Husband in meltdown

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi I am really struggling at the moment, I've known for quite a few years that he has mental health issues however these have become much worse since we married a year ago tomorrow! 

In the past he would rage and this would be followed by a few good weeks before the next one, for the last 3 months one rage leads into the next.  During our year of marriage he has spent more nights in the spare room than in our bed!

The latest meltdown is because I told him I was taking him out for a meal on our anniversary, apparently I am telling him what to do, needy and attention seeking.  He's making me feel like the abnormal one!

Last night he was drunk and sent all sorts of awful texts, saying he had no respect for me and I was a pathetic piece of hit who laid around all day festering!   I am good to him and do all I can to relieve his stress, the house is always clean and tidy, I do loads of jobs for him in the week in the hope he won't come home in a bad mood, I work 42 hours a week, have 2 children to look after and constantly clean up his mess so don't feel this statement was deserved.

This morning I have woke feeling numb, I feel as though he is killing my feelings and he is feeling crap and wants me to feel it to.   Last night he said he was going to smash the house up, he didn't!    This morning he texts saying he is feeling positive and I'm not to ruin it with my questions or neediness! 

I am at a loss, I am a very good wife to him, supportive in everything he does yet can't remember the last time he asked anything about my life!

I deserve better I know I do yet I love him when he's not treating me this way.  I know what you are all going to say, leave and run fast but it's easier said than done :-(

[Sadsue]

Hi I am really struggling at the moment, I've known for quite a few years that he has mental health issues however these have become much worse since we married a year ago tomorrow! 

In the past he would rage and this would be followed by a few good weeks before the next one, for the last 3 months one rage leads into the next.  During our year of marriage he has spent more nights in the spare room than in our bed!

The latest meltdown is because I told him I was taking him out for a meal on our anniversary, apparently I am telling him what to do, needy and attention seeking.  He's making me feel like the abnormal one!

Last night he was drunk and sent all sorts of awful texts, saying he had no respect for me and I was a pathetic piece of hit who laid around all day festering!   I am good to him and do all I can to relieve his stress, the house is always clean and tidy, I do loads of jobs for him in the week in the hope he won't come home in a bad mood, I work 42 hours a week, have 2 children to look after and constantly clean up his mess so don't feel this statement was deserved.

This morning I have woke feeling numb, I feel as though he is killing my feelings and he is feeling crap and wants me to feel it to.   Last night he said he was going to smash the house up, he didn't!    This morning he texts saying he is feeling positive and I'm not to ruin it with my questions or neediness! 

I am at a loss, I am a very good wife to him, supportive in everything he does yet can't remember the last time he asked anything about my life!

I deserve better I know I do yet I love him when he's not treating me this way.  I know what you are all going to say, leave and run fast but it's easier said than done :-(

[Surnia]

No, sadsue, I am not saying run 

I hear that you are feeling very low and desperate, I would too being in a marriage in a fast downward spiral with more and more conflict.

You are doing a great workload in your relationship, what about you? Do you have moments of good care for yourself, like doing nothing or going out with a female friend or a hobby?

Do you are familiar with the LESSONS on the Staying board? If not this could be a good start: Understanding our role in the relationship.

To stop making it worse it helps to think about first about our role in it. This prevents us to just react.

Hang in there, Sadsue. 

[malibu4x]

Sadsue,

Yes, this sounds miserable.  I can relate. I am in a marriage now for 10 years.  I'm often doing little things around the house to try to make life easier for my SO, but she seems to be blind to them at times.  When she is happy - she is grateful and points out all that I do to help, but when the shoe drops, all of that goes out the window, and all the nice little things that I do to help around the house become trivial and a "focus on the wrong things".   

One thought to remember is that IT IS NOT YOU. 

Another is to remember that YOU ARE THE LIGHTNING ROD.  Just like the tallest building in a storm. 

I agree with Surnia, you need to take care of yourself in some way.  Get some space from him.  Exercise, do a hobby, go see a friend. 

List out the things you love about your husband and why you married him.

List out your own hopes and dreams for the future.

List out your options and the specific consequences of each one.

I'm not saying run either, but I'm saying carefully consider it. 

I was going through this for several years of on again off again dating. 

When I got engaged - I wish that someone would have helped me process the pros, cons, risks, etc. in a more mature way. 

[ogopogodude]

Sadsue, ... you knew that he had a problem for a long time before actually marrying your husband. So, you knew what you were getting into before walking down the isle. Your are confused as to what to do next. This is why you are here.  There may be a chance that your marriage may work so do not throw in the towel quite yet.

You may not even know if he is afflicted with BPD, ... but instead he may going through depression, etc. which can also result in moments of anger, meltdowns... etc. You may want to delve into finding out more about his work, or what is troubling him to the point of getting him in bad moods. But try not to smother him. Men don't like that. (I actually do, ... but most don't).  Men need space.

Think with your heart but also with your head. You are only into your 1st year of marriage so you should still be going through  your honeymoon stage (mine lasted for years, ... and it was wonderful).  Try to go for daily walks with him. There is several couples in my neighbourhood that do this and I am quite jealous of that little event that they do each day. (I tried to get my mate to go for daily walks but pulling teeth was easier)/

It sounds corny but get a therapist if you can afford one. Go just a few times to see if it is for you. Mine did wonders for me and I only went about nine times.

Hang in there and check in from time to time at these forums. It is a great place to vent and such, ... and that is a part of healing. Venting is good. But try not to vent to your mate as this may trigger him.  Vent here. Most of us do (of did at one point).