Whoa... 75% sexually or physically abused?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their continued support. Y'all have been life savers lately!

So I just read an article that says 75% of BPDs experienced physical or sexual abuse when they were kids. 75%!

That's huge. I mean. I knew it was a high percentage but that's massive.

So. The reason I bring it up... .

My ex has a weird relationship with her dad. They're drinking buddies. He used to bring over a box of booze every Thursday. That and he took many of the half naked or naked pics she's posted on Facebook. I never thought much of it before til a mutual friend pointed out how weird that is and after I broke it off I realized that is WEIRD.

She's also an ex stripper and was in playboy.

I'm not saying he did anything... . But this is too damned weird. I really feel like someone did... .

Thanks for listening as always. I'm not going into white knight mode or anything. Just peeling back the layers of the onion... .

[Johnny Alias]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their continued support. Y'all have been life savers lately!

So I just read an article that says 75% of BPDs experienced physical or sexual abuse when they were kids. 75%!

That's huge. I mean. I knew it was a high percentage but that's massive.

So. The reason I bring it up... .

My ex has a weird relationship with her dad. They're drinking buddies. He used to bring over a box of booze every Thursday. That and he took many of the half naked or naked pics she's posted on Facebook. I never thought much of it before til a mutual friend pointed out how weird that is and after I broke it off I realized that is WEIRD.

She's also an ex stripper and was in playboy.

I'm not saying he did anything... . But this is too damned weird. I really feel like someone did... .

Thanks for listening as always. I'm not going into white knight mode or anything. Just peeling back the layers of the onion... .

[Moonie75]

Dissecting the onion will only make your eyes water!

Don't do it!

[mgl210]

If I think over that statistic, I think of my ex... According to her, she was molested possibly by her uncle(her dad's youngest brother). I don't know what to say to that stat... I guess its quite possible... .

MGL

[joethemechanic]

Mine has the worst tale of abuse I have ever heard. And I spent years and years doing volunteer work with the mentally ill. And I know for a fact that what she went through isn't a lie or an exaggeration. I've known her since she was 11 and I was 15. There are some really sick asss out there.

Every time I want to end it with her, I remember what she went through. Now I"m 52 and she is 48. I don't know what to think really

[fromheeltoheal]

Neglect can also be the trauma that causes the disorder.  BPD occurs because someone doesn't successfully detach from their caregiver and weather the subsequent abandonment depression; that can have many causes, and is why it's an attachment disorder.  Of course other disorders can be comorbid.

[myself]

It's sad but not surprising. Look at all the trust and control issues. The pain and shame.

[buddy1226]

Glad you brought that up. Mine has a very messed up childhood and was a runaway. Says she lost her virginity at age 12. Mental illness runs deep in her family. Everyone on her mothers side is mentally ill.heard  I always suspected some type of sexual trauma but she never came forth with it. She did sy all her mothers boyfriends would molest her. She;s the most extreme case of BPD I've heard of and everything I hear that factors into it she has had a healthy dose at some point. This is what tugs at my heart strings and makes me feel sorry for her.

[lucyhoneychurch]

My mother described very sad times of no one noticing that her brother's friends had done things to her - her mother and father were dealing with an older sister's cancer when she was 12 and 13... . this was in '30s when not only was cancer not discussed (her mother died of it and she only found out after, so hush hush back then) but rape and molestation even more taboo subjects.

She was so so creepy around my little brothers, very very inappropriate comments or somehow managing to be around house wiht nothing on and then screaming at them for "looking" well you know... . where were little boys supposed to look when Flintstones are on TV but your naked mother just traipsed through the room? 

With my sister and me very shame blame ugly comments about what men would want to do to us, but never safekeeping us with where we were or what was going on - she really didn't want to know.

My dear friend that has really brought me here, after 2 years on the 11th of attempting to be intimate and he won't even hold my hand or kiss my cheek, it's like starvation mode for me to be around someone I love and not have even the most minimal contact - every man has been like that, I initiate even hand holding  :'(

My dear friend I believe might've been subjected to some things when his mother died when he was only 18 months yet he lived with a drunken, partying father until age 6 when his negative, critical aunt took him in. I think his father might've done things in front of him that he could not understand and shouldn't have had to   :'(

He is 61 and still describes all the women, all the drinking, all the ugly comments. So whatever it was like, he was miserable and has made such terrible choices, just like I have, with the women he's married.

