My 22yr old daughter

[yogablue]

Hi there, 

I’m new to the site, and have a D22BPDd who was diagnosed about 2 years ago.  It’s been a rough 10 years as many of you who’re parents of BPD’s would know.  I’m still getting my head around it all and reading a lot on the site which is really useful and comforting (and scary at the same time!)

So much of what I'm reading rings true for my daughter.  I know many of us as parents feel responsible in some way or that we could have helped earlier, and I’m trying to be level-headed about this.  I spoke to my daughter yesterday about her diagnosis and what rang true for her about it. 

She said it was her feelings of abandonment and always feeling empty.  She is actively seeking a T at the moment, of her own accord, and I really want to help her in her quest for the support she clearly needs to find a team that will help her over the long-term as it's clearly going to be a rough journey.  She no longer lives with me, which is good in a way, and is learning to be independent but is fairly dysfunctional in her romantic relationships, giving up university /college study, unemployed etc.

I said to her yesterday that I will always stick by her and love her as her mother to which she said “I know mum”.  I explained that I don’t know much about psychology but am willing to learn and will always support her and listen to her.

 

Regarding a possible early childhood experience of abandonment that could have started this whole thing, the only event that I can think of is when she was nearly 2 years old, I was still breast-feeding her once a day, when I suffered toxic shock syndrome.  I was admitted to hospital during the night gravely ill, and spent 5 days in hospital while they tried to work out what was wrong with me.  My daughter has two older brothers, and I was too ill for the children to visit me in hospital as I had no energy and couldn’t lift my head off the pillow,  was vomiting constantly with high very temperatures.  This is what I’m now thinking may have caused her early feelings of abandonment, me disappearing for 5 days without any warning?   Who knows.

A question here though please:  my daughter is about to embark on therapy, so is this something I should discuss with her, what happened at a young age, which she probably doesn’t remember or know about, or should I wait some period of time and perhaps discuss it with her T?  It’s so difficult to know what to do or say.

She was always a sensitive child from an early age although very much loved and wanted (fear of the dark, ‘wobbly’ things like her high-chair etc).  In primary school she became slightly overweight and her older brothers teased her about this.  I tried so hard over the years to stop them doing this, putting soap in their mouths and telling them it was ‘not on’ but I know they continued to do it often behind my back.  Their father was around and even worked from home at this time, but he wasn’t involved with any of the children, focussing on work and his business.  I stayed at home with the children until my daughter was about 7yrs old.

When my daughter was about 13yrs, she refused to go to school and I believe now that she was being bullied at her all-girl high school at the time (in the sense that she was excluded and 'cold shouldered' from her group as she no longer fitted in for whatever reason).  Even though I was in regular contact with the school counsellor/guidance officer, nothing could convince her to go to school. 

We took her to see a child/adolescent psychiatrist who prescribed anti-anxiety medication and treated my daughter over a period of 4 years.  My daughter told me yesterday that the psych. helped a lot at the time.  The psychiatrist recommended we call the police to force her to attend school by taking her in the police car – I just felt this was so wrong and rejected that measure, but I could have made a mistake on that?  Again, who knows, we just try to do what feels right at the time.

 

I feel so sad that her environment at school, and at home, would’ve been the worst thing for her with conflict on all fronts, having a sensitive nature and I was powerless to help her.  Her psychiatrist saw her until she was 18 and spoke to me regularly, stating she couldn’t make a clear diagnosis but believed my daughter suffered 'separation anxiety' but no sexual or other abuse.  Having seen Blaise Aguirre’s video, I just wish these diagnoses could be made earlier! :'(

Our family went through a period of 3 years where our 13 year old daughter refused to go to school and basically stayed in her bedroom only venturing out to eat and go to the bathroom.  She was binge-eating and gained a massive amount of weight.  During this time she was like an angry animal, raging and screaming and sometimes becoming physically aggressive, especially with her father who didn’t handle this situation at all well (we are now divorced.)  I have so much more to say, but this is a long post already and I'd really like to hear from other parents about their experiences and how they are coping.

