I gave in to the anger

[NyGirl8]

Ugh, I did it, and I have mixed emotions about it.  My uBPD/NPD ex husband just makes me insane and I let him win!  We have been recycling since 2011 when I finally sought out individual therapy for being on the verge of a breakdown.  That therapist said he was an alcoholic and I just needed to push the "no drinking" and she eluded that all would be fine.  Nope, it wasn't.  He stopped for a period and then said I was controlling.  Then he started again. 

We have recycled 4 times.  In the middle of it all he instigated a huge custody battle.  I won primary custody and he has visitation.  He is also ordered not to drink when the girls are in his custody.

So, the final, and I do mean LAST recycle occurred this past Thanksgiving when he agreed to having a rage problem.  He even went so far as to get on meds for it!  I fell for it!  But, he backtracked at the end of Jan. and called me controlling. 

Prior to coming back to me he was seeing a woman with two kids.  He ended it with her to come back to me, which is what he told the girls too. 

Three days after he left here, he had that woman right back into his and their life.  It KILLS me that my daughters were a witness to all this and think that it is ok to treat women like this!  KILLS me, and yes, it certainly hurts me as well.  But I am trying hard to just think of them.

I agreed to let him take them overnight Monday to a water park.  I knew the women would be there with her children and they would be going as a family.  Well, he never told the girls!  I told him they need to know as their world is a little shaky right now and they need warning, even for good/fun things.  I said I would tell them.  Well, I told my daughter and she had questions... . "who is going, where are we staying, and what will we do Tuesday".  I texted him the questions and he texted me back angry about me telling them!  Ahhhhhh... . I told him that he needed to know that my daughter, in her play, said Daddy and "new woman" are just friends.  If he was going to be clearly back together with this women, Shelby needed some prep time!  He called me controlling and it was my controlling and anxiety that I was putting on to them.  Ahhhhhh, I lost it... . I called him a whore and crappy father to show his girls that bed hopping was how to treat women... . I almost didn't let them go.  But, I finally gave in (this is technically my time and I do not need to agree to this trip... . but I know they will have fun).  I am sad my oldest daughter heard (she is 8) through the door that I was upset.  It made her upset.

Ahhhhhhh... . I just want him to go away!

[let-it-go]

Hi NyGirl8,

I am in a very similar situation in that I have 2 daughters with my BPD (soon to be) exH.  My girls are 7 and 9.  I know my ex is seeing other women but I have been fortunate so far in that he has not introduced the girls to her/them.

I've been seeing a therapist to try to work out how to do what's best for my children and learn how to best help them deal with a BPD parent.  One thing my T keeps reminding me is that no matter what I do or say, I cannot control my BPD ex and make him do the right thing.  She also tells me I can't hide his poor behavior from my children... . as I have no control over that. She even goes so far to say that if I do hide it from them now, I'm setting them up for disappointments later in life.  So she challenges me to not try to "fix" the girls father, but to help them understand and learn how to cope and deal with him. 

So how do you explain to young children that their daddy is spending time with a woman that is not their mother... . I don't know the answer to that.  But I do know you can't put the burden on yourself to try to keep him from doing that.  Sadly, nothing you say or do will help.  I don't know about you, but it worries me to death what kind of distorted thoughts my children will have about male/female relationships... . we just have to do the best we can... . one day at a time. 

[NyGirl8]

Ah let-it-go.  Thanks so much for the reply and the insightful words.  I am in tears because you put all my fears into words very eloquently.  I am so much right back in the pain it is hard to see straight.

But, you and your therapist are right.  I am pretty sure my T said a similar thing, but, I am so angry I wasn't listening. 

Thanks so much for the empathy.  It goes a long way in knowing I am not alone in having these concerns.

I will deep breathe and keep on mothering my girls the best I can.

Thanks again!

[Turkish]

A friend of mine snapped me back a bit from reality this past weekend. She said that the best thing I should hope for, and this is the only thing I should be hoping for, is that whoever the other man in my Ex's life is going to be, that he treats my kids well. Nothing else is my business. My friend never liked my Ex from the moment they first met 6 years ago, so I was surprised at this, but it woke me up. The incident you detailed sounds so frustrating... . you may want do use the stipulation as a boundary, and don't get ahead of it. It's nice being nice, but if it means more stress for your girls, then you owe him nothing. Give an inch, take a mile, like the recycles you talked about. And to then have it thrown back in your face... . so frustrating!