He loathes women actually.

Sees them only as "boobs" (I'm lacking in that dept ) and "asses" and says such inappropriate things to me when some woman will walk by us that I first of all don't need to hear since I don't compare at all and so so wrong on a "date" if you can even call it that.

Women are objects to him.

In my mind, the only way you objectify humans as just sexual shapes or parts is when someone did that to you as well.

Nothing gentle in him except towards his dogs.

He feels safe enough to love them unconditionally, especially the old one, because they will never try to "burn him down." That is what he thinks every human except very old old people, also his only safe folks, do.

Trauma will make you run forever even from the whiff of familiar dangers.  :'(

So yes, I see both physical and/or sexual abuses, emotional sometimes being the absolute travesty that dooms them, as key.

[growing_wings]

interesting statistic.

i dont deny pwBPD go through a lot of pain during critical stages in life... . however, that does not mean they can expect to own people's lives to satisfy the emptiness they feel. THere are examples of pwBPD that seek professional help to heal and get better, it is personal responsibility to deal with our own healing so we dont damage others. the fact that some pwBPD use their sexual abuse past as a way to manipulate and keep people by their side is not an integrous thing to do. this is called manipulation, and of course, IF people who are non BPD choose to stay for this only, then is their decision and they assume the consequences, but maybe the non's shoudl question if they are not using this as an excuse to stay in the mad dance that is having a BPDr/s, i know i did stay longer than i should because of "her abused past... ", i think i was using that as an excuse to mask my own neediness and run away from working on myself.

Without wanting to discredit the stats, mine told me she was sexually abused when she was a teenager. in one luci moment she told me she actually wasnt abused... . (HUH?). how can you believe them?

in a nutshell, i understand they are very damaged people, but an adult person with the rigth responsibility and emotional growth would take care of their own healing needs, without expecting others to cope with their erratic behaviours.

i am seeking to heal from my own stuff myself. I dont expect others to heal me (anymore).

[Arctic Monkey]

I know my ex was definitely, without a doubt, severely neglected from early childhood and also experienced sexual and emotional abuse. Both parents mentally ill, mother almost certainly borderline herself with psychopathic traits.

But one of the things I found most weird was that my ex was still play wrestling with her son on the bed when he was 14. To her it wasn't sexual, it was just playing (she wasn't allowed to play as a child, because she was the only girl she had to do household chores). But it just seemed wrong to me, and uncomfortable to watch.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I agree. That is really creepy that her dad was taking half naked pics of her.

My exBPDbf's family was so weird. Most of the time, he called his dad by his first name instead of Dad. His dad physically abused him and his brother and his mom. His dad was an alcoholic that was never around. His dad actually told him that he cheated on his mom with a secretary many years ago. Why would you tell your son that? Mom is biploar and would get drunk and have conversations with herself out loud. His mom goes days without speaking to his dad and his brother does the same thing to his wife. His parents and brother/sis in law all have been physically violent towards each other. His sister in law would come into work in tears because she couldn't take the silent treatment from his brother anymore. My ex gave me the silent treatment all the time. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Mental illness and drug abuse/alcholism run deep in his mom and dad's family.

[Somewhere]

Since it is "self-reported" it is a little bit hard to say when the "information" is coming from BPD land.

Like some one mentioned above some tales are recanted, and some are just changed out.

Not being harsh, but I came from an "abuse" background, and as part of the drama -- Mrs. Somewhere "copied" (part of the mirror stuff, I guess) some of that.  Later turned out not so.

Just nutzo. 

Could be this crosses into "False Memory" issues, but who knows.  I guess BPD are supposed to know when they are making up lies -- but even that is whacky.  Mrs. Somewhere picked up a Compulsive Lying Addiction after returning from Eating Disorder Rehab, last year.

Always something.  If not two or three things.

[Madison66]

Without wanting to discredit the stats, mine told me she was sexually abused when she was a teenager. in one luci moment she told me she actually wasnt abused... . (HUH?). how can you believe them?

