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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Which personality type is best suited for a BPD relationship?  (Read 3599 times)
node4
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« on: February 17, 2014, 06:53:22 AM »

I am a recovering BPD addict, ;-) and I have read up and down this and other forums. Most of which has all said work on you, forgive them, and find out why your were attracted to them in the first place.

The one thing that has been missing, from everything I have read, is what is the best case scenario for the BPD? Post therapy, who do they end up with? What personality type ultimately ends up winning the "BPD prize" in the end?

Is the "co-dependent" the best suited for them, or are we the worst suited for them? If not a co-dependent personality type which one?
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2014, 11:53:39 AM »

My ex-husband didn't pull out all the controlling until after we were married. Then, it was a constant battle between he and I. Me arguing about how illogical his fears were, and him accusing me of not caring about his feelings.

Sigh. What a mess. The truth is, I thought his controlling behaviors were nonsense. But to him, they were survival.

So sad. It's one of the reasons I had to leave, not the first one, but the second. I could have dealt with some of the controlling behaviors, as long as he didn't get out of control. But by then I was so afraid of him after he would rage at me that I couldn't handle anything else.  It was just another straw that broke the camel's back.

If you are a healthy person, the behaviors just doesn't make sense, and you have to take care of yourself. I couldn't have my kids around him anymore.

L
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2014, 01:18:30 PM »

Post therapy, who do they end up with? 

'Post therapy'. That's so rare it's barely on the chart.

Someone with no feelings and no problems being a scapegoat. That might work.

No, they would also be abandoned. Because of 'abandonment fears'. 

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« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2014, 01:28:19 PM »

 mine goes for younger narcs who provide the ready validation.  younger,  she thinks she can control.  the current one sounds disordered himself,  she she probably thinks she is rescuing ( controlling)  him too.  borderline waifs seem to be attracted to narcissists,  and mine is more waif than queen,  though she certainly displayed that trait to me enough.
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2014, 01:57:49 PM »

Hey Node... . your post sounds like you are trying to determine which wine goes best with which entree! 

There is a natural tendency to view the disordered person in your life as a puzzle to be solved... . and then to shape ourselves as the final piece which completes the beautiful picture/puzzle.  There is not a hidden code or manual that will unlock all the secrets. 

You write, "What personality type ultimately ends up winning the "BPD prize" in the end?"  I have wondered this about my ex.  I think the underlying driver to this question is that I wanted her to love me again and be with me and I wanted to know who I needed to be to achieve that.  It presumes that if only I could be the right person, than she would be whole and loving towards me.  Is this what you are asking?  Is this what your questions are trying to discover for you?

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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2014, 02:43:09 PM »

My BPDmother and step-father have been married for 28 years and unless something drastically changes, they will die married to one another.  So you could say that he "won".  He is also miserable in his marriage.  She refuses to acknowledge any part she plays in their marriage being what it is.  I love both my parents very much, so much so that I have told him that I would fully support him if he ever decides to leave her.

I know that all relationships are different and not everyone with BPD is the same person.  I have only seen my parent's relationship and the relationships I have had with pwBPD (yes, plural).  From my observations "winning the BPD prize" is kind of like winning a slow form of cancer.

Do I think it could be different if the pwBPD is in therapy?  Yes, however I would say banking on the idea that they will seek, and stay, in therapy is a pretty risky gamble.
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« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2014, 02:51:02 PM »

I honestly think someone very shallow would be perfect for my ex.

Perhaps a partner who had been 'given' everything that she wanted (money), so someone who was equally confused about the world and didn't really have to engage with real life and getting a job, mortgage and so on. 

I feel so sad typing this...   when I think back to how successful i'd been before her and I look at myself now, I feel ashamed... .  
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node4
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« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2014, 03:22:14 PM »

I am not trying to change myself to suit her, I am beyond that thinking at this point, and my last recycle attests to that, that is the primary reason that she left after our last fight even though I told her to leave in the first place. We did that all of the time, but this time it took, and within 72 hours she was gone. She had everything, and walked. That being said, I was also really over her crap, and she knew it. Once you give them everything, even a co-dependent knows they are being worked after some point.

I want something better than, she will burn every person she touches for the rest of her life. How is that ok? I know I can't control any of this, but I would not wish our experiences on anyone. I am aware of my selfless nature, however I also know when I am being worked, I am not so "co-dependent" that I allow someone to walk on me. I had healthy boundaries, and that is when wars would start. Then on this last run, her arguments were so out in left field they defied basic logic. She was fighting for fighting sake, and was hoping I didn't notice... . but I did. I went from being "prey" which I always suspected she thought I was, to the predator, once that happened... . she hauled butt.

