Is it time for my sorry letter?

[suchsadness]

Hi all,

As many of you know - I have been struggling with whether to write a sorry letter to my BPD36 dd... . or not!  My T and dh both say it is a bad idea.  She has been raging off and on for over a year at me, with NC for about 6 months, then she wrote in October that she forgives me, but was triggered again when I told my other dd that BPD dd was concerned about her health (addiction).  I didn't even tell her  that she (BPD dd) was taking pictures and videos of her to prove her sister needs help.  She was indicating that she wanted us to go on Dr. Phil (I know that funny... . but unfortunately I think it might be true).  BPD dd told me she called the show and got a return call... . etc.  Anyway, she sent me a link to a You Tube video of Dr. Phil's show about a mother who was self-centered, the video was called "Selfish, ME ME ME ME".  It was 2 adult daughters addressing their issues with the mother who took one of their beds in a divorce settlement and the mother wouldn't apologize, etc.   Dr. Phil pretty much sided with the daughters and said the mother was incapable of owning her bad choices.  Anyway, she wanted me to watch it and was very nice by saying there would be no finger pointing but you can't deny the similarities, and if I don't respond to her email she understands.  We all can see that I was in a no win situation - where if I don't respond then she will say I can't face the truth... . if I do respond it opens the door to more drama.  Well I took the bait and responded by saying I watched the video but made no comments - my mistake for not validating how she felt.  So this lead to her raging at me, telling me I have no regrets... . bad mom, bad mom and on and on.  I made another mistake and said I do have regrets and against my dh advice, listed them (and unfortunately added some facts about the regrets such as "I regret that I moved us out of state in an effort to support my family" and said I was sorry for making decisions that caused her pain.  She responded by saying I was making myself the victim and trying to justify everything.  I do see what she is saying after I read it again... . and am considering writing one more time and this time more in the lines of the sorry letter.  Here is what I have come up with at this point and would like some feedback from people here.  I know the dangers of writing - and realize that I just keep getting myself in deeper with her, and I should probably listen to my dh and T and just STOP the insanity! 

Here is what I have drafted at this point... .

I understand what you are saying about the email I wrote about the regrets I have.  I am not going to justify or defend that.  I do own that I made mistakes and did not have enough consideration about how my decisions were affecting my children.  There is a lot of hurt between all of us, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t recognize how much pain you were in, one of the things that I had no justification for when I wrote you that email.  I would like to be a part of your healing process instead of being the biggest trigger that keeps you unhappy. 

Any suggestions on how to end this letter - other than delete it?      If not sending it and keeping this going is the best approach, then please let me know and I can just accept that this is not working!  Thanks everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Suchsadness. We are in a similar situation at present. I recently sent my DD an apology letter, well an apology sentence really, and it has opened up a little communication but it is a  complex communication still with plenty of  potential to go badly.

From advice I have read on here and my own considerations, here are my thoughts:

1. Think very carefully what you want. Do you really want a relationship with your DD (which will inevitably contain its share of hurt and misunderstanding) or do you want her to understand your perspective. If its the second she probably is unable to do that.

2 If you are still feeling hurt and emotional yourself it can be difficult to be genuinely validating of her feelings. The apology letter has to be totally sincere and genuine.

I think I might make it even shorter and finish after "didn't recognise how much pain you were in" any explanation at all gives something to argue with.

Be prepared for a response involving more anger and accusations and also be prepared for "I told you so" from DH and therapist if the initial response is negative.

Remember that you are just taking baby steps to improve your relationship with DD and trying to open the door.

Having said all that they are our daughters and we love them so I think it is worth a try. I would just end the short letter by sending your love.

[co.jo]

Hi suchsadness,

I probably shouldn't give advice because my sorry letter was a huge failure, but do you think you could acknowledge what you think she is feeling more? as it is the feelings that rule here, not the situation.

Just a thought.

[jellibeans]

Dear suchsadness

here is my 2 cents... . I feel the letter is a good decision... . I am not sure of what wrongs you have commited in your dd eyes so I am not sure if you letter will be welcomed but I do see her reaching out you... . asking you to watch the video... . she is deperately trying to show you how she feels. I think acknowledging her hurt is a good thing... . try to stay away from who is right and who is wrong... . did Valerie Porr's book help you at all with the letter... .

