Divorce Final

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been absent from this forum for a while. I WAS married to a BPD (plus pills/alcoholic) for 5 years. 2 of those years were spent in divorce. A divorce which mediators finally stepped in and put a stop to. They basically told her she was crazy. She settled for about 1/5 of what I offered year over a year ago. How typical is that of a BPD. She was not happy about it. Lots of door slamming. She has about 1 week left to appeal, but the ink is dry on the divorce. According to both lawyers, the appeal wouldn't even get heard... . so I am almost done.

Still in the same house though. Even though she has rented an apartment a couple blocks away, she doesn't HAVE to leave till 3/31. Get that? She is paying rent but living in my house still just out of spite. Delightful.

For all of you in the middle of one of these nasty fights, take heart. It really is THAT good when you are done. done. done. We didn't have kids, so there are no strings keeping us tied. She tried, using the dogs and wanting "joint" custody of the dogs. The mediators told her to stick it, that the idea was crazy, and squashed it. Have faith, it can really does feel amazing to know it is over. Conversations with other single people are exciting, new, fun, not strained. It is like shaving 5 years off your life. Take heart, be tough. It is worth it.

[Musiccitymess]

I have been absent from this forum for a while. I WAS married to a BPD (plus pills/alcoholic) for 5 years. 2 of those years were spent in divorce. A divorce which mediators finally stepped in and put a stop to. They basically told her she was crazy. She settled for about 1/5 of what I offered year over a year ago. How typical is that of a BPD. She was not happy about it. Lots of door slamming. She has about 1 week left to appeal, but the ink is dry on the divorce. According to both lawyers, the appeal wouldn't even get heard... . so I am almost done.

Still in the same house though. Even though she has rented an apartment a couple blocks away, she doesn't HAVE to leave till 3/31. Get that? She is paying rent but living in my house still just out of spite. Delightful.

For all of you in the middle of one of these nasty fights, take heart. It really is THAT good when you are done. done. done. We didn't have kids, so there are no strings keeping us tied. She tried, using the dogs and wanting "joint" custody of the dogs. The mediators told her to stick it, that the idea was crazy, and squashed it. Have faith, it can really does feel amazing to know it is over. Conversations with other single people are exciting, new, fun, not strained. It is like shaving 5 years off your life. Take heart, be tough. It is worth it.

[Landslide2014]

Wow.  That is hopeful. I feel your energy.  I was wondering how mediation worked out and if you had any pointers when compared with 2 attorneys?  I am about to embark.

[ogopogodude]

Good for you, ... . !


Hmmm, ... joint custody of the dogs?

Here is a word of advice:  Give her the dogs.

Hahahahaha.

(or better yet, ... . act like you really do not want the dogs... . then  you will get the dogs).

Remember, ... BPD's always want the opposite of what you want.

[Waddams]

Congratz!  and yeah the thing with the dogs is just indicative of their desperation.  and with time, you'll see her as a individual that is pitiable, as opposed to anything else.  with emotional distance from it all comes a better perspective, and we start to see our ex-'s for who they are, which is damaged people that are really hurting deep down.  worthy of some compassion and sympathy, but also to be avoided in close relationships.

[Musiccitymess]

Landslide, sorry for the late reply. There were lawyers and mediators. She was on her 3rd attorney by the time. Where we live, a mediator must step in before a court date can be established, so it wasn't by choice but it did work out. The process is painfully long (and very lucrative for the lawyers), but eventually the mediators (as agents of the court) got involved and worked a deal.

ogopogodude, i tried to give her the dogs. As we all know, it was about the fight, not the dogs. What a psycho.

My empathy meter for BPD is about -1000. In truth, being disgusted with her behavior was the best of the attitudes I took, and I tried them all. Tried sympathy, pity, anger. In the end, disgust that a 40 year old acted like a 16 year old girl is what got me over the hump and kicked her out. Costly though (in terms of legal fees).

Best of luck to you in dealing with it. She has to move out in 19 more days or I get to collect her stuff and bonfire it. I'm conflicted there, because why it would be sweet to burn it all, I would have to get a city permit that costs a lot. Dilemma. 

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for the feedback. Sounds like your finally able to see the light (even if it is firelight, a light nonetheless). I get the feeling of disgust... . To me a negative feeling (disgust, anger) Often gives me more fuel then guilt and fear.