Just so sick of it all

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have twin daughters age 17. One I am positive has BPD, the other has issues such as anger, anxiety, and hypochondria. She is not as extreme in her abuse,but she is getting there, but I am beginning to wonder about her too. Their father left when they were infants, and I dedicated myself to making them happy. Big mistake. Happy doesn't necessarily equal good parenting. I worked full time and got a grad degree while raising them alone. I spent every dime I had on them and their expensive hobbies to the point where I was in financial dire straits. As they became teenagers they became emotionally and verbally abusive, especially when they didn't get what they want. Screaming 'shut up' at me in front of other people, calling me 'bhit', etc. In the last few years, as they are approaching adulthood, I decided to start doing things for myself, such as dating, and taking other career opportunities. As you can imagine, it has gone over like a lead balloon. I found a wonderful man. One hated him immediately, the other decided she hated him when she discovered moving in with him wouldn't turn her into the happy little rich girl. She actually said, "you promised I would get all this stuff ( I never promise ANYTHING) when we moved in here and you lied. So I don't like it here". Mind you, she has a car that he bought for her (yes a bomber, but still a car), her smartphone paid for, and a horse that I have been paying board for. The other refused to come with me and lives with her grandparents, who are complete enablers, but starting to get the picture.  I can't take it anymore. I have been physically blocked from leaving (by the one I am sure is BPD), screamed at, my boyfriend has been wrongly maligned, they don't like any of my friends (who stopped coming around for a while because they couldn't bear to watch my kids treat me like garbage), and they treat me like crap. The one that is worse is in counseling, but only wants to go when I am there too. She uses it as a session to get up on her soapbox and be dramatic. She tells the counselor that her only problem is me, but she also can't get along with friends, fights with her sister and has had horrible fights with her father. She is a master manipulator and any conversation with her feels like a chess game for my sanity.

Frankly, I am so disgusted with both of them that I can't wait for them to turn 18 and graduate. There is only so much abuse one person can take and I am about there. Their father has what even he thinks is bipolar disorder (He doesn't know about BPD) and he was very emotionally abusive to me in my marriage. He left way too early for the girls to remember how he treated me, but honestly, they treat me just like he did.

I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I am just an emotional wreck about it. Just this morning, the "easier one" told (not asked) me to sign a paper for school. I literally had it in my hand for three seconds glancing at it to see what it was, and she said in the most hateful voice, "Oh my god, stop staring at it and just sign it." I said, "I'm not signing anything without seeing what I'm signing" and she was just like, "Then you'll bhit that I'm late for school." It was just her school schedule , and I had been nothing but friendly to her. I know this is a minor thing, but I can't take how they talk to me anymore. I'm about ready to tell her if she hates it so much here that she can't keep a civil tone talking to me (unless she wants something), then why doesn't she move in with her grandparents too.

I feel betrayed, disappointed and devastated about my children. I am to the point that when they are adults and out of school, I want to move out of the area. I know I didn't do everything perfect as a parent. I should have cracked down on them when they were younger, but the one with obvious BPD was so hard, with six hour tantrums and OCD behavior, that I just had to get through each day. I am a hard-working, kind, considerate person. Probably too nice. I don't understand any of this kind of behavior.

[pullingmyhairout]

I have twin daughters age 17. One I am positive has BPD, the other has issues such as anger, anxiety, and hypochondria. She is not as extreme in her abuse,but she is getting there, but I am beginning to wonder about her too. Their father left when they were infants, and I dedicated myself to making them happy. Big mistake. Happy doesn't necessarily equal good parenting. I worked full time and got a grad degree while raising them alone. I spent every dime I had on them and their expensive hobbies to the point where I was in financial dire straits. As they became teenagers they became emotionally and verbally abusive, especially when they didn't get what they want. Screaming 'shut up' at me in front of other people, calling me 'bhit', etc. In the last few years, as they are approaching adulthood, I decided to start doing things for myself, such as dating, and taking other career opportunities. As you can imagine, it has gone over like a lead balloon. I found a wonderful man. One hated him immediately, the other decided she hated him when she discovered moving in with him wouldn't turn her into the happy little rich girl. She actually said, "you promised I would get all this stuff ( I never promise ANYTHING) when we moved in here and you lied. So I don't like it here". Mind you, she has a car that he bought for her (yes a bomber, but still a car), her smartphone paid for, and a horse that I have been paying board for. The other refused to come with me and lives with her grandparents, who are complete enablers, but starting to get the picture.  I can't take it anymore. I have been physically blocked from leaving (by the one I am sure is BPD), screamed at, my boyfriend has been wrongly maligned, they don't like any of my friends (who stopped coming around for a while because they couldn't bear to watch my kids treat me like garbage), and they treat me like crap. The one that is worse is in counseling, but only wants to go when I am there too. She uses it as a session to get up on her soapbox and be dramatic. She tells the counselor that her only problem is me, but she also can't get along with friends, fights with her sister and has had horrible fights with her father. She is a master manipulator and any conversation with her feels like a chess game for my sanity.

