BPD exH asking for name of bf

[nowheretogo]

My nBPDexH is now on this kick where he continually asks for the name of my bf, stating that he wants to do a background check.  The current custody laws in PA state that you are allowed to ask this for "members of the household".  He does not live with me.  He has stayed the night 2 or 3 times when D3 was at the house (although ex claims he stays most of the time when D3 is here); but she sleeps in bed with me still, and he slept downstairs on the couch.  exH is also trying to play like this gentleman (who by the way is a true gentleman and an angel in human form!) was in my life "for a long time" (ie, I was having an affair just like he always said, but I had to "make him into a monster" to cover this up).  That is total bogus.  I was divorced in 3/2013, and only started seeing this man in 9/2013.  ExH has sent an article about how long you should wait to date someone after a divorce and before you introduce anyone to your kids, and keeps stating that he is staying single "for D3".  He keeps telling me to not have bf around her.

Now, there is a woman with a young daughter, probably 4 or 5 years old, who I believe is a neighbor in the apartment building.  ExH and D3 have spent signficant amounts of time with her since he moved there last March, including going on a vacation to Ocean City together.  So although he may not be dating this woman, I feel that if I am going to provide the name of bf, that he should provide me her name first.  Doesn't matter if he isn't dating her, she is always around.  I also think that he is probably hiding his alcohol at her apartment and going there to drink while the evaluation is going on/custody is pending.  I know she smokes; D3 mentioned that.

I do not have any concerns about background check on bf; he is clean except for a couple of speeding tickets.  I just feel like I am being harassed and like he is still trying to control my life.

So you have any experience with something like this, and/or suggestions about what I should do?

[sad but wiser]

Yes.  The one and only answer is Nun Ayour.

It is none of his business, he just wants any excuse to be in your life, have your attention, have control.   None of his information would be any good anyway, since BPD's can lie as if it were real.  How often have you believed something that he affirmed adamantly, only to find out later that it was a complete distortion or outright self-serving lie.

Regarding your personal life, it isn't his business.  If you want, you can run a check just to be sure and tell him you did it.  There.  More than one way to skin a cat.

[livednlearned]

If your bf is not a member of your household, he is not a member of your household.

Ignore the requests. But be prepared that your ex will use this in the custody battle. Maybe dial back on the relationship until custody is sorted out. You have to aim for perfect right now, even if it's not fair. Especially after a bad CE and changing to a new lawyer.

Also, once your ex learns your bf's name, he may start to harass him. If you read stories of step parents and what they experience when there is a disordered ex, it might change your mind about how you bring someone into your life. It can be a truly devastating experience.

[ForeverDad]

he continually asks

That's the secret of his power.  He's relentless and he knows that he can outlast unprepared you.  He's done it before and figures he can do it again.  However, you now know his methods and you're not as unprepared as he thinks.

While you may not be able to bluntly tell him to "bug off" or use even worse phrases, you do need to withstand his endless dribble of pressuring.  Let your No mean No.  No matter how much, how often or how long he persists.  Give him the same answer on the 100th time as you did the first time - or better yet just stop answering since you already gave him an answer many times!  You already gave your answer, don't rethink it.  The decision has been made, don't try to reconsider each time.  That's what he wants you to do, he wants you to start doubting yourself or to think, I'll tell him so he will stop.  He won't, it would encourage him to just make even more demands.

Have you ever heard of that old scripture, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."  Actually, the verb there is an active form and other better translations include the phrase, "Keep on asking... . Keep on seeking... . Keep on knocking... . "  Your ex is using that concept of persistence in a negative way, hoping you will eventually feel at fault and give in since surely he wouldn't persist that much if he were not deserving of the answer he wants.

Once you've answered the first time, stop answering.  Would that work?  It may take a while before he gets the message, actually he may never get the message or will just ignore it.  Doesn't matter, just do what you gotta do.

[bravhart1]

Hid my name from his ex for a year. When the T finally said she had a "right" to know because of the child, she began harassing me.

Tried to have me fired from my job, put disgusting things on the internet about me. Filed a bogus child abuse charge against me.

I had to close all social media accounts, including those for work. employers had to be told. cost me $6000 to fight charges. Which were dropped, deemed a lie, and nothing done to her for doing it.

It became a mess of major proportion. When printed documentation was given to T who said she had the "right", ya... . she said "opps!, guess that wasn't such a good idea, sorry"

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes I see a post where someone writes, ":)on't let the ex rent space in your head for free."  That is, don't worry overmuch about it, don't second guess yourself, decide once and then let it go / shut it out / wait until there is a real need to do something.

[marbleloser]

Just ignore him when things like this come up. Don't explain,don't justify,don't interact. Pretty soon,he'll get the picture.

[nowheretogo]

OK, I am getting the point here.  Don't let it get to me. Just ignore it.  bf and I ran a background check on him, result being "No record" and forwarded it to my attorney for him to keep in my file just in case.   My L had sent an email asking for the name of who exH was dating to which exH sent me a long email reply about how he is isn't dating anyone and all of the same crap about my bf again.   I told L not to reply to exH's L anymore regarding this.  Like you all said, he is not a member of the household, so he has no need to know.

[Deep Impact]

Hid my name from his ex for a year. When the T finally said she had a "right" to know because of the child, she began harassing me.

Tried to have me fired from my job, put disgusting things on the internet about me. Filed a bogus child abuse charge against me.

I had to close all social media accounts, including those for work. employers had to be told. cost me $6000 to fight charges. Which were dropped, deemed a lie, and nothing done to her for doing it.

It became a mess of major proportion. When printed documentation was given to T who said she had the "right", ya... . she said "opps!, guess that wasn't such a good idea, sorry"

Welcome to my life you poor ass.