So confused. The lies. The extreme attachment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I've been away for about 2 weeks on vacation with my kids, without my uBPDgf. The day before I left we got in a huge fight about her drug use. I told her I was sick of it and she needed to recognize the fact that she could have come with us if it had not been for the drugs. As per usual she said she was going to stop when we moved in together.

While I was away she seemed pretty cool with it. When I got home things were ok for a few days, nothing major except extreme attachment from her and a million 'I love you so much' and 'I miss you'. While I was away I decided to not monitor her spending or worry about what she was up to. It was really relaxing to be honest.

About 3 days after I got home we were discussing about a woman who I am friends with that I also used to work with. She asked if this woman had texted me lately and I said yes. She flew into a rage about it, accused me of lying and was just nasty to me. I reminded her that there is also 'lying through omission' and she clammed up right away, dropped it. So this made me wonder what has she been not telling me. So I gave into my gut and checked her phone texts and bbm messages.  While I was away I discovered she did the following:

She loaned money to a guy named Larry, I've never heard his name before

She bought flowers for her mom and friend for valentines day

Bought jewellery for her best friend

Went on another amazon shopping spree

I went to her place a couple of days ago, her male roommate was boasting about how great the haircut she gave him was. She never mentioned she did this to me and has NEVER offered to do my hair. She said that her cousin asked her to do it as he didn't have time. I was just really shocked as she has has told me she dislikes this guy many times to me. I don't get why she would do something for someone she hates.

She also called me yesterday in a rage accusing me of being somewhere else as I was driving to her place. Surprisingly this roommate that she hates came home that morning and said he saw my truck somewhere else. I got very angry about this and lost my temper. When I got there she said she was sorry and misunderstood him. I asked her why she would even believe anything this guy says.

I'm just confused. How can she says she loves me, I'm the man of her dreams and have treated her better than anyone  but keep lying and hiding stuff from me. I love soo many things about her but I just can't understand this! 

[btechpc]

So I've been away for about 2 weeks on vacation with my kids, without my uBPDgf. The day before I left we got in a huge fight about her drug use. I told her I was sick of it and she needed to recognize the fact that she could have come with us if it had not been for the drugs. As per usual she said she was going to stop when we moved in together.

While I was away she seemed pretty cool with it. When I got home things were ok for a few days, nothing major except extreme attachment from her and a million 'I love you so much' and 'I miss you'. While I was away I decided to not monitor her spending or worry about what she was up to. It was really relaxing to be honest.

About 3 days after I got home we were discussing about a woman who I am friends with that I also used to work with. She asked if this woman had texted me lately and I said yes. She flew into a rage about it, accused me of lying and was just nasty to me. I reminded her that there is also 'lying through omission' and she clammed up right away, dropped it. So this made me wonder what has she been not telling me. So I gave into my gut and checked her phone texts and bbm messages.  While I was away I discovered she did the following:

She loaned money to a guy named Larry, I've never heard his name before

She bought flowers for her mom and friend for valentines day

Bought jewellery for her best friend

Went on another amazon shopping spree

I went to her place a couple of days ago, her male roommate was boasting about how great the haircut she gave him was. She never mentioned she did this to me and has NEVER offered to do my hair. She said that her cousin asked her to do it as he didn't have time. I was just really shocked as she has has told me she dislikes this guy many times to me. I don't get why she would do something for someone she hates.

She also called me yesterday in a rage accusing me of being somewhere else as I was driving to her place. Surprisingly this roommate that she hates came home that morning and said he saw my truck somewhere else. I got very angry about this and lost my temper. When I got there she said she was sorry and misunderstood him. I asked her why she would even believe anything this guy says.

I'm just confused. How can she says she loves me, I'm the man of her dreams and have treated her better than anyone  but keep lying and hiding stuff from me. I love soo many things about her but I just can't understand this! 

[GreenMango]

It really sounds like you two have very different expectations.  Have you discussed yours with her?  What are her expectations of you?

[btechpc]

I just don't get how she can tell me she loves me, acts like such but then keeps all these things from me. Is the lying only going to get worse or bigger? Is she talking crap about this roommate so I don't suspect the worse?

