DD22 banging her head

[yogablue]

I went to see my dd22 this evening, she lives in a rather squalid house with other young people, has no job and is still 'reeling' from the recent breakup with her bf who she hates with a passion and said she'd like to 'destroy his life'.

We talked in her room for over an hour, mainly about therapists as she really wants to talk to someone about her problems dealing with life.

Some parts were good, others not so.  She said she felt she's wasting her life, wanted to go to university and get an education and a good job.  She tried 3 courses and dropped out of all of them, despite being intelligent.  She feels like a failure.

One thing really bothered me though, she said one night this week she had a 'manic' episode where she was banging her head.  When I calmly asked what she meant, she said she was hitting her head with her fist.  She described feeling no emotion for days prior, and then 'everything came flooding back' (I assume she means the emotions she's suppressing.)  She says she'd become aware of what she was doing and then have moments of lucidity.  I am so worried.

I asked her if she'd experienced this before, and she said a few times but it's getting worse.  She's just tired of everything.  I asked if she'd considered suicide and she said 'yes, but she'd never do it.'

She also said that if someone admitted her into a mental hospital right now, she'd go.  She feels very lonely and frightened.  I asked her if I could do anything, if she wanted me to go take her to hospital and she said she didn't want to create any drama.

I took her out for dinner (I only see her once a week) and she cheered up.  It broke my heart dropping her at her house, no-one was home and watching her walk down the dark drive-way just cut me up.  I offered for her to stay at our house for the weekend, as her friend who lives with her is away until Sunday, but she declined.

It is so hard.  I hope she can find a counsellor to start talking to as soon as possible.  Perhaps she's developing bipolar disorder.  I just don't know anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear yogoblue

I am sorry your dd is struggling so but I do think it was good that she was able to talk with you... . I hope that helped her some. Is she actively seeking a therapist? Maybe you could help her with that because she feels very overwhelmed right now.

do you think you should have took her to the hospital... . I have found that taking my dd16 to the hospital got her the help she needed faster... . she just sounds like she is in such despair... . has she ever tried to hurt herself before?

[peaceplease]

yogablue,

I am sorry about your dd having such a difficult time over the breakup of her bf.  It is good that she was able to share with you.

I don't think the hospital would  have done anything at the hospital, unless she admitted to active suicide or homicide ideations.

She was able to talk to you, and I think that helped her. 

peaceplease

[Thursday]

yogablue,

You are from Australia, correct? I don't know what the parameters are in your country for having an adult child admitted for treatment.

This

She also said that if someone admitted her into a mental hospital right now, she'd go. 

sounds like a real cry for help to me. Along with saying she feels suicidal but wouldn't do anything about it, to me it sounds like she is asking for some big, real help.

Are you in a position to help her find something she can immerse herself into?

Scary stuff... .

thursday

[yogablue]

I was really concerned this morning after last night's events.  Yes, my dd and I are actively seeking a T together, I printed off some options and we discussed them together last night.

At present I'm trying to gauge how capable she is of making a choice, to choose one T to see, and if that is not the right one, to try another.  It's so important that she feels connected to the person she's going to trust with this process.  We're discussing it again tomorrow when I'll get a better sense of whether she's capable of making a decision (which I'd prefer, but am happy to step in if she wants me to.)

I rang a few of the T's this morning (it's Saturday here, and yes I'm in Australia).  One said their books were 'full' and the other gave me the details of admitting her to hospital if things become acute, but he said she wouldn't 'like it there'. 

In Australia I suspect she'd have to be considered suicidal to be admitted, which I don't believe she is.  I rang her today and she said she was going out with a girlfriend this afternoon.  I invited her to stay with us this weekend if she wanted to, and she was grateful so I went to pick her up this afternoon and she is here with us now.  I know she doesn't want to be alone and in her present state I don't want her to be either.

She's quite amazing, after seeing her last night where she can be feeling literally like she's dying/crying inside, but she can hold it together when in company (my h is not her father, but very understanding with her.)  I've just come back here after chatting with her and my h for some time and she's flat but seems okay.

The T I spoke to this morning said she can see him next week, which is great as so many of them are booked up for weeks.  He has a lot of experience with BPD and, he says, has had very good results.  He practices DPT (?) and a mindfulness program, and is also a psychiatrist which seems possibly like a good mix as he can also look after any medication she may need.

