Ashamed...

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

I feel so ashamed to be posting this. I'm so tired of dealing with my daughter. I love her so much. She has such a great heart. But I'm exhausted. Every day. Without fail. She is going to treat her older brother, younger brother, and myself horribly. And it's never her fault. It is always our fault BC we are annoying her. Just the word annoying triggers negative emotions for me. "Oh my GOD! You are so annoying!" I hear her say that to the three of us probably 25 times a day. We are breathing to loud. Her toddler brother is asking too many questions. Her older brother is "so immature". It doesn't matter what it is. It's exhausting. And I'm tired of it. I just want to be happy with my daughter. I see mother's and daughters out in public, laughing, and talking, having a great time. Even if I try to do something nice with her, it usually backfires. I parked in the wrong spot, and she doesn't want to walk that far. Or whatever it is that triggers her. I feel childish saying I just don't want to anymore, but that's exactly how I feel. I just want a sign. A sign showing we are headed in a positive direction. But all the signs seem to point to her hating me. And my heart is broken... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

I do not believe anyone who hasn't lived with this can fully understand how devestating it is for family members. I totally get it! I have been there, and probably everyone here has as well.You do not need to feel ashamed- it is exhausting, humiliating, scary, and a bunch more things. It took me to places I never wanted to go inside myself, and I was not the person I wanted to be.

This site is amazing, and I wish I had had it when my daughter was younger. Many of the resources will give you hope that changes you can make for yourself will make the situation better. And all of us understand how difficult it is.

You are in the right place.

[jellibeans]

dear feelingoverwhelmed

I don't know if ashamed is really the word I would use... . exhausting yes but I think as time goes on I feel I expect less from my dd and if things go really well then great... . my dd will complain we are chewing our food to loud at the table therefore she rarely eats with us... . it is okay... . I enjoy the peace at the table. Mealtime has never been a pleasant time... . Do you think you just need to let go of your expectations? Or maybe set some boundaries? Maybe some incentives if she can refrain from making negative comments?

When I first found out about my dd16 disorder I really grieved for her... . and I let go of those dreams I had for her and realized she will have the life she chooses... . I had to let go of that notion... . the notion I some how had control over her future... . it is okay... . her life is going to be different and very interesting and I will stand by her and support her the best I can.

I don't have any illusions that we will be meeting for lunch and getting a pedicure and then spend the day talking, laughing etc... . I set my expectations pretty low and then I am not disappointed when refuses our dinner invite out or my invite for a pedicure. But then there are those day she surprises me and we go for ice cream... . it is sometimes the little things that make it all worth it. Your dd will not always be the way she is... . time will pass and she will mature and then you might see a different side of her... . we are all living the same way... . it is our perspective that we can change... . we can't not change them... . that is when I feel the most at peace.

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

Thanks co.jo

I'm glad I found this site. I haven't gotten used to having this outlet yet. I keep forgetting how great it is to go on here. I'm still trying to learn how to maneuver through it.

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

Thank you jellibeans

Thank you so much. This is information just recently given to me. I haven't completely processed it all yet. Maybe I do need to change my expectations. Take time to grieve for the daughter I thought I had, and learn to appreciate the daughter I do have. I do love her so much. She does have so much love to give.

I haven't learned how yet. How to balance her negativity with the rest of the family. The other two kids don't really understand it. I'm reading about it. Trying to find out how to properly set boundaries. Trying to make sure the rest of the family are happy. It brings everyone down. Trying to learn how to communicate with her.

I will never give up, even though it is exhausting. I can't wait to find some of the peace you have found jellibeans. Thank you for giving me hope on a day when I couldn't find it for myself.

[wideawakemum]

Hi,

Your situation at home sounds a lot like mine with my 14 year old daughter. I have only one child so i don't have sibilings issues, but her beaviours are very similar and i am treated to daily angry outbursts, recriminations, blame and statements of how she just wants to die. I am very new to this site and to the subject too, i am close to clueless to help I'm afraid, but i do feel just in the last few days i have grown a little in my ability to cope when her BPD is triggered. Just understanding a little of what is going on helps me, i don't feel quite so panicked as i used to (what on earth is wrong?) - now i know what is happening and so i am calmer and just deal with the hear and now.

