What are some of the things you do to move on from painful experiences?

[StillAlive]

Hello everyone.

I'm curious as to how some people move past painful experiences to move with life in general. Most of the literature I've discovered through this website, such as Daring to Trust, have been exceptionally helpful to me. But I'm curious about what else I may do for myself in this position. I think what's most difficult for me is that I live each day being afraid to go outside but I push myself to do so anyways. My former BPD spouse detailed to me plans to have me murdered during a crucial moment in our lives when the violence and devaluation began to escalate. When in public I've actually been confronted by her work associates who would shout hateful vitriol and obscenities at me, at which point I've learned how far she has gone to shame me to as many people as possible with lies. I'm a nervous wreck to put things plainly.

Aside from self-help literature, what other options out there are helpful?

Thanks and I appreciate all constructive input.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi StillAlive, and welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you are a nervous wreck. I can really understand your fear about going outside after what you've been through.  I was a nervous wreck, too, after my breakup. 

You asked about how to move on from painful experiences.  I guess it depends on where you are in the process of recovery.  Tell us more about your story when you are ready, and we'll point you to the best resources that can help.

Have you had any therapy since your divorce?  I know it helped me a lot.  Also, here is a link that explains the detachment process from the side panel here ––––––––––>

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.msg1320606#msg1320606

What stage do you think you are in, StillAlive?

Keep writing, it really helps to share.  We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[StillAlive]

Thank for the thoughtful and caring response.

I think that, at least from my point of view, that I might be doing something wrong. I relate to each of the first three stages described in the other discussion you've shared.

I'm on the fence with therapy but I am considering it. I've had poor experiences with therapy. It was a trauma specialist, an LICSW, who took on my spouse as a client and initially suggested that my spouse be evaluated for borderline personality disorder. We've had a session together with the three of us and then we followed up with another trauma expert who provided relationship counseling. They knew about the mistreatment that was going on. I was essentially encouraged to simply provide more support in the face of violence. In hindsight I now know that being told that violence is wrong, suicide threats and manipulation is wrong, actively planning to have me murdered or to hold a knife in a threatening manner is wrong, and that I should build the skills to say no to these behaviors. Instead I was asked to offer more hugs whenever she was in a crisis, to put aside my own feelings to make things work, and sit on the sidelines when I really should have been contacting the authorities right away. These are trauma experts. How can anybody reasonably place trust in a therapist when the training of their peers leads a licensed professional to behave in ways that are culpable to illegal activity?

We technically never married and which I'm grateful for that in hindsight. Though we did live together for multiple years... .

I do not think I'm willing to share anything else. I feel less than human for being in this position and tolerating these antics for so long to keep the peace.

[heartandwhole]

StillAlive,

I am so sorry that you went through that, that is very scary and hurtful.  Your feelings of frustration with the therapy are very understandable. 

Our aim is to provide a safe and comfortable place for our members to share and support each other.  Take all the time you need to share what feels right for you.  I hope you are being gentle with yourself, StillAlive.  You are not alone.  Other members have been in similar situations, unfortunately including violent episodes.  I want you to know that there really is hope to feel better.

I commend you for considering another try at therapy.  When you find a good one, it can be so helpful.

What things do you do to take care of yourself, StillAlive?  Exercise, sports, hobbies?  Do you have a good support system of friends and family around you?

Here are some resources that may be helpful for you:

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

EMDR and PTSD

Let us know how we can best support you.  We care.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

I'm curious as to how some people move past painful experiences to move with life in general.

I went to a therapist, then a psychologist, my kids, family, friends and the people in this forum helped me with moving on.

[love4meNOTu]

At first I tried to do it all on my own. Just powered through the divorce on numbness... panic and fear of him nipping at my heels. That actually worked for a while.

Then, I started questioning everything. Blaming myself for everything. That scared the crap out of me, because I've read that is very common with abuse survivors. (He held me down twice, and prevented me from leaving my own home a few times but it was mainly emotional and verbal abuse).

I tried to reach out to him a couple of months after our divorce was final and he told me he was engaged, and that was not fun either. I kind of expected it from him, but he was very cruel. That was a good reminder though of who he really was.

That's when the depression hit, so I eventually ended up in a outpatient program at the local hospital for nine days, got on some antidepressant medication and now I have weekly therapy.

It's saved my life.

I have wonderful family and friends. Without them, I'm not sure I would still be here.

This site has also been invaluable to me, people going through normal breakups just do not understand what it is like to be idealized one moment, feel like your dreams have come true, and then 18 months later you are hated by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world, your husband. It is such cruelty.

