Ashamed...

[Parents! Get help here!]

Ditto.  I spent years knowing there was something "wrong" with my dBPDs.  Everyone else attributed his behavior to alcohol... . which was a huge part of it, but the real culprit was BPD. He used alcohol to self-medicate.  I was astounded that he simply was not able to learn from past mistakes.  Instead he repeated them over and over until he ended up with a felony DUI for refusal to test.  In our state that is a mandatory prison sentence.  It was there that he was finally diagnosed as BPD.

Once we learn the cause for the behavior and understand the underlying illness, everything changes.   We are not crazy... . there actually is mental illness and we learn how to deal with it.  He is 7 1/2 years sober, but his BPD has become much worse.  It takes a lot of love, compassion, boundaries, and respect to move forward.  "Normal" will never be in my vocabulary... . neither will "ashamed".

Bpd is what it is.  Our loved ones have not chosen to be disordered.  The disorder has chosen them.

I have stopped comparing him to anyone else, because he is NOT like anyone else.  He has many marvelous qualities and a serious mental illness.  God loves him, and so do I.He has many marvelous qualities and a serious mental illness.

[MammaMia]

Ditto.  I spent years knowing there was something "wrong" with my dBPDs.  Everyone else attributed his behavior to alcohol... . which was a huge part of it, but the real culprit was BPD. He used alcohol to self-medicate.  I was astounded that he simply was not able to learn from past mistakes.  Instead he repeated them over and over until he ended up with a felony DUI for refusal to test.  In our state that is a mandatory prison sentence.  It was there that he was finally diagnosed as BPD.

Once we learn the cause for the behavior and understand the underlying illness, everything changes.   We are not crazy... . there actually is mental illness and we learn how to deal with it.  He is 7 1/2 years sober, but his BPD has become much worse.  It takes a lot of love, compassion, boundaries, and respect to move forward.  "Normal" will never be in my vocabulary... . neither will "ashamed".

Bpd is what it is.  Our loved ones have not chosen to be disordered.  The disorder has chosen them.

I have stopped comparing him to anyone else, because he is NOT like anyone else.  He has many marvelous qualities and a serious mental illness.  God loves him, and so do I.He has many marvelous qualities and a serious mental illness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

One of my greatest regrets is that I have unwittingly contributed to my UBPDS 29 dysfunctional behaviour. I have only recently become aware of BPD and like others, everything I read on this board I have been through with my DS.  It has been very hard on all of us. 

I am concerned about the comment made by jellibeans above:

"As long as my Dd is happy I am happy."  This has been my mantra for as long as I can remember.

Now I am not sure it was correct, although it is a natural response to the lives we live with them.

In my desire to support him and ease his (terrible) pain he has not learnt self coping skills.  At 29 he still looks to me to assist him with his life and solve his problems, particularly financial ones. The boundaries became blurred years ago and trying to detach gently now is proving impossible. He sees my gradually allowing him to take responsibility for himself as rejection which triggers him.

It is so hard to find the right balance of support and other people are so judgemental.

[MammaMia]

Hi Dibdob

Oh yes, we have all been there.  Out of control kids.  No clue what we were dealing with.  Never heard of BPD.  Normal teenage rebellion?  ... .  Total frustration!  

One of the hardest parts is getting pwBPD to agree to get help. They are fine, we are all crazy.  Once diagnosed, they need to allow others to treat them and educate them and their families.  This is best done early on, but most psychiatrists are very reluctant to diagnose a child with BPD until they reach age 18. Unfortunately, at 18 they are considered adults under the law and cannot be forced by parental intervention to get treatment or therapy.  If they choose not to do so, we are pretty much helpless... . unless they do something criminal and are forced by the Legal System to be diagnosed and treated.  How sad is that?

Thankfully, in the past few years, BPD has come to the forefront as a serious mental disorder and has begun to get the recognition by mental health professionals that it deserves. It is amazing how prevalent this illness is and how devastating it is to families.  It is not a secret any longer.

Do not blame yourself for not knowing what BPD was... . none of us knew.  The exact nature of our

children's problems was a mystery.  Normal parenting skills did not work.  We did the best we could while lacking the proper information to make an informed decision about what was really going on, and the medical profession did little to help.  

Now we know what BPD is and have the tools to help deal with it.  Plus, we have this site to keep us informed and share our knowledge and frustrations with others just like us.  There is much comfort and support in that.

Thank you for joining us.  You are among friends here.

[sadandscared]

       jellibeans asked about calling the police. I don't know if I can. Our daughter still isn't home. She left school at 2:00 on Wed. I know she's with her on and off boyfriend. Probably in a city about an hour away. She sent a text to her dad last night saying that she's ok and we shouldn't worry about her. She is under a $500.00 bond right now & if I call the police I'm sure we will have to pay that. Plus the guy is 18 and she is 17, I think they could charge him with something for taking a minor and having sex with a minor. As much as I don't want her to be with him I don't want him charged with that. It was her decision to leave with him. This summer when she got pregnant he was charged with impregnating a minor. Even though she is only 8 months younger than him. We didn't have him charged. The police were informed because she was under a intensive supervision program. 

        The pot pipe is nothing new. I just throw them away when I find them. She hides little baggies of pot in her bra because she knows that her dad & I aren't going to dig in her bra. She claims that smoking pot helps her. It might make her feel better for a very short time but it is a depressant. All this has been explained to her many times by doctors. I am also starting to think that she could be using other harder drugs. I don't think she even wants to be with this boyfriend but like I said he's a drug dealer and when she's with him it's easy to get what she wants.

             

         Another scary part of the story is that when she was 8 years old she lost the sight in her left eye, which lead to a lawsuit. She will be 18 next month and will start getting the settlement money. It's a lot and I'm sure it will be spent on drugs. I just got the paperwork out on it today. I think I will call and see about having it held or maybe we can monitor how it is spent. My husband doesn't want her to have it yet either. But he also said that if we get a lawyer to have it held that with her being 18 she can also get a lawyer and turn it around anyway.

     

[theplotthickens]

My daughter is 17, and I consider her very vulnerable because of her mental illness and immaturity.   She is at risk for being lured into prostitution, etc, by "friends."  I would use any means at my disposal to get my daughter back: especially law enforcement.

Have you reported her as a runaway?  I have known two people whose daughters were traficked in the way you are describing.  Your daughter's welfare comes way ahead of possible charges that the boyfriend may incur.  He is not  your responsibility. 

Call the police!