Dear daughter... . I have made mistakes and did not have enough consideration about how my decisions were affecting my children.  There is a lot of hurt between all of us, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t recognize how much pain you were in. I would like to be a part of your healing process. I love you very much ... . mom

[suchsadness]

Well... . maybe my answer has come in the form of the negative texts I've been getting today from BPD dd36.  She has been dissecting my email and coming back at me about the order I listed my regrets in, saying I'm going behind her back to get at my grandsons (I guess because I sent them some valentines treats to their home - she doesn't have or won't give me an address where she is and says she is homeless), etc.  I am so torn about knowing what to do, now it seems like I have just added to her fuel of anger by giving her more ammunition.  jellibeans you make a good point about her trying to reach out and let me know how she is feeling - but it always involves beating me up and I end up in a no win situation with either not responding or responding... . which is always the wrong way!

Lever - also a good point about thinking about what it is I really want in the end.  It is NOT for her to see/understand my perspective, that is not even possible.  And it would be a whole lot easier to let it go if there weren't the 2 grandsons involved.   :'(

I told dh last night that when I sent the email with regrets and apology - I'm done and now if I send this sorry letter and it blows up in my face it would not be good.  I keep saying/thinking that something is eventually going to make this relationship better, but maybe I just need to face reality and realize there is nothing I can do to save our relationship at this point and it needs to come from her.  Like I said before, I just keep getting myself in deeper all the time.

[lever.]

Sorry about the unpleasant texts, Suchsadness.

My first point wasn't meant to be challenging, its just that someone put the same question to ME and it made me think!

In my most recent thread Eclair5 suggested something I might write in similar circumstances to the ones you face now (e-mails getting progressively more negative and me wondering whether to give up). You could have a look if you think it might be helpful. Its along the lines of " our recent contact seems to have upset you and I do not want to be the cause of further stress to you. Perhaps you are not ready to re-connect with me at present. Know that I love you very much and would love to be part of your life. Take your time and remember I will always be here".

[suchsadness]

OK - I'm not sure I'm going to even tell my dh or T... . but I did send something to my dd36 a few seconds ago.  We will see how it goes, keeping my fingers crossed that it won't cause more rage.

I re-read her texts and I have to say that they were mild compared to the ones being shot at me before I told her I am not going to sit back and allow my adult child to verbally abuse me.  I read it without letting my emotion be a factor - and did not take them personal.

HUGE thank you to jellibeans - I actually copied what you wrote, except I said I would like to be supportive in her healing process verses I would like to be a part of her healing process. 

I feel I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point in trying... . just like you said Lever - she is my daughter, I love her and so it is worth a try. 

Thank you everyone for your responses - they really helped.  Will keep you posted about what I hear back from her.

[jellibeans]

Dear suchsadness

I am hoping things go well but realize there is sometimes nothing you can say to make things better. Not taking things personally is certainly a good way to proceed... . I have found that the times I have written my dd a letter has been the best way to get through to her and I hope your dd really takes your letter to heart.

[suchsadness]

I got a response today from BPD dd36.  The first text was about the drama that is going on between my 2 dd's that I am desperately trying to stay out if... . about this whole Dr. Phil stuff of all things!  I didn't get a chance to respond because I had company and wasn't able to which May have been best anyway.

Her second post was in response to my message.  Here is what she said:

"thanks for the offer of "support" in my healjng process. i have realized this past year that there is no healing in my future unless i get every single person out of my life. EVERYONE. so again, thanks but no thanks. i cant do anything right in anyones eyes so out of site out of mind. bye. i prefer no contact so please respect that."

I am now torn about answering this or not.  In the past I would have decided to not respond because she is asking me for no contact.  But I am also thinking that I should validate her feelings that she is feeling like she doesn't want anyone in her life and she is feeling guilty for getting herself into a bad situation.

[lever.]

I'm no expert, it isn't going well for me either, but I think I would send one short reply validating her feelings and saying that you don't want to cause her more stress and will respect her wishes. I would reassure her that you love her and will always be there should she change her mind in the future.

After that I don't think there is much you can do but look after yourself and try to focus on other aspects of your life. This will make you stronger when she comes back.

I'm glad you weren't able to reply to the first message, these sibling issues are awkward to deal with 

[jellibeans]

suchsadness

I am so sorry to read that she has to decided to cut you out of her life again. I agree with lever and her response.

