A BIG Win-After 2 days of trial, Judge rules that BPD ex-wife committed fraud

[jjfad]

I've been a long-time lurker and feel compelled to give back to this community.  Most importantly, to give those in the midst of a divorce some hope that the truth ultimately does come out and justice actually does happen if you don't settle in mediation and actually go to trial.

Summary:  I was married for 6 years to a uBPD woman. In the final year (hater phase), she pushed me to the limits and I filed for divorce.  She stole money and property from me. The divorce case and fraud case were combined and proceeded in front of same judge.

Facts:  Me, 41 y/o male.  She 37 y/o uBPD female.  Her Mom is dBPD. Her Grandmother (Mom's side) was uBPD.   We had NO KIDS (Thank God!).

The madness:  My ex-wife was living 3 parallel lives.  In her first life, she pretended to be my dutiful wife.  In her 2nd life, she was a student having an affair with a 67 y/o professor.  In her 3rd life, she was the girlfriend of a gym trainer.  She lived these 3 lives AT THE SAME TIME.  She stole money and property from me. She was receiving money from the 67 y/o professor and trying to scam him to buy her an apartment.  She moved in with the gym trainer when I changed the locks on the house. All of this was shown in evidence in court.

The evidence:  We introduced 67 pieces of evidence at court including:  emails, text messages, hand-written notes, photographs, a hidden bank account, deposition testimony from 36 people including her co-workers, fellow-students from her school, and her friends.  I hired a private investigator, used a former secret service guy to find hidden accounts, and had her inner circle of co-workers and friends deposed.  All of this was put in to about 30 trial exhibits as we prepared for trial.

More madness:  start to finish, this took almost 3 years.  Why?  Because BPD ex wife told her wealthy uncle that I had abused her physically and emotionally for years. She manipulated him to pay for her attorneys. He hired 3 separate law-firms to battle me. I spent more time than usual on discovery and production of documents.  Every time, her attorneys reached the same conclusion... . that she was caught red-handed committing fraud. As each of her attorney's gave her the bad news, she would fire them. She even fired her last attorney 8 weeks before trial so that she played the role of her own attorney at trial.

Final judgement:   Divorce was granted from BPD ex-wife.  She received ZERO alimony, Zero in attorney fees, Zero interest in any of my business holdings, she was found guilty on 2 counts of fraud (fraud in the inducement), Wife's name was ordered to be removed from my property, Wife gets ZERO monies (both premarital or marital). The judge was appalled by the facts. He told the professor to get the hell out of his court-room.

My only advice to those of you locked in legal battles... .   dig for the truth. The lives you think your BPD ex lived versus what they were actually doing is very different. Gather evidence of every sort. That evidence is very valuable in court.

Finally...   thank you to everyone for posting their experiences. None of us deserves what we went through. Have the heart of a warrior and you'll soon overcome this experience. As much as I despise what I went thru and my ex, I love who I've become.

[maxen]

that's brilliant jjfad. thanks for reporting it. i need a bit of encouragement going onto my D and it's good to read that some people get satisfaction. good for you!

[livednlearned]

Wow. I'm happy it worked out well for you, especially after 3 long years. I'm sure it wasn't cheap, either.

Is there anything that your ex must do to comply so that you can move on? Will the court order be enough to go on when you remove her name from the deed? Or do you need her to sign anything... .

[ForeverDad]

Sad that you had to go to such lengths to unwind your marriage.  It's astounding what 'settlements' are like when the ex is totally unreasonable like a combined immovable object + irresistible force + brick wall.  I guess add in gold-digger too.  I settled in my divorce.  What was 'settled' at the 2 year point of final decree was 'resolved' at the 7.8 year point.

Will the court order be enough to go on when you remove her name from the deed? Or do you need her to sign anything... .

That was my thought too.  Often if there is no compliance you have to go back to court a few times to find out how to get consequences.  Hopefully the consequences for non-compliance were also spelled out in the decision?  In rare cases judges have signed in place of the ex, but most judges don't want to go that far.