Right now this is the priority, as she is literally crying out for help and wanting the pain to go away, which is why I think she said she'd go to hospital if someone offered it to her.  I think she really needs to get on the right medication, as she's on anti-depressants which she and I have both read can be less than useful in her current state... .

I feel reasonably confident that we'll find the right T, and have said to her, with a lot of work on her part, I'm sure she will be able to lead a productive life when she comes out the other side.  Let's hope... . I have told her, and mean it, that I'll stand by her and do anything I can to help her find the help she's asking for.

[jellibeans]

That is good new yogablue... . I am glad your search is going well and you are close to getting in with a thearpist... . Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is really one of the best therapy for BPD... . I am glad you invited her home... . that was good... . it is good she has the ability to talk with you and share what she is felling... . all positive going forward... . please keep us posted

[yogablue]

Well my dd22 went to see a psychiatrist today, and I spoke to her about it this evening.

It's hard to gauge how the session went, but what she got out of it is that the T believes in reducing medication in the long term, and 'she's not ready for it', not even in the next 12 months in her words.

We talked it through, as he was obviously getting to know her and her concerns being the first consultation.  My suggestion that she see him one more time to discuss a future 'plan' met with she didn't think she could gel with him.

So be it.  The problem we have here in Australia, is if you don't see a psychiatrist, which the govt. medical aid will assist with, you're at the mercy of the system in seeing a psychologist, which is what my dd says she'd like, someone to talk through her issues with.

We basically get 10 sessions (in addition to 10 group therapy sessions) at a reduced rate, and then we're out there on our own, paying for each one after what amounts to 2 months treatment.  My dd doesn't have private medical aid, and if she did she'd probably be disqualified as having a pre-existing condition.

I'm trying to be neutral, and suggesting she sees a psychologist of her choosing, but even if she finds the 'right' one, I know I can't afford for her to keep getting the treatment she needs and is looking for.

The main thing she 'got' out of today was the psychiatrist doesn't believe medication is the answer to everything, and in the long term he'd try to reduce it.  So she doesn't want to go back.

My next conversation will have to be, I can afford x amount of therapy with a psychologist, but after that I don't know what will happen.  Kind of sucks.

[jellibeans]

When it comes to medication I have to agree in part... . my dd16 needs her meds right now but in time I can see her being off all meds. I think it is a very well supported belief that Meds are not the answer for BPD... . I also think at times people are over medicated and are so numb they can't feel anything... . which on one is good but I think their quality of life suffers. What meds is your dd on and for what reason? I would be interested to know why she is not keen on getting off meds in the future?

[yogablue]

Interesting question jellibeans, and something my h and I've been talking about over the past two days.

My dd is on anti-depressants (which both she and I've heard can be less than useful for someone with BPD) and Ritalin, both prescribed by the same psychiatrist that she's seen for the past 2 years.  It's my belief that her friend (with Bipolar) told my dd about Ritalin as a good way to lose weight.  My dd shopped around until she found a dr. that would prescribe it to her.

In some ways I'm really angry, and have expressed my concerns to my dd.  Her psych. seems to be treating symptoms that she presents at a particular time.  My dd says she's discussed BPD with the T, but when I ask what she says about that, there's not too much of a reply. I even think now the Ritalin may be the reason she's having these 'episodes' like feeling out of body and banging her head with her fist.

I asked my dd why she's taking Ritalin, as she started it nearly 2 yrs ago when she was studying.  She now stays at home, unemployed, living in a hovel with other young people.  She say she can't 'concentrate' without it.  (Concentrate on what, I ask myself?)

I don't know a lot about Ritalin, but am currently doing some research. It seems to be addictive, and one reason I believe my dd didn't like the new psychiatrist she saw yesterday was he may not prescribe it to her.

This is dangerous stuff, self-medicating and seeking out a dr. who will give you want you want, or believe you need.  My h and I are now getting our heads around the fact that she may be dependent on Ritalin, and without addressing this, any T is going to be more or less useless.  It's effectively an addiction, and we all know how in line with BPD that is!

I'd love to hear other people's experiences with medication, and Ritalin specifically.  I'm sure it has it's place, but not to the point where the person thinks they can't function without it.

I've said to my dd that whatever counsellor gives her T, she's going to have to work with THEIR psychiatrist and whatever drug regime they recommend.  As I said to her, neither she nor I are experts in this.

I've been hopeful, but as Vivekenanda wisely told me, it's one step forwards and two steps backwards... .   feeling so over it right now.