was ALWAYS drama around her life, with her bosses, her friends, her r/s,m wiht us as kids, everything), i dont blame her, she had her own childhood remanents, but this allowed me to see that i was doing something similar as a grown up. and if i dont do an intervention, i will pass it on to the kids that follow... .

WOrking with my T, he allowed me to see which roles i assumed, and how involved i was in the drama triangle (Victim/helper/prosecutor), and how i thrived in it. And although my behaviours were not as crazy as those w BPD, i did perform the 3 roles with some of the key people in my life.  I was UNAWARE of this, until the b/u with the pwBPD, my dynamics with her, and her extreme behaviour allowed me to see a "mirror" in a way.

So my big focus right now (and for the past weeks) apart from letting her go, is to NOT give in into drama. Even my therapist told me in a nice way, that i was making the b/u and my longing for her a drama again. Wake up call!

So now, on every interaction that i have, i seek to reduce drama. I dont want to be in that triangle. My T offered me the option to move from the drama triangle to a more adult versoin where expression of feelings are recognized, accepted and communicated properly to those who need to hear them.

At the beginning it was kind of weird be without drama... felt a bit... . boring. BUt the more time passes, the more i like it. as an up and down thing, but at least i manage to catch myself when i try to assume any of the roles of victim, etc

I am grateful I managed to discover this, so i could break the family pattern that has been prevalent for at least a couple of generations. I would not like to pass it again. without the pwBPD, this awareness would not have happened, so i am grateful for this experience.

thanks for letting me share this... .
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Dog biscuit
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2014, 06:36:39 AM »

Thanks for posting/sharing part of your personal journey. Auch, a lot of this hits home for me too... . especially the drama triangle, my shifting roles in it, and my high tolerance for complex and odd behavoir.

Thanks for making me think about this... .
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growing_wings
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2014, 07:40:54 AM »

THanks Biscuit...

yeah, i agree with you. this has been the most eye opening piece of information and awareness that happened to me after all this turmoil and mess... .

my T was very good at making me aware of this in a gentle manner... .

peace!
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happylogist
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2014, 08:08:54 AM »

Growing Wings,

Thanks for raising this point... .

I also think I have internalized drama as an equation of reflection for true feelings. For me boring is not the best word to express how I feel when there is no drama, rather I feel that there are no feelings towards me... . I am from a country where people are very emotional, but even there my family was pretty loud, both in expressing love and anger. No physical violence or anything like that, but a lot of feelings and emotions on the edge. My mom is also very emotional and always in drama, I am the fixer, the role I had from a young age... whereas my dad is often withdrawn emotionally until the moment it hits his chord (anger mainly) or he is a bit drunk (love). Both his expression of anger or love is a bit awkward or too much...  

As I got married to a man who is avoiding conflicts at any costs and does not like to express his emotions in extremes, plus comes from a different cultural background I often felt unloved somehow. There were no enough emotions, I could not see the proof of his feelings besides seeing them in actions... . but those were not enough for me, I needed the drama (translated in my mind to "passion".  I even told him many times that he was with me because I was convenient (  not until I created the biggest drama)... .

I often ask myself why the affair with my uBPDex happened... . There are so many questions to answer and sometimes I feel so lost. But your story made me "connect"...   I never ever thought about any transgression like an affair... . I was ready to leave everything for him and even in my thoughts said the word "serve to him" (there is much for this I guess), but he reason I felt connected to him was probably because of the drama.  Was it because he showed me love? Action-wise there was close to none (he never wanted to be with me, except just occasionally seeing me, recently appeared with the idea to be friends again as we were used to, basically his vision - I am in his life, but no commitments and no responsibilities). But I got drama from him. A lot of it, he was also in drama with himself, so I connected to him on this level as well. He was loving/unloving/loving again, there were words, often even very hurtful, but those were for me evidence for his feelings. I can't think about many people in my life who tortured me as much as he did with words and actions, but at the same time claimed love. I started thinking about me as a masochist recently -  passive aggressive silent treatments and push and pulls... . Drama makes me feel that I am loved or people who are with me are not bored, tired of me... .

I wonder how you manage to get over the subconscious desire to create drama... . I never acknowledge that to myself, when I am in the situation...

Sorry if I hijacked your tread... .  

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seeking balance
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2014, 02:59:10 PM »

Thanks for sharing Growing Wings - good stuff in here all the way around!