My advice, if you do have to go back to court to get compliance, bring all the papers with you that need to be signed so that ex can't promise to comply, walk away and still not do it.  Get it done right there with the judge sternly staring at her.

(In my temporary order, three times I was in court asking the judge for access to our child's therapy records since the agency was not allowing me to bring our child to therapy on my parenting time.  I kept getting a form back saying I was likely a danger to our child or others.  I had parenting time but couldn't bring our child to therapy or freely discuss with the therapist.  First time judge said I had statutory rights to records in the temp order.  Second time my then-stbEx promised the judge to sign permissions but didn't, she started claiming HIPAA privacy with agency to block me.  The third time I went prepared with a motion to get the judge's order releasing them to me, finally that worked.  However, despite the obstruction judge apparently saw no reason to switch temp custody to me.)

[copingwithhim]

jjfad,

Good on you! This gives me such hope for my case.  I too am in the middle of a divorce, now going on two years and no end in sight.  Would you allow me to PM you, as some of the circumstances of my case are similar to yours, but would like to be careful of what becomes 'public/semi-public.'

cwh

[jjfad]

Wow. I'm happy it worked out well for you, especially after 3 long years. I'm sure it wasn't cheap, either.

Is there anything that your ex must do to comply so that you can move on? Will the court order be enough to go on when you remove her name from the deed? Or do you need her to sign anything... .

So, the court order was issued in Sept 2013. She had 10 days to comply and kept evading. We made the decision to file a contempt motion. I had discovered via the private investigator that she had also started a new job. All throughout the case, her uncle supported her and she told the judge she could not work due to the stress of the fraud charges. 

We made the decision to have her served 2x in the same day for 2 different motions.  The first motion was served at 6am at her apartment. The second motion was served at 11am at her new job.  That rattled her and she signed the quit claim deed to remove her name from the property on that day.

Also, it's important to note that the property fraud she committed was on a property I owned pre-marital for 7 years before I had ever even met my BPD ex-wife.

Fast forward... .   I listed my house. I received 6 offers in 5 days and sold it!   Closed that chapter...   starting a new chapter.

[jjfad]

Yes - the judge actually used the word 'gold-digger' in describing her.

My advice which worked on my ex BPD is to hit them hard and shake them from reality when they don't comply.  If you're going to serve them, serve them at 6am.  Serve them at work in front of everyone.  Spread out the hearings and depositions.  Make them leave work on monday, wednesday, and thursday of the same week.  Even if they're not working, it's uncomfortable for them. Be as ruthless as they are.  It will certainly elevate the tension, but nothing else really worked until we used ultra-aggressive tactics.

Sad that you had to go to such lengths to unwind your marriage.  It's astounding what 'settlements' are like when the ex is totally unreasonable like a combined immovable object + irresistible force + brick wall.  I guess add in gold-digger too.  I settled in my divorce.  What was 'settled' at the 2 year point of final decree was 'resolved' at the 7.8 year point.

Will the court order be enough to go on when you remove her name from the deed? Or do you need her to sign anything... .

That was my thought too.  Often if there is no compliance you have to go back to court a few times to find out how to get consequences.  Hopefully the consequences for non-compliance were also spelled out in the decision?  In rare cases judges have signed in place of the ex, but most judges don't want to go that far.

My advice, if you do have to go back to court to get compliance, bring all the papers with you that need to be signed so that ex can't promise to comply, walk away and still not do it.  Get it done right there with the judge sternly staring at her.

(In my temporary order, three times I was in court asking the judge for access to our child's therapy records since the agency was not allowing me to bring our child to therapy on my parenting time.  I kept getting a form back saying I was likely a danger to our child or others.  I had parenting time but couldn't bring our child to therapy or freely discuss with the therapist.  First time judge said I had statutory rights to records in the temp order.  Second time my then-stbEx promised the judge to sign permissions but didn't, she started claiming HIPAA privacy with agency to block me.  The third time I went prepared with a motion to get the judge's order releasing them to me, finally that worked.  However, despite the obstruction judge apparently saw no reason to switch temp custody to me.)