I am also just trying to adjust to what her future may hold and yes I too am having to accept that this is not just a 'stage' and all my dreams of us 'hanging out' or her having her own friends and social life one day may never happen - and it makes me very sad to realise this, but it doesn't mean her own version of her future may not be even better with support; She has just started learning the guitar (as am i) which i am thrilled about as it is giving us both a sense of something positive that may exist in her future - a 'healthy' coping tequnique plus a way of maybe making friends too without having to be a 'socialite' ... .

Although, to put this 'happy joint guitar learning' image into perspective - last night I was practicing my own guitar playing and she walked into MY room, started loudly playing a computer game whilst angrily swearing at the screen, then turned to me and shouted "you are getting on my nerves, just shut up and stop playing your guitar!"

I wish you all the best 'feelingoverwhelmed' with yours and your family's futures, I know that what you said about your daughter having a 'great heart' is true as i feel and say just the same too - my girl is my life and a most beautiful person - BPD isn't 'her' and i know that underneath all her pain (and mine) my beautiful girl is still there and I love her with all my heart (as i know she loves me too)

x

[pullingmyhairout]

I so understand this, right down to the use of the same word... . annoying. I was attempting to do things with my daugther. Pedicure, lunch, whatever, for a while, but it always turned into her treating me like garbage. I don't even want to do it anymore. I feel like I am counting down the days until she leaves. She accused me of not wanting her to go to college, so she could work full time and pay me rent. Seriously? I can't wait until she moves out. No rent in the world would be worth being treated this badly. If I made her pay rent, it would be because she has never had to work for anything and has an enormous sense of entitlement.  What I told her is that if she doesn't know what she wants to do for a living (and we aren't wealthy) and she doesn't want to be strapped down with $100,000 of student loans, is that she should take some classes and work until she figures it out. Honestly, her grades at this point aren't going to get her into a decent school anyway.  I am sitting here at my laptop, in tears, because of my latest run in with her.

I am sick and tired of being her punching bag. I wish I could run away.

[yogablue]

Oh yeah, I can relate to all of this.  In her teens my dd22 was what I can best describe as a raging animal.  Anything would set her off, and once I divorced her father I took the full brunt of her anger, nasty comments, ordering me around, entitlement, you name it.

To give you some hope, at 22 my dd has calmed down a LOT (she was diagnosed as high-functioning BPD at 20yrs, I'm not sure if that makes a difference?)

The feelings our child wBPD creates in us is overwhelming sometimes, the havoc they wreak.  I sought help everywhere - I live in Australia - and I think in some ways if your child is in their teens and you've got this diagnosis, you are way better off as you can learn a great deal about it, how to deal with the child/adolescent, how not to enable them etc.  I was literally flailing around in the dark and made a lot of mistakes.

I thought my dd was lazy, manipulative, entitled, highly strung (nasty and vindictive, yes very much so) and I couldn't understand what or why.  She was much-loved always, and still is, but tore our family apart.  Her two older brothers suffered immensely as she 'divided and conquered' the whole family, but luckily for them they had each other and are still close.

But to give you hope, my dd is currently actively seeking treatment since the recent breakup with her bf, as she is aware that something is horribly wrong and wants the pain to end.  She's not in great shape at the moment, but I live in hope (that's just me) that she will be able to go through therapy, stick it out, and somehow come out the other side as a more balanced human being.

You guys are really at the coal face, adolescence seems to be the worst, the absolute pits, and my heart goes out to all of you.  Look after yourselves as best you can, nurture your relationships with your other children and your family, give yourself some time out.  Easier said than done, I know.

[sadandscared]

I am told constantly that my voice is annoying. She is the only person I have ever heard this from. I don't think at 41 years old I can change my voice to suit her but I guess I'll work on it.   

[pullingmyhairout]

No, don't try to change your voice. It is her with the problem, not you. I am no expert, dealing with my own angry/hostile teens, but one thing I have finally figured out (for the most part), is that this is HER problem and you can't fix it. You go about your business doing what you have to do and if she doesn't like something it's HER problem. I used to engage in every little thing with mine. "What did I do wrong?" "You hurt my feelings" etc. Now I either walk away when they start in, or tell them, "If you don't like it, that just too bad". It's kind of empowering sometime. Hang in there!

[twojaybirds]

I realize that smaller chunks of time together is better and for me less is more. 

I listen to her more and talk less

I affirm her emotions more and ask questions less

I delete her calls more and respond to texts less

I make my schedule for me and consider her demands less

It has been a  trying process to get here and is far from perfect.

