I Know I Want To Leave But Feel Stuck In Many Ways

[ATLandon]

It feels weird to finally put this out there in such definite terms but it is what it is: I want out of my marriage.

I've known this in my gut (way before marriage) but could never really handle the immensity of my own emotions. What has made it most conflicting for me over the years is that I do genuinely love my uBPD wife and have tried my best to give her the best life possible to make up for her terrible childhood. Alas, I have given all a person can give of themselves before there is only a trace left of their original personhood.

Until recently I had felt very tired, very bitter, and very lonely. I think I have come to a point of radical acceptance in our relationship: I accept that this relationship will never be what I need in a relationship, I accept that I have given and done all I could to save it, and I accept that she is who she is. In fact, I feel unusually calm about this decision. For once in our relationship, I can honestly say that I have done everything I possibly could to make it work and gave a full effort. We're just not a good fit. It hurts and I honestly don't like to say it or think about it, but I can handle it.

Through my experiences as a transgender person and a recovering alcoholic, I have learned that it is through very difficult experiences and hard life lessons that some of the best changes come from the willingness to give up everything in order to gain what I truly need. A person sometimes has to lose everything to see that they gained a new and better world. I'm seeing that this relationship is very similar to addictive drug/alcohol abuse. No matter how much I try to moderate my behavior I always get the same bad results. It truly is insanity. I have to find a way to healthily let this relationship go.

I can't break things off for at least six months because a good friend of mine is moving in with my uBPDw and I as a roommate. I'm not worried about the situation since my wife loves him dearly (one of her few friends) and he is very laid back, submissive in nature. I will talk with him privately about my suspicions of my wife having BPD so that he can avoid invalidating her and help to relate to her when she's acting irrationally.

So, I need to keep the peace in our house and save up some money in my own private banking account until my friend is ready to move out. I'm also considering taking a job that will have me traveling and being away from my wife for days at a time. That should give me time to get my own mental stability in order and prepare for the craziness that will surely ensue when informing my wife that I have filed for divorce.

Until then I will continue going to therapy on my own, exercise, attend AA meetings, reach out to friends, and start attempting to reconnect with my family. I will have to keep my connections with friends and family a secret from my wife since those are major rage triggers for her; she doesn't want me to have emotionally intimate relationships with anyone but her. In spite of her issues, I have to keep doing things that bring me peace and keep me connected to those I love. Letting my uBPDwife manipulate me away from personal relationships and hobbies led to extreme isolation and unhappiness in my life. I have to start carving out my own life again, little by little.

This makes me more sad words can describe but I know this is what I need in the next chapter of my life. I will continue to post on here. There won't be any major changes today, tomorrow, or even next month. This is simply a declaration of my impending freedom. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally in sight.

[maxsterling]

I think I know where you are coming from.  My gut says I am in the same place, and I am inches close to posting pretty much the same thing.  I love her deeply, I care about her deeply, but something tells me that BPD aside, we are just too incompatible for me to feel comfortable.  The desire to be with her romantically long-term is fading.  And it breaks my heart. 

It's just not the right time to make decisions.  Right now I just need to find short-term peace, and regain myself.  I need to let what happens, happen.  I, too, have come to a place of radical acceptance.  I accept she has BPD.  I accept that she will always have certain behaviors.  I accept that she probably will never be good at taking care of herself, may never have a job, will always have her angry moments, and will always make mostly negative statements.

A lot of that doesn't bother me as much as it used to, now that I understand what is going on, and have learned a few tools in dealing with it.  But I am tired.  This is NONSTOP.  It feels like I am signing up to be the parent of a person who is the exact same age as me.  The relationship may last if she can get to a point where she's comfortable being alone, finds her own friends, and finds her own hobbies and interests, and is less reliant on me.  But I am running out of hope for that.  She is working on herself, but there is a step back with every step forward. 

the timing is just bad right now.  She is working on herself.  She is accumulating resources.  But she has zero support from anyone else, no supportive family (all painted black right now), no supportive friends (again, painted black), completely incapable of taking care of herself, claims to need me for everything.  The issue - she wants to get married and have kids.  I certainly can't have kids with her unless I see MAJOR changes in her attitude about herself and about life.  Marriage?  I am just having a hard time pulling the trigger on that.  My gut keeps saying "no".  I'm starting to understand why - even the little things lately are causing me to remember the big, bad things of last summer.  I can't let go, meaning I can't move forward.