I was doing soo well :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

urgh,

I'm nearly there one day and in bits the next.

Saw my BPDexgf on Sunday for about 3 seconds... . just a chance meeting in church where I left the service and she literally walked up to me in the foyer.  I don't think she wanted to meet me or talk, I honestly believe she didn't recognise me after abt 4mths NC and 5mth split. 

Today I went into London for work and my client cancelled at the last minute... . so I found myself in Green Park with nowhere to go other than back to Waterloo station and home.  The sun was out and it was beautiful, so I decided to walk towards Hyde Park and down Oxford Street... . re:  'her territory'... .   the further I got down that street, the nearer I felt I was to her -she lives about 300m from it.  I made it to Oxford Circus underground and just had a complete panic attack.  Tears, shaking, just sat in a doorway and people walked past me wondering what on earth was going on?  Thankfully someone stopped and talked to me for 15 mins but I just felt so sad and so alone. 

I actually missed her and emotionally it killed me. 

I'm home now but I'm so upset with myself for putting myself in that situation.  I knew the church 'hurt me' because I felt my heartbeat rise as I literally walked at full pace away from her.  But I soo wanted to be there and meet 2 friends, so I knew the risk.  Today, I knew Oxford Street was a bad idea.  She's there, I now know it. 

She HATES me, so why do I let her continue to ruin my life?  My feelings always turn to the horrid words, those nasty little comments she made and the fact that she just didn't care about my life at all.  I'm really worried -my work is drying up, my clients (remaining 2) are in that area, and I feel so stupid and worthless again... .  

[DiamondSW]

urgh,

I'm nearly there one day and in bits the next.

Saw my BPDexgf on Sunday for about 3 seconds... . just a chance meeting in church where I left the service and she literally walked up to me in the foyer.  I don't think she wanted to meet me or talk, I honestly believe she didn't recognise me after abt 4mths NC and 5mth split. 

Today I went into London for work and my client cancelled at the last minute... . so I found myself in Green Park with nowhere to go other than back to Waterloo station and home.  The sun was out and it was beautiful, so I decided to walk towards Hyde Park and down Oxford Street... . re:  'her territory'... .   the further I got down that street, the nearer I felt I was to her -she lives about 300m from it.  I made it to Oxford Circus underground and just had a complete panic attack.  Tears, shaking, just sat in a doorway and people walked past me wondering what on earth was going on?  Thankfully someone stopped and talked to me for 15 mins but I just felt so sad and so alone. 

I actually missed her and emotionally it killed me. 

I'm home now but I'm so upset with myself for putting myself in that situation.  I knew the church 'hurt me' because I felt my heartbeat rise as I literally walked at full pace away from her.  But I soo wanted to be there and meet 2 friends, so I knew the risk.  Today, I knew Oxford Street was a bad idea.  She's there, I now know it. 

She HATES me, so why do I let her continue to ruin my life?  My feelings always turn to the horrid words, those nasty little comments she made and the fact that she just didn't care about my life at all.  I'm really worried -my work is drying up, my clients (remaining 2) are in that area, and I feel so stupid and worthless again... .  

[DiamondSW]

I just hate this horrible illness.

She was my best friend,

Now she doesn't care if im alive or dead and it's wrecking my life.  I did nothing to her.  Just got "how can I love you if I dont love myself"... . then goodbye, 'peace and clarity' she called it.

It was your cousin who sexually abused you, not me!  And you could have been honest and told me about BPD diagnosis instead of watching me blame myself for mths and fall apart. 

Counting the minutes to seeing my lovely therapist on Thursday.  God I'm crying AGAIN.  It's so not fair.

[growing_wings]

She was my best friend,

Now she doesn't care if im alive or dead and it's wrecking my life.  I did nothing to her.  Just got "how can I love you if I dont love myself"... . then goodbye, 'peace and clarity' she called it.

Hi DiamondSW

So sorry to read your posts. You are going through a rough time... i have been there too. Some days are good, some are terrible.

Can i quote you on above "She was my best friend". boy i relate to this, my ex was what i considered my best friend too. But it was a very expensive best friend too...   a very possesive, dominating and manipulating best friend. The price i had to pay for her "friendship" was beyond what any real friend would ever ask for. So, was she my best friend? yes, during the honey moon stage and whenever she needed me, but ask yourself, was she your "best friend" when you really needed her?

Perhaps what she wrote is true: she does not love herself, how can she loves someone else?

is a terrible disorder. it really is.  but you got to be kind with youself. be patient. 

[TwoCents]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough go of it.  Been there and feel for you.