Frankly, I am so disgusted with both of them that I can't wait for them to turn 18 and graduate. There is only so much abuse one person can take and I am about there. Their father has what even he thinks is bipolar disorder (He doesn't know about BPD) and he was very emotionally abusive to me in my marriage. He left way too early for the girls to remember how he treated me, but honestly, they treat me just like he did.

I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I am just an emotional wreck about it. Just this morning, the "easier one" told (not asked) me to sign a paper for school. I literally had it in my hand for three seconds glancing at it to see what it was, and she said in the most hateful voice, "Oh my god, stop staring at it and just sign it." I said, "I'm not signing anything without seeing what I'm signing" and she was just like, "Then you'll bhit that I'm late for school." It was just her school schedule , and I had been nothing but friendly to her. I know this is a minor thing, but I can't take how they talk to me anymore. I'm about ready to tell her if she hates it so much here that she can't keep a civil tone talking to me (unless she wants something), then why doesn't she move in with her grandparents too.

I feel betrayed, disappointed and devastated about my children. I am to the point that when they are adults and out of school, I want to move out of the area. I know I didn't do everything perfect as a parent. I should have cracked down on them when they were younger, but the one with obvious BPD was so hard, with six hour tantrums and OCD behavior, that I just had to get through each day. I am a hard-working, kind, considerate person. Probably too nice. I don't understand any of this kind of behavior.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[yogablue]

Oh my heart goes out to you pullingmyhairout.  It sounds so similar to my interaction with my dd22 when she was an adolescent.  I too divorced her father when she was 17, and when I lived alone with her I bore the brunt of her rage and anger, even though I was conscious of creating a 'safe haven' for her.

She ordered me around, sent me abusive texts, demanded this and demanded that.  I was struggling financially as I paid all the money her father gave to support her on her horse.

When I met my now husband, she told me many time that she'd 'laugh in my face when he left me.'  Well he didn't, and she no longer lives with us and is learning to be independent the hard way, living on social security.

I too am kind and gentle, and my daughter verbally abused me, pushed me over a coffee table.  I know now, years later, that what I didn't do was set boundaries.  This is hard, but without doing it unfortunately your daughters will continue to walk all over you.

I too am new here, and others will be better able to point you to lessons in how to regain control.  Luckily, they DO grow up and leave home, which is when you will have the peace to pursue what's important to YOU, like a relationship with your partner.  I fully appreciate your desperation, but you will get help here.

Sending you hugs and strength.

[crumblingdad]

Welcome back to the board!

I am so sorry for what you are going through - sounds truly exhausting and I can relate to it.  It's tremendously difficult when no matter what we do for our children it doesn't ever seem to be enough, the right thing, adequate etc.

What I have found here is you are amongst those who understand and we help guide each other to the tools that truly can change the way we communicate with our children and how we take care of ourselves.  You absolutely sound like you need to take a little time to stop beating yourself up and taking care of YOU which can be very difficult when you're trying to care for and love your children who just don't seem to appreciate that.

Have you read any material on BPD yet?

I would first recommend you check out this video:

Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder

As the father of a 17 year old DD with BPD I also want to recommend my favorite book of all-time on BPD.  I can say, without equal, this book taught me more about my daughter and ways to improve how to communicate with her then any other.  Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - Valerie Porr

[pullingmyhairout]

Thanks yogablue for the words of support. It really does help! Feel free to contact me, I would love to talk.

