please give me an insite on what to expect with divorce?

[stronger123]

GOING TO FILE FOR DIVORCE NXT YEAR, WILL THIS BE DIFFICULT WITH A BPD H?

Any advice,

thanks,

stronger.

[Eodmava]

Wear your seatbelt... . read "splitting" and "divorce poison."  His reaction largely depends on how narcissistic he is... . divorce is a core narcissist injury to his ego... . he will not take it lightly.  It will either be begging and pleading or total psychotic rage.  Have your ducks in a row ASAP.

[maxen]

Eodmava's right, stronger, it depends on how narcissistic he is. i served my w and she answered without a peep. we've been completely NC for months. she's very BPD and is involved with someone else (which actually helps in this situation), but not very npd (though still quite enough for me). plan a few steps in advance, both legally and emotionally, so that you're not thrown if a tornado comes.

[ForeverDad]

If you have children, then you will have the complications of custody issues and parenting schedules.  Plan and follow a strategy to be the more involved parent, that will help you later when the court may have to step in and decide who has a history of being not just the more stable parent but also the more involved parent.

If you don't have children, then be very careful between now and then to avoid any accidents.  Sadly, having children does not fix problems.  As wonderful as children are, they can add complications to already difficult divorces.

Also, going forward make decisions that don't make you tied more to the marriage.

• If you have inheritance money, keep it in separate accounts in your name only, not mixed with marital money or else it could be deemed "ours" rather than "yours".



• It's okay to start using personal accounts over time rather than joint accounts.  You don't have to do it all at once if it will trigger your spouse to overreact, but look for excuses to start your own account, such as to get that 'toaster' or bonus money for starting an account.



• Avoid joint credit cards, they're very hard to close if both of you are account holders and the other has racked up debt.  Let one person be the account holder and the other (if financially responsible) can be the card holder.



• Start accumulating the important documents and statements (or copies).  Later on when divorce is impending they could 'disappear'.

Is there a reason to wait until next year?  Our experience is that there is no "right" time to call it quits, waiting for the right time could let you put off pulling the plug over and over.  Not saying you need to rush, it is good to have the time to prepare, but beware of the human tendency to delay.

[DontPanic]

A Couple of thoughts.

1. Remember that your friends and family are not immune to your BPD's charmed. my experience was that the ex went after them first and destroyed my support group. If it has already happened, try to remind them of what is going on and that divorce is painful for everyone involved a measure level headed approach is a great tool for dismantling your stbx's pleas for support from your friends and family

2. Get some therapy, if you are dealing with someone that really is BPD, then your mental health has taken a severe blow. a mental health professional can help you deal with this difficult situation and perhaps give you some tools to set boundaries etc.

3. Read and document everything... especially if you have children and do NOT tolerate abuse, let the police do what they do and do file charges if your STBX presents a threat to you or your loved ones.

I could go on and on, but reading the splitting book and whites book on evidence helped me a great deal


Good Luck

[livednlearned]

GOING TO FILE FOR DIVORCE NXT YEAR, WILL THIS BE DIFFICULT WITH A BPD H?

Any advice,

thanks,

stronger.

A lot will depend on your H's particular BPD traits, and where is at now. In general, tho, getting a BPD sufferer to comply with court hearing and settlement and this and that is very difficult. Things you would never expect to be difficult become very difficult. Sometimes to your advantage, but most often not. Even people who don't have children find these divorces to be difficult.

It can be very triggering for anyone to receive official legal documents in the mail, and for BPD sufferers, it can be even harder. I eventually had to have my ex served because he was not picking up certified mail. Had to decide whether to send the sheriff to his office or not. I figured home was less antagonizing, but still, it triggered him and unleashed a lot of nasty text messages. The certified mail was to get him to appear in court to refinance the house that I basically handed to him. A lot of things don't make sense, but that's nothing new.

We often tell people to document everything -- even if you don't have kids I think it's a good idea. Get your facts and chronology in order so you can respond with calm, factual answers when he inevitably makes wild and entirely false allegations. Even if he has moved on and does not acknowledge you, legal docs are hearings are triggering. The courts create a sense that someone has to "win" and that tends to escalate the BPD behavior.

If I could do it over again, I would be much more careful about getting consequences written up in my orders. For example, if N/BPDx does not refinance the house by date/year then xyz will happen. If he does not give me the title to my car by date/year, then abc will happen. Judges (at least in my court) would rather see two grown adults come up with terms and consequences, and then enforce those consequences than develop something entirely new.

Also, don't let your lawyer drive everything. Yes, they are experts. But they have many cases and can be sloppy at your expense. Making mistakes, wrong dates. Go over everything carefully, ask questions, they work for you. They should respond within 48 hours at the most and should not do anything without getting your ok. Ideally, find a lawyer who understands BPD. If you can't find one, then make sure you advocate for yourself. Close loopholes in every document so that there are consequences when he (inevitably) does not comply. It will save you a lot of money.

One example of non-compliance: you may settle out of court on property, but then he won't comply with the order. Maybe you have to refinance the house, and it's in his favor to do it soon, but he doesn't, then you take him to court so you can get your name off the mortgage, and that costs you money, gets him enraged, and the lawyers add expense to everything with continuances and the judge kicks things down the road giving your ex all kinds of chances to drag things out.