Seems she was offended by the "offer of support"... . it seems there really is nothing you can say that she doesn't take offense to. I am sorry the letter didn't help but I do feel that when a pwBPD makes a decision they tend to dig in their heels. Respond back briefly and then wait and see what happens later. Go on with your life and be happy!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Thanks Lever and jellibeans - you both have such good feedback and input!

I know I have a hard time validating my dd's feelings because there is such a history of me saying ALL the wrong things according to her.  I do believe it would be best to write something short and validating.  I have drafted this and would again appreciate feedback.  I know the "E", empathy will most likely not be in this - because I trigger her when I say anything remotely close to "I would feel that way too" or even "others" or "a lot of people", would feel that way.  So if anyone has an idea about adding an empathy statement please let me know. 

Here is what I have so far:

Dd, I hear what you are saying, that it seems better for you to get everyone out of your life in order to move forward.  I don't want to cause you more stress and will respect your wishes.  I love you and will be here for you if you change your mind.

As I read it, I'm not sure about it - I'm open to changes :-).  Thanks all!

[jellibeans]

suchsadness

this is a tricky one for sure... . I would keep it short. When I go back and read her response I am wondering if there is a way to sympathize and also show how you feel as well?

"I also feel like I can't do anything right is this relationship. I will respect your wishes and not contact you again because I do not want to cause you any more stress. I love you and I am here when you are ready."

I really don't know if this would make a difference but if it were me I would want her to know that she is not the only one that is feeling judged. I am so sorry but maybe she just needs some time to heal. Taking a break might help the both of you.

[lever.]

I like your first sentence, suchsadness which describes what she said and then what jellibeans says. For some reason I prefer the words "when you feel ready"  rather than "if you change your mind" which is what I suggested originally.

I think after sending it I would work on letting the whole thing go. I truly feel for you. I know how upsetting it is with the GC involved as well, try to do some nice things for yourself even if you don't really feel like it. You have done all you can to let her know you care and leave the door open. I think anything further now might push her away more.

[Gidget]

Dear SuchSadness, You sound like me 2years ago I was damn it I did and damn if I didn't. What I have begun to realize thru all this stuff with my daughter is that it isn't about who was right or wrong but about how my daughter felt. My story was pretty complicated concerning her father. I realized the more I tried to justify what I did the more angrier she got. It has been a long road. I wrote her a letter explaining what happened with her Father. In the end of the letter I told her when she was ready I would be there if she wanted to speak.

I think the best thing I did was 1. set boundaries with her. I started to work on myself we feel pretty beaten up by them which really killed my self worth as a Mother. I gave her the space it wasn't easy because boy oh boy I wanted to make things better. She is 37yrs. For 2years we had almost no contact expect with the kids to pick them up. It was the worst day of my life.

I read and read and started to realize I was so close to the situation I couldn't really see her perspective on things. I realize I don't need to be right anymore but to heal this relationship.

Since I gave her the space she needed to heal worked my myself I am now in counseling we have slowly begun to have contact again. She has started to come back in my house and vice a versa she is back to answering the phones we are sitting at my grandkids games again together. We are no where back to a relationship but like the counselor said we need to build the trust back

I have learned to take the baby steps like everyone says here. I think the time I took to really step back and try to see her thru her eyes has opened my eyes.

I could see now the way I handled some things weren't the best way I was a good mother and it wasn't all my fault but some were.

The time I took to work on me will no doubt make a difference.

Forget  Dr. Phil Good luck

[suchsadness]

Thanks again for the input everyone 

I think I'm ready to send this today, with a little revision.  I like the feedback from all of you and it helps to step back and think about things to let emotions settle.  Gidget - it is so true that you want to make everything better, and each justification for the past just makes things worse.  I am realizing that I need to step way back too, so maybe this no/low contact is best for both of us.  The first time she went no contact with me I was so sad and hurt - and had a really hard time dealing with the fact that she also cut communication with my grandchildren.  I am much stronger now - and have also dealt with the fact that I did make mistakes and she feels pain/hurt from the mistakes that I made involving her.  The "damned it I do, damned if I don't" statement is about the issues with her sister, and she is mixing all the drama from this stupid Dr. Phil attempt, her sister taking her stuff, me talking to her sister, etc... . and I can see she is feeling overwhelmed about the whole mess, it's not just about our relationship at this point. 