[NyGirl8]

I am much more controlled when it is court ordered time that he has.  THAT I clearly can do nothing about.  This is an extra time that I allowed... . I some how feel more responsible because I allowed it.  Does that make sense?  Kind of a stretch I suppose, but, I take my job as a mother very seriously and I feel it is my job to protect my children.  I cannot protect them on his watch anymore... . except with the "no drinking"... . he and I both know this family court judge from the years in front of him with his oldest daughter.  One hint he is drinking and this judge will throw him in jail for 6 months.  I don't quiz my girls, but, I know if something were to happen they would tell me.

But back to the topic, What your friend said Turkish is so very right.  My only exception to it is that it will all become our business as we try to "fix" the hurt and disorder that our children will experience from our disordered exes.  Eventually it will come back to us.  Except now this woman has been dumped when he came back to me.  Yes he is back with her, but, I just know people are human.  Between that and the lies he has told her about me... . I just hope her hate of me isn't taken out on my children now.  But, your friend was correct in that being a stipulation.  And it is what I have told my girls.  They used to ask me if I knew her and liked her.  I always said "no, I don't know her.  But, I don't need to.  All I need to know is that you like her and she treats you nice.  That is what matters to Mommy".

Thanks for the reply!  It helps!

[Turkish]

I am much more controlled when it is court ordered time that he has.  THAT I clearly can do nothing about.  This is an extra time that I allowed... . I some how feel more responsible because I allowed it.  :)oes that make sense?  Kind of a stretch I suppose, but, I take my job as a mother very seriously and I feel it is my job to protect my children.

Ok, you allowed it. Do you think you will think differently the next time?

But back to the topic, What your friend said Turkish is so very right.  My only exception to it is that it will all become our business as we try to "fix" the hurt and disorder that our children will experience from our disordered exes.  Eventually it will come back to us.  Except now this woman has been dumped when he came back to me.  Yes he is back with her, but, I just know people are human.  Between that and the lies he has told her about me... . I just hope her hate of me isn't taken out on my children now.  But, your friend was correct in that being a stipulation.  And it is what I have told my girls.  They used to ask me if I knew her and liked her.  I always said "no, I don't know her.  But, I don't need to.  All I need to know is that you like her and she treats you nice.  That is what matters to Mommy".

I like this, NyGirl8. I will remember this line, as it is a good way of putting it. Validate their feelings, focus on them, then back to you. SET... . Perfect!

[NyGirl8]

Turkish,

This is the crap I hate... . I really, really, really do... . the court order allows me peace and freedom to not have to beat myself up about whether this is right or that is wrong.  Whatever I do at this point he will make me the villan.  My gut says to follow the court order as that is that.  Funny because he is the one who initiated the court battle.  I was still willing to work out visitation outside of court, but, he suddenly filed an emergency request for full custody because I was "mentally unstable".  Yet, he blames me completely.  He even used my Mom as a sitter when he went file the papers... . and he couldn't ever comprehend why she hasn't spoken to him since.

Short answer... . I don't know.  My gut says follow the court order.  He is a master at manipulating me little by little for his benefit... . following the court order lets me rest my mind.

Ugh, long and emotional day.  My girls are at the water park with him and his new family.  I spoke to my oldest daughter and she is having a blast... . I hid my sadness like a master  Hopefully this was the worst of it.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

This is the crap I hate... . I really, really, really do... . the court order allows me peace and freedom to not have to beat myself up about whether this is right or that is wrong.  Whatever I do at this point he will make me the villan.  My gut says to follow the court order as that is that.  Funny because he is the one who initiated the court battle.  I was still willing to work out visitation outside of court, but, he suddenly filed an emergency request for full custody because I was "mentally unstable".  Yet, he blames me completely.  He even used my Mom as a sitter when he went file the papers... . and he couldn't ever comprehend why she hasn't spoken to him since.

Short answer... . I don't know.  My gut says follow the court order.  He is a master at manipulating me little by little for his benefit... . following the court order lets me rest my mind.

Ugh, long and emotional day.  My girls are at the water park with him and his new family.  I spoke to my oldest daughter and she is having a blast... . I hid my sadness like a master  Hopefully this was the worst of it.

Trust your gut. This is a mess of his own making. Let him arrange events around the small amount of time he has with then due to his own actions. If your girls have a good time, try to focus on their happiness... . good job on hiding your sadness, too.

[NyGirl8]

Thanks.  I packed my work day... . 7-7, a good cry and then I should be out    

Really, I appreciate the support!  I hope your day was dramaless!

[Turkish]

Thanks.  I packed my work day... . 7-7, a good cry and then I should be out    

Really, I appreciate the support!  I hope your day was dramaless!

Thank you. My anger is still cycling, but otherwise ok. Get the babes tomorrow for the rest of the week. Good luck!