Cheers

yogablue

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

Holy smokes, sometimes it is so weird to see our own children lived at someone else's house!  :)This is so similar to my daughter- and I too tried hard to figure out where the abandonment feelings came from. All I could come up with was the birth of her siblings, and she visited me often while I was in the hospital. I don't think there needs to be a precipitating event, it is just part of the illness, and I bet some day they will find something in the brain to explain it.

My advice? Therapy for BPD does not dwell on the past, and so, the situation you think may have "caused" it, doesn't really matter. I think all kids like to hear about things that happened before they remember, but unless you were talking about it in that context, I wouldn't bring it up as something that is responsible for her problems today.

My daughter refused to go to school in her teens too, but I don't think it was bullying so much as perceived bullying, because she did not know how to fit in. She also took anti-anxiety meds in her teens, which contributed to her weight gain. She is only now, at 27, committed to losing that weight.

Is your daughter still on meds? I only ask because our situations are so eerily similar, and my daughter had a very difficult time withdrawing from those drugs, so much so that she will never take them again.

I also divorced my children's dad, and I hate to say that at age 26 she developed a whole story around being an abused child, (not to deny that there was some inappropriate responses from both of us to her violence, especially when we tried to restrain her from hurting her siblings), and first severed ties with her dad, and now me because I apparently let the abuse continue.

But, aside from relationships , my daughter is functioning well and willl graduate from university this spring.

Good luck, and it is awesome that you are such a good support for your daughter.

[yogablue]

Hi co.jo

thanks so much for your reply!  It's so nice being able to chat to another parent who's been through something so similar, as it does make you feel alone doesn't it?

I appreciate your comments re T not focussing on the past, so I won't mention it to my D.  I'm sorry to hear that your D caused you pain by saying she was abused as a child and you let it happen, that must feel so hurtful.  But as we know they can be extremely cruel.  When I met my current husband, my D said to me many, many times that she'd laugh in my face when he left me.  (We've been very happily married for 4 years and my H has a great relationship with my D and it works well as he's very good at setting boundaries with her visits, which she follows.)  She ended up going to live with her father at that point.

She's lived in 3 different shared-houses in 2 years and they always seem to fall apart for one reason or another.  I'm so pleased that your D is doing okay and about to graduate and living a fairly normal life.  That must be a huge relief for you apart from not seeing her any more (or is that a good thing for you, it possibly is!)

Do you mind me asking what type of therapy your D has (or still has?)  I don't know much about them, and obviously some work better for particular pwBPD than other individuals.  Does any type of T involve the parents - if their child wants them to of course?  So many questions!  My D and I have a fairly good relationship and she does talk to me - but often only what she thinks I want to here!

Yes, my D is still on meds, anti-depressants which she has a long history of taking for short periods and then stopping.  She sunk into a huge black hole 2 months ago when she broke up with her second bf and started the AD's again.  She also takes Ritalin for ADHD which worries me, she told me recently she 'can't concentrate' enough to function at all without these, but said she can't take them indefinitely.  I have my suspicions that she saw a T knowing all the ADHD symptoms as a friend of hers told her Ritalin was good for losing weight!  The only comforting part (?) is that the psychiatrist sees her every few months is prescribing both meds so knows she is taking both!

It's interesting that your D had a reaction to meds and refuses to take them.  I think BPD's do have a complicated relationship with meds from what I can see, would you agree?

Thanks so much for your kind words, it means a lot.

[peaceplease]

yogablue,

   I had a similar situation, too.  When my daughter(29) was only two, I was admitted to hospital and was in for 10 days.  She wanted nothing to do with me when I came home.  She was mad that I abandoned her.  She stayed with my sister when I was hospitalized.  Through the years when she was growing up I was hospitalized many times due to exacerbations of an auto-immune illness.

My daughter was always very clingy to me while she was growing up. 

