Lack of personal space/physical boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

I was wondering if there is a correlation between PD and lack of physical boundaries; specifically not understanding or respecting personal space.  My 16 YO BPD SD seems to have a HUGE issue with this. Do you know what it's like to have a puppy in the house: when they are near you, they are so close that you are tripping over them time and time again? That's what it's like with my SD.  Most of the time, she steers clear of the family and keeps to herself, but when she is near us, she is always far too near to us. If we are shopping, she is constantly stepping on our heels or running into us. When asked to please back up or give us some space, she always turns the table on us and makes it our fault (what else is new); we walk to slow, we walk in a crooked line, we are trying to block her, etc. Sometimes when I am cooking in dinner, she will come to the kitchen and will stand directly in my work space, not even necessarily interacting with me, but just hovering in my space. Even when having casual conversation, we frequently need to ask her to take a step or 2 back because she stands so closely. Do any of you have experience with this problem, and if so, have you found a way to reclaim your space?

[javieira]

I was wondering if there is a correlation between PD and lack of physical boundaries; specifically not understanding or respecting personal space.  My 16 YO BPD SD seems to have a HUGE issue with this. Do you know what it's like to have a puppy in the house: when they are near you, they are so close that you are tripping over them time and time again? That's what it's like with my SD.  Most of the time, she steers clear of the family and keeps to herself, but when she is near us, she is always far too near to us. If we are shopping, she is constantly stepping on our heels or running into us. When asked to please back up or give us some space, she always turns the table on us and makes it our fault (what else is new); we walk to slow, we walk in a crooked line, we are trying to block her, etc. Sometimes when I am cooking in dinner, she will come to the kitchen and will stand directly in my work space, not even necessarily interacting with me, but just hovering in my space. Even when having casual conversation, we frequently need to ask her to take a step or 2 back because she stands so closely. Do any of you have experience with this problem, and if so, have you found a way to reclaim your space?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Verbena]

I've never heard of this trait being associated with BPD, but it makes sense if you think about it.  People with BPD are very needy and blame others for their behavior.

I did have a student once years ago who had no concept of personal space.  She would lean against me when she talked to me.  She was a sweet girl and it didn't really bother me.  If I had to live with someone who got in my space all the time, though, it would be a problem. 

I suppose all you can do is keep asking her to step back.  Does she do this with others outside the home?

[js friend]

Hi javieira,

My dd19  would actually follow me around our home, often room to room, and come looking for me if she felt i was gone too long. And ther were often times where i would literally trip over her because i didnt know that she was right behind me,and she could never sit next to me... . it always had to be on my lap... . stroking my face... . or other physical touch. Most of need for physical comfort continued until she was about 12yo and then she just kind began to distance herself, and Just like your dd, mine would also accuse me of  blocking her path or walking too closely to her if we were walking together down the street. This would often happen say if a car was parked narrowing the street and I walked infront of her... . it would often end up as a really BIG Problem for her that I had done so.

Dont know if it has anything to do with Pds though. I do know that pwBPDs often struggle with the notion of  boundries though, so maybe this is a related issue. It would be interesting to know.

[javieira]

Verbena, we do ask her to step back all of the time, but she just doesn't "get it". To her, it is almost always our fault that she is too phsyically close.

It's hard to say if she has these issues with others; she doesn't have many/any real friends and I do not know how she interacts with peers at school. I have seen her doing this so a small extent with my other children's friends.   She is not this way with strangers.

I know (oh boy do I know!) that a huge part of BPD is pushing the emotional boundaries of others and it seems to me that my SD has extended the "boundary pushing" portion of the illness to physical boundaries.

[Verbena]

javieira,

I can feel how frustrating this is for you.  And yes, it is about pushing boundaries, in your case quite literally.  I'm not saying you should do this, but I think I might be tempted to  go into the bathroom while she was brushing her teeth and stand between her and the sink just to prove the point that getting in people's space is a problem.  If she doesn't get it already that she is violating your physical space, she still probably wouldn't even if you did do that. 

It's almost like she gets so close knowing you will ask her to back up, giving her a reason to  then blame you.  BPD behavior absolutely exhausts me.  I will never understand it. 

[co.jo]

I think it is a symptom of the illness- my daughter does not have a good perception of where she is in relation to her surroundings- I believe there is a term for this. So when she was younger she was very clumsy, and now as an adult has some very rigid ideas about personal space in public-I guess she has learned the appropriate distance people should be from each other, and it is not a good thing if someone gets too close. Also I went shopping with her last year and she became extremely agitated because I wasn't the exact distance away from her ( i was too far) that she wanted.

[Verbena]

This topic got me to thinking about a third cousin of mine who I'm certain has Asberger's.  No one in the family has ever said, but he has all the symptoms and reminds me of students I have taught who were diagnosed. 

There's an additional trait this cousin has that none of my Asberger's students did, though.  When he speaks, he has only one volume--LOUD.  Really, really loud. It doesn't matter if he's a foot away from you (and he does get too close) or across the room.  His voice will almost blow you back against the wall.  I found myself backing away from him at Thanksgiving and saw others do the same.  He has no clue that he is being inappropriate or annoying.

[Bracken]

Yeah, my D26 has always been a bit "off" in her concepts of space. She has never been very affectionate with us - except when sitting on the sofa to watch tv. Then she will make "baby sounds" and snuggle in an exaggerated way.

A boundary problem I have always had is that she likes to use my things. She likes to take my clothes, make-up etc.

[wideawakemum]

Hi, My 14 year old does this too - when she is in an insecure and clingy mode she will follow me around, talk loudly and way too close to my face - sometimes she will even be grasping onto my legs to stop me leaving or blocking my exit from rooms (this is when things start to turn into an agressive mode for her). I love her to peices but these moments scare me as they feel desperate and like I am walking a line, where her 'physical attention' will often shift to anger and violet behaviour - i try to ask her to step back at these times and not crowd me, but I have to be careful not to ignite her anger at the same time.

I am new to this site (and this diagnosis for my daughter) and finding it so helpful to hear others stories and realise how we really are not alone.

Thanks for sharing x