help her or not

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex-BPD gf broke up with me 2 1/2 months ago because she tought my family didn't like her. She was a bit right about it as they noticed her lies, her attention seeking behavior and lack of maturity. I had a really good relationship with her parents. Two weeks ago I talked to her mom and told her about her daughter most probably suffering from BPD. She told me that she was also thinking about it but said that for the moment her daughter was feeling well and she doesn't want to push her to therapy for now but probably in a few months. I said that I will send her articles about the disease. Her mom was really happy and asked me to keep that secret as she doesnt want her daughter's life to be ruined if other people learn about her disease (she a high functionning who does really well in her daily life). After hanging up, I started asking myself about my motivation doing that. I am still undecided should I send her mom articles and explanations or just mind my own business as I already did more than I should?

[dzstyle]

My ex-BPD gf broke up with me 2 1/2 months ago because she tought my family didn't like her. She was a bit right about it as they noticed her lies, her attention seeking behavior and lack of maturity. I had a really good relationship with her parents. Two weeks ago I talked to her mom and told her about her daughter most probably suffering from BPD. She told me that she was also thinking about it but said that for the moment her daughter was feeling well and she doesn't want to push her to therapy for now but probably in a few months. I said that I will send her articles about the disease. Her mom was really happy and asked me to keep that secret as she doesnt want her daughter's life to be ruined if other people learn about her disease (she a high functionning who does really well in her daily life). After hanging up, I started asking myself about my motivation doing that. I am still undecided should I send her mom articles and explanations or just mind my own business as I already did more than I should?

[Want2know]

Since you did tell her already that you'd send the articles, I think you should.  What you might want to do is state a boundary with her, as well.  What you probably don't want to happen is that you become a 'go to' person for her mom.  That will keep you engaged vs. detaching from your ex - detaching is what is best for you right now.

Can you think of a good way to word a boundary with her mom?

[dzstyle]

Since you did tell her already that you'd send the articles, I think you should.  What you might want to do is state a boundary with her, as well.  What you probably don't want to happen is that you become a 'go to' person for her mom.  That will keep you engaged vs. detaching from your ex - detaching is what is best for you right now.

Can you think of a good way to word a boundary with her mom?

it is a bit hard. After the break up her mom and sister were sending me messages to help me go through the break up, my ex found out and got really mad at them. Since then, her mom erases all the messages and is very careful. I think her mom is also being manipulated by her daughter. After the break up, her mom told me that she is going to make sure that her daughter won't get a bf before she gets better. During the holidays, her mom told me that she had long conversations with her and my ex attitude changed towards her family (my ex used to tell me that her sister was bipolar which I found out later was totally wrong). Now, apparently, she gets more along with her sisters. She also said that she is gonna make sure that she wont have a new r/s before she heals, but 1 month later my sister stumbled into her in a bar with her new guy. I think her mom truly misses me and would be more than happy to have me back in the family regarding how I treated well her daughter during the whole r/s.

[Skip]

What to send?  This is a tough one.  

Maybe this video: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder.html

Maybe something on DBT: www.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=Montreal&state=QC&spec=488

I think her mom truly misses me and would be more than happy to have me back in the family regarding how I treated well her daughter during the whole r/s.

I had a similar experience.  Less might be more in a case like this.  Your heart is in the right place, but this is dicey territory for an ex.  Doing a little (as you have) and letting it go will make your suggestions seem stronger and without a personal agenda.

[dzstyle]

What to send?  This is a tough one.  

Maybe this video: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder.html

Maybe something on DBT: www.therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=Montreal&state=QC&spec=488

I think her mom truly misses me and would be more than happy to have me back in the family regarding how I treated well her daughter during the whole r/s.

I had a similar experience.  Less might be more in a case like this.  Your heart is in the right place, but this is dicey territory for an ex.  Doing a little (as you have) and letting it go will make your suggestions seem stronger and without a personal agenda.

