Boundaries For Contact On My Parenting Time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDx, now that she has moved out and has been forced to really parent seperately, seems to be making a better effort than when she was with me. That is good.

She is, however, back to the object constancy/helicopter mom texting. The other night, I took the kids to a friend's house to play with other kids. She called, as usual, in the evening to say goodnight. She then wanted me to text her to say we got home safely. All of 16 miles. I was busy putting the kids to sleep, then talked to afriend on the phone. She texted... . 1.5 hours later (she was really worried, huh? Or busy doing something else... . ). My buddy said to ignore it, even though I've been conditioned to respond. I ignored it, she never texted back, and didn't mention it the next morning when she came by to get the kids and get more stuff out of my house.

We do, however, go on 2.5 hour (one way) trips out of town on some weekends to see my mom and some of my friends. Again, she will be with the request that I text her that we got here safely (though she wasn;t consistent with this when she was busy with her paramour, utterly failed to check on us when I took them out of town Thanksgiving weekend). I have no problem with  her calling each night to say goodnight to the kids, but I think I am under no obligation to tell her, even if I take them out of town? Though I suppose it would be polite. She knows my mom and friends well, and they are trustworthy. I think I am right in setting (SETting) down boundaries with her that I am not going to text her when we make our jaunts. It's hard to get my mind out of the FOG after being conditioned through the last 6 years to always check in with her.

The custody stipulation is in process now, but not in final draft yet. It has thus far been conflict free, as she is letting me handle the legal stuff with my attorney (it will be guideline and fair, with $ going one way anyway: to her, and time split equally). The only thing I saw in the first draft was requiring written confirmation from the other parent if one decides to take the other out of state. The rest of the language seemed pretty standard. And knowing us, I think holidays can be worked out with little problem, and flexible, though the language will be in the stip just in case.

[Turkish]

My uBPDx, now that she has moved out and has been forced to really parent seperately, seems to be making a better effort than when she was with me. That is good.

She is, however, back to the object constancy/helicopter mom texting. The other night, I took the kids to a friend's house to play with other kids. She called, as usual, in the evening to say goodnight. She then wanted me to text her to say we got home safely. All of 16 miles. I was busy putting the kids to sleep, then talked to afriend on the phone. She texted... . 1.5 hours later (she was really worried, huh? Or busy doing something else... . ). My buddy said to ignore it, even though I've been conditioned to respond. I ignored it, she never texted back, and didn't mention it the next morning when she came by to get the kids and get more stuff out of my house.

We do, however, go on 2.5 hour (one way) trips out of town on some weekends to see my mom and some of my friends. Again, she will be with the request that I text her that we got here safely (though she wasn;t consistent with this when she was busy with her paramour, utterly failed to check on us when I took them out of town Thanksgiving weekend). I have no problem with  her calling each night to say goodnight to the kids, but I think I am under no obligation to tell her, even if I take them out of town? Though I suppose it would be polite. She knows my mom and friends well, and they are trustworthy. I think I am right in setting (SETting) down boundaries with her that I am not going to text her when we make our jaunts. It's hard to get my mind out of the FOG after being conditioned through the last 6 years to always check in with her.

The custody stipulation is in process now, but not in final draft yet. It has thus far been conflict free, as she is letting me handle the legal stuff with my attorney (it will be guideline and fair, with $ going one way anyway: to her, and time split equally). The only thing I saw in the first draft was requiring written confirmation from the other parent if one decides to take the other out of state. The rest of the language seemed pretty standard. And knowing us, I think holidays can be worked out with little problem, and flexible, though the language will be in the stip just in case.

[whirlpoollife]

Turkish, this is what the phone situation was with me. My first L gave x2bh four times a day phone calls to each kid.   That ended up being two hours and at anytime of day when kids were with me. While they were getting ready for school and in the car on way to school ( so he could be the last kids talk to before school )and very late at night , at dinner and lunch times.

With my next L, I had printed out the phone records. It was taken to the divorce master who put some fear into x2bh telling him that he is taking away the time I have with the kids by doing this.  His L and the kids GAL both argued for x2tbh saying he misses the kids and likes to talk to them on the phone... . awe isn't that sweet.  So by my L arguing the fact it got narrowed down to 5 min each kids before school. Ten min each between 4-5 and again at 9-10.  That includes texts conversations.  Does he follow it? Rarely.  If he went over a minute here and there, no problem but 20 min each I have a problem. Rarely in the times allotted either.    I have to now time the calls and say get off the phone to kids which makes me look bad. He texts my daughter late at night too besides the calls because I know , from having lived it, he wants to be the last to say good night.  H also hangs up and calls back so phone is always ringing. 

When kids are with h  I call once or twice to kids and text twice. Very short on each. I do because I feel I have to because H can use that argument to GAL and kids that I don't care enough to talk to them like he does.

I do not talk to h on the phone . I only text in response if kids aren't answering when  he calls. I don't explain I just say they will call soon.

Even though h doesn't follow the court ordered times I am glad for the court order because it gives me the OK to use boundries.

H is under no obligation to tell me if he goes out of state with kids.  Being that you go often, MHO see if that could be same for you.

[NyGirl8]

Sometimes this gets confusing for me.  Legally I do not have to do much.  The court order says he is allowed phone calls between the hours of 9AM and 7PM. I don't have to worry about this because he "doesn't have a lot of minutes on his calling plan".  So, he never calls.  The first weekend my kids spent there, I added a line to my plan, bought a phone and sent it with them so I would always have contact.  Sidenote: He actually used it to make personal calls!   I had to actually tell him he is not to use the phone, as it uses MY minutes on my plan when he does.  AH!  Anyway, I try and think ahead.  If it is something that I am going to want, I give it to him.  Does your ex make many long distance trips?  If so, are you going to want a check in text when they arrive at their destination?  And then, if you ask, will she even do this?  All things I have thought about.  I find, if I start a behavior, w/out actually asking him, he follows through on his end.  So, if we go on an out of town trip, I do tell him we are going and where, I also text when we arrive.  That way he typically does the same.  But, my ex's typical pattern is to "wait" for me to caretake.  He isn't hounding me.  He tests by not asking things of me and then complaining to whoever will listen when I don't magically do them.

Just thoughts I had while sorting this stuff out.

Good Luck!

[Turkish]

Sometimes this gets confusing for me.  Legally I do not have to do much.  The court order says he is allowed phone calls between the hours of 9AM and 7PM. I don't have to worry about this because he "doesn't have a lot of minutes on his calling plan".  So, he never calls.  The first weekend my kids spent there, I added a line to my plan, bought a phone and sent it with them so I would always have contact.  Sidenote: He actually used it to make personal calls!   I had to actually tell him he is not to use the phone, as it uses MY minutes on my plan when he does.  AH!  Anyway, I try and think ahead.  If it is something that I am going to want, I give it to him.  Does your ex make many long distance trips?  If so, are you going to want a check in text when they arrive at their destination?  And then, if you ask, will she even do this?  All things I have thought about.  I find, if I start a behavior, w/out actually asking him, he follows through on his end.  So, if we go on an out of town trip, I do tell him we are going and where, I also text when we arrive.  That way he typically does the same.  But, my ex's typical pattern is to "wait" for me to caretake.  He isn't hounding me.  He tests by not asking things of me and then complaining to whoever will listen when I don't magically do them.

Just thoughts I had while sorting this stuff out.

Good Luck!

I think that's a good idea. Get them to "mirror" you rather than the other way around. The texting to ask if we made it home safely after a 16 mile trip was too much for me, but taking them out of town, I could deal with that. I guess I would appreciate the same, though she really never goes anywhere more than about an hour away.