DD back in hospital

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

On Tuesday dd16 overdosed again.  This has been such a confusing time for us.  I have been so mad at this situation.  We have felt completely helpless as she goes from hospital stay to hospital stay.  This is her 3rd serious attempt on her life and her 10th hospital stay and in between all that she spent 1 year in rtf.  She claims to have been raped by a man with a knife at 3am less than a block from our home in April 2011.  She says this is what is bothering her so much. Yet she won't seek help in dealing with her pain and trauma.

We have done everything we possibly can do for her and she refuses to completely open up and get any benefit from counseling.  Our plan now is to give her a choice of whether to start talking to someone... . just tell a professional everything that is bothering her ... . or go back to residential or a therapeutic foster home or anyplace but home.  She laid in a room just across from me and took all those pills and threw up all over the floor and texted her friend and then went off to school to get them to help her go to the nurse because she just couldn't do it alone.  Now she expects us to kiss her behind and treat her like a princess because she tried to kill herself.  I drove up to see her on Saturday... . it took 1 1/2 hours to get there and 2 1/2 hours to get home because of traffic accidents and fog and potholes and all I got out of the visit was her crappy attitude with me because I'm not signing her out of the hospital.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear crazed

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and your dd. These set backs are are to take and and so frustrating.

Is there anything else going on in her world? My dd would overdose at times to keep friends and get attention. There were a few times she had made new friends and it always seemed to be the time she would overdose like she was afraid of losing them.

One of the videos I watched on this site from Dr Blaise Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder in this video at one point talks about how these kids are at the ER like a revolving door. When they stay on 3East they don't have the parents come visit. I posted the link in case you want to see it. At one point we were told not to bring our dd to the hospital anymore... . she could go to ER to see if she was ok but instead of going to P hospital for a week it would be better to bring her home. I really don't know what to make of that advise but we did stop taking her to p hospital after SI.

She wasn't seeing a therapist? or was she just not talking to one? My dd had a set back at exam time and it was pretty shocking to us... . we had not seen that kind of behavior in some time but I guess it is a reminder that there are no quick fixes and there are always going to be set backs crazed... . it is just the way it is but hopefully in time the space between these SI will get longer and longer and there will be more time of stability.

I know you are are mad and I think that is the way I would feel too... . take some time for yourself... . there is no need to rush to see her everyday... . she is in good hands. Take the time to take it all in. Maybe at the hospital they will have some advise for her.

[crumblingdad]

Damn crazed I'm so sorry to hear this. I think you may be right to set a boundary and look at the possibility of an RTC.  The old saying of the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  If she's not being safe at home and she keeps returning to the hospital at some point you have to consider finding a different alternative.  The key is finding her someplace that will meet her needs and has the skills to work with her.  10 hospital stays sure is a lot that must be so frustrating.  She's obviously in tremendous pain and it's so hard not to be able to find the solution to relieve it.  

Just remember you've done everything you could and you have to take care of yourself throughout this and remember that you didn't cause it, can't control it and you're not going to cure it.

How long has it been since her last RTC and how did that go?

One of the videos I watched on this site from Dr Blaise Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder in this video at one point talks about how these kids are at the ER like a revolving door. When they stay on 3East they don't have the parents come visit.

I love this video and I think the idea of not visiting them in the psychiatric hospitals is brilliant.  Our dd was hospitalized 3 times and I watched this video during her 3rd hospitalization and applied it for the last 5 days of her stay.

[crazedncrazymom]

jellibeans,

She was in partial hospitalization from august until the end of November and has been with family based therapy since she has been home.  She also sees a crime victims counselor so there are plenty of people to talk to when and if she chooses.

Crumbling,

She was in rtf for 1 year and has been home for 6 months.  Her behavior has gotten much better aside from her suicidal ideation .

I spoke with her last night.  She agreed to talk to a counselor about what's going on with her before she comes home so fingers crossed

[theplotthickens]

If you needed permission to use the hospital time as respite, here it is!  Get some rest.  HUGS!

[crazedncrazymom]

Thanks theplotthickens!  I haven't had a chance to welcome you here so 

I'm definitely trying to take it easy and taking my time to figure this out. 

I sure understand the concept of not visiting in the hospital and was really planning on trying that this time.  However, they seem to want to keep her there longer this time so we are visiting.  She's been there almost a week and they have no discharge plan.  During a meeting today dd said that the dr said it would be a few more days.  The therapist didn't seem happy with that and said she needed to talk to the dr.  DD is not giving a reassuring safety contract.  "I can't kill myself because I already took all the pills I had".   Everyone is trying to be on the same page and working to figure out what new therapy we/she would like to try.