I believe that my daughter was predispostioned to BPD from her dad.  My former therapist told me that she believed that my x husband was BPD/NPD.  My theory is that his dad was NPD and mother BPD.  And, his sister BPD, along with her three children.  I left him when my children were very young. my son was 3, and my daughter 10 months.

My daughter blames her illness on me marrying my current husband because she did not like him.  And, tells me that I pick loser guys, and so does she.  She tells me that it is my fault that she is so screwed up.  I have been married to my current husband for 15 years, and he is so good to me.  My daughter loves/hates him.

According to my daughter, her therapists blame me too.  She is also a pathological liar.  So, I don't know what to believe. 

My daughter takes Adderall for ADD.  Also, she is on methadone treatment for opiate addiction.

It is good that your daughter is seeking therapy for herself.  What is her relationship with her brothers like?  Her father?  My daughter is estranged from her dad.  His choice.  He is no contact with my kids.  It is him, not them!

[pessim-optimist]

Hello yogablue,

With others, I want to say:



And welcome to the parenting board. 

You have many good questions, and I believe in due time you will find your answers... . co.jo has good advice about focusing on the present and future in your dd's therapy. Her present hardships and coping skills or the lack thereof is what she needs to overcome. (There is often a genetic component to BPD, and as you say, your dd is very sensitive - yes, your being in the hospital when she was a baby may have been a major trauma for a sensitive child, but that event by itself probably did not cause her BPD - it is a very complex illness and the factors for developing are complex)

Each person suffering from BPD is unique. There are also similarities. So, certain types of treatment tend to work better than others. You may have already come across it, but in case you haven't, here is a good link regarding therapy options: BPD: Treatments, Cures, and Recovery

Welcome again, yogablue

[co.jo]

I think your therapy questions were answered if you checked that link. My daughter was supposed to be receiving dBT, but she told me her therapist thinks she has PTSD , you know, from all the abuse, and not BPD. And if he was really specializing in BPD I think he would not have come up with this. Hopefully you have access to some specialized treatment which does include the family, My daughter is across the country from me, so we couldn't be part of it.

How are your other kids with your daughter? That is one of the difficult things in our family, 2 of my other kids won't have anything to do with her, and I wish I could have prevented that somehow. That is part of what has led to her being no contact with me.Although she did send me the link to her grad photos the other day, I was happy about that.

Anyway, it has been a long haul on the way to independence for my daughter, but after she lost her job a few years ago, she decided to drive across the country with all her belongings and her cat, and she suffers from anxiety! Off she went, drove for a week and arrived in Montreal, where she didn't really know anyone. Just a couple of internet contacts, one of whom said she could stay there for awhile. Turned out to have bopolar disorder and was in a paranoid state, but that's another story. I was very proud of my daughter for having the courage to do this. Unfortunately didn't work out so well, she ended up broke and homeless and eventually in the psych ward. But that was good as she got a little help re-starting her life, and was much more responsive to those people, if I had been there she would have expected me to fix everything.That is one of the things that I think is really important, if we don't fix everything they will do a lot more for themselves. Anyway it was during that hospitilization that BPD was mentioned, and then she did the research and found it totally fit her. So then she looked for a therapist .

Now she seems pretty normal, I am sure her friends do not know she has bPD. She has a boyfriend who seems to know how to manage things, and does super well at school and work. A long way from how she was in her teens, when we were all afraid of her, she didn't attend school, and I did not think she would ever have a good life.

[yogablue]

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your replies, I'm still figuring out where to find them but I'll get there!  I live in Australia, so there's also the time difference happening.

I hear you, co.jo, regarding you DD heading off into the blue yonder, it can be concerning.  My DD currently has this idea that she's heading off to a city 1,000km from here, to go and stay with her 'new best friend' who she met last year, and her mother!  Living km's outside the city, where she will find it difficult to find work - and my DD has no training or skills behind her.