People here get it. And they give back what they have learned.

I would encourage you to look into mindfulness, living in the moment. It has decreased my depression and controlling thoughts. I'm going to use that skill for the rest of my life. It can help you in dealing with any stressful situations. I would also read all the stickies, and the workshops. And I would encourage you to take care of yourself. Once a day, every day, do something that YOU like. No matter how small. It's amazing how little things can really help your state of mind.

Stay away from alcohol! The time I reached out to my ex i had two martinis too many... . ugh. I'll never live that one down. Talk about hangover. In more ways than one.

Don't jump into another relationship right now either, you will find you attract not the healthiest of people. And as you heal, you will find those people you attracted when you were at your lowest are NOT the people who want to see you get better. They want you to stay right where you were... miserable.

That's all i have for now... .

Hugs,

L

[Tausk]

 

Welcome StillAlive:

What to do to move on?  My suggestions... . Do what you're doing.

You're staying alive.

You're sharing on the board.

You're open minded to suggestions.

You're learning and growing.

From what I can tell in this brief thread, you're doing better than you probably feel.  But you're doing it.  

Congrats!  Keep sharing.   Can you tell us more about what your interaction was like?  :)o you have children?  Are you safe now?  How long?... .

Sharing these things is both helpful to you and to the rest of us as we try and recover.  On this board we are not alone.

[santa]

This may sound morbid, but basically I've just pretended that she is dead.

When she left, she hugged and kissed me and "begged" me to come with her. Then, when I didn't, she decided she hated me about a week later and she's been a completely different person since... . and the new person that she is hates me.

So, I've essentially just tried to think of it as that she died in a car accident the day she left. Obviously, that's not what happened, but the person I was in a relationship with did die. I don't know who she is now.

[Mutt]

Stay away from alcohol! The time I reached out to my ex i had two martinis too many... . ugh. I'll never live that one down. Talk about hangover. In more ways than one.

Really good point love4meNOTu.

My T said stay away from drugs and alcohol.

[Take2]

I workout... . alot.  As much as I can fit into my life - with a 6 year old at home it's challenging but I've been averaging 5 days a week.  It helps me focus and feel much calmer.  I do see a therapist and also take an antidepressant... . there have a couple times over the past year that I felt into such a deep depression that I couldn't function very well (was also recovering my the loss of my dad).   I do drink wine every day... .   I probably shouldn't what with the antidepressant and all - and yes absolutely alcohol can potentially lead to text messages when it shouldn't.  But it's a crutch right now that I am not ready to let go of... doctor knows about it andis okay with it since I don't drink to excess. 

Meditation is where I'm focusing my latest efforts... .   and I think I am finally going to go attend a codependence annonymous group... .   I have a 6 year old and will do whatever it takes to be the strong mommy she needs... .

 

[musicfan42]

I think that, at least from my point of view, that I might be doing something wrong.

You've been through a really traumatic experience StillAlive. Please be very gentle on yourself...

I'm on the fence with therapy but I am considering it. I've had poor experiences with therapy. It was a trauma specialist, an LICSW, who took on my spouse as a client and initially suggested that my spouse be evaluated for borderline personality disorder. We've had a session together with the three of us and then we followed up with another trauma expert who provided relationship counseling. They knew about the mistreatment that was going on. I was essentially encouraged to simply provide more support in the face of violence. In hindsight I now know that being told that violence is wrong, suicide threats and manipulation is wrong, actively planning to have me murdered or to hold a knife in a threatening manner is wrong, and that I should build the skills to say no to these behaviors. Instead I was asked to offer more hugs whenever she was in a crisis, to put aside my own feelings to make things work, and sit on the sidelines when I really should have been contacting the authorities right away. These are trauma experts. How can anybody reasonably place trust in a therapist when the training of their peers leads a licensed professional to behave in ways that are culpable to illegal activity?

That sounds like professional negligence on the part of the trauma specialist. Do you know whether the therapist was a member of a professional organisation? I would strongly urge you to make a formal complaint about this therapist. Your therapist's conduct was completely unacceptable and the therapist failed in his/her duty of care to you.

I think it would be a good idea for you to contact a domestic abuse charity for support. I found reading literature on domestic abuse extremely helpful. The abuse was NOT your fault... I just want to stress that. You were in an appalling situation and worse still, the therapist let you down badly.