Crumblingdad, I have read so much stuff. I just watched the video you sent. The thing I have never been sure about is that both of my daughters don't really fall into the self harm/risky behavior thing, at least not in a typical fashion. Neither are into drugs or drinking, they both have been sexually active, but not promiscuous. The one I am just about positive about for BPD, does seem to get hurt horseback riding, and sometimes I think she is not as safe as she should be in her activity. She also has had one boyfriend, but she chose someone who was a few years older, and already involved with someone else, so you can guess where that led. She makes vague references to suicide, but they are veiled enough that I can't act on them because I told her early on that if she started pulling that, she would be hospitalized with no access to horses.

The other one has a steady boyfriend (who is nice-nicer than her usually ), but she always has something wrong with her. We have  been to more doctors for every ache and pain and there is never any diagnosis.

Both of them have anxiety problems, and I almost think they are too uptight for the typical risky behavior. Not that I'm complaining about that, but, although it sounds crazy, I would almost rather deal with typical teenage experimentation than the clingy, abusive, controlling behavior.

I don't know where that leaves me with a BPD diagnosis... . Just about all the other criteria are met though.

[raytamtay3]

Oh I can soo relate! Many of todays' youth in general have the sense of entitlement.  Add a disorder like BPD to the mix and good lord are we in for it as parents!

I really have no advice as I'm in it BIG time (if you want to read my posts, just search my last posting for some historical information), but know that you are not alone in your angst with your DDs.

Hugs.  

Tam

[pullingmyhairout]

Thanks! I tried to look for your posts, but it doesn't work. Apparently I don't have enough posts here to search anything.

Thank you though, and hopefully I will be able to soon!

[jellibeans]

Dear pullingmyhairout

I can't imagine having two with the same issues... . I am really sorry for your struggles. I have a dd16 and at times things have not been good... . recently I have seen some improvements but because of a recent death she seems to be struggling again... . and that mean the raging and the disrespecting tone and attacks.

It is not easy to deal with someone who is so rude and just plain angry that you are in the room but I try not to take notice and I certainly don't stick around to have a conversation with her... . sooner or later she wants something and that is when I make my point. My dd has not been very kind to me this week... . I know she is greiving a death of a friend but I am not to blame for that... . my dd takes out all her pain on me... . so when she aksed to have a sleepover tonight I told her no.

She of course was not happy about this but I made of point of telling her that she didn't deserve that priviledge and besides she has an SAT class early the next morning. I can ignore some of the way she behaves due to her sdaness but I don't deserve the anger and neither do you.

Have you read any of the tools here to communicate... . these have helped me a great deal. I think being a teen is hard and they already think the world revolves around them then add BPD and it goes to a new level.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents


I think it is time your dds earn the things they are given. If my dd doesn't keep her grades up she loses access to her car... . I think if your daughters are unable to be respectful and kind they also don't need a car... . that is a priviledge... . not a right. ARe they working? Do they pay for their phone and insurance etc? 17 year olds need to realize that these things are not free and they come at a cost. We sat down and wrote a list of values for our family. There were certain things we though were very important... .

respect for oneself... .

No cutting, suicide attemps, dressing appropriately, no drugs, no drinking, take all meds

respect for our home... .

not damaging our home buy punching holes, keeping her room picked up, doing chores etc...

and respect for your family

talking respectfully, no stealing, no raging etc

It might help if you put these things in writing... . set some boundaries. Have you had your girls formally DX? Please also read the links on the right side of this page... . there are ways to defuse the situation and live happily... . at least at times!

[suchsadness]

Hi pullingmyhairout   

I too can SOO relate to you with almost an identical background with trying to make 2 daughters happy and I know - not setting boundaries or expectations for them.  You are many many years ahead of me by recognizing and learning about BPD when they are 17 verses 35!  I am only now trying to set boundaries on the bad treatment and verbal abuse, even when they live across country from me.  The rages I have gotten from my BPD dd36 in the last couple of years is devastating, and to make it even more painful there are now 2 grandsons involved.  I feel your pain in your situation!  Thinking back I realize that the problem they had with me having anyone else in my life was that the focus was no longer completely on them, and especially my dd with BPD.  The best advice I can offer is to set and stick to boundaries about the way they are treating you and let them know it is no longer acceptable.  I know that is hard to start doing when we have gotten so use to being treated that way from them and even difficult to recognize it unless it is so drastic that it hurts.  Start asking yourself if you would talk to them that way, it is/was the only way I could know where to draw my line.  I have definitely NOT figured everything out here, as I am in a situation to be asking advice myself... . but this is my 2 cents.