[jjfad]

jjfad,

Good on you! This gives me such hope for my case.  I too am in the middle of a divorce, now going on two years and no end in sight.  Would you allow me to PM you, as some of the circumstances of my case are similar to yours, but would like to be careful of what becomes 'public/semi-public.'

cwh

Yes, I will help in any way that I can.  Reach out via PM and let's connect.

[maxen]

Serve them at work in front of everyone. 

i really wanted to do this. i was so violated by what she did and she was so furious about others knowing what went on that i really wanted to have her exposed. but my L calmly but firmly assured me that decent means get the best results. no need to poke BPD bears. we did prepare for it though, in case her L wasn't around to accept service. i even gave a picture of her and also her car w/ license plate in case the server needed to identify her and i thought, what the hell has my life come to.

[livednlearned]

My advice which worked on my ex BPD is to hit them hard and shake them from reality when they don't comply.  If you're going to serve them, serve them at 6am.  Serve them at work in front of everyone.  Spread out the hearings and depositions.  Make them leave work on monday, wednesday, and thursday of the same week.  Even if they're not working, it's uncomfortable for them. Be as ruthless as they are.  It will certainly elevate the tension, but nothing else really worked until we used ultra-aggressive tactics.

I think this depends on whether you have kids. Destabilizing your ex can really hurt the kids. I think you need to be firm, and assertive, and have strong boundaries. But when there are kids involved, you have to weigh how things affect them.

My guess is that your ex would've lost in a landslide whether she was served at 6am or not, no? It seems like what helped you was having a lot of documentation and a crack team to help reveal the whole sordid story.

[jjfad]

I agree.  For those of you going thru this with kids, you can't be as aggressive.  I only recommend these tactics if you dont have kids and are going thru a divorce with a disordered partner.

Having an overwhelming case did not matter in my case. My ex was so dissociated and so far removed from reality.  The judge would ask her if she understood the implications of the fraud charges and she would reply that she's not here to discuss those but rather to get money to pay her bills. 

When things would get overwhelming for my ex during the case, she would simply fire an attorney and shut out.  No response for 8 weeks.  It's during those periods that you have to play the aggressor.

Even after the judgement was handed down, she acted as if it didn't apply to her or that the judge wasnt serious. She was trying to befriend the judges assistant for months as if she could manipulate the judge thru her.  Absolute madness.  I had to break these periods of madness with aggressive tactics.

My advice which worked on my ex BPD is to hit them hard and shake them from reality when they don't comply.  If you're going to serve them, serve them at 6am.  Serve them at work in front of everyone.  Spread out the hearings and depositions.  Make them leave work on monday, wednesday, and thursday of the same week.  Even if they're not working, it's uncomfortable for them. Be as ruthless as they are.  It will certainly elevate the tension, but nothing else really worked until we used ultra-aggressive tactics.

I think this depends on whether you have kids. Destabilizing your ex can really hurt the kids. I think you need to be firm, and assertive, and have strong boundaries. But when there are kids involved, you have to weigh how things affect them.

My guess is that your ex would've lost in a landslide whether she was served at 6am or not, no? It seems like what helped you was having a lot of documentation and a crack team to help reveal the whole sordid story.

[jjfad]

I actually had a rather friendly, non-aggressive attorney. I explained BPD to him and at first my own attorney was in disbelief. As he deposed each witness and got more and more of the picture, he started to agree with me that we need to take a more aggressive stance (especially in the periods where she kept firing her attorneys).

Serve them at work in front of everyone. 

i really wanted to do this. i was so violated by what she did and she was so furious about others knowing what went on that i really wanted to have her exposed. but my L calmly but firmly assured me that decent means get the best results. no need to poke BPD bears. we did prepare for it though, in case her L wasn't around to accept service. i even gave a picture of her and also her car w/ license plate in case the server needed to identify her and i thought, what the hell has my life come to.