Do you keep it a secret?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Do you keep your pwBPDs diagnosis or issues secret from your family or friends?

My dBPDgf doesn't want anyone to know.  Yet inevitably, I've had to share a few things with my friends or family, and now she does not want to spend time with them.  In my mind, I only share what affect me.  Such as the abuse, the financial issues, and other things that I need advice on.  I don't trash her behind her back or badmouth her.  But I did tell my friends after the first few rages and episode of physical abuse, because I needed to ask them if I could stay at their place if things got bad.  And I told my dad what was going on because my family was confused and hurt because I could not attend a family function because of my GFs hospitalization.  And I gave my brother advice after his wife attempted suicide and was diagnosed BPD, and I shared what I have been dealing with.

I'm just curious if you keep all this stuff to yourself, or do people close to you know?  And if the latter, do you keep that a secret from your pwBPD, and if your pwBPD does know that others know, how does he/she handle it?

[maxsterling]

Do you keep your pwBPDs diagnosis or issues secret from your family or friends?

My dBPDgf doesn't want anyone to know.  Yet inevitably, I've had to share a few things with my friends or family, and now she does not want to spend time with them.  In my mind, I only share what affect me.  Such as the abuse, the financial issues, and other things that I need advice on.  I don't trash her behind her back or badmouth her.  But I did tell my friends after the first few rages and episode of physical abuse, because I needed to ask them if I could stay at their place if things got bad.  And I told my dad what was going on because my family was confused and hurt because I could not attend a family function because of my GFs hospitalization.  And I gave my brother advice after his wife attempted suicide and was diagnosed BPD, and I shared what I have been dealing with.

I'm just curious if you keep all this stuff to yourself, or do people close to you know?  And if the latter, do you keep that a secret from your pwBPD, and if your pwBPD does know that others know, how does he/she handle it?

[HopefulDad]

While my BPDw has been diagnosed, she is unaware of the diagnosis.  I've shared the diagnosis with my family, but one key point is that they are on the other side of the country so there is a natural boundary, both physical and social.  Prior to revealing the diagnosis to them, I did reveal the abuse and other dysfunction I had to put up with and my wife is aware of that.  I reassured her that my family does not judge and cares for her a lot.  She seems okay with this... . on the days when they are painted white and not black.

Locally, I've only told one friend I used to work with and does not run in our social circle.  He and his family have met my wife (he and I take our same age girls to the park here and there), so there's some familiarity.  But otherwise I've kept things quiet locally amongst our joint friends and her family.

I've come close to saying something to her best friend as she's the most aware of our maritial problems and has been a great source of support for my wife without judging.  But I don't want to burden her or scare her on how she thinks she needs to be around her BPD friend.

[wishfulthinking]

My BPD/NPDh is not aware of his diagnosis, either.  Our MC told me during one of our sessions the H skipped out on.  I have my best friend that knows about the diagnosis and that we fight, but not about the severity of some of the fights.  She knows the worst 2 fights we had because the police were called and she lives across the street from me.  Other people don't know and think things are pretty good at home.  Some of my good friends can tell something is up, but they don't know the whole story.  I would never tell his family of his diagnosis because they would tell him.  They all like drama and I stay away as much as possible.  I get blamed enough from him, I don't need it from them, too.

So, in short... . YES, big secret.

[Waddams]

i wouldn't tell many people.  i'd keep it to a very select group of people that are able to understand it is an illness, and are willing to be supportive of you AND HER in ways you want them to support you.  in other words, the people that are your back ups - places to stay if you need to bug out, etc.  but also people that will understand she's not all bad and are willing to walk up to her and hug her and support her and her recovery from her condition, even after a bad episode.  people that won't judge her harshly.  and people that can keep a secret themselves. 

in the end, for her own recovery, it's important that she know there are others in her life that are aware of her condition, and supportive of her, and not judgmental. 

there really aren't a lot of people like that out there, though.  so be very careful with this. 

[Wrongturn1]

I haven't told anyone, not even my sister, who is an M.D. psychiatrist (she lives far away and is not around my uBPDw enough to catch on for herself).  Since my wife has not been diagnosed by a professional, I feel like there's a good chance that anyone I told would think I was the mentally ill one (uBPDw is high-functioning and puts up a charming front in social situations... . nobody else sees what I see behind closed doors).

[empathic]

I kept it a secret for a long time. Felt that I had to let my parents in on it after a holiday we had together a few years ago where my wife was in a bad mood the entire time. My parents live quite close to us and at one point in time my wife and them got along great (or so it seemed), my wife and mother talking on the phone now and then etc.

Nowadays I mostly go see my parents myself, or with the kids. My wife meets them when she "has to", i.e. for certain holidays etc. She is now in denial about my parents helping out a lot when the kids were small, while her own parents did close to nothing.

I haven't told anyone else, not even my sister, although she's probably suspecting something is wrong. My wife is very high functioning and comes off as very social and friendly when talking to others. She's in a way "childlike" and I think that is what people like.

[DiamondSW]

Yes,

I didn't ever 'know' her diagnosis, but I knew her weekly trips to the psychiatrist and when I looked up where it was, everything made sense to BPD.  "For patients with severe or acute mental health issues"

I kept all the rage, nasty comments and gaslighting/silent treatment a secret.

Felt v ashamed.  Just couldn't understand what was happeningto me and why she was acting like she was.  Blamed myself for everything.  She never was honest with me and kept on saying I was 'disrespectful' (so deserved it?)  

Still feel ashamed that I took it.  

[JMS]

Since my wife has not been diagnosed by a professional, I feel like there's a good chance that anyone I told would think I was the mentally ill one (uBPDw is high-functioning and puts up a charming front in social situations... . nobody else sees what I see behind closed doors).

This is my situation... . a lot of people who meet my wife later tell me how charming she is, they would never suspect that she has issues or what goes on when we're alone.

She's even got my parents thinking that I have anger issues (which I do as a result of what I've been dealing with) and that she actually cares about me when she criticises me about various things.