I try to stay in control of situations and find that helps me push through.

As for dreams for her.  When I was her age my parents thought I was 'doomed' because I didn't follow their path.  Alas I am highly educated, have great friends and an awesome job.  In other words, I still hold onto hope for my dd20 that she will carve her path in her time and there will be pieces of 'ok', 'happiness', and friends.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

After reading some of these posts I remember some of the things from adolescence I had forgotten- the meals where someone was chewing too loud, the car trips where we had to be perfectly silent with the windows closed, or we would be faced with an unsafe meltdown,etc etc. And I don't recall seeing anything anywhere about how to deal with these situations. I believe they were things that were intolerable for my daughter, but seemed so small to us.And the reast of us had to live-- what is the answer for these kinds of things? Like the annoying voice?

[jellibeans]

I am not sure there is anything you can do for an annoying voice... . my dd doesn't like to hear people chew there food so she rarely eats with us... . we stopped making her and we have a much better meal without her... . she now with join us when she feels like it so I think giving them choices really help with these kind of problems.

My dd also likes to change the setting in my car for air... . this is something we still fight over but I really feel this is more of a control issue than anything else... . I will just change the setting back to where I want them without saying anything.

[Pizzas123]

All of these comments ring true with me, also.  I, too, wanted a daughter I could spend a fun day with, shopping, pedicure, etc.  I would look at my friends and wish for the normal mother/daughter relationships they had.  Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that this will never be.  Anytime I do plan something like that, my daughter seems intent on ruining it. 

She insisted we go to the movies the other day.  I agreed, as she wanted to and I thought it was something we could do together, though I didn't particularly feel up to going. Because of her we walked in late, which irratated me to no end, since it was HER request to go, although I tried hard not to show my irratation.  As we sat there, she leaned as far away from me as she could in her seat, for seemingly no reason.  I think that pretty much sums up our relationship, sadly. 

Being annoying?  I am accused of it constantly, even when doing something very nice for daughter.  But I take comfort in the advice here, not to set expectations too high, and be happy for little things.  We did both like the movie that day very much, although she was hesitant to admit it.  I am sad for whatever goes on in her head that won't allow her to freely enjoy life and be happy, as most people do.  Every day brings new drama.  I just try to deal with it as best I can.  Nice to find understanding and support here.

[MammaMia]

I agree with all of you.  My dBPDs does EXACTLY the same things, word for word.  My voice drives him nuts, I am annoying, I cannot hear, I, basically, do everything ass backwards, he always changes radio stations and air or heat in the car, redirects the vents too.  Changes channels on the tv when I am watching something ... . etc, etc.  It is definitely a control issue.

It never ceases to amaze me how the vocabulary of pwBPD is identical.  I find this fascinating.

[js friend]

Feelingoverwhelmed,



I remember trying to constanly come up with new ideas to try to make peace with my dd when she was around the same age. Its soo exhausting and we get it.you shouldnt  feel ashamed  posting how you feel. My dd has improved a lot since those years when she was selfish and totally self  absorbed. I think my dd now  having a child of her own has helped to speed up this process alitlle bit. Hnag on it there FeelingO, this time will pass eventually. I always say that my dd was at her worse between 14-17yo with 15 being the absolute worse, and at 17 things began to to level out  to where she is now where she doesnt seem so angry all the time.

I just have to add WOW!  Reading all these similarities we have Its amazing what we been accused of, and the similarites of what we have all tried has been amazing.I have done many of the same. Manicures, pedicures, photoshoots, mother and daughter days... . but nothing worked. She wasnt even interested most of the time. And the things I used to get accused of!... . I ate toast or chewed my food too loudly... . covering her one ear if we were sat at a table making it clear it was annoying her... . even now iam wary of eating certain things in public now eg apples for instance or anything crunchy. Another one was  I swollow too loudly... . and... . Another  I apparently  breathe too hard!... . yet iam not an overweight person by any means or have breathing difficulties... . and no-one else has ever mentioned these things before... . but she would often comment on it. I havent heard her comment on any of these things for years now but at the time... . I was literally dispised for them.

Who knows maybe she does have senstive hearing. Maybe. Idk. I might sit her down one day and get her to take an online frequency hearing test just to see.

I would say keep your boundries in place and find your own joy, because your dd will be out there doing her own thing and not toeing the line for a while no matter what.

