Hurt and feeling a little lost :-(

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a 14 year old daughter with emerging BPD. I adore her and in her good moments she is a wonderful loving daughter, but often she is angry, violent, self destructive, rude, abusive, disrespectful and selfish.

Today my sister in law told me 'what she thinks' about our life and it's hit me pretty hard. She is protective of her brother / my husband who is a wheelchair user and she is afraid that my girl's behaviour could lead to her attacking him. She also says that my daughter talks to us both with so little respect it's shameful and says that I do nothing to stop it nor chastise her.

My sister in law is diagnosed bipolar after originally being diagnosed BPD for many years. She is very defensive that it wasn't BPD and believes that BPD is viewed by other as being a 'bad person'. She knows my daughter's diagnosis and is pretty dismissive of it, saying it's not a 'big problem like bipolar' and that it's her behaviour that is wrong rather than a mental health issue. She did say though that in some ways it's not my daughter's fault as I am the one who brought her up on my own for years and let her get away with anything without repercussions (which I agree there is a lot of truth in).

I'm feeling pretty floored by all this tonight to be honest, and I am struggling to communicate with my girl as I do see that yes she is often rude to me and maybe I should do something to stop her - but I really don't know what to do or even if I can recognise when she is being out of order as tbh this is how we have existed together for years... .

Anyhow, no real point to this post other than letting it out.

If anyone has any thoughts though i'd appreciate your help

X

[wideawakemum]

I have a 14 year old daughter with emerging BPD. I adore her and in her good moments she is a wonderful loving daughter, but often she is angry, violent, self destructive, rude, abusive, disrespectful and selfish.

Today my sister in law told me 'what she thinks' about our life and it's hit me pretty hard. She is protective of her brother / my husband who is a wheelchair user and she is afraid that my girl's behaviour could lead to her attacking him. She also says that my daughter talks to us both with so little respect it's shameful and says that I do nothing to stop it nor chastise her.

My sister in law is diagnosed bipolar after originally being diagnosed BPD for many years. She is very defensive that it wasn't BPD and believes that BPD is viewed by other as being a 'bad person'. She knows my daughter's diagnosis and is pretty dismissive of it, saying it's not a 'big problem like bipolar' and that it's her behaviour that is wrong rather than a mental health issue. She did say though that in some ways it's not my daughter's fault as I am the one who brought her up on my own for years and let her get away with anything without repercussions (which I agree there is a lot of truth in).

I'm feeling pretty floored by all this tonight to be honest, and I am struggling to communicate with my girl as I do see that yes she is often rude to me and maybe I should do something to stop her - but I really don't know what to do or even if I can recognise when she is being out of order as tbh this is how we have existed together for years... .

Anyhow, no real point to this post other than letting it out.

If anyone has any thoughts though i'd appreciate your help

X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear wideawake

I am sorry you had to listen to your sister-inlaw... . she is obviously uneducated on the topic of BPD and has her own issues. That is not the kind of support you need right now.

You need tools to deal with the raging and the violence etc... .

Have you read any of the links here? First in foremost you need to change the way you interact with your daughter. If you decide your boundary is that she will speak to you with respect then stick with that... . any time she begins a conversation and she is unable to be repectful I would end it right then and there... . walk away and not engage her. Learn how to defuse the rage... . boundaries are very important.

If you feel unsafe in your home you need to make a safe place for you and your husband... . I have a lock on my bedroom door... . the electronic kind that you punch numbers in to open... . this is a place you can go to feel safe... . if you really feel unsafe I would call the police... . I found that only when I started to call for outside help did things change. You do not need to be afraid in your own home.

Here are some links... . I hope they help... .


Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I really found that changing how I interacted with my daughter was key... . setting some boundaries and following up on them... . CALL THE POLICE... . do not be afraid to get the help you need. Ask them for a evaluation if she is totally out of control.

Please take care of yourself... . limit your contact with your SIL... . she doesn't help the situation and doesn't understand... . before my dd16 had a DX of BPD i tried the tough love appraoch and things just got worse... . you really need to approach them in a different way. My dd16 is also ODD and that just makes things extra hard... . everything is a battle and a power struggle.

Is you dd getting any help? Does she have a therapist? Hang in there... . it can and will get better... . we are all running a marathon here not a race... . there are better days ahead

[peaceplease]

wideawakemum,

I can understand how you were floored! I would be crushed, if I had a sister-in-law say that to me.   Are you in therapy for yourself?  You are dealing with a lot.  

jellibeans gave you some great links that will help you. 

Do you have a therapist for yourself?  You are going through a lot.  Please take care of yourself.

peaceplease

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I am sorry that you are enduring the added stress of your sister-in-law's comments.  It is very sad and disheartening, I know.

I have found some of my family members to be "non-believers" of BPD and most mental health issues in general. I have found there non-support to be most troubling to me at times.  But, I have also learned to not talk to those family members about it.  And if they initiate a discussion about my BPDd, I change the subject, or I find a way to politely indicate that the subject is not up for discussion.  (I, myself, received that advice here on this site).

Research the topic as much as you can, you will learn that your daughter's behavior is not really a choice she is making per se.  It's typical behavior of BPD, and they exhibit that behavior to get needs met in unhealty ways.  They need to learn strategies - if they accept professional help - to overcome their natural tendencies towards those types of behaviors. 

Now, if you do in fact fear for your own safety or that of your husband's, you need to find a way to get yourselves safe first and foremost before you can deal with your daughter's issues.  You may have to make some very tough choices with this, but you do need to keep safe.

And yes, try to find a counselor - one who may have experience with BPD - for yourself.

I wish you the best.

[wideawakemum]

Hi jellibeans, peaceplease and conflictedxAMillion,

Thank you all so much for taking time to comment and try to help - beleive me you all have helped me already!

I have already put into place a few changes today with my girl regarding 'respect' - which has gone down very badly with her (why are you being horrible to me?) but has actually worked in curbing some of the behaviour.

All your words re the sister-in-law issue has helped me a lot - the thing i struggled with most is this - where i see my daughter as a nice loveable person who is suffering, unhappy and needs compassion, she seemed to believe she didn't deserve compasion because her behaviour is affecting others. I agree that yes it is hard for us too, but i don't believe she is purposefully trying to hurt us, it's just a symptom and we need to help her at the same time as trying to help ourselves.

Thank you all again - what a wonderful place this site is!

x