I suspect my ex BPDgf is going to get a marriage proposal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ugh.  I truly genuinely suspect that my ex BPDgf is going to get a marriage proposal from this new guy in two days.  They've been together 6 months. 

I know i shouldn't care, but i do. 

It flies in the face of all logic.  I know it doesn't mean anything.  In all seriousness more of her evil would probably come out because she knows hes a captive.  They already live together.  An engagement would mean she can manipulate and toy with him as much as she wants.  As we got more and more serious the more her rage and princess complex entitlement issues would come out.  This happened with you guys right?  I mean... . Still kind of holding onto the idea that it was me somehow... . So hard to let that go... . God I'm codependent.   

Stupid valentine's day.  Doesn't matter that i had a good date last night with a cutie and saw my therapist on Monday.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her. 

Might be time for half a Xanax.  Just can't tow the line today. 

[Johnny Alias]

Ugh.  I truly genuinely suspect that my ex BPDgf is going to get a marriage proposal from this new guy in two days.  They've been together 6 months. 

I know i shouldn't care, but i do. 

It flies in the face of all logic.  I know it doesn't mean anything.  In all seriousness more of her evil would probably come out because she knows hes a captive.  They already live together.  An engagement would mean she can manipulate and toy with him as much as she wants.  As we got more and more serious the more her rage and princess complex entitlement issues would come out.  This happened with you guys right?  I mean... . Still kind of holding onto the idea that it was me somehow... . So hard to let that go... . God I'm codependent.   

Stupid valentine's day.  Doesn't matter that i had a good date last night with a cutie and saw my therapist on Monday.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her. 

Might be time for half a Xanax.  Just can't tow the line today. 

[In_n_Out]

I know that this won't help you but I'm feeling that the same thing is coming for mine.  Maybe not in a few days but eventually.  My ex has never been married and her biggest validation issue (from her parents) is that she *finally* finds some sucker that will marry her so that she can prove to them that she is actually marriage material.  I was almost that sucker (we were engaged).  I think that she hung with me much longer than usual because she feels that at her age (43) she is coming down to her last few chances.  Her longest r/s before me was 18 mos.  We lasted 3.5 years and I know for a fact that she would of fled much sooner but fought herself like crazy to just stick it out.  She was introduced to my replacement and she saw an opening and took it.  So I know that she's going to hang on to him like a possessed bullrider in the hopes that he will marry her sick a$$.

Maybe if mine and yours does get married, it will finally close the door for us.  We'll know that IF they did come back for a recycle, it would for selfish reasons and it would show us the lying, cheating people that they are. 

I secretly pray that the day comes when she flees my replacement and comes crying to me saying "you're right, you were always right" and I will just smirk and say, "well duhhhhhhhhhh!  Get your butt back to your T and now you may leave me alone forever".  That day will probably never come but she's told me a number of times "you were right" and I know that once her current r/s falls apart, she *perhaps* will think "damn, he WAS right!".  Who knows.

[Moonie75]

Read the many many stories here guys about Valentines being a trigger for pwBPD.

I can't remember a valentines with my ex that went well! Can you with yours?

If they're closely attached enough to consider marriage, well you consider this... . Valentines will be a big a$$ trigger & any romantic plans are very likely to be sabotaged by the disorder!

Celebrating love, when they can't feel it must be a day from hell for them!

Trust me

Moonie

[buddy1226]

I know it's hard, Johnny. The fact that she is living with someone would be tough for me. But at that point why does it matter if they get married?

Listen, from what you've told us her new relationship is a train wreck. I'm giving thus new guy more credit than that. I din't think he is even thinking marriage. We tent to let our minds get carried away when it comes to the replacement. I sent a text last week to what I thought was my replacement and made a fool of myself. The guy was like what the heck, man... If your replacement has an inkling of common sense he's probably dreading VTD like us. He has to deal with her crazy ass and you know what a joy that can be.

Moonie nailed it. VTD  was always bad for us. Her disorder sabatoged it like everything else

[dreamofpeace]

I am feeling very frustrated this morning, feeling pressures from the uBPD ex - to respond to his emails and I'm feeling attacked, so keep that in mind as I write the rest... . but as tough as missing someone can be and VD can be a day to focus on "love" - just remember, as it is, "We've been spared!" Let someone else have them and the pain, pressures, drama... .

I can't imagine a pwBPD being easy to be engaged to or marry, the triggers all that could bring up for them could be immense!

Thanks for listening to me on this frustrating morning... . : )

[dreamofpeace]

And Johnny, I do hope you feel better! maybe do something extra nice for yourself for VD... I figure I am not spending any money on a man that I'm with, so I get to spend it on what I want for me. I'm doing the best I can to treat myself the way I would want a bf to treat me... . it does seem to be helping me a little bit. There is so much less drama for me this way... . and at least it's just another day and will be over soon. : )

[Johnny Alias]

You guys are right to a degree.  Many days that were supposed to be fun were destroyed by her disorder... . vacations, christmas, new years, july 4th... . but valentines day was never one.  