[MammaMia]

 j'sfriend    

Oddly enough, some people with mental illness do suffer from hyperacusis.  That is extreme sensitivity to noise, especially certain frequencies.  

My own dBPDs often tells me to stop yelling when I am speaking in a normal tone of voice.  He is also very sensitive to light.

Anyone else out there have this problem with their pwBPD?

[js friend]

Mamamia That is interesting to know. Why is that? and can it be a pre cursor to what will come later.

Iam worried for my gd and always on the look out for signs of BPD... . because in hindesight my dd showed so many signs that something was wrong when she was really small.

You mention your sons sensitivity to light. My dd used to hate the flashes on the old cameras. I must admit sometimes i would get small dots in my eyes afterwards that would disappear and was bearable but dd would say  the light from the flash actually made her eyes hurt. I remember it like it was yesterday. She was about 8yo when she really began to avoid the flash and I have a photo from this time when she puposely looked down at the ground as i took the picture.

Oh yes, and ... . the sound of a clock ticking was another one 

[yogablue]

I agree with others on this thread that it does get better, and that the teenage years (13 to 19 for me) were the worst.  My dd is now 22 and she is a lot calmer, and able to hold it together in public.

The comment on sensitive hearing is interesting.  I was talking to my dd about this the other day, as a young child (3 to 9yrs) she was literally petrified of loud noises like fireworks etc.  She told me that she is still sensitive to loud noises today, although now copes much better of course.

Please take heart, those of you in the thick of it right now, for many pwBPD they do learn to cope better in time, from my experience at least that's been the case.  I think also when they move out of home, which my dd did at age 19, they are less of a daily worry to us.

I now speak to my dd regularly (though she often only responds to my texts etc a day or so later but still... . ) and we meet up once a week for coffee or a meal.  She now actually talks to me and discusses things with me calmly, which was unheard of during the turbulent days of adolescence, I honestly often felt like she thought I was her worst enemy, even though I have always loved her and taken care of her.  Much of this is to do with my husband (not her father) being very intuitive, whilst caring, and setting very clear boundaries for her, which she adheres to generally speaking.

My view is that they grow up and move on from living at home, they focus more on their romantic relationships, relationships with friends etc. which makes us as parents less 'in the firing line' as it were. 

[theplotthickens]

Dearest FeelingOverwhelmed,

You are not alone - I can TOTALLY relate to you!  It is embarrassing to go anywhere, as my 16 yo will berate me in front of others.  It is so hurtful when it feels like our love is reciprocated with hatred. 

It is not personal; they hate themselves, and take it out on us.  It is their illness talking.

I am tired and exhausted from being targeted, too.  I have had to find balance in my life, and stop trying to hard to "win" my daughter's love.  She is not in a place to be able to give to anyone emotionally; not even herself.

Sad.

I have no advice; but I share your heartbreak.  You are not alone!   

[theplotthickens]

I was attempting to do things with my daugther. Pedicure, lunch, whatever, for a while, but it always turned into her treating me like garbage. I don't even want to do it anymore. I feel like I am counting down the days until she leaves.

I can SO relate to this.  And I feel guilty about it all the time.  It is a natural response to all the negativity.  We shut down.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

j'sfriend

Yes, I forgot about the clocks.  My son has removed every clock in the house or disabled them.  

The only clocks he has are on his computer and cell phone, and they make NO noise.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello everyone,

I also can relate about all the 'annoying' things we supposedly do... .  

My sd is very sensitive to smells. But she would also berate her son for chewing with is mouth open - while she was doing the very same   (it got ME annoyed and upset on behalf of my poor gs's - he learned very quickly, but how was he supposed to know to start with?). The next time, there would be a new offense of some kind... .

She started out as fairly polite to my dh and to me, but with time got progressively more rude. We had to push back with boundaries, since she is an adult... .

While our children's sensitivities are often there, and they generally have a low frustration tolerance, they need two things:

1) They need to learn how to cope (I like jellibeans' suggestion of giving them options)

2) They also need to learn that there is a polite way of treating others versus making rude comments.

While the kids are teenagers, their brains are still developing, and going through adolescence they experiment with new behaviors to assert themselves and to interact in more adult ways. This is a window of opportunity even with kids who suffer from BPD to model and teach healthy behaviors through positive reinforcement.

We would be doing them a disservice if we let them think it is ok to treat others abusively... .