[maxsterling]

BPD aside, do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel you need to read her text messages to see what she was up to?  It's hard to say what she thinks she is getting by being deceptive, but what matters is how it affects you.  She's going to do what she wants to do, and if her lying is hurting you - it's hurting you.  I'm not sure how you approach this issue, but from what I read there are some trust issues here, and trust issues are big red flags for any relationship. 

I know in my relationship I get the extreme attachment.  And I mean EXTREME.  But she doesn't lie to me like this, at least with her current goings-on.  The biggest lie she has told me was in not disclosing the severity of her mental health issues to me before moving in with me.  If I were having to worry about what she was saying or doing when I wasn't around, I don't think I could handle living like that.

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure why she's lying about it.  It's hard to say.  Generally speaking the hiding things and lying if not addressed will continue.

have you checked out thestaying board llessons on communication?  This is a sensitive subject amd using those tools can help smooth out the rough edges if you want to talk about it.

clear communication and healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship but are even more important in a BPD relationship.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I went to her place a couple of days ago, her male roommate was boasting about how great the haircut she gave him was.

She has a male roommate? That is probably not too good. You have already put the idea into your own head, but that alone is a pretty big 

My gf claimed to have had a gay roommate before meeting me and he would come in a spoon with her. Strange right? She thought it was funny. I'm sure she would have had sex with him if he had been straight. Or maybe she did. Who knows what the truth is.

The impulsiveness brings everything into question... .

I just don't get how she can tell me she loves me, acts like such but then keeps all these things from me. Is the lying only going to get worse or bigger? Is she talking crap about this roommate so I don't suspect the worse?

Most likely the lying will get worse. The more they get away with, the more it will grow. As far as the discrepancies between what she says and does, I have thought about this to the point of driving myself insane. At one point I had decided that she had no conscience, but then she would do something that indicated otherwise. She would usually tell me things to make herself feel better, but they were always just a version of the truth. Then I decided she must just be using me and I am a putz. Most of it has to do with that fact that they have no comprehension of love or what it truly means. She most likely "loves" the fact that you support her financially, but she does not connect that to your true concern about her well being. I have never decided on how I really feel about this subject. Instead I have detached myself while still caring about her. I watch her actions and do not give much credit to her words.

I'm glad you took some time to yourself and went on vacation. Always take care of yourself first.

[btechpc]

Thank you for the replies on this issue. So many red flags, I think that the time has come to just bite the bullet and end this whole thing. I love her with all my heart, but I feel as though I'm going to wake up in 5 years and be asking the same questions.

I think that the lying will get worse as you have indicated. I caught her in another lie yesterday. She showed me a random number that called her phone, and that I agreed it was suspicious. I then asked her about another number on her phone and she acted like she had no idea who's number it was. I have a photographic memory so I

Made a note about it. I googled it and found out that it's the number for her roommates brother. I'm just done with this. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like my love is being wasted on her.

[ATLandon]

Thank you for the replies on this issue. So many red flags, I think that the time has come to just bite the bullet and end this whole thing. I love her with all my heart, but I feel as though I'm going to wake up in 5 years and be asking the same questions.

I think that the lying will get worse as you have indicated. I caught her in another lie yesterday. She showed me a random number that called her phone, and that I agreed it was suspicious. I then asked her about another number on her phone and she acted like she had no idea who's number it was. I have a photographic memory so I

Made a note about it. I googled it and found out that it's the number for her roommates brother. I'm just done with this. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like my love is being wasted on her.

You can only imagine how you will feel in an other 5 years, but trust me, you don't even want to try to imagine that. I can tell you from a guy that has been with a uBPD woman for close to 10 years it is extremely painful. For me, the odd thing is that as our relationship gets better the more resentful and angry I become for having taken so much crap. And I'm tired. So. Dead. Tired.

Do yourself and your children a favor by cutting your losses ASAP. Make a solid plan, though don't let her know that you are making plans to leave/detach. She sounds very similar to my wife, and if she is, she will do every crazy thing imaginable to stop, slow you down, or at least make your life hell in the process of trying to break up with her. Best of luck.

[Love Is Not Enough]

For me, the odd thing is that as our relationship gets better the more resentful and angry I become for having taken so much crap. And I'm tired. So. Dead. Tired.