Learn what you can about how the process works where you live.

Also... . be assertive. It's not usually a natural strength for a lot of people here, for nons like us. In one of the books about narcissism I read, the author points out that many codependent people married to N/BPD types tend to hire N/BPD type lawyers.

Always good to see a therapist while these divorces are playing out. They're not easy.

[ogopogodude]

Stronger123, ... . prepare yourself. Document, document, document.

It sounds so silly, ... . but take a camera, ... go to every single room in your house. Take a dozen pics of each room and even what is inside the drawers. (yes, ... . you heard right, ... . take pics of the INSIDE of each drawer and the contents). Then archive it by giving the memory card to your best friend or safety deposit box or whatever. oh, ... & make two copies and store them separately.

Why do this?

When I got back into my house with my two teenagers, ... . my in laws (who are afflicted with the same BPD/npd/temper-ridden/financial-entitlement-of other-people's-possessions gene ... . ) went nutz and literally took EVERYTHING from my house.

I am not sure you know this but there is a form of BPD that one of the characteristics is the attribute of financial entitlement-->meaning, ... what is mine is (100%) mine and what is yours is also (100%) mine". This applies to the BPD's parent(s) as well (as BPD is most likely inherited-->which is soo obvious in my wife's situation).

Just days prior to me taking possession of my house, ... my in-laws took at least 55,000 worth of stuff ... . and this was the stuff that was obvious and I knew about (when a refrigerator is missing it is quite easy to see it gone).

There was the occasional little thing that my mother-inlaw purchased for the two of us (such as two wall sconces with candles inside of them) but then their removal somehow gave my mother-in-law entitlement to take a bzillion $$ of other items, ... . MY stuff. Even the cutlery ... . all plates and soup bowls, even frying pans. They even took items that were fastened to the wall (a nice spice-rack in the kitchen), beds and mattresses were taken (mainly to cover up the fact that my wife urinated and defecated ... . (sorry, ... i guess I am being too graphic, ... I will use the word "soiled", etc etc.

In other words, ... . prepare yourself for the "escape" that you are planning.

Oh, ... . and video tape.  There is nothing like video tape footage.

[stronger123]

Hello everyone,  thank you for all your help so far. Update in answer to yr questions.

1) have no childrens with him.

2) been seperated a year nxt month (on h bday),

3) ive been adviced to wait two years seperation, then the cost will be much cheaper for me.

4) I havnt seen him face to face sinve the day I left him... . he abandoned me and went off with other female.

5) I still got txts msgs from time to time, last one at xmas eve, wishing me a merry xmas and a happy new year and hopes im alright.

6) we was just about to get a morgage , well got accepted was getting finalised, when I found out he was seeing other ppl behind my back, one reason why I left him, but he also switched personality in front of my eyes ( scared me to death). I cancelled the morgage in a matter of days befote we signed any documents.

7). Im now in a new relationship which some how he found out, must of been through my fb acxount, but I blocked him so dont k ow how he found out I was in a new relationship , but any how he had to txt me and tell.me that he knew and that he hopes my new bf looks after me and treats me good.

8). Found out his bkground... . his dad got  schizophrenia and bipola, ad hims mum has been sectioned twice in the past.

please help.

[livednlearned]

Hello everyone,  thank you for all your help so far. Update in answer to yr questions.

1) have no childrens with him.

2) been seperated a year nxt month (on h bday),

3) ive been adviced to wait two years seperation, then the cost will be much cheaper for me.

4) I havnt seen him face to face sinve the day I left him... . he abandoned me and went off with other female.

5) I still got txts msgs from time to time, last one at xmas eve, wishing me a merry xmas and a happy new year and hopes im alright.

6) we was just about to get a morgage , well got accepted was getting finalised, when I found out he was seeing other ppl behind my back, one reason why I left him, but he also switched personality in front of my eyes ( scared me to death). I cancelled the morgage in a matter of days befote we signed any documents.

7). Im now in a new relationship which some how he found out, must of been through my fb acxount, but I blocked him so dont k ow how he found out I was in a new relationship , but any how he had to txt me and tell.me that he knew and that he hopes my new bf looks after me and treats me good.

8). Found out his bkground... . his dad got  schizophrenia and bipola, ad hims mum has been sectioned twice in the past.

please help.

It might go reasonably well for you. Not having a mortgage, being separated a long time, not living together, no kids. Divorce is hard no matter who is involved, but for BPD marriages, yours may actually be lower conflict than many because you don't have a house or kids together, and you aren't trying to get him to move out.

I would check to see what liability (if any) you have while you're separated -- it might be cheaper to remain separated for 2 years, but you also want to make sure that if he does something dangerous or illegal you aren't somehow liable under family law.

Can you consult with a solicitor (before retaining one)? It could be that you just walk into the court, tell the judge you and your ex haven't lived together for two years, haven't seen him in the same time, have no kids, no house, no assets, and the judge grants the divorce then and there. I see it in my court all the time. Maybe it works the same where you are?