Thank you for your help. On an another hand, her mom also told me because my ex was telling her everything about our r/s (10 times exaggerated of course and always playing the victim) that when my ex told her that she tought my family didnt like her (she based herself on the bday supper my mom did for me. My ex was not feeling well that day because her ex best friend mom that she didn't see for 3 years died that day. she came to my parents house and did talk to anyone staying alone. She was expecting my parents to come and talk to her. At the end, she apologizes to my mom about the fact that she wasnt really in the mood. My mom said no problem and didn't look upset. On our way back home, she just bursted in tears, yelling at me, acting like it was the end of the world). When she told the story to her mom (probably exaggerated or victimazing herself), her mom told her to get off the r/s. For telling her that, her mom never apologized to me.

[Skip]

When she told the story to her mom (probably exaggerated or victimizing herself), her mom told her to get off the r/s. For telling her that, her mom never apologized to me.

    Moms aren't perfect.

Have you about Triangulation?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.msg1200251#msg1200251

There is good and bad... . you want to stay in bounds here.

[ShadowDancer]

The question that popped into my head upon reading this is... . who exactly is being "helped" with this covert management and revelations of your interpretations of her issues. I'm not too sure this help is a good idea as IMO you are still in full "stealth engagement" mode. First and foremost it involves "secrets" and ongoing hidden communication with her family. If this was a marriage of some duration I could understand inter familial involvement and possible intervention by all parties involved but this is not the case... . as you my friend are just another boyfriend/object in her long string of such, as hurtful and damaging to your pride as that may seem.  

In my case my exes daughter was bewildered by her PDI mothers behavior and I went out of my way to purchase her a library of half a dozen books on BPD and PDI, mailed them and I let it drop from that point. No discussion. No ongoing inter family involvement. No meddling in the affairs of their long term and painfully complicated dynamics. That family has the right to decide how they are going to proceed with this long term ongoing problem in their own way as "my" relationship as it was is now over... . hence my active involvement. After all, as stated... . I was just her most recent boyfriend.

I do believe you should consider the concept of boundaries and motives and potential fall out at this juncture. Not only hers but also your own.

And please consider further the simplistic approach of "she broke up with you because your family didn't like her". That was just her convenient out... it is all much more complicated than that.

[dzstyle]

I finally sent an email to her mom with some articles about BPD. Surprisingly her mom calls me 1 hour later to ask about how I was doing. Talked to her sister as well. Both very happy to talk to me. Still told her about all the lies she told me during the r/s. Mom says that they are working a lot on talking to her (2-3 hours conversation). Does those conversation help meaning that the BPD will take lessons out of them or it just gives the illusion to the family that the BPD is getting better. Her mom right after the breakup told her to stop talking bad about me what she is probably doing at home but on some pics she posted on fb (she blocked me but saw it through my friend's) you can see quotes like better be alone than with someone who hurt you. She is probably coping by telling everyone around that I was the one who hurt her. How long usually it takes them to detach? After 2 1/2 months, Is it possible that i still go through her mind?

[Skip]

The question that popped into my head upon reading this is... . who exactly is being "helped"... .

It's a good question. 

I finally sent an email to her mom with some articles about BPD. Surprisingly her mom calls me 1 hour later to ask about how I was doing. Talked to her sister as well. Both very happy to talk to me.

They like you and they sympathize with your heartbreak.  They care about you.

Does those conversation help meaning that the BPD will take lessons out of them or it just gives the illusion to the family that the BPD is getting better.

This is where your expectations are not so realistic.  Is mom going to have "you need to see that you are making a mistake" chat with her daughter?  If she does, will her daughter take well to mom meddling in her love life?  If she is given and does accept the advice that she made some bad choices, will she elect to learn from them rather than reverse them? If she reverses them, how long will she stick to it? How will she react to learning that you supplied this info to her mother?

You get the idea.

If you are hoping to rekindle the relationship, you be best to leave all the BPD and relationship talk out of the conversations with mom going forward.  You've said enough. You don't want them to shut down.

You've volunteered more than enough information already.  If mom asks, answer her questions simply-- otherwise I'd goi mute on the subject of the relationship and BPD.

[dzstyle]

The question that popped into my head upon reading this is... . who exactly is being "helped"... .

It's a good question. 

I finally sent an email to her mom with some articles about BPD. Surprisingly her mom calls me 1 hour later to ask about how I was doing. Talked to her sister as well. Both very happy to talk to me.

They like you and they sympathize with your heartbreak.  They care about you.