I simply wanted to know where they end up, and what type of person wins the prize :-)
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Turkish
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« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2014, 03:37:46 PM »

I am not trying to change myself to suit her,

When I started standing up for myself, which she always told me to do (in reality, I stood up for the the kids), things went downhill exponentially with us. Congratulations for not wanting to play in the Disorder Games any longer.
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charred
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« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2014, 03:59:16 PM »

Post therapy, who do they end up with? What personality type ultimately ends up winning the "BPD prize" in the end?

I think anyone sufficiently disordered could win the prize of being with them and their disorder... . uhh, is that what you really meant?

The sparks/attraction/wild sex...  short lived but you can go person to person with one night stands.

I have had a r/s with more than one disordered gal... . didn't see it that way at the time, but its pretty clearly the case now.

The person I am thinking of, there were sparks, and she was wild... . and every  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in the book came up.

I cut it off. Her fiancée didn't... . she married, and about 2 yrs later she sprayed something flammable on him while he was asleep and lit it... . he wasn't hurt but didn't go back... . I feel I dodged a bullet that time, but not in my BPD r/s... . that one I feel like I was riddled with bullets in. He had a kid with her... so he gets to deal with the disorder for a long, long time. Read up on them getting pregnant on purpose, etc... . it isn't the category of gal you would rationally choose over others.

Can understand wanting that spark... but it proceeds stuff that blows up. Read up on Travis Alexander... . you could end up same way... . with a disordered person you never know what will trigger them, and how bad it will be. I was always off by about a factor of 10x on how bad I thought things could get.

That is why advice is what it is here... . let them go, fix yourself, learn difference between genuine love and the trauma bonding horror that is a BPD r/s.

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« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2014, 04:27:13 PM »

A person like me

- caretaker

- rescuer - I feel valued fixing someone else. I was conditioned as a child to look out for everyone else but me

- lack boundaries

- own abandonment issues

- co-dependent traits

- controlling

- need to be loved and bees to be needed

- no idea what love was - it's not conditional

- little knowledge of my own core values

- moulded to fit my ex ---> resentment towards him

- core childhood wounds - my ex picked off a very big scab
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« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2014, 04:52:13 PM »

I was targeted by (my) pwBPD probably because of my following traits:

Passive, would rather let other person have their way than cause dissention

Polite, wouldn't dream of fighting back or making a scene

After 4 months of being trampled on, I finally asserted myself.  Enough was enough.  As others have pointed out, this is the kiss of death for a pwBPD.  Consider it BPD Kryptonite.  Of course, the next two months were hell, but we were locked into a lease together.
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« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2014, 04:55:44 PM »

My personality!

And now I would like to copy the list of traits that Clearmind just posted... . perfect!

Except my last relationship bled me dry... . I can feel myself trying to make myself available again... . but I am just exhausted in every way... . not able to be used right now, and by the grace of God and bpdfamily.com, I hope and pray never again.

Clearmind... . you dun just wrote my bio!
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« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2014, 05:00:57 PM »

The funny thing about mine... . and I had to approach her to open up her shell, is that she felt she could be herself around me, like she felt safe. She told me this multiple times from almost the beginning even before we were living together. And she was... . for quite a while. She didn't mirror me as much, but she's gone right back to mirroring to be with the man-boy narc. It was like living with a different person for a few months.
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Tausk
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« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2014, 06:17:53 PM »

Which personality type is best suited for a BPD relationship?

I think that it depends on what you mean by, "best suited."     If best means, easiest to enmesh with, then the list that Clearmind used is blueprint for the majority of us on this board.  

But did being with us actually help our exes?  I'm not saying that we are not good people.  We are.  We are people of character, strength, and decency who feel great compassion for others.  We simply have some character flaws that fit perfectly with the Disorder.

But again, if we were really "best suited,"  wouldn't that mean that many of our exes would have gotten the message and recovered.  Seen the light. Understood how much we "loved" them and how good we were to them.

Then there would a thousands, maybe millions, of wonderful Abandoned Child/Lonely Child relationships that are flowing in true love and happiness.  And we all would have this wonderful blueprint to model after and save our exes.

In the end, I enabled the Disorder.  I became a giant trigger.  Although I lost 5.5 years, my recovery has brought me much farther than I could have imagined.