Thanks for your post, peaceplease (what a great name!) our DD's experiences sound similar.  As to a pre-disposition to the disorder, I'm not sure where to look for that.  Well maybe I do!  My paternal grand-mother and uncle committed suicide, but that was so many decades ago that I'm not sure I can find out the issues behind that... . it was rather awful as they both shot themselves.

Thanks for the link pessim-optimist, I will check it out!

To answer some of your questions, my DD has two older brothers (26yo and 29yo) and naturally the havoc she caused in her teen years made them very resentful of her.  When she avoided school for so many years, she didn't wash or brush her teeth and was binge-eating (never SI as far as I know) but as I remember she seemed like a screaming raging animal.  But sadly, I do know that my sons teased her about her weight during that time, it was a huge source of angst for me, berating them/withholding privileges to them for doing it, and  I now know years later they just continued behind my back.  It was a very difficult time for the whole family, including my sons who resented her for playing my (now ex) husband against me.

I still have so many questions, and have been reading through the lessons on this site the whole weekend since joining.  It gives me great comfort to be here, thank you so much. 

One thing I'm a little puzzled about, is that my DD is actively seeking a therapist at the moment.  She has calmed down a lot over the last 2 years (perhaps since she no longer lives with me and I'm not enabling her) and we get along okay now, unlike in the past when I was her enemy.  Her diagnosis was HF DPD, so possibly she is a lot worse with her partner - when she has one - and hides a lot from me?  (She doesn't live with me any longer, but is in the same city and we see each other once a week for a general catch-up.)

Is this unusual for a pwBPD to actively seek a therapist?  She sees a psychiatrist who prescribes anti-d's and Ritalin for ADHD, but as I mentioned earlier I have a suspicion she had an agenda in obtaining the latter, as she had heard it can help lose weight!   This is so confusing for me and I'm sure for so many parents of a pwBPD.

Perhaps I really should be positive about this, that she recognises there is something seriously wrong with her?  I think the catalyst to her wanting to see a psychologist to talk to her, was her latest break-up with her bf 6 weeks ago.  She's told my husband and I that the bf had all the qualities of a NPD, but we'd only me the guy twice so are in no position to comment!  It could be her own interpretation of her own inability to have a 'normal' relationship.

My DD's reaction to this latest break-up sent my radar through the roof.  She was so full of hate for him, and spent weeks on the computer looking up 'what was wrong with him' which just seemed so out of whack as she was only with him for four months.  She actually had this cold hard stare and said she'd like to kill him, which scared the h*** out of me!

I'm not sure if any of you know any Australians on this site (we live in Brisbane) as I think if my DD engages in what will no doubt be a lengthy period of therapy, we really need someone with experience in BPD?

Thanks guys, I'm so pleased to be here.

yogablue

[Bracken]

Hi Yogablue

Welcome!   

I can identify with so much in this thread: ADD, bullying as a constant theme, stormy relationships, turning one parent against another - and a horrifying ability to be really really hateful.

My D is now 26. It is still the same roller-coaster that we have been on since she was about 12. And before that, there were already the problems with ADD, extreme anxiety and even depression.

I am glad you're here. Take care --

[yogablue]

Hi there 

Yes peaceplease, my daughter was also clingy although I was a stay at home mum until she was 7yo when I went back to work.  As a little girl she was scared of the dark, petrified of some insects, loud noises (fireworks) etc.  It must be so hurtful as a loving parent when your D blames you for everything, as you also had health issues yourself.  Interesting about her relationship with your H.  My D will respect my H’s boundaries (not her father), which is a blessing for me after years of divide and conquer with her father!  They are so different with people who they don’t know well aren't they?  It sounds like your D’s father has a lot of issues, none of which helps.  Is she still blaming you at the age of 29?  It does make you wonder sometimes if we’ll ever be ‘free’ of all the nonsense.  Perhaps we just learn to separate ourselves from the drama.