Also - be good to yourself and do things to keep your own stress level down.   

[pullingmyhairout]

Thanks guys, it just feels better to know I am not alone. I forgot to mention to Yogablue in my previous post that my daughter has said the exact same thing about "laughing in my face when my boyfriend leaves you". I have gotten to a place where it is still hard, but I don't beat myself up anymore. As a matter of fact, my wonderful boyfriend and I mess with her by making sure she sees how good we are together. Cooking dinner together, laughing together etc. I get a perverse joy out of proving her wrong, but I am also hoping that maybe it will register somewhere that this is what a good relationship looks like. My biggest personal challenge is not taking it all personally anymore. It's hard, but I'm getting better at it.

As a follow up, my daughter is being nice to me today. Sometimes it really is like being an abused wife, where your partner beats you up, and then comes back with apologies and flower. I'm sick of it. Not playing the game anymore! I am mom - hear me roar! LOL

[jellibeans]

Dear pullingmyhairout

Use this time when she is being kind to talk about the boundaries you want to put in place... . these are the times to discuss issues when everyone is calm.

[pullingmyhairout]

What next? The latest development is that one of my daughters is inferring that my boyfriend is acting inappropriate around her. Now mind you, her examples, are completely innocuous things that were said when other people were present, including myself..  I have no doubt about his integrity. I told her that her examples were foolish and not indicative of inappropriate behavior at all, so in the next breath she changes her strategy and says that he "hates her". I will say that he has been trying very hard to like her, but her behavior is so unlikeable that it is difficult. I love her and I find it hard to like her often. I feel horribly guilty saying it, but it's the truth. This latest attack (and there have been many other sorts) on him is really bothering me because it is so hateful and potentially damaging. This is a man with a young daughter of his own, who has suffered greatly from the death of his late wife at a terribly young age. I don't even want to tell him much about this because it is so insulting. I honestly feel like I can't take much more of the hateful behavior from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

I am not sure how you would go about being proactive in this case. My daughter accused her dad of sexual abuse when she was 14 and it was devastating for everyone.It was not true. If you think this could possibly head this way, I would recommend talking to someone at Children's services or whatever it is in your area, and asking for advice BEFORE anything happens.So you are on record already with the situation. Good luck.

[Eclaire5]

Co.jo gave you great advice; try to do something about this before she actually makes an accusation. She can very well plan it and talk to one of her teachers knowing that such a statement needs to be reported. Unfortunately, very often BPD girls will make false accusations like that and is their word against their fathers or step-fathers. You have had it rough, but you are now in a very good relationship and I think his support is giving you the strength to set more clear boundaries with your daughters. Don't feel guilty for being sick of it all or not liking them, because it's a very normal, human reaction to the type of situations we live in. We love our children, but we don't necessarily need to like them.

[pullingmyhairout]

Thanks for the advice guys! It truly does make me feel better to read your responses and know I am not alone. I took a proactive step of calling her therapist and giving him the run down on several odd behaviors (hypochondria and fear so many things) and I included the things she has been saying about my bf. She also thinks any man who pays her any kind of compliment and half her male teachers are deviants. He said all of those things (and he didn't seem especially concerned about the half veiled perv accusations) add up to serious anxiety issues. So at least now, if she decides to fabricate anything, there is record of this somewhere "official'. Honestly, I don't think she will outright lie, but she twists things and lies to herself I think. (My other daughter, who is worse, wouldn't hesitate to lie if she thought she could get away with it and "get me back". Fortunately, she is living with her grandparents and is never alone with my bf).  I kind of tipped off my bf (he was quote "skeeved out" unquote), but he will be careful not to even joke with her about anything she can twist. Their relationship is strained, but I'd rather have it strained then have him be the victim of false accusations.