So true.

I think the healthier we get (and the more we detach) the less we are able to tolerate any bs and the resentment grows.

[Front runner]

Hi. Just to say I too was in a similar boat. What I've learnt is always look at the actions not the words. Her accusing you of having contact with a girl from work. Red flag. Her ringing her roommates brother. Red flag. You checking her phone. That's your intuition. Listen to it.

Bpds are incredible liars and manipulators while we play make believe with ourselves.

I checked my ex's phone around new year before she'd had a chance to erase stuff. She was carrying on with at least five other guys. Arranging to spend valentines day with one, having told me she had to babysit her younger brother. Another asking how well hung her was. Setting up a date with an Italian guy(my immediate replacement) someone from her work- late night bar asking what she was doing after her shift. The list went on and on. I had to recharge the phone. My point being after that rant is that it doesn't get better. It gets worst. The more your dignity gets taken away the less self worth you have. The less self worth you have the less they respect you. The less they respect you the harsher the betrayals become. It's a vicious cycle and you can get taken down big time. I know I have and I also have a child

Who she couldn't be around and used her time away from him and me to get validation elsewhere. She was also heavily into drugs for the first year. I'm probably out now 18 months later but my god the repair bill is going to be immense! Go as far as you want with thi but it reminds me of me... . feeling for you!

[btechpc]

Thanks for the reply's everyone.

I came home tonight and threw up because I looked at her phone again (gut telling me to) and there was a text from her friend. The short version of the text was that she had bought her girlfriend a Tiffany necklace as a bday gift and her friend was protesting it. Her response was "it's ok, he shares his wealth with me, so I'm sharing it with you' and my stomach just started turning. This is after I told her months ago to control her spending, plus I've been fully supporting her financially for 6+ months. I just can't take it and tomorrow I'm going to drop the hammer down and break up with her. I know it's going to suck, but I just can't see myself living with someone who professes to love me and tell me I'm the best thing in her life, but can lie straight up to my face about so many little things. I just feel like I will never trust her ever. I feel soo ashamed about the whole thing as I have put so much time into her and taken away from my kids to be with her. I really have to thank you all for your help. I just feel like such a fool. So much time and energy wasted.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a big   and she took advantage of it. That is on her. The main thing is that you recognize that and are doing something about it. Good luck. I hope it goes well.

I also hope you stick around here for awhile and take a hard look how you got into this. Your rescuer tendencies, that I think a lot of share, can get you back into the same mess again. Personal growth is the silver lining for the all the heart ache suffered.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi btechpc

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this trust stuff, sounds like it is common among everyone here.

I too have the same issues, and it has always caused problems.

When it suited my BP, he would do the disappearing act for days and nights, telling me he had his phone if I wanted to call him, but when I would occasionally try to, he would never answer it most times. This would be at nights, and from late afternoons onwards, occasionally in the early mornings too.

His stories about sleeping in his car/his phone close/being a light sleeper etc never added up if he wouldn't answer it, (he is homeless).

Now, after smashing yet another phone of his own, (and last year, my new phone) he is currently in use of an old Nokia mobile I have lent him.

His stories since I met him, are that he never puts credit on his phone because he can't afford it apparently on the unemployment benefit, yet he has money for other priorities always. To date, he has been through about 20 different numbers, because when you don't put credit on a prepay cheap SIM card, the phone companies usually threaten to disconnect the numbers after 6 months or so.

For all I know, this could be yet another elaborate lie too, since BP has no trouble stealing when it suits him, or doing other dodgy stuff with his own justifications for all of it. I suspect that he likes to use phone boxes to make calls because he believes himself free to act like a monster and nobody can catch him doing it, no trace.

Meanwhile, for 4 years, I have been subjected to constant accusations, provocations and all forms of his disgusting justified abuse because he is upset because "I" am cheating apparently.

Yesterday and today were no exceptions, all because my Iphone beeped with a reminder and this set him off again.

Mostly, I keep my phone on silent when he is around, because it just saves me more grief.

Today he is no longer staying at my home, because I have grown weary of explaining that he is not welcome unless he is willing to seek help of some sort like he admitted he needed to often in the past.

I wont be holding my breath or holding out hope for that.