Thanks for the comment pessim-optimist, I guess we all try to work out ‘where it all went so wrong’ as my daughter was much-loved and wanted following the birth her two older brothers.  I accept that I’ll never know the cause of it, but I do know that I wish I could’ve created a more peaceful environment  for all three of my children while growing up.  There was constant conflict and fighting between them, which was SO unlike the way I grew up.   I just didn’t know how it all unfolded like that.  Their father was around even working from home, but always very inconsistent, never even getting involved in our two sons’ lives much.  Even though we had lots of help with support groups etc, he just seemed to throw fuel on the fire all the time.

When I divorced her father (which was amicable) I was conscious of providing a safe haven for my D, but she was still full of rage against me.  I broke my Achilles tendon when she was about 16 and when I was on crutches she nearly pushed me down the stairs.  At this time she did once push me over a coffee table and used to wake me up often in the middle of the night.  This is difficult for me to say, as at one point when just she and I lived together my D was ordering me around and constantly yelling at me.  One evening I actually offered her a knife in the kitchen and said ‘stab me, guess what, I’ll bleed’.  I hate to think now what could’ve happened, but she recoiled in shock.  The rage and anger is very difficult to deal with and my heart goes out to any parent experiencing this.  I confided in no-one, until I met my now-husband.  They were awful, horrible times, and often I was afraid of her as she’s physically much bigger than me.   She and I have never discussed these things since, and I don't intend to although they hang there in the air between us now.

co.jo, I know what you’re saying w.r. to your other children.  My sons have had a long history of disliking their sister, for obvious reasons.  Slowly, they are getting along better, but my sons (aged 26 and 29) live in a different city from my D which is probably good for them!  There’s no doubt the siblings suffer a lot.  It must’ve been heart-warming for you when your D sent you her grad photos.  I can’t imagine it!  How wonderful for you.

Yes, I so agree with you, for too long I tried to ‘fix everything’ but my H insists my D can’t live with us (along with the other 5 children between us!)  This is good for my D, to be independent, and make mistakes and grow as an adult.  Right now, reading the boards, I’m actually feeling sorry for any future partners of my D!  I don’t think she’s as high functioning as your D, as she can’t seem to study and concentrate and has had 3 failed attempts at doing 3 different degrees at university, despite being intelligent. She gives up easily, and always has.   I’m now accepting she may never be trained in anything and never ultimately get a decent job.  She lives on social security.  Maybe my D needs to find a psychiatrist and get on the ‘right’ meds?  It’s encouraging to hear how well your D is doing, thanks so much for sharing that.

Hi bracken!  I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still on the roller-coaster with your D. Yes, they can be extremely hateful, which as a parent is so hard to get your head around when you love them.  My D has also suffered from anxiety and depression since she was 11yo.  Thank you all so much for listening to me, I’m sorry about the long post!

yogablue

[Roux58]

I too blame myself for my 25 year old daughter's BPD. She is smart and beautiful, finished college (after 7 years) and has such rapid changes in moods that she has managed to alienate all her friends, much of her family and is now in rehab for behavioral modification at Caron Renaissance in Boca Raton. They really seem to have a handle on her manipulative behavior and don't care a bit that her father (my ex) clearly has BPD. I am not permitted to email or speak with her (its been 5 weeks) and they have decided that I need to come down for two weeks and live with her on premises to help her control her behavior. Much of her rage is directed at me but almost everyone who has crossed her path has experienced some of it. It began when she was almost 4 years old and brought my first son home. I am sad and anxious and glad to know there are others out there who understand. I just wish they had the BPD equivalent of Al-Anon.

[MammaMia]

I personally believe the genetic component of BPD and acute abuse as children are the main causes for this devastating disorder.  However, many of our pwBPD do not fall into the severe abuse category.

As parents, we feel the need to explain and or place blame on where BPD came from.  It is a normal part of being a parent.  However, the trauma (If that was the cause) could be something we had absolutely no part in.  Could be related to an incident or incidents when our children were growing up that we are unaware of, i.e bullying, bad daycare providers, or even a teenage romance gone bad. Children from wonderful, loving homes who were parented in an excellent way still have BPD.