[crumblingdad]

No that doesn't sound like a very safe contract  

I'm glad she's safe at the moment ad hopefully they can help you with choosing the right decision for what's next for her.

your daughter and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - keep us posted!

[pessim-optimist]

That is so tough, crazed... . I am hoping for your little girl, that something will click and this will be a positive turning point for her.  

Everyone is trying to be on the same page and working to figure out what new therapy we/she would like to try.

At least she's safe for now... . I am praying for wisdom and insight in what it is your dd needs right now.

[jellibeans]

Keep us posted crazed... take it one day at a time... . I hope tomorrow goes well for you

[peaceplease]

crazedncrazymom,

I would hope they keep her longer after a third attempt!  I hope the treatment team comes up with an ideal discharge plan.  I am wondering if maybe she would need a  mini refresher at RTF? You said that she was doing good, except for her SI. 

I hope all goes well today.

peaceplease

[jellibeans]

crazed


I hoping things are going good for you and your dd... . just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts... . sending a hug  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I hoping things are going good for you and your dd... . just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts... . sending a hug  

me too. 

Let us know how you and dd are doing when you feel like sharing... .

Take good care of yourself, ok?

[peppersnap]

Hey Crazed

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I'm so sorry this has happened; I hope that you and your daughter get the help you need xxx

[crazedncrazymom]

Thanks for asking!  DD came home yesterday.  I have so much to sort out.  I suspect this wasn't an actual attempt, but a way of getting attention.  She has a couple of friends who weren't talking to her anymore.  At some point she started texting them and asking for help because "I just can't do this alone".  They agreed to meet at school and take her to the nurse.  Since she's been home they've been texting like crazy to each other.  Also, she had access to plenty of pills (see my post electronic safes) and says she only took 20.  During the first attempt she took 70 and the second she took 100.  This time 20?  I asked her about it and she said I dunno. 

So onto my next thing:  DH has been diagnosed by 3 different pdocs (who have never met him and just heard the stories from dd and noticed that he never visited or called during the year she was in rtf... . along with stories of his out of control temper).  I agree with the diagnosis but wonder if maybe it's npd or a co-morbid BPD/npd diagnosis. 

In the past I've always just said "respect your father" and not talked to them about how crazy it is to live with him.  I can't even describe our lives with him.  I can say that I have always felt like he would like to put us on a shelf so we don't make any messes in his life and take us out to play when he gets lonely.  Completely 100% on his terms.  Our needs/wants don't even register with him.  Anyway lately I've been validating their feelings and letting them vent about dad.  They both say they love him and knows he loves them but they will never have a relationship with him.  That just breaks my heart.  But, I'm stuck in the middle and am trying to dance on the line of letting them vent and trying not to make their relationship worse by adding fuel to their fire.  I hope that makes sense.

Anyway our crazy lives just keep on being crazy.  We've gotten through another crisis.  The anniversary of dd's rape is coming up on April 4th.  We are trying to prepare for that.  I imagine she will need a lot of support.

[pessim-optimist]

Do you feel like this has successfully reinforced her brain connection between suicide-attempts and getting attention? That might be a major theme for therapy... . Reversing that, and building better coping skills for getting what she needs in healthier ways... .

But, I'm stuck in the middle and am trying to dance on the line of letting them vent and trying not to make their relationship worse by adding fuel to their fire.  I hope that makes sense.

It does make a lot of sense... . I think it ultimately comes down to the same principles of validating their experience, and steering them towards productive ways of dealing with it, giving them the tools to get their needs met and modeling healthy coping skills... .

It's easier said than done - you too are human, and you too have needs, and you too need support... .    

Anyway our crazy lives just keep on being crazy.  We've gotten through another crisis.  The anniversary of dd's rape is coming up on April 4th.  We are trying to prepare for that.  I imagine she will need a lot of support.

That will be a tough one... . Let us know if/how we can help, ok?

[jellibeans]

dear crazed

How are you feeling about dd coming home? Was this just a small bump in the road? My dd had many of her overdosings when she was trying to keep friends... . or making new friends. There has always been a strong link.

Crazed your description of walking the line is something I am familiar with as well. I really handle most of the issues with my dd because my H really can't cope... . I have just accepted that... . he has a stressful job and lacks the ability to sympathize and empathize. I think things got better when I stopped expecting support from him. He has not done any reading about BPD and he don't care to. He knows she is ill but does try to find a way to talk with her so they don't have a relationship at all. For me I am just trying to have the most stable home for my kids right now... . especially my dd16... . she just doesn't do well with change. When she finally is able to leave then I will have a chance to rebuild my relationship with my H.

Please let us know how things are going... . I am thinking about you... . sending a hug your way

[Gidget]

So sorry for all your going thru CrazyMom I haven't been on for a while I hope your daughter is able to start working thru this. I will keep you in my prayers