Does those conversation help meaning that the BPD will take lessons out of them or it just gives the illusion to the family that the BPD is getting better.

This is where your expectations are not so realistic.  Is mom going to have "you need to see that you are making a mistake" chat with her daughter?  If she does, will her daughter take well to mom meddling in her love life?  If she is given and does accept the advice that she made some bad choices, will she elect to learn from them rather than reverse them? If she reverses them, how long will she stick to it? How will she react to learning that you supplied this info to her mother?

You get the idea.

If you are hoping to rekindle the relationship, you be best to leave all the BPD and relationship talk out of the conversations with mom going forward.  You've said enough. You don't want them to shut down.

You've volunteered more than enough information already.  If mom asks, answer her questions simply-- otherwise I'd goi mute on the subject of the relationship and BPD.

Thank you skip for your advices. But, my question was actually can a simple conversation mom-daughter make the daughter change and dont act the same way in her next relationships. Can she be "healed" just by talking? Her mom told me that they know now that she is a pathological liar so they corner her everytime she says something. Does this attitude will make her become a new person? or the only way to change is active CBT

[ShadowDancer]

DZ,

    Respectfully we here on the boards only have our own personal subjective experiences and attitudes and we share our thoughts on the in common experience with the stated and understood goal to develop a strategy to overcome and heal our own issues arising from the BPD interludes that we may have in common.

In consideration of your obvious hopes... . sorry... . no crystal balls.

I would suggest you ask yourself one simple question. Do you "believe" that BPD is a mental illness?

P.S. I'd take that sound advice from Skip... . and dummy it up.

[Want2know]

But, my question was actually can a simple conversation mom-daughter make the daughter change and dont act the same way in her next relationships. Can she be "healed" just by talking? Her mom told me that they know now that she is a pathological liar so they corner her everytime she says something. Does this attitude will make her become a new person? or the only way to change is active CBT

Just a few thoughts... . remember, she grew up with her mom - the dynamic has already been set between them, most likely.  What her mom says to her has years of pattern setting.  It would be unrealistic to think that conversations between them, even with her mom 'armed' with some knowledge, will help.

CBT can help.  The caveat is it's only as good as the person's determination in wanting to seek it out and change.  Even then, it takes some sense of resolve on her part to stick with it, and assimilate the knowledge she learns.

What are your hopes?  That she changes and you can resume a relationship with her?  

[Tausk]

IMHO, without very much knowledge, I'd say GET THE HECK OUT.  Almost no one with BPD actually gets much better, so stay away from the her family.   If people with BPD got better, this board wouldn't have the millions of posts and growing every day.  You've mentioned the Disorder to her mom.  That's all you can do.  

My ex's family both wanted me to engage and vilified me at the same time.   There's nothing that says you're interaction with the family will help your ex at all. In fact, if your ex learns that you were the one who gave the family the information on BPD, you ex might out-of-hand on sheer principle, discount and deny any validity in the concept that she might have BPD.  You actions might be the ones that drive your ex away from getting help.  

And it's her FOO, not your in-laws anymore...  They are going to have to deal with each for possibly the rest of their lives...  My ex's mom stole at least one of my ex's old bf.  The dynamics in a household with anyone with BPD is intense and risky.  Are you sure that your ex's mother or sister isn't BPD herself.  You might not really know unless you really figured it out.

I finally figured it out, my ex's mother was even more Disordered than my ex.  But they got along in their own ways.  Basically, the mom ruled, and if my ex countered she was disowned.   Her brothers on the other hand were nursed until they were five or six, and one is closer to a violent NPD.

What I'm saying, is think about your own FOO issues.  And we don't even have BPD.  What kind of deep down dynamics are in your ex's FOO?

And  boundaries are two way streets.  Neither side crosses the median or else destruction.  How would you like it if you ex were in secret discussions on how to get you into mental health treatment because you are a dysfunctional obsessive-compulsive codependent who lost himself to a messed up girlfriend  

So, do no harm.  Get out.  Break the connection to your ex.  She has to find recovery on her own.  We have to find recovery on our own, but we have others who are doing it with us, so we aren't alone.

Just my opinion, based on no actual understanding of your situation.   I might be totally wrong.

Good luck,

T