To accept perceived blame only adds to the stress and guilt of trying to deal with a mentally ill child, and this is even more difficult for parents whose BPD child is adopted and their background is unclear. 

This is the hand we have been dealt, for whatever reason.  We need to accept the fact our children are ill and deal with it.  No one has all of the answers that surround BPD.  In some instances, its origin is a mystery, and self-blame will not make it go away.

It is what it is. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

MammaMia is correct in saying that there is a genetic component to BPD.

There is a short article in the right panel offering a balanced way to look at the whole situation -->

Did I cause this?

No matter what, since the effective approach to BPD is not intuitive, most likely we did not know how to deal with the emerging BPD behaviors effectively.

Now, we can focus on improving what can be improved, and possibly creating a better present and future.

[yogablue]

Hi, yes I agree that it can be pointless trying to work out 'what' or 'where it all went wrong'.  As parents we feel accountable, but the truth is we can't always be.

We experience the rage, ups and downs, anxiety and depression associated in this disorder with our children.  Personally I wish I'd come to a site like this years ago when my dd was a teenager, as looking back I did enable much of her behaviour (and was positively terrified of her at times, especially when I lived alone with her after divorcing her father.)  She then turned the rage and abuse fully on me.

It does offer some comfort that we do our best at the time in the very difficult situation we find ourselves in.  The fallout is huge, I read somewhere today that something like 67% of families with a child with BPD end up divorced. The impact on the other children in the family is also a worry.  My dd is 22 and her brothers are 26 and 29.  Only now are they slowly starting to get along with her - my sons live in another city which probably helps somewhat! 

My sons were acutely aware of the 'divide and conquer' tactics, the histrionics, rages which had the effect of paralysing the family, not knowing what was really going on... . so confusing for parents but sometimes the siblings see it much more clearly than us.

I understand that you are sad and anxious, Roux, it's part and parcel of the disorder, isn't it?  Feeling guilty and worrying about our children.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi, yes I agree that it can be pointless trying to work out 'what' or 'where it all went wrong'.  As parents we feel accountable, but the truth is we can't always be.

I think that part of the process is actually good and healthy - looking back, and trying to understand what happened and how. That helps us in the present and future.

What I think many parents are prone to, tough, is blaming themselves even if they don't understand the whys and also beating themselves up over the past that can't be changed... . We all want happy and healthy children, and when that doesn't happen, the guilt starts... . This second part saps our energy and doesn't really help us help our children in the present.

I really like the example of a mother that lovingly feeds her child only to find out that her child is lactose-intolerant. If she were to continue to feed her child milk, she would be negligent. But does that make her negligent for not knowing in the first place?

We need to be able to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and lack of knowledge, and then do the best we can with our newly gained insights. 

[yogablue]

That's a very good point pessim-optimist. It's human nature to try to understand and it does help us somewhat in the present (hopefully!) by trying to process the past.

You're right about the guilt part, although looking back I don't feel that's been the most difficult part of raising my daughter.  Certainly the 'not understanding' what was happening, trying to find support and help from mental practitioners were concerning.  I honestly believe I did the best I could at the time and my dd has said she knows 'I tried' which is pretty huge.

Interestingly since my dd left home about 3 yrs ago, our relationship has improved in leaps and bounds!  Having my intuitive, understanding but no-nonsense husband has helped as he's very good at setting boundaries and yet listening to her.  She comes to talk to us (not so much about her disorder as such) but she seems to value our input.

My deepest pain to be honest has been the fact that my dd couldn't live with us.  But as clarity slowly dawns, I now realise this is the best thing for her.  She is becoming much more independent, doesn't ring me with any little thing that goes wrong (and plenty does!) as she did previously.  So we're not enabling her or fixing her problems, but are still here for her.

I'm just so pleased that she talks to me now, and is seeking my help in finding a therapist.  She knows I love her.  We're getting there, I've found a couple in our city and will chat to her about them tomorrow... .

