What did of divorce did you... file\use?

[Mike76]

What type of divorce did you file?  I know laws are different state to state, or even varies by country you live.

In my case, there are no children, no major assists, my income about twice my wife, and in total are well below $100,000 income.

My wife says right now, she will never sign papers(making me wait 2 years), but I thought I would throw my options out there.

Although my state allows fault divorce I would never go this route,  this leaves me with 3 options.

1)  [ We sit done with the same attorney and hash things out... . I do not think is a option for me, especially because my wife does not want to divorce.

2)  The normal divorce, we each hire a attorney and let the courts do it work.   Although this is what most people do, it seems painful... .   Family court, judges,  etc.

3)  collaborative divorce... .   If my wife refused to sign this is not an option, but if she changes her mind I like this option. Does anyone have any experience with this?   This is my understanding of how it works.   We each hire an attorney, we meet with our own attorney individually and let our own attorney know our own interest\desires. We then sit down in a boardroom\table together (each of us and each of our attorneys). From my understanding one session about the house, one about possessions, one about the 401k, one can be about can I ever speak to my family again,  etc.  It is encouraged to invite a mental health professional to one or some\all of the sessions,  you also and invite a financial planner to one of sessions.    The biggest problem I see if my wife changes her mind half way through, you fire the attorney and start with a new one and file a different type of divorce.


I am not going to fight for anything other than... .   She gets  up to 1/2 of 401k,  1/2 of the house equity, and no more than alimony for a only a couple of years.

[ScathednConfused]

Hey Mike76,

Although my state allows fault divorce I would never go this route

I would start by offering the suggestion that you not rule anything out. Given the complexity of the law coupled with the instability of the BPD mood, you want to ensure you don't shoot yourself in the foot by prematurely setting a boundary.

When my wife decided to leave I was crushed, she dictated that we would have a legal separation and when I was out of school in two years we would discuss a disillusion (basically you agree on everything and take it for a judge to sign). Since then she has hired an attorney and filed for divorce. So for me I would have told you, legal separation -> disillusion, however it now seems that divorce will be my answer.

The normal divorce, we each hire a attorney and let the courts do it work.   Although this is what most people do, it seems painful... .   Family court, judges,  etc.

This is true that many people do this but I would argue that it is not by choice. If you cannot agree 100% on the division of everything, even through mediation, then you have no choice but to go to court and sue for divorce.

I am not going to fight for anything other than... .   She gets  up to 1/2 of 401k,  1/2 of the house equity, and no more than alimony for a only a couple of years.

From my standpoint, you are being very generous.

Hang in there

SC

[ForeverDad]

I am not going to fight for anything other than... .   She gets  up to 1/2 of 401k,  1/2 of the house equity, and no more than alimony for a only a couple of years.

You have a 6 year marriage.  Not yesterday, but not a long term marriage either.  Your state's laws may dictate being more generous but this is what's reasonable:

• How does your income compare to hers?  Are your incomes roughly similar?  If so, then the 'need' for alimony is minimal.  If you earn more, remember that it wasn't a long marriage, in most cases alimony lasts for not more than half the length of the marriage and often much less.  Rather than it being money to pay an ex to sit on his/her butt, it's should be intended to aid the person to quickly update skills and find a job or career.



• Half the 401(k)?  No - half of just the contributions and growth during marriage.



• Half the equity?  No - half the gain in equity since marriage.  If you paid more of the bills than her, that might reduce her portion, ask a local lawyer.



• Your inheritance is yours, just as hers is hers.  Be sure to keep it in a separate personal account and not jointly with spouse.  Don't mix it with marital accounts.

Do you see that we here are inclined to be very, very nice and fair?  (That's probably what got us into this mess and kept us here for far too long.)  However that niceness and fairness isn't reciprocated in most cases.  In other words, using a well known saying, it's like hugging someone with a knife in his/her hand, you can risk getting a knife in the back.

Finally, to repeat, beware of being "too fair".  Your fairness will not be reciprocated.  If you send your 'best' offer, she will want more.  If you send a 'somewhat reasonable' offer, she will want more.  No matter what you offer she'll likely want more.  No matter how much you improve your offer she'll likely still want more.  My point?  Start with a somewhat reasonable but low-ball offer.  That way when you do make some concessions, it will still (maybe) be reasonable.

[Free One]

Be warned that any type of mediation situation rely on BOTH parties telling the truth, being prepared and having a willingness to reach resolution. This can become costly if you think your wife is not willing to do these things.

What if you wrote up two different proposals that you would be happy with and asked her to choose one with the agreement you will both go to the same attorney together at that time to finalize the paperwork? If she won't choose one, then file and proceed with the normal process, knowing it very well could still take you two years.

I have a friend who filed (dividing everything 50/50), the ex countered, then the one who filed agreed to some terms and said through the lawyers, "Final offer. Take it and we are done or leave it and the judge will decide." Then he was patient and each time she came back, it was "I gave you my final offer." She relented, knowing a judge wouldn't give her more than 50/50 and they were done.

I support what ForeverDad said with tips about how to divide things. I think going in with a fair proposal shows good faith on your part.