Couples counselling is not appropriate for dealing with domestic abuse. Couples counselling is founded on the principles of equality and negotiation whereas in an abusive relationship, the power is not shared equally. Couples  counselling can actually be dangerous in the case of an abusive relationship because the abusive partner will find out information about the victim in the sessions and essentially use it against them as leverage later on.

A personality disorder is not an excuse for abusive behavior. Yes, your partner had BPD but the priority should have been your safety... . that's just common sense and common sense wasn't applied in this situation unfortunately.

I encourage everyone here to work on their assertiveness skills. I like the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. There are assertiveness courses out there and I would encourage you to go to one. I'm working on my assertiveness skills at present so that's why I have a strong focus on them I feel like it's helpful to talk to other people about it.

There is a workshop thread on DEARMAN here. It's an assertiveness skill used to make a request or to say no to someone. I also authored a workshop thread with Skip called "Being Assertive In A Healthy Way". If you'd like any help on the DEARMAN acronym or the "Being Assertive In A Healthy Way", then please feel free to send me a private message or alternatively post a thread on the topic... whichever you prefer

There's also a workshop thread called "Boundaries-Living Our Values" which is related to assertiveness skills.

Self-defense classes are usually marketed at women however I still think men could benefit from them. Alternatively, I would say attend some kind of martial arts class e.g. karate. Karate is all about self-defense and there may be more guys in the class.

There are two workshop threads on domestic violence that I would advise you to have a look at.

Here is a good link on domestic abuse:

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The link has a gender-neutral cycle of violence model. The Duluth Model is very helpful however it states that the perpetrator is male and the victim is female. That may be triggering for a male victim of domestic abuse.

If you decide to go to therapy again, please be careful. Check the therapist's qualifications, years of experience and whether they've published anything. A psychologist has the most qualifications and training so I would say opt for a psychologist as opposed to a social worker or counselor. Check whether the therapist is a member of a professional organisation. Check whether the therapist is experienced in dealing with victims of domestic abuse. Therapists usually specialize in a number of areas so that's an important thing to check out. I don't want to worry you however I think it would be a good idea for you to research any potential therapists in advance. Therapy could help you but only if you got the right therapist... . someone who is good at their job and understand your needs. The therapists you were with before sound completely incompetent. I want to stress that it wasn't your fault... your therapist failed you and that's terrible!

[RecycledNoMore]

Focus on yourself, ask yourself why did I put up with this?

Do not factor the ex into any future plans, expect them to give you closure or any sort of peace of mind,anything.They cant.

If you remember anything, remember this...

Your ex is MENTALLY ILL.

NOT MENTALLY CAPABLE OF THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS WE TAKE FOR GRANTED.

They do not " get it"

They do not view life as we do

They do not experience emotions as we do

They CANNOT.

As you learn more about BPD all of this will become painfully clear,its heartbreaking, it hurts like no pain you have ever experienced and Im so sorry you have to go through it.

You can recover, and go on to lead a fulfilling rewarding life, if YOU choose.

Your ex, will always be running,clinging to love like a drowning sailor clings to a life preserver,and ultimately destroying everything.

" a life lived in fear, is a life half lived"

Tragedy repeated, till death do you part.

Its all you now, everthing you need to save yourself, is inside you.You are not alone.

[growing_wings]

Hi Stillalive... .

each of us have our own coping mechanisms (as you can see from the variety of responses you have obtained so far... . ).

What i do to move on from painful experiences:

1. Getting a sense of Purpose: A mixture of get moving (even if is hard) and start a project, or continue one that i left ... . for me, it is easy, when i was with my SOwBPD i got asked to stop contacting people i liked, or to not work in voluntary projects i wanted to work on, she was extremely jelaous and tried to control every person i met. So, what i am doing after the b/u is re-contacting the people i left, volunteering to work in projects i love doing and give me purpose. Some days i am great, and a few days i feel sad i am doing this now that i am detaching from my ex.

2. I do physical activity. Walk my dog, run, etc...

3. I cry when i need to. and can cry a LOT.

4. Working with a T

5. Read books that are positive, and most important, help me to get a sense of what happened and a sense of self.

6. I type here a lot

hope you find your own way of coping with this and move on from painful experience. Is not easy... some days are great, and some are very low... . part of the recovery.

best wishes

[Tausk]

Recently putting this on and cleaning the house.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRMOMjCoR58

[RecycledNoMore]

Recently putting this on and cleaning the house.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRMOMjCoR58

Me too!

[growing_wings]

Recently putting this on and cleaning the house.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRMOMjCoR58

thanks for sharing! i will take a look