[sadandscared]

I'm so happy when I hear parents of older children say that things will get better. Right now I can't even imagine what my daughter (that is 17) life will be like 5 years from now.

       This week has been awful. Last Fri. we let her use the car, she didn't get home till nearly 3am. The next morning I found a pot pipe in it. She didn't go to school on Mon. yet was so mad at me when I told her that she couldn't get her hair done. I found out she stole something from where I work.   Tues. she only went to school for 1 hour and left with some boys and we didn't see her till Wed. morning.    On Wed. I took her to school and I don't know how long she stayed but she sent me a text saying that she was leaving with an on and off boyfriend. She didn't come home last night. I don't think she will come home for a few days.

       Neither she or the pot selling boyfriend are responding to our calls or texts. He lives an hour away and I guess I'll go try to track them down as usual. She usually wants to leave him after a few days and then says she needs her phone number changed because she doesn't want anything to do with him. She never has her meds when she takes off like this either. 

   

       She breaks my heart. I think my husband (her father) is giving up on her. I just can't   

[sadandscared]

She is always telling me and others that I yell at her. I'm by no means perfect but I know that I am not a yeller. When she doesn't like what I am saying then it is considered "yelling" to her.

[jellibeans]

yes When my dd hear something she doesn't like I am yelling too and being rude!

Sadandscared- have you thought of calling the police? Ceratinly the pot pipe was illegal and her not coming home is something I would report.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I want to jump right into this computer and give you a great big   and tell you I have had those same emotions, often, and I understand!  Our DD14 provokes the same type of emotions in us (her 2 brothers, her dad and me).  Her brothers are much older, 9 and 12 when we adopted her, and for years our family seemed so "normal".  Since she turned about 11 DH and I have said we often feel like just because of her we have become a dysfunctional family.  We all love her so much but it is so incredibly hard.  I have gotten a prescription for the lowest dose of Effexor and it seems to help to at least take the edge off for me.  I am trying to get DH to do the same.  I am also researching a therapist for us just so we can have someone to whom we can vent and who will be objective.  Sometimes it gets to the point where we have to break down and do what we have to do to take care of ourselves! 

[RaindropsOnRoses]

I agree , being new to the board it is nice to know they share the same vocabulary. I too cringe by the work annoying, its something i hear dozens of times a day from her. I am worried about the effects my other child, she is only 6 and i fear at this point she believes she is truly annoying bc she hears it so frequently.

LIghts are also an issue for my daughter, I had my bother in law install a dimer in her bedroom so she can turn the light down to a more calm level as she wants but not be in the dark all the time. For a long time she insisted on being in her dark room with only the TV on for light. She even has dark curtains bc the sun bothered her in the morning.

I also am struggling to accept the reality of where we are, and were we are headed.  I have so many hopes and dreams for her, its is just crushing to realise she will have a hard life and not be a successful student. She has so much potential i just cant give up yet the hope that she will learn how to function in a normal society.

Im so sick of hearing my co worker talk about her wonderful daughter and their nights out shopping and all her student council work and basketball scholarship pending, honor roll everything. It just makes me sad, bc the only good thing I can report is that she didn't get in school suspension this week... .

[jellibeans]

Dear RaindropsOnRoses

Yes I think that was the hardest part for me at the beginning... . hearing about all my friends daughters and their accomplishments... . I kind of dread her senior year next year when everyone else kid will be going away to college... . I am not sure my dd will even make it to community college... . I really came to a point where I had to let go of my dreams for my daughter and let her have her own dreams... . it is her life and she is going to do what she wants and hopefully be happy... . try not to judge and try not to be disappointed. Not everyone is made out to be a student... . there are other paths to take in life... . your dd is unique... . celebrate that... try to get a new prespective... . look for the good.

As long as my dd is happy I am happy.

[Gidget]

I to can relate to all of the post. I think I have just accepted that I won't have what I wanted with my daughter but I am starting to accept what I have now. Things are starting to get better. I was in a very dark place for quite a while. I have let go of the expectations and am now taking care of me something I haven't done in a very long time. When I did I saw things start to turn around. I am hoping thru all of this that I will have a much more healthier relationship with her since I am starting to learn how to deal with all of this stuff. Sad for all of us going thru this. I am much better and this board has helped me so much to regain my self esteem and to realize I am a good loving mother and I tell myself that everyday.