DCF, male custodial parent , and custody changes

[newlymarried]

My DS5 told my husband and myself about physical abuse at the hands of her mother's bf. My husband is convinced that because he is male that DCF isn't going to believe him or kiddo. He is convinced that DCF is going to give kiddo to her BPDbiomom. She will probably have a lawyer and we cannot afford one. There are 2 states involved in this investigation and he is worried that after 2 days they haven't contacted him. Please help me be able to calm him down. He is sure that soon kiddo will be living full time with her mom and we will just have visitation because DCF isn't sympathetic to male parents and because BPDbiomom knows how to manipulate we will lose the kid.

The stress level in this house is through the roof.

[Waddams]

I'd say that it's hard to get courts and authorities to act, and BPD's are very skilled liars and manipulators.  At the same time, even if he isn't successful, it's important to get his concerns documented with the authorities.  It starts establish a paper trail.  Eventually, BPD's can't lie their way out of facts.  The courts and authorities are slow, but with enough documentation, and enough cases, and enough of a history, they will act eventually.  It's not ideal obviously, but he needs to keep pushing things.  He also needs to get some advice on how to document these things and how to work the system.  There are things he can do that will help and hurt his and his son's case.

So, even if he is not successful in getting a successful case outcome this time, get all his concerns and evidence into public DCF/court records now.  It shows his concern, and it also preempts the future question "why didn't you act if you knew something was wrong the past?"  

he's doing everything he can, it might not be come through this time, but he can at least know that he can look back and tell himself he did everything he could.  most of us regret what we didn't do a lot more than things that dind't go our way when we tried.

Edited to add - But don't be too afraid of trying because fear of male/female bias in the system.  There are a bunch of men here that have custody of their kids, and won it court.  My observations have been that in cases where men fight for custody, particularly when biomom is disordered, they actually have a decent shot at winning.  The statistics for men getting custody are skewed, in my opinion, because they just show mainly how many men get custody, but they don't break it down further to show how many men get custody when they try.  Lots of men don't try to start with and it throws the statistics off.

[newlymarried]

We've had primary custody of kiddo since before the divorce last August. It has been documented that BPDbiomom has given up most of her parenting time. Kiddo is being hurt by BPDbiomom's felon boyfriend when kiddo isn't supposed to be around felons at all.

[ForeverDad]

My case started out the reverse of your DH.  I started with alternate weekends and had to claw my way up over time.  After 5 years I got custody and after nearly 3 more years I got majority time too.  Looking back, one thing that hurt me was settlements.  For various reasons the lawyers and professionals along the way said settlements were lousy but sure, trials were better but also iffy.  I wonder if I had laid it all out in court and shone the light of day on all her behaviors whether I wouldn't have gotten an appropriate order sooner.  Oh well, all that is past now.

But I mention the background because of some paragraphs included in my order when I got custody.  The magistrate included references to case law where the state is reluctant to switch custody back and forth like a ping pong ball.  The case law decisions were that custody should not change often, it was not a contest for the losing parent to then try to become the better parent to get custody back.  Basically, the magistrate was saying to my ex not to waste everyone's time trying to be better than me and come back to court, just to accept the custody change.

So... . If there are no temporary orders (such as in the midst of a divorce) and if your DH already has full custody or joint custody with decision-making rights and/or majority parenting time, the court is not likely to make a major change to custody or the schedule without good reason.  I'm not saying it can't, just that it is unlikely.

On the other hand, the 'no felons' clause might be hard to enforce.  That may be potential endangerment but not necessarily endangerment.  There may be more risk but by itself doesn't mean there is abuse.  That's where documentation comes in.

[newlymarried]

He went to kiddo's therapist and the therapist said she had to file with DCF. The no felon's thing is because my husband is in law enforcement. BPDbiomom said in an email that she brings kiddo around felon. There is supposed to be an investigation in the state where we live, and the neighboring state where biomom lives. He is frantic that by getting the state involved, that we will lose kiddo. Bpdbiomom's parents will probably get her a lawyer and we can't afford one, and that is a big problem.

[david]

Your husband is in law enforcement. Use that to talk to DA, etc to find out the best course of action. The fact that biomom admitted in an email that she brings kiddo around a felon may allow you to refuse to bring kiddo to her unless she can show kiddo is no longer around felon. She openly admitted it so the proof is on her to protect child. Allowing it to continue when you know this says to the court that you are okay with this arrangment. The sooner you protect the kiddo by your actions the more weight you have in court. Try asking for supervised visitation for biomom since she can't be trusted. Biomom should also be required to go to some kind of counseling. If court ordered and she does not comply she is in contempt of court.

The physical abuse, are there signs (bruises, etc). If so, take kiddo to pediatrician. Some bruises are clearly signs of physical abuse. The doc will document and also report it to the authorities. The doc will also talk to kiddo and that will be documented.

Taking a multi prong approach works best.

My ex actually took our youngest to the pediatrician with accusations of me bruising him. I was livid and also very scared about not being able to see our boys anymore. I called my atty and atty said to lay low and do nothing. I called my friend, a doc, and he said physical abuse bruises look different most of the time. He also said if he reported the incident he would report both parents and let the authorities figure it out. Well, I was contacted by the authorities. I explained what was going on. I also gave them several emails from ex where she was saying extremely crazy stuff and I was replying in a sane manner. It involved the kids so I had to reply. I was cleared.

[DontPanic]

I'm male and won custody, but it wasn't until I learned how to fight back and feared for my kids enough to fight back. the first thing I did was read everything under the sun to learn about BPD. I already became adept at documenting everything but I did read some good books on how to acquire and document my evidence properly, (for instance I created a timeline that showed all the cr@zy stuff she was doing). I also learned that talking about personality disorders in the court was not terribly effective, but documenting things carefully was. in the end she took her own life (though it could have ended up a murder/suicide, but thankfully it didn't as my kids were at home in the beds with me watching over them).

That being said, I don't feel like I won anything, mostly I feel like I have this huge job of fixing all the damage that was created by my ex and figuring out how to work with the kids grandparents (her parents) so that they can have a sane relationship with them. I know, I could just say no and not allow them near the kids, but that doesn't feel like the right thing to do (and yes my state has a grandparent rights law, but it can only be used during an ongoing custody dispute and alas, with my ex deceased there isn't anyone that can open that can of worms again)

Good luck to you, I can suggest a few books that I read if that would be helpful

[newlymarried]

I'd read whatever we could get our hands on.

[DontPanic]

I'd start with the "splitting" book, it opened my eyes in a way that  cannot sufficiently describe.

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Kreger, Randi, Eddy, Bill"

the second book I'd mention is

"Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence

White, Guy"

This book taught me how to gather and deal with evidence in an effective manner, how to use as the services of a lawyer effectively and how to manage myself to present my case best to the judge and others that might not believe everything I say and the horrible situation my kids and I went through.

Hope this helps

Cheers