For my ex, my shortcomings simply forced her to embed her Disorder even deeper into the shame and terror of her selfless existence.

So was I "best suited" for her, was was she "best suited" for me?
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« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2014, 09:01:48 PM »

Best suited?

None of them, but there seem to be quite a few INFJs in here hmm... .
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Tausk
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« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2014, 09:11:06 PM »

Best suited?

None of them, but there seem to be quite a few INFJs in here hmm... .

I think a lot of INFP's as well. 

Yeah, and the fairy tale fantasy is deeply imbedded in many of us, which makes it even harder to let go.

Because love will conquer all      
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« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2014, 09:14:33 PM »

Guys all of your comments are amazing, as I was at the gym tonight, I was thinking that we are really bred for destruction, both of us, we the lovers / co-dependents, and them the havoc hell raising chaos generating "S!W% storms" which are our loving BPDs. It's like Newton's Third Law "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".

I agree with the description that clearmind has for herself. Especially the one "- molded to fit my ex ---> resentment towards him". There were times, where I thought about stoically serving her, but then I realized she had no idea what the hell she was doing in life... .

- caretaker ( I was naturally this way, I protected everyone around me from my fathers rages) this was already built in.

- rescuer - I feel valued fixing someone else. I was conditioned as a child to look out for everyone else but me (naturally this way)

- lack boundaries ( I always thought this was my lack of ability to have small talk with people, I am almost always intense and I get straight to the point on most issues. )

- own abandonment issues (Not sure, I always feel like I do not "deserve anything", I let everyone else have the cake.)

- co-dependent traits

- controlling (I had very small agreed upon boundaries, as long as you don't cross this line, this line, and this line we are good.)

- need to be loved and bees to be needed ( I have had a hard time feeling of acknowledging that I am loved, and I feel joy, and purpose when I am needed.)

- no idea what love was - it's not conditional ( I freely give my love unconditionally even after my boundaries have been violated. I see the petrified child in everyone, including BPDs)

- little knowledge of my own core values ( I have the fundamentals, I know evil, I know righteousness, and I support the good side)

- moulded to fit my ex ---> resentment towards him (I resent her, for acknowledging our "connection" know it, feeling it, and freely punching out, and assuming that I will be there when she comes back on the radar... . )

- core childhood wounds - my ex picked off a very big scab ( This one caught me off guard. I knew I had been with similarly messed up women, but I had know idea, how much damage was waiting for me, and that I would meet the super borderline... . but I am thankful, that she has shown me what the "monsters" look like) I will be more prepared, and hyper-vigilant next time.

Some of the things that we / I experienced still trip me out.

Met her on a dating site, saw her picture, and said out loud, you are going to be the end of me, never met her, never talked to her, but instantly new I would be with her. Not to mention, she was very "familiar' to me instantly, simply based off of pictures, that never happened to me before.  

First met her, instantly knew I had met the "one", the world instantly disappeared, and I felt like I was "home", and she and I were ying, and yang.

Every white knight. protector fiber in my being came alive. I found my place and purpose in my life, I found my "reason".

Then there was this one thing that freaked me out, for a longtime. We could actually feel each other. She knew when I was stressed out at work, and would call me out of nowhere, and I mean within seconds of the stress event, and would ask me, whats going on, I can feel your stress.  We often sent each other text messages at the exact same time. We knew what the other one was feeling.

Even now 3 months no contact, I have to actively disconnect the "connection" that I have with her. Its like she is in the other room, but she is 3 1/2 hours away.

I was also fascinated on how easily she was entertained. She was into computer games, amusement parks, trips and outings. She had a childlike joy when it came to those things. I loved that about her, as I was to complicated and serious to "allow" myself to enjoy such simple things. But that would hook me, her eyes would light up, like a child when it came to those things. I saw the innocence in her then... . but then came everything else... .


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« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2014, 09:18:19 PM »

Thanks recycledNOmore... . now I have another label... . LOL

Co-dependant, and now INFJ... .

Is this what you are reffering too?

https://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
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« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2014, 02:14:51 AM »

Hiya Node4,

Yeap thats what im referring to  mbti, myers briggs type indicator, go to the bottom of the page at the link you posted and take the test,you may well be ab INFJ too!