[Hanuman]

if I had been there she would have expected me to fix everything.That is one of the things that I think is really important, if we don't fix everything they will do a lot more for themselves.

This statment rings true in many way for me and signifies an area I need to work on.

Yes, I so agree with you, for too long I tried to ‘fix everything’ but my H insists my D can’t live with us (along with the other 5 children between us!)  This is good for my D, to be independent, and make mistakes and grow as an adult.  Right now, reading the boards, I’m actually feeling sorry for any future partners of my D!  I don’t think she’s as high functioning as your D, as she can’t seem to study and concentrate and has had 3 failed attempts at doing 3 different degrees at university, despite being intelligent. She gives up easily, and always has.   I’m now accepting she may never be trained in anything and never ultimately get a decent job. 

So does this quote.

My 18 year old daughter went to university last year and quickly had a meltdown ending up in emergency, the psychiatrick ward and being evicted from university due to the commotion she caused there.

She wants to go to university again this fall but is just not putting the pieces together that she hasn't saved for it.  In fact she spend most of her money in a two spending sprees that ended in February.

I've always been the parent the kids come to fix things.  I can see whats coming again and I don't want to fix it yet also know the impending melt down and that ensues.  Im not saying I would pay for everything as the fix it rememdy, rather that if I say I am not coming down to help get her set up as I don't see if lasting if she hasn't saved well (though our gov't enables by provding generous student financial assistance here).

I've being trying to address financial mgmt with her for a long time, it just seems my daughter gives up easily.  Also she seems to have difficulty tying together the concequences with her spending actions.  I suspect univeristy won't go well with long hours focused studying required. 

I just sense an impending situation coming and struggling with my old role of fix it guy and not wanting to do that but to help her learn financial mgmt which she doesn't seem to want to learn.  It seems life may have to be the teacher, if I'll get out of the way.  Its like a controlled burn situation I see coming and how best can I ensure her safety and my sanity.

I'll keep reading, and try and come her more often. 

[yogablue]

Hi Hanuman, and welcome!  I really get what you're saying with your dd.  The lack of financial control, the inability to save and use money 'wisely' when finances are tight, these apply to my dd too who currently lives in a 'dive' and on social security, with no training or real prospects of a job.  Lately she has been short of $ and says it's because she's eating out a lot!  My h and I rarely eat out because we can't afford it... .

I feel at the moment like I'm walking a tight-rope, which I haven't for a while since my dd doesn't live with us so things have been relatively calm for a few years, but has my dd recently been triggered - big time - by the break-up with her bf and has had a huge melt down.

I'm in a state of not quite knowing what will happen next atm.  Together we've found a T for her who she's seen once last week and feels she is 'understanding' and my dd has some hope for the first time in a long time.

Although I really don't like being like this as I'm generally positive and believe in possibilities, it feels like I'm waiting for my dd to sabotage the T (which will be DBT )and which I know is a long process and a long and sometimes confronting road which requires her to commit to it and do the hard yards, which no-one but herself can do.

A part of me is hopeful (as I know is my dd) that things will get better for her in her life, but the other part of me who's been through 11 years of the disorder has a gut feeling that it's all going to go pear-shaped when my dd mistrusts something about the T and turns on her or the T itself.

I've been today for the first time in my life to see a T myself.  I want to learn how to communicate better with my dd, or at least to keep the communication lines open, and to learn more about her T.  I'm reading books like Valerie Porr's and Randi Kreger's 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.  I think I need to learn mindfulness myself, that thought I have (like above) are just thoughts to look at for what they are.  I'm so tired of trying to be one step ahead, when there is no logic there (in my world v. my dd's world.)

I love my daughter very much, and my heart goes out to her that this is her lot in life, but at the same time my h and I have our own lives to live.  It's just that getting the balance sometimes is really tricky.

I think the best thing I can do right now is tell my dd that I love her, and have hope that things will get better for her.

Sending all of you a virtual hug and thinking of you on your own individual road.

yogablue