It was very hard for me to accept as well, going from being the most amazing person she'd ever known to someone she'd rather never see again in her natural born life.  But if she could turn to thinking I am worthless on a dime, maybe she didn't really hold me in that high of esteem in the first place.  Maybe she just convinced me that she felt that way because it worked for her (and me).  And it did.  The first time she broke up with me, she left notes all around my house for me to find in the ensuing days.  They were nice little emotional mines, telling me how much she had loved me and what a horrible person I was.  The next day she left a pile of everything that even connected us slightly (receipts, pictures, etc.) on my car to demonstrate she had excised me from her life.  That is some serious emotional abuse and after that I broke down must have been every day for a few months.  Such emotional anguish and the way she had treated me made it hard to function for a long time.  If someone I didn't care about had done such things, I would have scoffed.  But from the person I had so loved and felt was my best friend was excruciating.  Absolutely everything reminded me of her.  And being reminded of her made me start reflecting then sobbing just about any time of day or night, convenient or not.  Cut to a few months later when we ended up reconciling.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Apparently I felt the need to do that a half dozen or so times for kicks.  With time and lots of self reflection things got better gradually.  One day at a time.

[Waifed]

Sorry Diamond

BPD is such a horrible disease.  Everyone involved loses.  It is so hard for us to try to make sense of something that is so abnormal.  It is the ultimate mind___ for people with our personalities.  It is cruel for them and for us.  I have processed for almost 6 months and my thoughts about what happened to me over the 3 years that we dated still changes on a pretty regular basis.  I go from she never really cared about me to I hurt her badly in the end and back to she never really cared about.  If she didn't care it is pretty embarrassing that I put so much into it and was so blind.  I saw the indifference in her actions over the last month of the relationship and it was almost inhumane.    

I have been fortunate in the fact that I have not seen nor heard from her.  I can only imagine how I would feel if I saw her.  It must have been a really tough last few days for you.  This is just a bump in the road though.  You will get over it and one day down the road this will all be a distant memory.  Hang in there Diamond.  You are among friends.

[LettingGo14]

Diamond,

Thank you for posting.  You are not alone.   I am 4 months post-discard by BPDxgf, and 4 days into NC (last week I sent a note requesting contact, and got no reply).

We need to detach.  Today, I've been thinking how relieved I am that I found this community.   I am ready to give up hope for any future with my BPDxgf.  

You are going to be okay. One method I heard from my therapist was as follows:

Picture your ex, seated across a table from you.  Now, imagine that you are a movie camera, and pull back so you see both of you at the table.  Then, turn the volume down so you don't hear any voices.   Then, turn off the color, so you are in black and white.  Then pull camera back slowly so you end up in the far far distance.   Watch the movie as if you were tiny black and white specks in the distance.   Let go of the story.  Let the movie fade to white.   Let go of the voices, of the color, of the story.

Put yourself in the present moment.  :)on't think about the past or the future, nothing except your surroundings.  Write 5 sentences about things in the room around you.   Be present.  Be kind to yourself in the moment.  

We're here for you.

[DiamondSW]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I just found myself sitting in Green Park and then walking down Oxford St and crying;  all the thoughts of what happened to her, the fact she cut her chest on the one night I wasn't there, then told me 'I was in her space' and she didn't want me there... .   urgh.

Sorry guys, just really struggling, almost SH'd today when I got home and feel very desperate.  It's like she's OK now, everything is fine in her life (she was beautifully dressed and clearly had been on holiday) and yet she doesn't care that she heaped everything on me until I cracked -and she then decided to punish me (split me) because I couldn't cope and got sad.  Like I was punished for being weak -she even told me 'you have to be stronger' and 'if you carry on acting like this (crying) you're going to lose me'... .

Urgh.  It just didn't have to be like this, there was no hate between us, just this hellish illness. 

[Tausk]

OH Diamond.  I'm so sorry.  I can't say I know your pain, but I've felt mine, just like everyone on this board has felt their own.   The specifics are unique, but the patterns are so similar that it's scary.  And your actions and feelings that you have shared, I'd bet 99% of the people on the board can say that they done things that are much less productive with respect to their ex. 

But that is where we can have some hope.  Because we can validate each others emotions, experiences and recovery.

I know you are feeling like sh't, but just the fact that you can share on the board, and talk about your feelings, indicates that you are working at your recovery.

Keep hope alive.  You have the right.  There are many on this board who are very wise and who have walked the path.  You have to do your own trek, but the path has been blazed and you have companions with you. 

Our exes don't have anyone to really help them with their nightmare of an existence.  However, we do not have to be alone and that is a great blessing.   If you don't mind, I'll include you in my prayers for relief from your suffering and for you to find some happiness.  And if you want, you can share some of you pain with me over here in the colonies.  I'm in  a pretty good place these days, and I'm able to share your burden.  So go ahead... . literally envision sharing just a bit of your discomfort with me.   It can't hurt.

And remember HALT.  Don't get to hungry, angry, lonely or tired. 

It gets better if we work on ourselves.  I got better for me. I honestly believe it will get much better for you.

In support,