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years told me on our fourth date that she had been sexually abused by a female HS coach when she was 16.  She also told me I was the only person she had ever told up 'til that point other than a T.  I believe this was part of the "victim hook" process.  During our first round of couple's T, the T separated us and did individual sessions with my ex gf to deal with the shame and pain from the sexual abuse.  My ex gf told me this in a moment of clarity and said the abuse was at the root of her issues (extreme defensiveness, emotional dysregulation, poor self image, issues with r/s, etc.).  Within a couple weeks, we had a rough couple's T and she quit going all together.  After this, she refused to talk much about it and even stated emphatically in a round 3 couples T session that her and her new individual T agreed that she didn't suffer any long term effects from the abuse.  After I finally cut the cord a couple months ago, my T (who was our first round couple's T) said the abuse story may have been a lie. 

Bottom-line, my ex gf never demonstrated the ability or motivation to really dig in and do the work to deal with her issues.  Sexual abuse or no abuse, she projected those issues on to me and wouldn't take responsibility for her words and actions.  I've also read the statistics about trauma and lack of attachment early on contributing to BPD and other PD's like NPD.  It doesn't matter to me anymore.  I was a willing participant in the r/s and am now only worried about me and my well being.  Nothing will change with her and that is why I'm no longer in the r/s.

[mywifecrazy]

I would be careful believing any stories of childhood  ever again, especially if you suspect the person to have BPD.

My uBPDxw told me early in our relationship that she was molested by her father and brother. She was so convincing with the crying and waking up in the middle of the night crying. She also told me she was physically abused and raped by the boyfriend she was with when I meet her. 18yrs later after being married and having 2 kids with her I found out all these stories were lies... . How did I find out you ask? Because I caught her in bed with my neighbor and found out she was telling him that I beat on her and my kids and that I raped her! I'm also,finding out that she lies about everything, even little things that don't make any sense that she would lie about. But she does! They are truly SICK people!

[Somewhere]

Typical.

[ShadowDancer]

At this juncture in my personal healing I am not as quick to criticize and validate my own hurt and bewilderment by judgement and anger as I was some months ago. In reading this thread and the described self destructive features of the chosen roads traveled by these people a great welling of sorrow and compassion arose in my heart and mind concerning the hopelessness of their reality weather it be factual lies or not. As we all know a lie told over and over takes on a life of its own and in their world lies and rewritten history does indeed become a reality of their own delusion.

Please try to remember this is a mental and spiritual deficiency which may entail catastrophic and horrific consequences to the afflicted and also those around them. It beginnings and endings are created during childhood and continue unresolved and symptomatic during the whole duration of their lives thereafter. They generally were wounded during a very critical and vulnerable stage of development. From the Latin word vulnare, to wound, vulnerability is our susceptibility to be wounded. This fragility is part of our nature and cannot be escaped. The best the brain can do is to shut down conscious awareness of it when pain becomes so vast or unbearable that it threatens our capacity to function. The automatic repression of painful emotion is a helpless child's prime defense mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma that would otherwise be catastrophic. The unfortunate consequence is the wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.

Intuitively we all here know that it's better to feel than not to feel. Beyond their subjective energizing charge, emotions have crucial survival value. They orient us, interpret the world for us, and offer us vital information. They tell us what is dangerous and what is benign, what threatens our existence and what will nurture our growth. Imagine how disabled we would be if we could not see or hear or taste or sense heat or cold or physical pain. Emotional shut down is similar. Our emotions are an essential part of our sensory apparatus and an essential part of who we are. They make life worthwhile, exciting, challenging, beautiful, and meaningful.

The wondrous power of PD thinking is to offer these vulnerable wounded the protection of emotional and spiritual pain while at the same time enabling them to engage the world with a modicum of excitement and meaning. It is a profound survival strategy in response to an emotional emptiness that we may not be capable of even imagining.

Our dilemma, is when we flee our vulnerability, we lose our full capacity for feeling emotion. We may even become emotional amnesiacs, not remembering ever having felt truly elated or truly sad. A nagging void opens and we experience it as alienation, as a profound ennui, as the sense of deficient emptiness which perhaps leaves us to reconciling this void through judgement and anger or the pining for the loss and regret of our own self imposed delusions. My direction of reply is to remind myself as we stand and watch them go down their self destructive life paths that I am so fortunate in knowing that for perhaps a simple twist of fate in the grace of this one life... . there go I.