Hey tausk, it could be worse, you could be an ESTP  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2014, 04:14:41 AM »

Same thing with me we would tex at the same time and I could feel her stress 40 miles away.
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« Reply #21 on: February 18, 2014, 05:32:19 AM »

A person like me

- caretaker

- rescuer - I feel valued fixing someone else. I was conditioned as a child to look out for everyone else but me

- lack boundaries

- own abandonment issues

- co-dependent traits

- controlling

- need to be loved and bees to be needed

- no idea what love was - it's not conditional

- little knowledge of my own core values

- moulded to fit my ex ---> resentment towards him

- core childhood wounds - my ex picked off a very big scab

Clear mind, that looks like my biography. My goodness. Now what?
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« Reply #22 on: February 18, 2014, 12:14:10 PM »

Excerpt
- little knowledge of my own core values

see, i have a clear knowledge of my own core values and i know she didn't share enough of them for my satisfaction, and i stayed with her anyway (see 'own abandonment issues'. and when she bolted it added tremendously to the pain, that i stuck with us under those circumstances and was betrayed for it.

I was not controlling in the least, gave her too much freedom, in  fact. But on this last point... . this was me. Even two years before the decay, I remember thinking to myself, "this chick has little empathy, is probably one of the most self-centered people I've met in my life, and lacks MERCY." These are qualities I value, and under healthy circumstances, would never tolerate in a mate. The self-centeredness I realized quickly. The other two, it took me a few years, mostly after we had kids.

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« Reply #23 on: February 18, 2014, 02:34:50 PM »

- lack boundaries

check

Excerpt
- own abandonment issues

double check

Excerpt
- co-dependent traits

check

Excerpt
- controlling

i was to an extent, and it's embarrassing but necessary for me to admit that to myself. in the post-mrs-maxen era i need to work on letting other people be themselves, however disappointing that may be sometimes.

Excerpt
- need to be loved and bees to be needed

it's the bees needs!

Excerpt
- little knowledge of my own core values

see, i have a clear knowledge of my own core values and i know she didn't share enough of them for my satisfaction, and i stayed with her anyway (see 'own abandonment issues'. and when she bolted it added tremendously to the pain, that i stuck with us under those circumstances and was betrayed for it.

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« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2014, 06:21:56 PM »

A person like me

- caretaker

- rescuer - I feel valued fixing someone else. I was conditioned as a child to look out for everyone else but me

- lack boundaries

- own abandonment issues

- co-dependent traits

- controlling

- need to be loved and bees to be needed

- no idea what love was - it's not conditional

- little knowledge of my own core values

- moulded to fit my ex ---> resentment towards him

- core childhood wounds - my ex picked off a very big scab

Clear mind, that looks like my biography. My goodness. Now what?

Excellent question. We all learn our relationship skills from our own childhood. Much of our established patterns in adulthood are learnt behaviors from our own parents.

Certainly I had an alcoholic parent who sucked the life from the rest of the family. My father was abusive, argumentative and had little clue about how to raise kids. My mum is a gorgeous women however I modelled my relationship skills from her. She enabled my fathers abuse and I followed suit in my own relationships.

Emotionally I was abandoned by my father. His interests lie in alcohol not me.

You see I realise it so clearly now that I need to be needed and I chose my ex just as much as he chose me. Two damaged souls who tried desperately to seek our happiness out in each other - epic fail!

If I had boundaries, knew my core values snd loved myself more I would never have entertained the thought. My childhood did not provide me self worth - I sought out therapy to learn all the skills needed for a healthy relationship.

Was I controlling? Yes and many of us were. We attempted to change our partners and mould them into what we needed. This type of love is conditional - for is both.

My suggestion is to really dig deep - past thinking about how you were done wrong by - start to look at what you were trying to get from your ex to fulfi your needs. And dig back into your childhood. The answers lie there not with your ex.

Reconcile your own core wounds. Do that you will be so allergic to dysfunction. We only thrive on toxic relating when we are running from our stuff. It's a mask to hide the scars.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #25 on: February 19, 2014, 01:06:18 PM »

I am a female INTJ and udBPD person in my home remains here based on his comments:

-He enjoys how direct I am (I do not beat around the bush, but am tactful).

-Have very clear boundaries and values and tend to wear them on my sleeve for all to "see".

-Tend to be very controlling in the sense of doing things correctly the first time (efficiency and productivity) and needing structure and order for success.

-I call people out on BS pretty fast (again, with a diplomatic spin )

-I think logically and methodically about everything...