Boring and average has been my mantra since realizing this same thing about me... . I kinda went to the point of minimalizing things before balancing out.

When calm is not the norm, it feels odd - so why not drum up some drama, right?

Learning to be balanced has been as much of a discipline as anything else for me... . and sometimes, I still do crave a bit of excitement, that's ok - I have learned "safe" versus "destructive" based on the emotion that I am feeling.  Truly understanding my own emotions has been very important for me in this process.

Good stuff indeed!

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Cumulus
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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2014, 05:31:42 PM »

Awesome post growing wings. I too could relate. I found once the drama was cut out of my life I felt anxiety! The ongoing drama of my childhood years and years of marriage to my xBPDh masked anxiety. I'll take the anxiety any day, it's mine to manage vs the ongoing dramas I had so little control over.
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Somewhere
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2014, 02:17:50 PM »

If your path becomes much like mine . . .

You will likely install new high-gain, early-warning drama sensors, and be able to smell and repulsed as soon as a Drama-Carrier-BPD starts their stuff.

====================

If we were having a Star Trek moment, it may look something like this . . . . .

Somewhere in Deep Relationship Space, aboard the Starship Somewhere.

Opening Scene --

Helmsman:  Captain!  We are sensing a Growing Drama Cloud over by the BPD Nebula. 

Captain:  Shields Up!

Security Officer:  Shields Up!

Captain:  Helm, take evasive action.

Helmsman:  Aye, Sir!

Captain:  Ready the Weapons System.

Weapons Officer:  Weapons Ready.

Captain:  Time to kick back and enjoy some serious calm.

Crew:  All Cheer!


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growing_wings
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« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2014, 06:40:45 AM »

than you all for responding!

Happylogist, thank you for sharing yuor story too... .   i dont know if i get the subconsious desire to create drama... . what i do is i try to be present and avoid making drama, if i start creating drama, i catch myself and i stop... or try to step out and remove myself from the situation. my T says takes a  lot of presence to do this. I am far from done on this topic, but awareness is step 1 i think

SB... i totally agree... if life seems calm, and this is not the norm, lets spice it up with drama... Smiling (click to insert in post), thanks for sharing your story too.

Cumulus... very true.

and Somewhere... i will seek to install that program  

thanks guys! Smiling (click to insert in post) sharing the stories make the jhourney to heal much more real, and does not feel alone
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2014, 07:09:05 AM »

Great insights growing_wings, and everybody!

I can relate to this, too, and just want to mention that when there is drama, we have to react all the time, it keeps us busy and *not* focused on ourselves – it's just automatic coping strategies to get back what we thought we had/never had but always wanted.

When it's calm, there is no drama to pull us out of being with ourselves, and I think that it harder.  For me, it's difficult to know what I really need and want deep down, because I'm so good at suppressing those things in favor of the other person's needs and wants.  It's actually easier for me to engage with a dramatic r/s and use my coping strategies.  Then I can reinforce to myself that I need them to survive, but that just keep the circle of unhealthy behaviors going, and prevents me from changing.  I think we are invested in our habitual strategies much more than we realize.  Change means we have to feel vulnerable, and that's kinda scary. 

Breaking the pattern feels strange, because I don't know how to do for myself what I do (or think I'm doing) for others.  Now, I practice allowing myself to feel that discomfort or anxiety when there's no drama, and try to understand what deep needs and wants are calling out for attention.

Thanks for the great opportunity to reflect! 

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
growing_wings
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« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2014, 11:01:11 AM »

hi heartandwhole,

good point, and inline with the concept of staying "present" thanks for that insight, although i heard my T saying presence was critical to move away from drama, i did not get as clear, and you insight below makes me do a connection.

Drama is a distraction indeed from working in ourselves, and presence allows this.  Presence allows us to recognize feelings, emotions etc that can be hard to take at times... but we need to in order to be self aware... .

thanks for this too!

these conversations are great. thanks!
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Cimbaruns
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2014, 04:33:34 PM »

Thank you all

Heartandwhole... . I think I'm settling into that drama free place... . it is strange and holds a foreign feeling... .

I need to pay attention to what's inside me... .

It's true... . it is almost easier to cope than recognize what's within that needs attention

A learning process... . thank you for helping me with that

Good information while working with my T
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growing_wings
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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2014, 04:40:03 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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