[Conundrum]

So well articulated ShadowDancer ^  the notion of grace.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Neglect can also be the trauma that causes the disorder.  BPD occurs because someone doesn't successfully detach from their caregiver and weather the subsequent abandonment depression; that can have many causes, and is why it's an attachment disorder.  Of course other disorders can be comorbid.

My gf was taken away from her drug addict (BPD IMO) mother when she was 18 months old. Her grandfather told her that it took two months for her diaper rash to completely heal up. Can you imagine the pain and horror for a helpless baby to experience something like that? Laying there for hours on end burning like that with no relief. No wonder they are damaged to their core.

[ShadowDancer]

At this juncture in my personal healing I am not as quick to criticize and validate my own hurt and bewilderment by judgement and anger as I was some months ago. In reading this thread and the described self destructive features of the chosen roads traveled by these people a great welling of sorrow and compassion arose in my heart and mind concerning the hopelessness of their reality weather it be factual lies or not. As we all know a lie told over and over takes on a life of its own and in their world lies and rewritten history does indeed become a reality of their own delusion.

Please try to remember this is a mental and spiritual deficiency which may entail catastrophic and horrific consequences to the afflicted and also those around them. It beginnings and endings are created during childhood and continue unresolved and symptomatic during the whole duration of their lives thereafter. They generally were wounded during a very critical and vulnerable stage of personal and psychological development. From the Latin word vulnare, to wound, vulnerability is our susceptibility to be wounded. This fragility is part of our nature and cannot be escaped. The best the brain can do is to shut down conscious awareness of it when pain becomes so vast or unbearable that it threatens our capacity to function. The automatic repression of painful emotion is a helpless child's prime defense mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma that would otherwise be catastrophic. The unfortunate consequence is the wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.

Intuitively we all here know that it's better to feel than not to feel. Beyond their subjective energizing charge, emotions have crucial survival value. They orient us, interpret the world for us, and offer us vital information. They tell us what is dangerous and what is benign, what threatens our existence and what will nurture our growth. Imagine how disabled we would be if we could not see or hear or taste or sense heat or cold or physical pain. Emotional shut down is similar. Our emotions are an essential part of our sensory apparatus and an essential part of who we are. They make life worthwhile, exciting, challenging, beautiful, and meaningful.

The wondrous power of PD thinking is to offer these vulnerable wounded the protection of emotional and spiritual pain while at the same time enabling them to engage the world with a modicum of excitement and meaning. It is a profound survival strategy in response to an emotional emptiness that we may not be capable of even imagining.

Our dilemma, is when we flee our vulnerability, we lose our full capacity for feeling emotion. We may even become emotional amnesiacs, not remembering ever having felt truly elated or truly sad. A nagging void opens and we experience it as alienation, as a profound ennui, as the sense of deficient emptiness which perhaps leaves us to reconciling this void through judgement and anger or the pining for the loss and regret of our own self imposed delusions. My direction of reply is to remind myself as we stand and watch them go down their self destructive life paths that I am so fortunate in knowing that for perhaps a simple twist of fate in the grace of this one life... . there go I.

[ShadowDancer]

Oops... . pushed the wrong key... . sorry for the double post!

[fromheeltoheal]

Very healthy and healing words ShadowDancer, thank you.  We are doing well when we can muster compassion and empathy for sufferers of personality disorders.

[glacier_glider]

So I just read an article that says 75% of BPDs experienced physical or sexual abuse when they were kids. 75%!

I'd love to read this article. Link please!

She's also an ex stripper and was in playboy.

Nice!

[Johnny Alias]

www.cindylellis.wordpress.com/mental-health-issues/borderline-personality-disorder/

Here is the link. Enjoy.

[glacier_glider]

www.cindylellis.wordpress.com/mental-health-issues/borderline-personality-disorder/

Here is the link. Enjoy.

Thanks!

I remember reading this article last year.

The BPD that I had my experience with is highly-functional and very narcissistic.

When some super-weird sh!t happened for the first time, I remember asking her whether she was abused when she was a child. She said, "No! Never!".

Yet, being with her for 4 years, I never heard any details about her childhood. She just never talked about it.

I've had 3 months long relationships and knew many details of person's childhood.