So why does he "like" these traits in me... . well they are the traits he never saw growing up, therefore he hoped those characteristics in me would somehow osmotically seep into him?

(guess what, they did not!)

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« Reply #26 on: February 19, 2014, 01:13:37 PM »

Slave to the binary,

What you have listed, is why I think she "picked" me. I am the same way as you have listed that you are.

Funny.

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« Reply #27 on: February 19, 2014, 01:40:52 PM »

Slave to the binary,

What you have listed, is why I think she "picked" me. I am the same way as you have listed that you are.

Funny.

Hmm, mine "picked" me, I think, because she wanted a responsible man to be the father of her children. She had previously tried so very hard to get pregnant by one of her narc man-boys, just to have a kid.

-I am comfortable with myself, and don't really care what other people think. She felt she could "be herself" around me, rather than having to put up pretenses (the social anxiety), though she soon tried to project her anxiety onto me, in the typical BPD nit-picky way

- I'm fairly genuine, no false pretenses once I let down my boundaries

- financially secure, and more mature than her previous BFs

- good group of long term friends

- had little boundaries, and opened up a lot right away, like her (the dysfunctional trait in both of us)

- gave her a lot of freedom, was not jealous or controlling (though in the end I gave her too much freedom

- her family accepted me right away, and I them

- I knew where I was going in life, even if she thought at the end I was "unmotivated." (whatever!)

- Was a co-dependent Caretaker, and she has co-dependent traits as well

- could soothe her in the beginning

- she felt physically safe around me (large, tough looking man)

- had a feminine quality to my persona

Except for the dysfunctional traits, she's gone the opposite way now. Who knows why? Easier to be false than true, perhaps?
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« Reply #28 on: February 23, 2014, 10:42:06 PM »

So there are some light bulbs here for me.  Lots of clarity. I relate to all of the codependent traits. Caretaker, controller, attempting to rescue, etc. Etc. Etc... . in order to feel that sense of worth that  gives me purpose. It was reinforced for me the other night with T and here again, that I really needed (need) recovery. My family of origin set me up in my codependent belief system. If I was not presented with a bPD in my life ( as challenging and emotionally intense as it is) I would not be able to dig as deep and be on this road to healing. I have learned so much this year. I have been driven by anger and fear and open to so many thoughts and connected with so many inspiring people. I don't believe it could have without the circumstances. I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I trust in the path that has been chosen for me. Although I fear what lies beyond the door, it may be something even greater than I imagined, If only I let go and allow for it.  The T said that he believes our partners are chosen for us to help us heal. I did not take that to mean staying in the relationship through continued hurt and dysfunction, however, I cannot deny that my situation has left me to choose insanity or the path to recovery. I am so grateful that for today, I choose the later. 
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musicfan42
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 509


« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2014, 04:51:17 AM »

I am a female INTJ and udBPD person in my home remains here based on his comments:

-He enjoys how direct I am (I do not beat around the bush, but am tactful).

-Have very clear boundaries and values and tend to wear them on my sleeve for all to "see".

-Tend to be very controlling in the sense of doing things correctly the first time (efficiency and productivity) and needing structure and order for success.

-I call people out on BS pretty fast (again, with a diplomatic spin )

-I think logically and methodically about everything...

So why does he "like" these traits in me

I think you're being too hard on yourself by asking "why does he like these traits?"

My more compassionate interpretation of these traits:

-being direct=honesty

-having clear values=being ethical

-wanting structure and order, valuing efficiency and productivity=strong work ethic

-call people out on BS=again, honesty

-logical thinking=objectivity

This thread is really interesting as I can relate to a lot of it...
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Landslide2014
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 102



« Reply #30 on: February 24, 2014, 05:56:39 AM »

I was thinking that so many of the traits listed here, at least for me, did allow for my BpdH To manipulate and control, in effect allow him to feel his own "worth" and "security" however much that could be.  I gave him the freedom to use his BPD traits and tried not to make waves, just minimized his actions and allowed for them. Not healthy for me. It wasn't until I began challenging and standing up for my own sense of self by setting boundaries 1.5 years ago ( it took 20 years to realize this!)  that his actions were more pronounced and more abusive. His disease escalates when my boundaries are clear. I guess I subconsciously protected that all of these years. Enabler? I assume that this intensified the threat of abandonment for him. Not for me to fix... . Just really helpful when I can understand it more and gives me the clarity to see my way out of the FOG. Thank you for all the perspective and helping me get there. And for being able to find gratitude along the way. 
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