Here is my revision - and I'm thinking about sending it later today:

Dd, I hear what you are saying and feeling, that it seems better for you to get everyone out of your life in order to move forward, and it's hard to do that when there is drama involved.  I don't want to cause you more stress and will respect your no contact wishes.  I love you and will be here when you are ready.

I am not expecting a response - and actually am at a point where I would feel best if she doesn't respond and we can each take a break.  I hope she can do that with her sister as well.  I know my other dd has told me she is done with it... . it has gotten very nasty between the two of them at this point... . and like I said - I'm trying to stay out of that!

[suchsadness]

Well, I sent the response and unfortunately did get a text back from dd.  Guess I should have gone with my first instinct to not respond to her no contact request. When will I ever learn? She said whoever is feeding you all these clinical responses probably doesn't know the whole story because of your selective memory... . I think you're well aware that I can cut people out of my life with a bat if an eye". 

She is also fixated on "destroying" my other dd's life.  It is so sad that she claims to be changing and yet is probably as bad or worse than I have ever seen her.  She told me that she now has a long term goal - and "you are not in it".

I am ready to take my T advice and enjoy my life with my dh... . also jellibeans advice to go on with my life and be happy.  Too bad I just didn't listen in the beginning!

[pessim-optimist]

Well, I sent the response and unfortunately did get a text back from dd.  Guess I should have gone with my first instinct to not respond to her no contact request. When will I ever learn?

Please don't beat yourself up, suchsadness... .  

You yourself said it was a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' situation... . Perhaps there was a better way to do it - we all improve through practice... .

[MammaMia]

Suchsadness

It always strikes me as uncanny that they seem to instinctively know what we are thinking and doing.

It is almost like there is a psychic connection between pwBPD and us.  

I would let it go. There is nothing else to say. The conversation has ended and she is in control of the outcome which is exactly what she wanted. However, you did get your points across, so all is not lost.

Let her make the next move.  I suspect if you stop responding, you will hear from her eventually... . at her convenience.  Yet another control issue.

[lever.]

Suchsadness, I echo that, please don't beat yourself up at all, you're reply was short and entirely reasonable. I think you're DD is frustrated because she isn't getting the expected response. She may need to create a drama because she wants to project her own feelings and your responses aren't allowing it. You really have done all you can and need to let go and look after yourself now.

No further response from you is possible.

I wish I could suggest that we went for a nice day out and lunch. Do whatever you enjoy and try to push all this out of your mind for the moment, do your best to enjoy your own life 

[jellibeans]

As a mother you have to beleive you are doing the best you can for your child... . give her some time and you take time for yourself and see what a little distance will do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Thanks everyone... . and yes I am letting it go and won't be contacting her. I have a family wedding out of state this weekend and intend on enjoying my dh and family very much.

I got a call from my other dd last night who was distressed because BPD dd was now contacting people and trying to involve all these other people in their issues.  I'm sure she is upset that she isn't able to pull me into their mess so she is seeking other people.  My other dd's best friend (who is also married to my nephew so that makes her family as well) asked my other dd to stop using facebook to air their problems so I'm not sure what is going on there either.  Again - trying to stay out of their issues but I do feel bad for my other dd as I know how much damage BPD dd is capable of doing and how much it all hurts your spirit.   :'(   I also know that my BPD dd must be very stressed and out of control at this point because she is obsessed with hurting everyone who cares about her... . how sad is that?

[jellibeans]

Suchsadness

Go to your wedding and have fun... . put this behind you. It is good you are not being dragged into your dd's fight. Focus on yourself right now. I truly hope she reaches out to you one day and has time to see that you have been a good mother to her.

[MammaMia]

Suchsadness

It may be the time for your dd to go nc with BPDdd as well.  She does not have to put up with this behavior and by going nc, she is saying enough is enough.  Game over.

Have a wonderful time at the wedding.  YOU have done nothing wrong, YOU have not failed your BPDdd.  SHE has determined the course of action.

Let it go.

[suchsadness]

Yes - I agree with all of you... . time for a break, again!

My non BPD dd is going no contact.  In talking with her last night she said she went off FB - so that ends that connection and she blocked her from her phone. 

[Gidget]

Sorry for how she responded but it is true when I let her go and did not contact her is when my daughter did start to come around. My husband always said it was about control. I now pretty much step back and let her come to me. I do also make small steps towards her but not like before. I have seen a hugh shift. Keep the faith I know how you feel I was at my darkest when this all started and now I do feel a lot better.