I'm not being logical.  I know that.  There is a great deal going on that is broken in Looney Country.  Long time friends of hers gone because she raged at them, him getting arrested in a bar fight, him freaking out on her because she left a party early one night and thought she came to my house (he was about to come over and confront me if you can believe it... . homeboy needs to lay off the juice), them showing up at a mutual friends house strung out on coke... . there's more... .

I think she also, at 43, is realizing this is her last shot so she is trying to be on her best behavior and mirror his aggression and paranoia as much as possible.  It must take huge amounts of energy for her.  But let's be serious... . she was married before and cheated on her husband... . WITH ME.  A ring shouldn't matter.  To non personality disordered individuals we take these moments seriously... . and think that YES this could last forever between a couple... . but it's all just a part of the excitement and drama.  All part of the fantasy.

Actually putting the ring on and getting to the marriage date is a HUGE obstacle as the bad stuff really comes out when they think they have the victim locked down.  Even if the nuptials are said... . well, there's nothing stopping her from running around then either... . or him from what I've heard.  

Man... . its just weird.  When she moved in with him I remember our final meeting... . she made a point of telling me he has money.  :)uring one of our fights when we together she said "I was raised tradiitionally.  I think a man should pay for everything!"  One of the many reasons I broke up with her... . and she tried to get me back before jumping to this dude... .

Whatever.  The gal who spent the night at my house last night just texted me saying she walked my dog.  That was nice... .

Thanks guys.  Needed to hear someone just cares... . and you guys get it.  A lifetime of rage, seething anger, etc would have killed us.  My friends mom is a BPD and his dad is and always has been a train wreck due to this.  He became an alcoholic, an uninterested dad, and to this day is a shell.  30 years.  She still goes off on him and all he can say to her is "What do I have to do to make it stop?"  he bribes her spends the night in hotels... . truly a shadow of a person... .

God.  :)on't be that guy Johnny.  :)on't do it.  

[Moonie75]

Johnny,

My T told me something I never thought but agreed with soon as she said it.

"Moonie. We predict our fears will happen. Our predictions are often built off our fears & rarely built on logic. We all have a masochistic side & when we feel fear that masochism gets to stretch it's legs. It's also a self defense mechanism to prepare us for the worst. The best way to prepare for the worst is to believe our fear based prediction will become a reality. Our fears are often lacking logic though. When you predict something that will hurt. Sit with it & manually apply logic to your prediction, the fear will subside & we often end up retracting the prediction entirely."


Very similar to BPD... . With the exception of the last bit. We can sit with a thought & apply logical consideration. PwBPD cannot!

Paid £50 to hear that & it was worth every penny mate!

[Mutt]

Ugh.  I truly genuinely suspect that my ex BPDgf is going to get a marriage proposal from this new guy in two days.  They've been together 6 months. 

I know i shouldn't care, but i do. 

It flies in the face of all logic.  I know it doesn't mean anything.  In all seriousness more of her evil would probably come out because she knows hes a captive.  They already live together.  An engagement would mean she can manipulate and toy with him as much as she wants.  As we got more and more serious the more her rage and princess complex entitlement issues would come out.  This happened with you guys right?  I mean... . Still kind of holding onto the idea that it was me somehow... . So hard to let that go... . God I'm codependent.   

Stupid valentine's day.  Doesn't matter that i had a good date last night with a cutie and saw my therapist on Monday.  I can't seem to stop thinking about her. 

Might be time for half a Xanax.  Just can't tow the line today. 

My ex kept pressuring me into marrying her and I kept holding it off by saying let's way etc... .

I married her thinking that maybe her childish antics would subside, maybe she will grow up and settle down. It's no walk in the park when you get engaged / married to a BPD.

Reflecting back on it now and knowing what I know about BPD, I would have thought that marriage would absolve her "abandonment issues" but this is when things took a serious turn into the hater phase and it was game over within 4-5 years.

[love4meNOTu]

Aww Johnny, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

It's hard when we think that they are going to change with their new victim. They don't. Same person, same disorder, different victim.

My ex is probably married by now to his new one, and good luck to them. I couldn't hack it. I did not want to be married to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me. She may stay or she will go, who knows. They might live happily ever after. It has nothing to do with me anymore.

It's all a sham anyway. He didn't love me, he doesn't love her and he won't love the next. That's the disorder. He needs, he does not love.

So, let your ex need him all she likes. I personally want the real thing not a parasitic leech. Don't you?

Hugs,

L

[santa]

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I'm sure my ex will marry someone eventually... . and she's going to make that guy's life a living hell.

[ShadowDancer]

If that scenario was in the cards for me... . I'd toast the happy couple and gift him with a blind fold.

Ready... . Aim... . Misery!

[Phoenix.Rising]

My ex did marry after we split up for the upteenth time.  When I found out through a third part unexpectedly, I was really not too surprised.  I actually expected it.  She is a physically beautiful woman.  This is her third marriage.  I wanted to make things work with her but it just wasn't happening.  I could see the misery ahead if I married her and opted not to ask her.  I did buy an engagement ring near the end but never presented it to her or asked her.  I believe it would never have worked.  I would have gone down the tubes emotionally.  My anxiety was already way too high and her drinking was out of control. 

Intimacy triggers them so the dance you play with them while in a relationship is endless.  Push-pull, push-pull.  You have to accept that and probably always feel like the relationship might come to an end.  I did love her, but it was madness.  I began to hate her and myself in the end.  It was heaven turned to hell.  I realize now that I played just as much a role in the dysfunctional relationship as she did. 

She is not the enemy.  She is doing the best she can with what she's been given, although she chooses not to look at herself.  She is still running.  I heard the man she's married to drinks a lot and was in prison for drugs.  It really doesn't matter, though.  The fact is that she is hurting.  I was hurting, and I'm trying to heal.  I am healing.  All that to say, if your ex does marry this man consider it a blessing for you.  There is less temptation to reconnect with her and more reason for you to leave her behind and get on with living your life.  She is not the key to your salvation.  And if you did (do) love her, then you will wish her well.  Peace.

[Moonie75]

On valentines, a pwBPD is more likely to attack their partner than desire to marry them!

[santa]

My ex did marry after we split up for the upteenth time.  When I found out through a third part unexpectedly, I was really not too surprised.  I actually expected it.  She is a physically beautiful woman.  This is her third marriage.  I wanted to make things work with her but it just wasn't happening.  I could see the misery ahead if I married her and opted not to ask her.  I did buy an engagement ring near the end but never presented it to her or asked her.  I believe it would never have worked.  I would have gone down the tubes emotionally.  My anxiety was already way too high and her drinking was out of control. 

Intimacy triggers them so the dance you play with them while in a relationship is endless.  Push-pull, push-pull.  You have to accept that and probably always feel like the relationship might come to an end.  I did love her, but it was madness.  I began to hate her and myself in the end.  It was heaven turned to hell.  I realize now that I played just as much a role in the dysfunctional relationship as she did. 

She is not the enemy.  She is doing the best she can with what she's been given, although she chooses not to look at herself.  She is still running.  I heard the man she's married to drinks a lot and was in prison for drugs.  It really doesn't matter, though.  The fact is that she is hurting.  I was hurting, and I'm trying to heal.  I am healing.  All that to say, if your ex does marry this man consider it a blessing for you.  There is less temptation to reconnect with her and more reason for you to leave her behind and get on with living your life.  She is not the key to your salvation.  And if you did (do) love her, then you will wish her well.  Peace.

This is total wisdom. Thank you for the post.

[ShadowDancer]

Yes very wise! And I would like to add... . If you let go of someone with PD that you love... . and it comes back... . that just means no one else wants it.

[Johnny Alias]

My ex kept pressuring me into marrying her and I kept holding it off by saying let's way etc... .

I married her thinking that maybe her childish antics would subside, maybe she will grow up and settle down. It's no walk in the park when you get engaged / married to a BPD.

Reflecting back on it now and knowing what I know about BPD, I would have thought that marriage would absolve her "abandonment issues" but this is when things took a serious turn into the hater phase and it was game over within 4-5 years.

Thanks all... . especially Mutt... . this resonated with me.  When we were on our last recycle I bought the house I'm in right now and moved her in thinking this is what will calm her down.  Plans for the future... . a family... . all that jazz... .

Needless to say that didn't happen.  The rages just wore me down to nothing.  I tried reasoning with her, begging her, asked her to see a therapist, cut back on her drinking, avoiding her on pms weeks, getting her a scrip of xanax to help with her axiety... . nothing worked.  Nothing.

Hard to admit that.  I know I made my mistakes which I'm trying to correct in every way possible... . but deep down I know it still wouldn't have been enough for her... .

My friend said to me before he died... . you guys will get divorced in 4 or 5 years.  Couples simply shouldn't fight this much and he was right.  It's also weird to think that in 5 years she'll be 48 and I''ll be 43... . they say that shouldnt matter... . but i think it does on top of everything else... . which was a LOT.  Thank god she's not younger.  Despite all my rationalizing her behavior that sticks out in my mind.  That age gap was big.  As she lost her looks further than she has she would have been on me CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on her etc.  I never did EVER but she always thought that was happening.  Complete paranoia. 

And the drinking would have gotten worse.  I know that now.  I hear she's just a constant raging alcoholic now... . even worse than when we were together... . sad.